Elia-B

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How hard do I have to work as a DS'er to dump????  But I did it!!!!!!!

I drank about 4 cups of milk last night while munching on candy coated gum drops.  I ate quite a few and was enjoying them very much.  I then went to bed.  But, I soon had to get back up because gas was building painfully inside of me.  I headed for the bathroom to sit on the throne in hopes of relieving some of the gas pressure.  I was able to start passing some gas.  Then, some diarrhea hit.  Then I started feeling nasseous.  At first I thought it was in my head, a reaction to what was coming out of me.  But, the sensation grew.  I also quickly realized that I was breaking out in a cold sweat!!!  That's when I knew it, I WAS DUMPING!!!!  The cold sweat lasted a few minutes and then started turning into something that felt like a prickly heat sweat.  The naussea got to the point that I was trying to pick a spot to hurl on that wouldn't leave me tooo messed up as I was not in a position to get off the toilet!!!  Thankfully though, there was no vomitting and the cold to hot sweat left quickly.  I did feel like I dumped half my wt into the toilet, though.  

There were a few more visits to the bathroom during the night and this morning I'm still having some lingering issues.  Plus, there's just a little bit of weakness.  

Well, that was quite an experience!!!  One I hope I don't repeat!  It's good to discover one's limiits.  Thankfully I was in the sanctuary of my own home and was able to deal with the .. outcome... of dumping in a safe and private setting. 

I am nervous to post this.  The last time I posted something having to do with relationships, it was about having my first date post op, and frankly my first date in a Very long time, and I got stood up.

Here I am again - professing that I am yet again at the door of a new relationship.  I believe that I need to talk about me and not really tell you about my new man just yet.  We are so new, and I am scared.  I'm not panicy scared, I'm more resignedly scared.  Life feels like it has taught me through repetitive lessons that things will not work out for me - things will fizzle, things will fall through, will fall apart, unravel.... that he'll lose interest, he won't love me enough to actually want me... he won't show up... and he won't be there for me.

Enter Sean.  I am possibly, hopefully, now faced with having to relearn what I know about my life and love and men.  I am hopefully faced with learning how to trust again, learning how to accept that someone is in it as much or more than me, learning how to accept that someone can love me as much and in the way I hope they would.  I am at a place of learning that the other shoe does not necessarily drop and that someone good could love me enough to want to be all in - and actually be all in.  Sean and I aren't in love yet, but we see it coming and he's telling me he's not the guy who's going to cut and run.  He's telling me he's the guy that's going to stand next to me holding my hand as the future washes over us.  And, if that's true, I have to do the work on me that will allow me to be able to accept the love I so desperately want.  

UPDATE:  dating saga continues!!!
Well...  my wonderful, charming, loving, attentive new beau was a romantic finanacial scammer.  Yep, he asked for money.  Not once, not twice, but three times!!!  When it finally became clear he wasn't getting any from me, he suddenly had a business friend that needed to wire me money so that I could send it on to the Philippines!  That was my "you've got to be kidding me" moment.  That was the moment where all doubt fled and he was just who he was - a scammer.  

Okay, so I've never been one to have energy to burn.  I'm a person that if I'm up and doing something, it's because I'm making myself be up and doing it.  I'm not a person who just can't sit still.  I had hoped that losing wt (about 110 lbs so far) would help my energy level.  Now, it Definitely has!!!  But, I'm still fully capable, and have, spent the vast vast majority of a day sitting on my butt doing a lot of nothing.  I had begun to think that that was just the way it was going to be for me, I was never going to be a person with a healthy boost of energy that had me up and active without having to make myself be up and doing.

Enter protein -- I'm pretty sure my protein has been a bit low all along since my wls.  But, it has slowly continued to drop so that now it is even a little deficient.  After my 9 mo labs, I was asked to increase my protein intake.  I did make it a bigger focus but I'm not sure that I was really good about tracking it and making sure I was consistently getting in a certain amount of protein every day.  I think I upped it to at least 100 grams of protein at 9 months... an amount I'm pretty sure I was getting anyway.  And, at my 12 month labs, my protein dropped another two points.  So, the nutritionist called, made sure my protein sources were good protein sources (animal based versus soy), and asked me to up it to 150 grams of protein a day.  I'm pretty sure I was getting above 100 grams of protein on many days before.. sometimes much, much more!  So, I am making 160 grams of protein my goal.  I have made this a consistent focus for about a week now... and my energy is increasing!!!  YES!!!!!  :D

So... if you are feeling lethargic, even if you think you're getting in the amount of protein you think you're suppose to, consider increasing it to see if your energy also increases.

Now, I'd also like to say that I made changes to my vitamins by moving over to the vitalady vitamin plan for DSer's.  However, I'm not up and running fulling on the plan yet and while I feel that what I am now taking is better than what i was before, the differences are not extreme.  The biggest increase to the vitamins I'm taking is Vitamin D - I'm taking double what I was and for a few days was taking triple what I was.  But, my vitamin D levels are coming along with a 6 pt climb between my 9 and 12 month labs.  I am ALMOST in the normal range.  Basically - I do feel that this recent boost of energy is directly releated to my increase in protein. But, if you up your protein (up it to 200 grams a day if that's what it takes) but you still feel draggy, look to your vitamins, especially your B-12.  My B-12 is high at the moment... I actually need to back off of it a little bit.  

