Loving yourself-bit of a rant

I was a heavy kid, not fat but heavy. When I graduated high school I was a size 16. Growing up I was teased and bullied every day. My mother drove me to and from school until 9th grade because the kids would tease me and chase me from the bus and threaten to beat me up. I truly felt I was the fattest thing on the planet and completely worthless human being. Convincing myself that of course there is something wrong with me for kids and teachers to make fun of me and tell me how disgusting I was.  College was much better but that's when I started gaining more weight. I still had no self-worth and as the weight kept piling on and after a long bad relationship break-up I was at a all time low. I started therapy and it helped immensely...and of course after surgery and the weight coming off I finally see my self-worth. And although my self-worth is at a all time high...I can still struggle with loving myself. I mean I was programmed to 38 years to hate everything about myself.

Yesterday I had a nice conversation with a co-worker. I was telling her about this wonderful man I am dating- he is thoughtful and romantic and head over heels for me. We were talking about how hard it is to accept someone being so nice to you. I hate that sometimes I think "What's wrong with him?" But really it's what's wrong with me! I deserve to be treated nicely and taken care of. I deserve romance and laughter and excitement! I deserve a man to be so thoughtful and take my garbage out because he wants to not because he expects something in return. I deserve it to myself to love myself and expect nothing less! I was thinking about this more last night- after 38 years of hating yourself you can't just suddenly love yourself- it's going to take some time- but hopefully not another 38 years!!  It's very weird to look in the mirror and like what I see. To remind myself that I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I guess with enough time it gets easier but will I ever truly believe it? Josh tells me everyday how beautiful I am- last week when he said it he was like "are you ever not going to look away or down when I say that? Your beautiful- don't you know that?!" It's like a part of me is afraid to believe it. But what am I so afraid of? Sounds so weird to have such a hard time loving yourself.

My therapist will be hearing a ear full next visit!

Thanks for listening!

Geezuz ... AMEN SISTER!!!!
You deserve to be treated like a princess. We all do! I know it's hard to accept the compliments; I still struggle with it too. I'm sure in time we will get more comfortable with ourselves and start to truly believe it.
I love your stories gurl, and Josh seems completely wonderful. He's in love with a beautiful woman... that's how he sees you.... and he's right!!!! Take it all in gurl.

I struggle with this as well.  Met a really nice guy who likes to take care of me, and I have the worst time letting him. It's like this protective wall that I haven't figured out how to knock down. It's amazing how much of this journey is a head trip!

Although I have not had my VSG yet, I understand what you have gone through. Since the 2nd grade I was bullied and picked on and made fun of. I was just thinking about all of that recently as I was hearing about my 10 year niece getting bullied. I don't remember ever telling my parents about my problems at school and it all continued. On top of that, my Mom has always been one to "tell it like it is". She doesn't sugar coat. So as I was going through the childhood of bullies, I was also hearing from her that "you should lose some weight". She was the one that put me on my first diet in 3rd grade.

I started thinking about if I would be able to really look at myself in the mirror after the surgery as be able to see myself as beautiful. My husband has always been straight forward with me and sees me as beautiful no matter what I look like. But will I?

Weight loss is not just changing your body size, but changing your life and more importantly, your outlook on life. It will take time, but one day it will click with you...YOU ARE GORGEOUS!!!

Holy Hannah!  I just looked at your pix in your profile.........you are STUNNING!  Believe Josh!  The man has good eyes LOL 

Maybe you might try a little experiment.  Have someone take a few pix of you -- candid shots when you aren't aware of the camera.  Then blank out your face and ask yourself what you think of the woman you see in the pix.  Even though you will know the pix are of you, the idea that they are not posed might help for you to give an honest answer about what you see.  You MUST recognize that you have a beautiful face.  The problem, if I understand it correctly, is that you don't view your new body as beautiful.  This little experiment might help you to do so.

You deserve everything good that life has to offer..........and you're starting to grasp it at a young age.  I'm 65 and a few years ago, reaching this age didn't seem possible -- but now with some crazy kind of working hard on my health and then with the surgery, I'm looking forward to a big bunch of good years ahead of me and I intend to do my best to feel I deserve all the good life has to offer as well.

Try not to feel weird about learning to love yourself -- normal after what we go through as obese people.  Take your time.........having a therapist will be help.

Good luck...............you ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!

Ree