Support Group Topic: Bounderies...

This past week the topic of our support group was on bounderies.  I know personally this can be a real issue for me, particularly at my job.  The part that I was totally surprised at was a list of situations that indicate you NEED to set bounderies.  I found that almost all of them applied to me.  Sadly, the handout that had the list was tossed out by my daughter, so I found an article online about bounderies.  It goes through some of the situations of when bounderies need to be set, but more importantly it discusses the topic in more detail that includes how to set them, why to set them, etc. The list from my support group on indicators you need to set bounderies was much better IMHOP than what is listed below, but this is a starting point.  Here is a link to the article- It is a good read.  

Here is the list of situations that indicate bounderies need to be set:

Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries     http://www.uwec.edu/Counsel/pubs/unhealthyboundaries.html

Telling all.
Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.
Falling in love with a new acquaintance.
Falling in love with anyone *****aches out.
Being overwhelmed by a person - preoccupied.
Acting on first sexual impulse.
Going against personal values or rights to please others.
Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.
Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.
Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that you don't want.
Touching a person without asking.
Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.
Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.
Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.
Letting others direct your life.
Letting others describe your reality.
Letting others define you.
Believing others can anticipate your needs.
Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.
Falling apart so someone will take care of you.
Self abuse.
Sexual and physical abuse.
Food abuse.

Yay me! Other than food abuse, nothing else really seems to hit home. I think we are all somewhere on a continuum when it comes to this - meaning we ebb and flow throughout our lives. I know there have been times I have met certain of these criteria, but now I don't. There was a time just post VSG that I would accept food gifts I didn't want. Now I don't. When I was young, sure I could get preoccupied with a love interest. Who didn't? As long as I continue to work on my issues and acknowledge that I actually have them, I think I'm on the right path.

I am not sure if this is true or not, but I think men are a little better at setting bounderies generally speaking.  Teachers are a mixed lot- some are very cognizant of clear bounderies and the need for them, and you do an excellent job at that.  Other teachers (such as myself) are forever sucked into taking on too much... getting better at that though.  I wish I had the list from group- it was much better, but this is something to consider at least. 

I like your list because you don't need to read too closely to see that it not only covers situations when our boundaries are invaded- or we haven't set appropriate boundaries, But also covers when WE overstep or invade others' rightful boundaries.  Both sides of the coin are intrusive, hurtful, and potentially dangerous; not too mention impolite and disrespectful.  I always think of boundary setting and respecting when I read the not infrequent posts regarding "Who should I tell how much about my WLS?"  Good post. 

Didn't think of it that way- but yes, it certianly can be put in reverse.  Great point!

Thank you for sharing this!

This is a huge part of my recovery right now....boundaries! I am slowly learning.. Its sucks because its a process....identification, practice, getting comfortable with the idea and practice of, and then more practice until it gets closer to 2nd nature. Growing up we had no boundaries except not to touch my father's sodas or beer or something....so this concept is way too new for me, but ive gotten better in the 5 weeks ive been practicing. 

Thanks for this - it's totally awesome and a good reminder to myself. 

You know I totally was thinking about you when I started reading up more on bounderies.  So much of what I was reading was reflected in your recent posts indirectly.  I mentioned on one of your posts that I need to work on confidence, but after this support group meeting- what I really need to work on is bounderies.  And I mean reeaaallly work on it!  

Same thing growing up here- bounderies were never properly learned, because they pretty much did not exist in my home.  You inspire me Alison. 

This is very insightful!  I can definitely see what boundaries I need to set.  I think I will print the pamphlet out.  Thank you!