Allecia

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I don't have much to report or anything. Just some thoughts. One that has struck me the last week or so, is that with my surgery coming up, I keep talking about when I lose weight. Like it's a foregone conclusion. It feels weird thinking of it that way. It's weird to 'expect' it. So many times I've tried to lose weight and it just never worked. And now to *know* it's coming and to make plans for it to happen (like having a stock of smaller clothes & stuff) just feels so strange. Like I'm tempting fate or something! I keep thinking of it and just trying to internalize it; very weird.

Something else that I think about a *lot* (way more than I'd like to) is how I'm going to look once the weight is off. Yep, I'm talking about all the left-over skin. I tell ya, it's really stressing me out! I don't know why, but sometimes I obsess about it. I have nightmares about it. What's that about? I don't know why I think about it. I just know that I am so heavy, that it's very likely I'll have a lot. And with plastic surgery so spendy, it's not like we can just go out and fix it. Weird that I'm feeling that way and freaking out about it so much. My mind is thinking about my weight so much now (and never used to!) that I guess it's just one more aspect. But I'm trying to let it go (and being fairly successful) but thought I'd put my feelings out there, in case anyone else ever does. They'll know they aren't alone.

Yeah, let's talk about how much I'm thinking about my weight lately. OMG, it's all I think about anymore. Which (as anyone who knows me knows) I do NOT do. It would shut me down. And I am too social and too friendly to let that get in my way; and I've never been treated bad (as an adult, anyway) due to my weight. Of course, I never go out there where I could get treated bad (like if I were looking for love or something like that. I have the love of my life already thankyouverymuch. ). So, I've never really had a reason for it to shut me down. Well, now that I am so focused on it, holy crap, it's hard for me to be as social as I'm used to. I HATE that. I hate feeling that way. Last night for my birthday, we went and sang Karioke (yeah, I know I spelled that wrong; too lazy to look it up! ) and I was highly uncomfortable going up and singing. Not because I would suck at it (hah, most of em do!) but because I was so incredibly self concious (yep, another one I'm too lazy to look up). I made a group of us go up and sing Def Lepard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me" and it was really cool! However, all of my friends who were up there singing with me were thin and beautiful. Except for me, and I felt HUGELY conspicuous. I still had fun, but felt very ackward and ungainly. I've always felt Amazonish, but damn, I felt really uncomfortable with how I looked and how I must have looked up there with all these gorgeous women. I hate that I feel that way and that I've been thinking of myself that way. What a drag. Sometimes I wish I could go back to how I was, but that is terribly unhealthy and I want to make good changes and good choices. Knowing and understanding that what I was doing was unhealthy is the first step to getting over it. (Like acknowledging you have a problem.) So I'm admitting it, feeling yucky, and getting help. What a hard, hard process. I want to think well of myself again. I'm sure it will come. I just have to have my weight right there in my face so I can't go back into denial anymore. I so want to be healthy again and go do just everything! Let me remember what it is I want to do. Maybe that will help? I want to RIDE HORSES, hike, and camp, and ride bikes, and learn to ski/snowboard, and be on a soccer team and roller hokey, and go mountain biking. This is the way to get there. I just need to persevere. Well, I guess I'm done rambling for the night. Thanks for listening! {{{HUGS}}}

I saw the nutritionist today. Ugh, I was up all night last night coughing up a storm (I had to call in to work; I *hate* doing that!), so I was a bit late for my appointment. I felt so bad, but they were very accomodating. I really appreciated it! Their office is so great! Anyway, the nutritionist mostly told me what my diet will consist of the first 6 weeks out of my surgery. I will be doing some major healing, so I need to be extremely careful what I eat, and trickle it all in to my pouch. I have been reading and studying, so none of this came as a huge surprise. It was good to hear from an actual person, though. She made sure I was understanding everything, and gave plenty of opportunities to ask questions. She was very nice. :-) She also asked me what I would think my ideal weight would be. I told her that I would love to weigh 140, but with how broad (yeah, real feminine) and muscular I am, I will probaly end up with something like 160. She said, well, since I am big boned (ack! how many times have I heard *that*) that a good weight for me will probably be in the 175 range. DH would be jumping up for joy if I weigh 200! I told him at least I want to be *under* the 200 mark! So he said, Okay, how about 199? I have a great DH! :-) :-)

Well shoot, I never got back to my last update (the surgeon consult), and now it's too late cause I forgot most of the rest! Well, except the picture. Susan took my picture for the first official "Before". I was wearing a long button up shirt, and we (DH & I) thought it should be tucked in, so I tucked that bad boy in. Ick! But it will hopefully be a good before shot. We're going to take some for home use this week some time. She also got my BP, O2, and weight. Every time I go in there I weigh less. What's up with that?? :-) I think Michele (my friend who is helping me with nutrition & just plain moving more) is having a wonderfully positive impact in my life. Hmm, there was one more thing I wanted to say... Shoot, I can't remember. Oh well. Now that I have an actual date and this is actually going to happen, I'll probably need to write a LOT more!

