Changing What I "THOUGHT" I Deserved

I am still pre-op (surgery scheduled for 1/22) so I am still trying to wrap my mind around all of the mental changes that need to happen to be successful Post-Op on a long term scale.

I am one of those people that occasionally need to escape from the everyday responsibilities of my normal life in order to refresh my mind and find some tranquility. This past Sunday was definitely one of those days. Luckily I have an amazing mother that I agreed to have my son for a sleepover so that I could take myself to the movies.

I decided to see The Hunger Games: Catching Fire which I've been really excited to get a free moment to go and see! I made sure that I had dinner of pretty much just pure protein before I left the house so that I wouldn't be tempted with movie theater popcorn or any other those other treats that I've always indulged in when going to the movies.

Unfortunately, on the drive over to the theater I started thinking about how long it had been since I've had nachos......and then I started thinking "Well I could still get a diet coke and that doesn't have any calories or carbs or anything." And then my mind started to feel like it DESERVED to get those foods tonight since it was my special escape night and it was only going to be this one time and most likely the LAST time since my surgery is coming up soon and all. When I paid for my ticket I happened to have earned enough credits on my rewards card to get me a free small popcorn.... so I said "OK! I'm gonna go ahead and splurge tonight since I deserve to splurge once in a while and this is my special night out!" I got all three things. Nachos, small popcorn and a diet coke.

After the movie was over I wasn't satisfied one little bit. I wanted to keep on eating. So I went to Wendy's and got not just one but TWO Double Portobello melt burgers on those really buttery buns.....

And as I was eating them the shame and the guilt set in.......

How on earth did I develop the mind frame that I DESERVED to treat my body that way? What good does it do me? How is it a TREAT to stuff myself so incredibly full that I wished I was bulimic so that I could just throw it all up again?

People ask me if I am nervous about the upcoming surgery. I am just nervous that this binge eating disorder that I know I have is going to prevent me from being as successful in the long run as I could be. Of course I plan to see a therapist to help me deal with it. 

Slowly over time I hope to be able to change that mind frame so that when I get to have a day or night or weekend to myself I will start thinking that I deserve to get my hair done, or go to that dance class, or spend some time on the weight machines, because those things are good for me and will make me feel better about myself and there will not be any guilt or shame associated with it. Those things are ways in which I show love for myself, which some days is a huge battle itself.

May we all show ourselves as much real love as possible.

I think that you have a good first step here- reflecting on the situation to identify what the problem is. It is in this way you can then develop strategies to avoid this situation again.  You know what you deserve?  Your health.  Mobility.  Living life instead of hanging out on the sidelines.  It is so normal to be concerned that the binge tendency will make it very difficult for you to be successful with surgery.  Surgery changes everything, and it is hard to wrap your mind around that preop.  Once sleeved you will still deal with head hunger, but it will be so much easier to manage your food choices.  Get yourself into a support group- that will really help.  

Glow,

I totally get what you are thinking here.  I don't know if this is 100% true for everyone, but I have come to realize how little control we have over our cravings pre-surgery.  I can see it now from the other side, but I spent years beating myself up for my lack of self control.  Now I believe that our hormones drive us far harder than we realize and we react to them because we are wired that way.  The changes that come about from the surgery ease these desires (in my case - others may have a different experience).  I don't believe it would have ever been possible for me to lose this much weight and stay on target without surgical intervention given the current state of medical treatment for obesity.  So get some help to be sure you don't have something else going on, but please don't be too hard on yourself.  We are all only human after all.

Terry

I am with you on this. I also used to get mad at myself for having little self-control. My cravings are significantly better since surgery. I agree without this surgery I would have still been fighting myself over this and losing to my obesity.

You are 3 weeks away from surgery. It is absolutely vital that you reduce your fatty liver. This is major surgery my friend. I get the addiction to food. Truly. But no more food funerals, no more " I deserve xyz".   Get yourself to a support group or a therapist or pick up The Beck Diet  Solution by Judith Beck, Ph.D. The book uses cognitive therapy to change the way you think and why you engage in sabotaging yourself. 

You can do this. And it is going to be AWESOME pre-op losing that weight and desire for junk food. It is nothing short of amazing.

I second the recommendation of the Beck book.  I'm going to spend the first 6 weeks of the new year working through the workbook to augment the CBT I already do in group every week.

I have so been there!

I struggle with the 'deserve' mentality all the time. I'm not sure if that goes away, we just need to find a different way to 'reward' ourselves without food. When you start the liquid diet phase, set yourself up for success the best you can. It will be HARD, I know, I'm a week in and people say the first 3 days are the hardest. Unfortunately for me, the first 6 days were really hard. I think it is because I ate everything I could get my hands on two weeks before starting the liquid diet. It made it so much tougher and I wish someone would have told me how much I'd mourn food :) So, be careful, try not to binge again and try to make small changes before you start your liquid diet or it will be much much tougher. And, if I can do it anyone can do it, so keep your head up.  

Thank you so much for sharing that Glow. I have been there so many times I can't count. My routine was a large popcorn, a Vienna beef hotdog and a small coke - EVERY time I went to the movies. And when I left, I'd stop at Steak & Shake and get a meal. I find myself now trying "rewarding" myself with food until i stop and really ask myself if I NEED to eat, am I really hungry or am I just eating to be eating.

First, stop rewarding yourself with food.  You are not a dog.  You do not need food "treats."

Second, think about what you do deserve:

--Better health

--A longer life

--Smaller clothes

--Greater mobility

--Greater control over what you put into your body

--To feel good about yourself and how you look and feel

It's time to start looking at your relationship with food and how you can change it to benefit you in the long run.  Food should never be used to self-medicate, but so many of us did before surgery that it is part and parcel of what led us to the surgeon's office.  There are other ways to self-soothe that don't require food.  Start implementing ways to do this now, before you have surgery.  It is much harder to fight it once you have surgery, believe me.  But once you learn strategies for coping with the desire to eat because you "deserve" it, rewarding yourself in other ways becomes much easier and much more fun.

Also...you stated you plan to see a therapist...do it NOW, before surgery.  They can help you learn some of these strategies NOW so you can put them into place now.

Good luck.

I think all of us have last suppers as they call them.I ate a huge cheese burger the night before my liquid diet.And I drank a bottle of wine and ate french fries.The next day I moved on and drank my liquids and moved on.So I am three months out and I haven't done anything like what I did the night before my liquid diet.I know now the price of eating something I shouldn't isn't an option.The feeling of fitting in clothes and being able to sit in a booth and not worry about it.It felt so much better than the food that I ate that night.So we can only look forward and not back.That is my take on it.