Is It Me?

A poster on the VSG board blocked me yesterday because I had some serious questions about something she posted.

She posted that she lays her husbands clothes out for him every morning. I said seriously? Please. She said oh yes,he loves it and I love doing it for him.

Um,codependent much? I told her a wise therapist told me once that wives and mothers do very different things. Long story short mothers lay out clothes,wives don't.

Now,if you lay out your husbands clothes,please forgive me. I just can't see a grown man,in full control of himself needing or wanting someone to lay out his clothes for him. I asked her if she wiped him too and I guess that is where she got her panties in a twist,but seriously? I am pretty sure I couldn't even have a husband and wife relationship,if you know what I mean,with a man who couldn't even get out his own clothes.

I also wonder if it is also a control issue for her. Maybe they don't have any children and she desperately needs someone to baby. IDK

I laid my clothes out for my hubby because he is color blind and would have left the house looking pretty silly most days! 

I was gonna suggest that might be needed if the husband had issues, blind, color blind, etc. But to do it every day when he is fine is just beyond me.

I figure mine is old enough to know what he should be wearing. I do make sure he has clean clothes but I don't lay his out.

The exception is if we are packing, I tend to pack the entire bag but make him get his on the bed to be packed. I have laid them out IF we are temp living out of a suitcase because IF I am digging for mine, may as well get his out as well.

Let her block you...she's just upset that the dart hit too close to home.

I'll start this by saying I haven't been married or even living with a guy for many years so maybe I am out of touch but God help me, if a guy couldn't dress himself I would run for the hills.  That said, whether or not I think that is strange I would have kept my mouth shut.  It really isn't any of my business.  Even if it involved my own kids I keep my mouth shut.  My son is married to a wonderful woman and I love her to pieces but, she is very much a have to be in control person.  I don't know if she dresses my son but it wouldn't surprise me.  She is in charge of everything, where they live, where they go, entertaining, having children, she calls the shots.  And you know what?  He loves it.  He likes not having to be in charge.  It may because he was raised by a grandmother who did everything for him (like she did for her son, which is why he was such a pathetic husband) but he likes being taken care of.  I am not saying he is helpless whatsoever.  He is a college graduate, has a good job and is very dependable.  He just doesn't like dealing with the little details of life.  He is content to go along with the program. He adores her, as she does he, and it works.

It is a joke in my family that the men are all like this.  My dad was extremely whipped by both my mother and stepmother.  He was a brilliant man, an aerospace engineer that worked for the government for 40 years and made a lot of money.  But his wife did everything but wipe his ass, and she probably did that, too, for all I know.  And he loved every minute of it.  My brother married the same kind of woman.  He is just too weak to make any kind of decisions in his life and needs a strong woman to do it for him.  He is miserable, has talked about getting a divorce for years yet he has been with her nearly 30 years.

The point is, it is their life and their choices.  What you and I find untenable they find suits their lifestyle for whatever reason.  While I may joke about it privately I say nothing to any of them.  Who am I to judge what makes another marriage work.  I have failed 3 of them so obviously I don't have a clue.  While I am perfectly happy to live on my own with my daughter and having a boyfriend who is perfectly capable of taking care of himself, others need an almost military type of existence.  I don't pretend to understand them any more then they understand me.  But as they say, live and let live.  I have seen so many different relationships in my life and most don't seem to be functional but yet they work for them.  My ex in laws have been married nearly 70 years and seem to hate each others guts but they can't survive without the other.  If I were married to a tyrant like my ex father in law I would have put a gun to my head but my mother in law is the type to go along with whatever he says, but then proceed to do whatever she wants in a passive aggressive way.  In my first marriage, to their idiot son, he was so helpless that he couldn't change a light bulb, really.  He once tried to change the water in the fish bowl and I came home to dead fish.  He couldn't put a dinner in the microwave, his mother raised him to be so helpless.  I ran for the hills as soon as I could.  Some women may have loved being with someone so controllable.  He did whatever I wanted.  He had no opinions of his own, he just agreed with whatever anyone told him.  Obviously that didn't work for me but other women may have loved that.

