Shame on me and all those other judgmental schlubs

I had a business trip yesterday and flew home late last night.  As I was sitting in the Dallas airport waiting for my flight.  I saw this large,obviously morbidly obese young lady walk up to my gate.  I had three thoughts:

1.  "Why isn't someone telling her how bad that shirt looks on her."  --  It was a camisole without anything on top of it.  You could see right through it!  And the worst part was her tummy roll was making it bulge at the waist line.  True friends will not let you leave the house in an unflattering outfit like this.  (I later discovered she was from New Jersey and realized that I am not 100% familiar with what is "true friend" behavior in NJ.  Maybe I shouldn't judge her friends.  In Texas, this would be an Epic Friend Failure).

2.  "But for the grace of God, that could be me."  --  Not the bad shirt part, but the obesity part.  I'm still overweight, but I felt like getting on my knees and saying a prayer of thanks that I was fortunate enough to have my WLS surgery.  So what I'm not at goal? I'm in such a much better place.

3. "I hope she's not in the seat next to me." -- SHAME ON ME!  I have walked a mile in her shoes.  I know what it feels like to worry about getting the seat belt around my hips. I know what it feels like to worry about over-flowing into someone else's seat.  SHAME ON ME!.

As luck would have it, she was in the aisle seat of my row.  I was in the window seat with no one in between.  I saw her struggle with her seat belt and wanted to cry for her.  I know how that feels.  I put down the tray table in the middle seat so she didn't have to worry about the one in front of her hitting her belly.  We shared the one in the middle.

We struck up a conversation towards the end of the flight.  Turns out, she was a really neat young lady, working and finishing her thesis for her PHD in Psychology.  I completely underestimated her based on her looks (SHAME ON ME again).  I wanted to bring up my WLS, but didn't know how to bring it up without making her feel like I was judging her, which I totally was (SHAME ON ME again). I can't count the number of time I felt judged because of my weight, especially in the professional environment (Shame on the Schlubs). 

You know what I told my DH about when I got home?  I told him how great it felt to have lost my fear of airplane seat belts.  I didn't tell him about Miss PHD.  I was too ashamed of myself.

This interlude had a very strong impact on me.  I have to come to terms with how I view myself and others.  Especially the MO who haven't had the good fortune of having this surgery.

I'll keep trying to be a better person. Baby steps, baby steps.

Kay

You have awareness, which is much much more than most people. Don't be too tough on yourself. I bet she appreciated talking with you.

((hugs))

--gina

Kay,

Thanks for sharing.....your honesty is wonderful. Since surgery I feel like I notice those that are obese more and more. I don't judge very much but my empathy for their struggle is so strong sometimes. Like you, it is hard sometimes to discuss weight loss surgery or not. I am a big believer that this has to be right for YOU and also that, for many of us, this takes a long time to decide. I think we know what it feels like to not be comfortable in our bodies and to feel judged. As someone who used to HIDE in her clothes I do judge sometimes when you can see everything. It is lovely that you got to know her and to really delve into your thoughts and feelings.

This is a journey for all of us, not a sprint.

~~Jennifer

I wanted to laugh and cry.  I've had so many of the same thoughts, especially why would someone leave the house looking like that.  i don't think I could have mentioned surgery to her either unless there was a huge open door.

You are a good person, getting better every day.

Kay,
I think all of your observations are pretty normal.  We are, after all, only human. Kudos for using the experience as an opportunity to grow.
Janet

Thanks so much for your honest & open post Kay.  The same thoughts have gone through my head as well.  One thing I've noticed is that, even though I always smiled and looked people in the eye, many more people smile back now that I've lost weight.  I think it's that heavy people are generally just not "easy on the eyes" and may trigger issues for the viewer. I try harder now to smile at the big folks... they are doing the best they can with what they have to work with.

Have a great day!

Bulls-eye! We're all doing the best we have with what we have to work with.  Your words really resonated with me.  

Thanks,

Kay

I'm guilty too!!   As a Christian woman who used to be MO I should really be ashamed of myself for my thoughts when I see someone extremely heavy.  I think it's just our nature and I'm guessing that even though I was heavy I don't think I ever thought of myself as heavy as the person I was looking at (we don't see our own faults many times).  It especially upsets me to see young people who are heavy.  (In my Opinion) Their futures could be so much better if they could lose weight. 

I wish I could wear a shirt that says "I had a Gastric Bypass...ask me about it"....LOL

I have to say though, everytime I see an obese person in the gym, I secretly root for them and wish we could all cheer.  This might also have something to do with ME being there at my all time high last summer!

~~Jen

Interesting observations... and I know I've been guilty of it too and catch myself quickly.  My last business trip I was seated next to a very large woman on the airplane.  We struck up a conversation and she said she apologized for taking some of my space.  I said "that's ok".  She then said "I always hope I sit next to a slim person"... and then she said she was embarassed about her weight, most of the time when she traveled because of the airplane seats. 

I nod my head and said "yep - I've been where you're at".  She said "NOOOOO - you're so little".. then of course they ask how I did it and I get to tell my story. 

This trip to VA I've had numerous people tell me how great I look - and they're total strangers!!  Just at the time when I'm really coming down on myself for gaining some weight.  I guess its all in the eye of the beholder.

Thanks for sharing.  I too seem to notice more people who are MO and like Roz, would love to tell my story, but the first thing in my mind is "perhaps they don't have insurance.. how would that make them feel?".