I am so sad....

Ok girls. I need guidance. Hannah (my daughter) was in the shower this a.m. and I went in the bathroom to get something and noticed the scale was moved. I asked her if she used it and she said no. Then a few mins later, she said she had. I asked her why. She said, she didn't know. I carefully asked her what it said. She is almost 10 (02/05) and is about 4 ft. 7 in.... She said it said, 127. I asked her if she was ok and she said she didn't know what it meant but that she was "fat". Her two best friends are about 4 inches shorter than her too, which doesn't help matters. I do not even know where to begin. We have talked about health and tried exercise. I'm scared to death that I am looking at a mini-me. I do not want her to go thru what I have.

So...I plan on packing her lunch instead of letting her buy lunch, which she likes better anyway... I do not know what else to do... There are no easy answers. I also found out she was buying candy bars at school and eating food her friends were giving her on top of her own lunch.

I feel so guilty. And really, I haven't been able to control my weight issues or help myself... how in the world do I help someone else???

This from about.com:
A 9 year and 11 months old (female) child who is 127 pounds and is 4 feet and 7 inches tall has a body mass index of 29.6, which is over the 95th percentile, and would indicate that your child is overweight.

Your child's ideal body weight would be at a BMI at the 85th percentile or below, and so would be about 85 pounds.

That doesn't necessarily mean that your child has to lose 42 pounds. As he gets older and taller, he may thin out some and therefore just need to stop gaining weight, gain weight more slowly or lose some of that weight. Talk to your Pediatrician for more help interpreting these results.

I'm in the same position with my 9 year old.  She's 20 pounds heavier than her sister who is 12.  My youngest is taller and is definitely taking after me.  My therapist has warned me to not put my body issues onto her.  In your case, your daughter has already suggested she's unhappy with her body.  That's tough, and I can feel for you.  Fortunately, my daughter has friends of all sizes, and no one has singled her out... yet. 

You are on the right path with talking about eating healthy foods.  When my daughter wants a treat, I ask her to tell me what she has already ate that day... to get her thinking about overall balance in her eating.  If she hasn't had her fruits and veggies, I tell her she can have some of those first.  If she still wants a treat, she'll have to ask again after she is done with those. 

I try very hard not to single out my youngest daughter and use the same rules for my oldest.
 - paying attention to serving sizes and getting them used to comparing nutrition (which my youngest finds fun)
 - reminding them to 'savor the flavor' at meals (versus inhaling their food)
 - using smaller plates at meal times
 - replacing high-calorie drinks with Propel water
 - packing lunches and making sure they are balanced
 - finding fun activities to replace typical exercises (dance games, etc.)

I've also used exercise as a reward.  If my kids do 20 minutes on the treadmill, they get 1/2 hour on the computer. 

If your child's school has a program called "Girls On The Run", I would encourage her to join it.  My daughter has been through it twice, and she loved every minute of it.  It is a supportive group meant to build self-esteem and healthy habits (both mentally and physically).  I saw a change in my daughter immediately.

Best wishes,
Kris

PM me if you'd like.

I know the feeling.  My 11 year old son is overweight for is age/height and has been for a while.  For a while, I was afraid to say anything about it, or address it, because I didn't want him to equate weight with self worth.  After his last exam at the pediatrician, we began to discuss the necessity of using food as fuel and the importance of exercise.  His pediatrician wanted me to come in for a referral to a nutritionist, but--in all honesty---I do know what needs to be done...I can guide my child but I cannot 100% of the time control what he eats or how much exercise he gets.  Our conversation around this has gone well.  It's almost a daily (short) conversation about making good choices and getting 30 mins of sweat-inducing exercise in a day.  I make his lunch for school almost every day.  I make sure there is a healthy snack waiting for him afterschool each day.  I limit the amount of "junk" that is allowed into the house----once in a while, we'll have pizza and salad for a dinner.  No more chips, junk cereals, cookies (unless I make them).  I don't think my son has lost any weight, but he's getting taller and he is paying attention to what we are talking about.  My older son was very chubby until he was about 15----then, he got taller, began to exercise and watch his diet, and now, at 21, he is a gym rat.  I think that when it comes to young kids and weight, we walk a very thin line.  We know better than anyone else how damaging to our psyche negative talk about weight can be.  Don't make a big deal about your daughter using the scale.  I think helping your daughter will help you, as well.  It's defintely easier to live a healthier lifestyle when the whole family is onboard.
Julie

Its so difficult to know what to do and I understand your fears for your daughter. I would try not to stress too much on her weight and just try to implement health in your house~when we're eating and acting in a healthy manner, then the weight comes in balance on its own.