Well... I'm rambling at this point.  Happy energy hunting to you!!! 

I got a call from the nutritionist (Pam) regarding my 1 year post op labs that I had done on the 8th of Dec.  My protein dropped two points and my vitamin K1 is simply all over the place.  In this lab, she said it was about as low as it could be.  (I'll have them fax me a copy of the labs next week.)   I don't think I'm retaining my vitamin K1.  I believe I am absorbing it as one of my labs showed my vit K1 incredibly high.  But, I ran out of K1 a few weeks before my labs this time.  So, I wasn't taking it and it bottomed out.  Something else I'd been doing was that I had been sticking to the prescribed 1,000 mcg per day instead of some times going higher.  When I previously took higher doses of it above what I was suppose to, maybe 2 or 3,000 mcg on some days, my vit K1 had come out as extremely high.  Right now, i'm suppose to up it to 2,000 mcg per day.  As I said, I suspect my body is absorbing it but not retaining it.  Very odd!  I need to learn more about vit K1.  

For my 9-month labs, my protein was low, or possibly I should say still a bit low although it had not been a focus until then, and I was told to up my protein intake.  I did increase it but I don't think I've been consistent enough in what I was taking in.  I had started tracking my food again late November / early December.  Someone recommended myfitnesspal and I started using it and have found it to be a wonderful tracking system.  Anyway, I looked back at my food tracking and it was not as consistent with the protein as I thought it had been.  I do think I've been pretty consistent, at least through the week, of getting my protein up over 100.  When I talked with Pam, I was thinking I had been pretty consistent at getting it in anywhere from 110 to 160 grams a day and went with a 130 grams per day as an average.  Maybe that's high.  Maybe I'm fooling myself.  I need to do a better job of tracking my food intake.  

I told Pam I would make 160 my new goal average.  I am going to have to make the bulk of that protein via protein drinks.  I'm just not feeling that good about dense proteins!  I don't like the way they sit on my stomach.  it's frustrating.  I can eat them, but I think quantity is an issue for me.  It's not fun to eat a very small portion of food and not feel food satisfaction from the quantity and the way it feels heavy and uncomfortable on my stomach.  I feel like I'm more picky now than I was earlier on!!!  That is frustrating.  

In contrast, I can eat processed foods like crackers, cheetos, etc, no problem.  Processed foods seem to sit easy on my stomach and they fulfill my desire to munch, munch, munch.  I do feel that this is getting in my way of losing weight (I have 55 more lbs to go).  And, it is probably getting in my way of getting in sufficient protein.  Regardless, protein drinks will still be my primary source of protein and I stand by that choice.  There are folks on here that would slam me pretty hard and preach that I am not doing right, I need to get real, yada yada....  but I'm feeling a bit defensive at the moment.  Anyone who is reading this and dealing with protein issues, don't feel bad if protein drinks are your primary source of protein.  There are A LOT of people for whom protein drinks are the protein answer.  Don't let anyone tell you differently or make you feel bad if you find that is the case for you.  

Returning to my processed foods (carbs) related snacks....  my answer for that is to be honest with myself when tracking my food on myfitnesspal.  Another member mentioned that the scale seems to move for her when she keeps her carbs down to about 30 grams a day.  Phew!!!  That is low!  One cup of milk has 11 grams of carbs in it.  My protein powder (Jay Robb's Egg White) has 4 grams of carbs per scoop.  My morning protein drink is cold coffee, 2 scoops of protein (8 grams carbs), 1 cup of whole milk (11 grams carbs), and maybe some heavy whipping cream (I'll count it as 1 carb).  So, my morning protein drink has 20 grams of carbs! I have been experimenting increasing how much heavy whipping cream I use in order to decrease the amount of carbs.  A cup of heavy whipping cream has 7 carbs in it.  So.. replacing the whole milk with cream, it knocks it down to 15 carbs and 55 grams of protein.  Now, given my need for increased protein, I will probably be adding another double scoop of protein in the evening when I get home from work.  I'm not sure what my evening protein drink will be.  It will probbaly vary a bit as I'll have more time to play with the drink, but it will have a minimum of 8 grams of carbs in it.  So, that will give me 23 grams of carbs just from the baseline of getting in my protein needs.  So... 30 grams of carbs is a hard goal for me.  What I started doing when I started logging my food again is that I made it an initial goal to get in no more than 100 grams of carbs per day.  When I got the knack for that, I started making 50 grams of carbs per day my goal and seeking how close I could get to that.  My nothin-but-net, slam dunk goal is to get it down close to 30 grams of carbs per day, just to try it out, see how the scale is moving for me, and see how I feel at that level.  I will work to make small adjustments to see how close to that goal I can get. 