I GOT APPROVED, I GOT APPROVED, I GOT APPROVED!!!! OMG, I can't believe it!! Yay Yay Yay Yay!!!! Susan called me today at around 1:00pm and gave me the news yippee!!! My surgery is on July 19th. Woo Hoo!!! I am so shocked that it has all happend the way it has. Susan thanked me for having all the paperwork that I was able to get; she said that made it quicker. BOY was it hard to concentrate the rest of the day!! My head is in the clouds! Lisa (my girlfriend who just had the surgery in March) came and saw me and we had the best talk. It was so nice commiserating with her. Thank you honey!! I have all my pre-op stuff on July 11th, and then it's show time baby! I am still in shock. :-) I am so ready for this. I'm not nervous yet, just excited. Take care everyone!

(Okay Lisa, here it is! ) I saw the surgeon today!! Woo Hoo!! It was a very good meeting. He walked right up to me and looked me straight in the eye and shook my hand (and DH's, too) and got right into our talk. First he asked why I wanted the surgery. What was my weight doing to me, or preventing me from being able to do. Of course I mentioned horses. :-) And not doing as much with Kris as I wanted, and all the health issues and all that. He wrote it all down, and then went into his talk (he liked to write it all down and draw it out on paper, it was cute!) and explained the detail of what he was going to do. All through this he kept asking if we had any questions and if we understood everything. All this time he kept looking at us and gauging our reaction. You could *really* see the compassion in his eyes and demeanor. Then he moved on to the risks, which is of course hard to hear. But I've been a good girl and doing my research, so I'd heard them before. Plus I've read the manual and went to the talks, so I felt prepared for that. Then we discused the meal plan for the first 4 weeks and why it's that way. It was funny, because he said the first week is only clear liquids, and we're only going for hydration. We have plenty in the hump, or we wouldn't be here (the funny part) but we need to keep hydrated since we're just big bags of water. Only drinking water and trickling it in allows for a lot of healing to tak place and not put stress on the system, and that would take care of most minor leaks. Believe me baby, I'm gonna be one sipping girl!!! I don't want a leak!! It was nice to hear they do several leak tests in the hospital. I feel very confident in this team. :-) Anyway, the next few weeks are about learning to eat tiny amounts and stuff. After 4 weeks, we can introduce more things, and work on making healthy choices. I am so ready for that.

Well, there's probably way more I could say, but it's getting really late and I'm very tired. I'll try to finish up this week some time. G'night!

Well, I had my appointment with the Patient Coordinator today. She is SUCH a sweetheart!!! She gave me a book to read, and a whole binder full of stuff to read and study. She went over most of it (the binder) with me, and answered our hundreds of questions. (Okay maybe not *that* many!) She has most of my Dr's medical files except for one, so I'll have to see what happened there. She doesn't think she'll need it, but I want to see what happened. Would hate for my records to have been faxed to some random place! My insurance gave me some information way back when I was trying to figure out the stupid psychology stuff, so I gave her that as well. I am *quite* sure she's all over all that insurance stuff (she must have an iron will to deal with that every day!) but I told my insurance that I would give her the information, so I did. I felt a bit dumb, though. I mean, she's the expert. But she was very gracious and I felt better once I handed her all the information. Yeah, I'm anal! She weighed me, so there's my starting weight I assume. 353.4. How did I ever let that happen??? We had a HUGE pot-luck at work today, and I ate so much it hurt. I haven't done that in quite awhile. Of course it was the day I get weighed! But no worries. I wouldn't be having this if I didn't have a problem, would I? But it's still hard to see it in black and white like that. I feel so ashamed. Anyway (on to less depressing stuff!), she told me that the surgeon is taking most of June off, and they have their panel June 2nd, so if I wanted to be on the review for that panel, I'd better see him or it will be another 6 weeks out. (I guess they do the panel review every 6 weeks). Since Dr. Read is taking so much time off, I didn't figure we'd be able to see him until after June, but we got an appointment with him THIS MONDAY!!! Holy smokes!!! I was initially planning on seeing the surgeon after I found out if I was approved from insurance. (It's how they break up their program fee. It's $750.00 payable in 3 installments of $250.00. And it's non-refundable. Seeing the Patient Coordinator is the first $250.00, seeing the surgeon is the second $250.00, and the pre-op appointment is the last $250.00. We were willing to gamble $250.00 on insurance paying, but I wanted to wait for the second installment. But apparantly they (insurance) need the surgeon's notes from meeting me as well, so we have to go. Which really is a good thing; I just didn't think we'd need the next installment quite so soon!) So anyway, we're seeing the surgeon sooner rather than later, and I am STOKED!!! I am really looking forward to seeing him (already met him at an informational session he held) and going over the nitty-gritty details with him. I am so ready for this surgery. I know it will be a lot different than I think it will be, but I feel ready and feel really positive about this. Yay! :-) And if things go smoothly and there are no roadblocks, it appears I could be having surgery as early as JULY! WOW!!! Things have certainly picked up momentum!! It feels good. :-)