I have a son that is 11yrs old and he has always been a big kid~not obese, but big and way bigger than most of the kids in his school. He struggled with thoughts that he was fat and I have honestly told him that I never want him to have to go thru the struggles with weight that I have gone thru~he understands. He saw me as an obese person and he sees me now, 4yrs later, as a normal weight person. He is currently 5'6" and 142lbs, but last year he was 5'3"-5'4" with a weight of 142lbs~the dr explained that they will have a weight gain before a growth spurt and that's exactly what happened to him so maybe your daughter is ready to sprout up soon.

Only you know what foods are in the house and you certainly can't keep kids away from all of the "bad" foods b/c then they'll only want it more! I think teaching moderation is key~its ok to have a candy bar occasionally or to have a snack with lunch, but only 1 snack not 3. I too pack my boys their lunches daily so I know for the most part what they're eating~of course they can always swap food, LOL! Also, if they ask for a snack I try to steer them towards something healthy like a banana w/peanut butter or yogurt~those are both big in our house right now! I'm trying to not buy as many cookies and chips and have actually been making them sugar free muffins made with splenda, fruit and oatmeal~they really enjoy them!

As far as exercise goes, maybe you can find something fun to do together. We got Wii Fit for Christmas so we've been having alot of fun as a family with that~little do they know that they're getting in some extra movement by doing it! Also, last year I odered some tapes from Leslie Sansone~Walk Away the Pounds for Kids and for Teens~I got them for $3.00 each b/c they were VCR tapes, but my kids actually like doing them sometimes! I think if we can make it fun for them, then they will do it and not even equate it with "exercise".

Good Luck to you and your daughter!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Amber,

My heart goes out to you...  My best advice would be not to make a big deal about it.  Use this as an incentive to get back on track...Once you do, make it fun, something you two can do as mother and daughter.  Go to the store buying healthy foods, join a gym, or go biking, swimming.  Again as mother daughter fun time not "exercise" time because we are "fat".

You will find this will help you both.  And then of course the reward is going shopping and buying all those fabulous summer clothes.  Once she feels safe with you in this area she will open up and talk to you about why she is eating.

But is she is anything like me, I ate because I felt ugly and I was fat.  It's a vicious cycle....hurtful and painful.

Please keep us posted!!!

Take care,
Kathy

 Hi Amber!

I have been where you are with my own daughter.  She was born at 10.5lbs, so that baby was never tiny; now at age 15, she's 5' 8" and 218lbs.   About 2 weeks ago, she confessed that she hates the fact that her friends are little things (you know, the frail type with tiny skinny legs and arms!)  I told her yet again about our history with obesity in our family and that she shouldn't be comparing herself with other girls.  I am sure they love her regardless since they're always asking her out, which is always a plus.

Initially, their pediatrician got on our case because of her weight, but last year, she joined the Track and Field team as a freshman in HS and started running.  When she ran for the very first time, she said she thought she'd die.  Now, she runs a mile in about 10 minutes on the treadmill without taking a break and I think it's awesome!!

In the past year and a half, (she was a late bloomer) and as she's gone through puberty, she's bloomed in the sense that she's making better food choices (MOST of the time); she exercises and carries herself differently.

I am saying all this so that you can see that sometimes is not what we do, but what THEY want to do.  It didnt matter what I did, I left it all to her.  Explain to her that she can make changes happen and why it is NOT okay for her to eat candy bars at school or extra food past what you make for her.  Buy her a little diary where she can keep track of what she eats through the day and at the end of the week, if she's been good, she gets a treat like a candy bar (as opposed to one every day of the week; Mom & Me time; a new book or CD).

I hope I make sense...  and good luck!

Ana in CT

Hi Amber,

I feel for you.  Like the others on your thread, my heart goes out to you and your daughter.

Quite awhile ago, I saw something on CNN that a child of a parent that is obese is 57% of being obese themselves.  However, if the parent loses weight and starts healthy habits themselves, the percentage goes down to 11%!  So, you are leading by example and your daughter will see that.

You've obtained great suggestions and support.  I ditto to what the others have posted in this thread.  Your concern and willingness to do whatever you can and live by your own healthy habits will help her. 

Doing activities not as exercising or working out but as fun and spending time together will go a long way.  She's still young so she can learn and observe the healthy habits from her primary role model - you!

Let us know how things go.  Your daughter is fortunate to have a sensitive parent in you.

Cathy

Thank you guys so so much for your suggests and your concern. I could really feel your answers were honest and heart felt. I am also encouraged that this is something I can deal with, with her and that she and I can be successful!

I will keep you all posted on what is gonig on and how things are changing.  I have a plan and am putting it into action.  First, getting all the junk out of the house and then I spoke to her about just eating her lunch and  not buying extras.  I also have a plan to get us all moving as  a family. :)  

Again thank you for you comments. They are really really appreciated!

Why not let her join a town sport? Cheerleading, softball, soccer?  It will give her exercise and teach her life skills like working together, good sportsmanship, etc.

This way she is having fun, and staying healthy.