I hear you about all this but like I told another responder to this post,she made it my business when she posted on a public forum. Don't want to talk about it? keep it to yourself.

I point out to my husband what to wear IF he is going out. He admits that he looks like a bum if I don't (glue and caulking, paint and whatever on his pants and shirts). Sometimes I lay it out over a chair. He asks for help on what to pick as he truly hasn't a clue. If he could, he would live under a car. He does use a wheelchair but, honestly, I don't think it would be any different if he wasn't using the chair. He is extremely introverted and hates social settings. It is my way of smoothing his path to getting ready to go "out." Mothers make dinner for their kids and wives often make dinner for husbands and society accepts that as an OK thing. 

I have no issue with someone saying they do this and the response they gave when questioned. I do have an issue with the response you gave back to her. I personally can't think of any time, any person, or any situation, that I would say that to someone in person or in words on paper or internet but that is me.

We're all different. I wouldn't analyze it further but move on. If it is, or isn't,  a control issue, it really doesn't matter. We can't really get a decent idea of people's lives here on these boards. We may think we do, but we're fooling ourselves. 

For what it's worth, I love it when I get babied by my husband. He likes to draw my bath water when I don't expect it and I walk in to see the bath all ready and the towels laid out and the lights down. I just melt. He does other things that you would say a mother does but it makes my life easier and that is what counts. I bet this woman is a happy woman and her man, too.

She made it my business when she posted it on a public forum. I was as polite as anybody else.If somebody opens the conversation then I feel it is well within my rights as a member of the forum to voice my opinions about the subject they open. it burns my ass when people open the subject then whine about the responses they get.

I did tell her if they were both happy with the situation to carry on. It doesn't matter to me what they do, but I DO have a right to make any comment I want to make.

So she posted the comment in a fashion that she was asking for what others thought? Then she'll need to accept that some people may reply with a bit of gutter talk I suppose. Your view appears to be that you were being polite when you replied about wiping his butt. Maybe you were saying it in a "tone" that was more light and upbeat as in being funny when making a point but that is the problem with the written word such as messages, emails, discussion boards. You can't detect the true tone of the writer.   

I detect inconsistencies. It burns you when people open a topic and then whine. You didn't post what was her whining responses. You posted about being blocked by someone and I sense that bothered you so I wrote my perspective. 

I disagree that you have the right to make any comment you want to. You can risk, if lines of decency are crossed or "flaming" someone is occurring, being blocked by others and even removed by the site. I doubt it would occur unless it was something that persisted and grew into an extreme level. I don't think you're doing that but in my opinion your comment back to her just seemed a little rough on the edges.

No,she didn't post it as if she was asking for advice,but she did post it and it happened to catch my eye. Any comment in a public post,is just that public.

Blocking me doesn't bother me. I think it is kind of like"I'm going to take my toys and go hime>" and that is fine.

I posted THIS thread to see how prevelant a wife laying out her husbands clothes is, and if other people think that this is something that a man should be able to do for himself.

Hey,to each thewre own,and that includes the dresser and dressee and me and you and everyone else.

My DD and DSIL play this little game where one of them pretends to be in a "coma" type situation,totally limp and the other has to undress them get their pj's on,turn them over . etc. And don't even ask me how I know this,just suffice to say that DD has made me privy to that. TMI,as far as I am concerned.

I did say do you wipe him  in a lighthearted as I TOLD her in my final post. My thought is that,yeah,I hit a nerve of some kind,or hit too  close to home. It is all good as far as I am concerned. If she feels safer with me blocked,I an perfectly happy  with that. she didn't really have anything to say that was helpful to me anyway.

People DO have a right to post anything they want on a public forum,even if they risk being censored. that is the risk they take.I didn't flame her,or persecute her in any way. I simply asked questions that iI  wanted to know the answer to and it is her problem if she got upset. I still don't think I said one unkind or mean thing at all. There is nothing wrong with "rough on the edges. "

I propose that we agree to disagree and let go. it is neither here or there,anyway. I have said everything I need and want to say on the matter but if you would like to continue the discussion,please feel free to PM me.