A girlfriend of mine is going to be having the gastric banding surgery. She's going through the same steps I am (only not locally, since there isn't anyone local) and it looks like we'll be doing it about the same exact time. Too funny!! We'll be calling each other every day seeing how the other is doing!

My girlfriend who has just went through this has been so encouraging and wonderful! Lisa, you're just the BEST. I love ya girl! She has given me so much advice and help, and just listening to me talk about it. She's so great! It's really cool to know exactly what I'll be going through in just a few months. She's got a good memory and is really looking forward to helping me.

I have so many wonderful friends and family who are supporting me. I am so very, very lucky to have you all. I can't *begin* to tell you how much each and every one of you means to me. I love you all so much!! You all make me who I am.
Will probably post next after the surgeon appointment. Take care! {{{HUGS}}}

I've been lurking on some of the message boards in the past month or so. I won't mention the one I introduced myself on so far (my Mom is reading this! ) but I am excited to start interacting with more people. I *really* want to get my girlfriend involved, too. She is a bit shy on the boards, but I'm hoping that her reading my intro will entice her out. (Are ya reading this Lisa?? Love ya sweetie!) I'm feeling happy and positive today. I will still research what can go wrong, and still get scared, but it will be good to talk to people who have been successful for a number of years. And, of course, I have my wonderful, beautiful, dear friends and family who are more supportive that I could have imagined. {{{HUGS}}} to them (you!) all.

Yikes, I've been researching problems that can happen with WLS. Those are hard to read. My heart aches for all those folks who have had so very many problems. Problems that no person should have to deal with. It makes me really scared. Which is not like me. I tend to be a fairly upbeat person, but I kind of inundated myself with what could go wrong and got scared. Knowledge is power, and I 'ought' to know what could go wrong (and DH was pretty proud of me for looking in to it. Remember the denial I'm always talking about! ) but it scared me. Not enough to stop the presses or anything (since I do have so many weight-related issues) but Wow...

Had my second psych eval today. Was supposed to have 2 in a row so we could get through it all faster, but she had an emergency, and gave my other appointment away. Totally fine. I'm not going to begrudge someone that! So all I did for this one is to take the test. Only (hah, only!) 175 questions. I've heard of others that are over 500. I love that stuff, so it was interesting. I probably answered over 95 percent of the questions false, though! I think that means I'm anal retentive!! I also filled out a food-type questionnaire. That one made me nervous because my psychologist (hmm, am I supposed to capitalize that?) said that it was a good indicator of who would make a good candidate for surgery. Talk about pressure!! But I was honest throughout, and if I would be unlikely to succeed, then I guess I shouldn't have the surgery. I would VEHEMENENTLY disagree, but I'll just have to have faith. We have our last appointment May 25th. We'll go over the results and the rest of the talk, and she'll write it all up that weekend to submit to Samaritan Bariatric. I guess they have a panel (with all kinds of specialists) that meets once a month (or three?) to go over all the requests. So I'll have to talk to the patient coordinator sooner than I expected (was going to wait for *everything* to be done) because I'd like my case to be brought before the panel. I certainly don't want to have to wait an additional 3 months! So things are feeling pretty good right now. I still have ups and downs, but I don't think it's all weight related, or even WLS related. Just normal ups and downs. Just feels more down when I feel I've gorged that day! I know I am fat, (eek, the 'F' word!!) but I don't like to *feel* fat. Know what I mean?

Hah, I finally beat out my procrastination and filled out and MAILED my release forms so the last 2 Dr's can fax my information to the patient Coordinator. Took me long enough! I have a big sense of relief that it's done. Yay!