I feel good about these goals, and I feel good that they will help me reach my overall goal of reaching my goal wt.  One more change that I've made, and this is the end of my first week of having made this change, I am now recording my wt once a week (on Saturday) instead of every day.  I might still weight myself every day, but I'm only going to record my wt once a week.  I feel that this will allow for wt bounces to sort themselves out and give me a chance to see if I am actually on a downward trend a little more clearly.  And, it will hopefully take some of the frustration out of things when I don't see the scale move the way I want it to some days.  I feel good about this decision.  :-)  

I ate Cream of Wheat this morning with some sugar and some heavy whipping cream.  Shortly after that I went back to bed feeling awful.  It's been maybe an hour now since I ate it and I'm feeling much better.  I didn't shake, didn't get nauseous.  I just felt bad.  The best I can discribe it is from when I was pre-op and I would eat something that would mess with my blood sugar too much and I would just feel bad.  It's odd the things that would affect me.. I used to be able to eat a donute and a pop and feel fine but maybe a kids type cereal with milk and feel awful.  Anyway, It's been about an hour and I am feeling a lot better now.  

Today is my 1 year surgiversary.  It was one year ago today that my life changed... and continues to change in a slow tumbling snow ball kind of way over this entire last year.  I have lost approx. 110 bls (not counting a recent small regain).  This is fantastic.  This is glorious.  This is a new life.  I know that as I continue on in my wt loss journey, this next year will have as many transformations for me, if not more, than the year that I have just lived.  

I am so blessed... for this surgery and for the support I've received through this OH community.  Thank you all.

May we all have beautiful new year's to come!   .... Live your lives.  It's why we chose this journey.

It's Christmas day..  it's a good day.  Family, friends, excellent food and happiness.

I hope everyone's Christmas is a joyous one!!!   

I just tried this and it was pretty good.. I don't think I would have it every day though.

Rice pudding
1 scoop Jay Robb's Vanilla Egg White Protein Powder
2 tablespoons of orange juice.

It provided a nice alternative to my usual coffe + protein morning drink. 

Well..  I'm sad.  And, I need to talk about it.  I used to turn to food to feel better, but food just doesn't have the same medicating effect on my emotions that it once did since having the wls.

I got stood up on my "first date" back into the fray of things.  We were texting the day of the date earlier in the day and things just went silent.  There was no fight, no falling out, no apparent boredom in the company we were sharing.  Things just went silent.

I've been holding out hope that I would still hear from him.  I thought that maybe something had happened, a sink hole maybe opened up under his feet and it took him several days to reach his cell ph... something like that.  That scenario is a little extreme, but you get the idea.  But my little light bulb of hope is starting to dim and now I am starting to feel sad.  Hope dies hard for me, so hard.  It always has. 

UPDATE:  Well...  I got some more confirmation.  I was just simply stood up.  He did the time honored approach of men through the millenium of just avoiding instead of saying, hey, you seem like a nice person but I don't see this working out.  Ug...  what a horrible initiation back into the world of dating!  Now I am steeped in all of these emotions and I just want to escape them.  I want to sleep them away, drink them away, even pop pills to numb them.  I did go to bed early (which just resulted in me waking up early, still emotionally ravaged), and I do have some Irish Cream topping off my morning protein drink, but I have not resorted to pills.  UG!!!  I hate this.  I did eat... pasta.  My old soother friend pasta.  And... I did feel calmer after eating it.  Amazing how that works!  I need to put water behind me to escape the feelings.  I'm thinking the best way to let them go is to provide other things to feel excited about.  I've been working on some low budget home remodeling.  Pulling up carpet to take the floor down to the original wood, moving things around, throwing things out.  I've got a three day weekend to work with this weekend -- I'm thinking of getting some paint and getting some painting done.  And ... if I can stand it, I might make some more connections on match.  This sucks...

Tomorrow, I have my first date in years.  I, my friends, was not a successful "big girl".  I didn't date.  Didn't have very many options.  And, I physically felt in my own way when it came to dating.  Literally - my size, in my way.  Yet, tomorrow I have my very first date post surgery and my very first date in years, period.  I'm excited, elated, and terrified and hard on myself all at the same time.  I look at myself in the mirror and I think, oh no.  What if he notices this about me.  He's not going to want me.  He won't be attracted to me.  He'll find some graceful way to bow out or will stand me up all together.  And then I think, no woman is perfect.  Every gorgeous woman out there has some insecurity about something that others see as nothing.  They're too busy looking at all her other beauty.  So...  I'm going to emphasize my eyes and my lips.  I'm going to wear a tight top that shows off my curves.  And I'm going to give him things to look at that I know will be pleasing to him.  And, I'm going to smile, be relaxed, and enjoy the moment for what it is.  A date.  Not the rest of my life.  Just a date with a guy and having a nice time with someone.  Creating an experience.  Creating new memories to cherish and feel good about.  And maybe... just maybe... a relationship will blossom.

With a deep calming breath and a prayer of thanks, go I.

Elia