Wicked Stepmother - OT

I feel like a bad person but I just had to share my feelings... My stepsons are leaving for almost two weeks and I am so excited.  That sounds horrible but... eh, its true!  Their plane leaves at 6 tonight. Yay! After that my husband and I are going out on a date!! Backstory - Almost a year ago, my husband's ex-wife had some drug issues and when he found out about it, he immediately took fulltime custody of his boys and moved them in with us.  Their mother lives about 400 miles away so they are with us 24/7 except for occasional holidays. They are 12 and 14 now and they are pretty good kids.  They know that I don't take crap and we have a pretty good relationship.  My husband works a lot so I end up doing about half the "parenting", if you can call it that.  I feed them and make them do chores and make sure they don't kill themselves or each other. I feel more like a babysitter (and ATM) most days.

I don't feel like a parent to them.  The way they were raised and what my husband does for them and allows them to get away with is not how I think I would raise my children. I don't have any so that's all hypothetical, of course.  I just recently instituted a chore list and mandatory time off of electronics every night which has helped a lot.  But my husband caters to them; I think it's because of guilt. I was definitely not treated like he treats them when I was a kid and I don't like it.  For a 14 year old to demand that he will only wear a certain type of clothing and shoes and have his father run out every time he wants something new and buy it for him blows my mind.  I wore Kmart or JCPenney clothes unless I wanted to spend my babysitting money on name brand stuff. 

The main reason I am going to be glad to have a break is the food situation.  I am trying to diet and prepare for my surgery but its so hard with them.  They both eat junkfood nonstop and freak out when they get low on Twix or potato chips or Chips Ahoy.  We end up going to the grocery store at least 4 or 5 times a week. It will be so nice to have almost two weeks to concentrate on my own food. Not to mention, the youngest is the pickiest eater on the planet! He only eats meat, bread and candy.  That's it.  And then once we find something he likes, he'll eat it for a while and then start to hate it.  So we have to plan all our meals making sure that he will eat something we have. It's maddening and I HATE it. My mom made one meal and we got spanked if we didn't eat it. I don't agree with the spanking but he is 12; if he doesn't like what we have, he can make a sandwich.  But that won't work for my husband.  He will leave the house at 10 pm to drive 30 minutes to get him fried chicken or something if he doesn't like what we have for dinner.

Ok, sorry for my rant but I feel like in the past year my entire life has revolved around these kids and I am ready to focus on ME! I'm sooo looking forward to my break and ready to start doing things just for me. I have gained a lot of weight in the past year because I didn't want to have to worry about making 3 dinners every night, one for the picky kid, one for my hubby and oldest and then healthy one for me.  I didn't want to spend tons of extra money buying my healthy food so I just ate whatever crap was left. Not anymore!

Thanks for listening! Hope everyone is having a great weekend!! ;-)

I can't really say I blame you. I was raised that if you don't like what is being cooked then you can either grab a piece of fruit or not eat at all. My 3 year old has gotten to where he want's to be picky but it is not going to fly with me so I make him sit and eat what I cook even if it means him sitting there until he falls asleep. Yeah he has his snacks and things most times he picks something healthy like apples or grapes so I guess I am lucky there but once you have your surgery things will change you will not want or like some of the things you did before and sweets will usually be too sweet so you will not care for them much at first. My suggestion would be stay away from sweets all together because once you are like 4 months out they will taste a little more normal to you and you will start wanting them like I have so I try to stay away from them as much as I can. 

Yep  i am a step mom too, and it is hard,you want to teach them and give them love but they never let you forget your not their real mom. Allot of sacrifice can tire a person out emotionally too. Just got to keep trying your best someday they will realize how much your presence in their lives mattered to them. And you will be their mom too.

 My own son I spoiled not on purpose or intentionally.  When i did without as a kid i made internal promises that my kids( If i even had any )wont wear hand me downs or clothes with patches or holes in them, As i walked to school mortified, and promised they wouldn't go to bed hungry, (My mom did the best she could but times were tough back then) So when i did have my son, i made sure he had nice clothes, stuffed the cupboards with lots of food,(probably why I got so big.) All this information to say maybe your husband made promises to himself  about when he had kids that your seeing now with your step sons. Maybe not but just something to think about.

Its good to take care of yourself, enjoy your time  with your hubby...And Marry Christmas, or Happy Hanukah

I am sorry you are going through that. My Dad and Stepmom raised me. My Dad was pretty strict, though, so the things your stepsons are getting away with would not have worked in our home. I had to eat what I was served and just be happy with it. I never complained about food in the house. My Stepmom could be pretty strict too and I remember sometimes not liking her but loving her. I remember thinking I hated her a few times and feeling resentful. But I'll tell you what--I LOVE HER SOOO MUCH and IN MY HEART AND MIND SHE IS MY MOM. She took far better care of me than my "biological mother" and has been there for me through many things. As an adult, I realized just what she sacrificed for me and my brother who were not her children. She did her very best and was there for me the best she could be. I tell her i love her and appreciate her all the time. I hope one day your stepchildren grow up and realize what I realized. My Stepmom has a heart of gold and she is always called MOM by me and always will be. The issues we had when I was growing up were normal issues and they were just complicated further because she was my stepparent and perhaps I didn't give her the respect she deserved. She gets all the respect in the world from me now!!

that must be frustrating. especially the food part. i have an 8 year old sugar addict and a nearly 2 year old who never has sugar and i constantly have to remind him not to give her sugar! he bought sweetened yogurt (she eats PLAIN yogurt just fine, or add some unsweetened applesauce or baby prunes). he almost fed her pie today. i kinda freaked.. my bmi is 44 and his is 54. i don't want our baby to get into our same bad habits!

i have a stepmom who i consider my mom. let's face it, sometimes biology has nothing to do with it. if you're doing the parenting, that makes you the parent in a lot of ways. just hang in there and continue to do right by them.

and even though my kids are both biologically mine, i would TOTALLY welcome some time away from them too! i love them but sometimes everybody needs a break!

Seems to me the problem isn't the boys it's your husband that is the problem and he's certainly not doing the boys any favor by spoiling them rotten like he is. While the boys are gone you need to have a serious heart to heart with him about whether he is gonna support you with your surgery or not. I can guarantee, you will have a hard enough time post op without having all those temptations around the house. He needs to step up and be a parent not a buddy, that doesn't work. He needs to back you up on this journey before he drives an irrepairable wedge in your marriage. I would seriously consider some counseling first for you 2 and then involve the boys otherwise this trainwreck only has one place to go. Believe me I've been a step mother for over 25 years I know whereof I speak. Good luck!

I'm so glad you'll have some time to focus on yourself and your needs. You've earned it, and you deserve it!