Perfection

I'll tell you that every single diet attempt I made in my life before surgery - ended as soon as I gave in and ate something that wasn't on my diet. As you can guess - my "diets" never lasted more than a week or two. We are human and food is everywhere. I was and still am to some degree stuck in an "all or nothing" attitude. Ive gotten much better as Ive learned more about me and how to work with this obstacle.

I've been on my WL journey for over 2 years now, and I've lost a ton of weight and I am so far from perfect, and ive been so far from the typical WL plan around here - but I have still been successful.  I am at a point now where when I screw up and my will power fails - I can, about 80% of the time - get back on track within the next meal or at least within the same day. I no longer allow myself to use one mistake as a justification to eat whatever I want for the rest of the day.  And then there's the remaining 20% where sometimes I do just lose it for a day or 3...but never longer than that.

I think Rob hits the nail on the head with one word - accountability. I have tracked every single bite since surgery and the reason why I can get back on track is because I can easily scare the crap out of myself when I see the calories adding up. Sometimes I still eat and cringe when I look back at my journal but my # 1 rule is I CANNOT BURRY MY HEAD IN THE SAND. I can wat whatever I want but it's going in my journal.

 So on target and totally my struggle right now.  I am self sabotaging and I really need to figure out why.  I'm sure one part is the whiny child inside that says "but that's not fair...why can't I just eat like everyone else?"  I don't eat near as much so I should be able to eat whatever, right?  

And I'm wondering if, as Happy has posted, I am ambivalent about losing more.  What is the payoff for staying where I am?  I know one thing that is bugging me is more pressure for sex from my spouse.  He was not supportive of me having surgery, but now is all about the smaller body.  The other one I can think of is that I am now about the same height/weight as my mom.  She was/is at the root of a lot of my food issues.  She has always complained that she is too fat and still does.  At the same time she tells me I look great and she seems jealouse a little.  Very weird with me the same size now.  Wondering if maybe I feel some guilt thinking of being smaller than she is.

No money for a counselor, turned off by the religious aspect of 12 step groups, so it is just me wrestling with my own head.

 You may want to look into a psychologist led support group.  Many surgery centers offer those or just different regular support groups.  If none are sponsored by your surgeon, you can check the national list on the the Obesity Action Coalitions website.

If you have insurance, many insurance companies will pay for counseling.  I have BCBS and they are paying for mine.

 Thanks for the website info.  I did try one local group a couple of times, but it did not seem very helpful to me.  Everyone introduced themselves, once there was a speaker, discussion was limited and was mostly about what to eat/not eat...never really touched on the mental side of things.

Hum, was it chocolate cake for me or was it chocolate cake flavored vodka shots? Both equally yummy but yes, we are held accountable for our choices. I've had no one to blame but myself. Current personal issues have derailed my WL journey a bit; not gaining but not losing. I do like to give myself a little credit for that BUT I have a goal and I plan to remain focused. My dad told me yesterday that he is so proud of me & I am proud of myself. I have made excuses for slip ups but I own them. Gotta just dust myself off and get back on track. It's all I can do when I think of accountability.
You have done such a great job on your WL journey Rob. It's people like you who make me want to succeed too so thank you!!!

I am sort of a "self awareness junkie" so I love this post and thank Rob for these words of wisdom. I want to point out that my thoughts differ somewhat from what Sharon said. I don't do this not to criticize Sharon's thoughtful post, but to point out we are all different and we must do the work needed to make informed choices.

For me it is a 3 step process. First I use my brain to understand the information and make a plan. I decide to adhere to that plan - and then hold myself accountable in the way Rob describes.

Then I listen for messages from my body. Unlike Sharon, it isn't my body that leads me astray or coaxes me to skip exercise and stay in bed - that comes from my mind. The body thrives when I treat it right. It wants to move and take in the proper nutrients...that machine has no "wants" from a craving or emotional standpoint. My problem has always been ignoring the body wanting to go out and play and instead letting the mind lure me into reading a book instead.

My 3rd step goes back to using the mind to review what I have done for the day/week and analyzing how I am doing - then course correcting when needed. The mind knows my secrets.

Again, I am not trying to show I am "right" - just right for me.

Here's a great self-awareness tool:

HALT

If I'm uncomfortable in my skin, feeling jumpy and cranky and likely to make bad choices in one way or another, I halt and ask myself these key questions:

Am I Hungry?
Am I Angry?
Am I Lonely?
Am I Tired?

I'm usually angry or tired.

I am a HUGE fan of 12-step programs and encourage anyone to check out OA and find a meeting you are comfortable with. They are full of all kinds of platitudes which seem kind of silly at first, but can really be great tools for recovery. 

Self-knowledge of our addiction(s) availed us nothing, but self-knowledge of our psyches can avail us a whole heck of a lot, I believe. 

Once you get that self-knowledge though (I never felt nurtered by my mother, for example, and food is a very easy, accessible way I found to nurture myself), it has to stop being an excuse. Into action, as they also say in 12-step. How can I nurture myself now that I understand the root, and I understand the root is not healthy for me? I'm sure not eating comfort food now because my mother didn't nurture me 40 years ago...

My most favorite 12-step platitude of them all? 

Progress, not perfection.

 HALT - I love that.

Thanks for Sharing!

Rob, thank you so much for this post. I'm pre-op but I know there will be moments/days when these words will be very helpful.I wish there was a way to bookmark it, but I will try to print it instead.

I also wanted to mention for ilex and anyone else to check out nearby colleges with physch grad programs. I have used the therapists at UNLV many times. The fee is $25, but they have a sliding scale for those lower incomes. They have to do a certain amount of counseling hours to be certified and I have found them to be better than the certified ones I have been to through my insurance.

Thanks Rob for your insight. Now that the VSG is not "new" anymore I have felt myself "slipping." the kids have out gold fish out and I eat one.. After I do I stop and think "what did I just do?" I have found myself nibbling, not purposefully eating. But I stop and recognize that is an old habit I am not going to let myself go back to.
It's nice to know even everyone that is successful on here has had a slip up or two before.