Allecia

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Urg, I am feeling yucky today. Let me start at the beginning. Earlier, I felt like I needed to eat. While I don't feel hungry anymore, I do feel *something* so I thought I would have a hard-boiled egg. I figured I could probably eat half of it. Well, I eat about a quarter of it (or less!) and I feel soooo yucky! Then I'm thinking it's going to come up, and sure enough it did. I vomited again, and it HURT this time. I didn't eat much of the egg, so it was a lot of dry heaving. And I have felt yucky ever since. I tried to have some cream of wheat, but that made me feel yucky, too, and I thought I was going to puke again! So just water for me for awhile. I wonder what happened? No more hard boiled eggs for me! Not for awhile, anyway!

I had a Dr appt with my PCP today (she's awesome, I love seeing her!). I have this terrible rash on my lower legs. I have no idea what it is or how I got it. It showed up about 2 weeks ago. This is the same kind of rash that DH ended up getting when he had lost his first bunch of weight. We are seeing a connection. His got majorly infected, and was a very Big Deal until it cleared up. It was actually life threatening. He wanted to make sure that we caught mine right away before it got to that point. He is really feeling for me, because it ITCHES like CRAZY!! Oh my goodness, I'll be itching it and not even realizing it! Anyway, the Dr. really thinks it's poison oak. I have no idea where I would have gotten it, (and I'm not sure I agree with her) but (she said, or maybe alluded to) it doesn't really matter what it is, the treatment would be the same. She gave me some very powerful cream, and said if it doesn't clear up within a week, I'll be seeing a dermatologist. I just adore my Dr!! She likes to get things taken care of. I told her that Don & I have a theory about this rash, since he had the exact same thing happen. We theorize that there are toxins stored in the fat cells and those get released when you lose weight. (Much like the other things we are told; like estrogen.) That would explain it happening to both of us at around the same amount of weight loss. (50lbs) Weird, huh? She thought it was interesting, and had a very thoughtful look on her face. Now maybe she was just being the cool person she is and placating me, but she looked interested. :-) We'll probably never know what really happened, but it's something to think about. If this has happened to anyone else, drop me a line. It would be cool to gather some data. (What? Is the Process Tech in me still awake after all this time off??? Hehehe).

Here are my stats from her office.

2:30pm
Weight - 296 (WOO HOO!!!! Holy cow and WOW!!!)
BP - 128/70
No pulse was taken.

I had my 1 month Dr. Appt today. I NOW WEIGH UNDER 300 LBS!!! WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!! Holy crap, I can't believe that! I am stunned and amazed. I still can't quite believe it. I can't remember the last time I was under 300lbs. The Dr. is quite pleased with my progress. My BP is still awesome (110/68), and my pulse is getting lower (72). My scale at home is a little bit higher than the Dr. office. I'm not sure which one to go by! Oh, and while I am not much of a BMI tracker, the office said my BMI is now 44. A big change from 54! :-) Things are a'changin!

Don, Kris & I went on a hike at Willamette Park. Oh my goodness, we had a really good time! We went through some trails I'd never seen. And it was so overgrown. It was so cool! Don & I held hands through most of it. We looked at a few swamps. One of them was completely covered in algae. Looked like a grass field until you threw a rock into it. We just had such a nice hike. Kris would explore some other trails for a few hundred feet. He doesn't like to be too far away, so he wouldn't explore too much, but it was cute when he did. It was good bonding time for us. We felt like we were breaking trail for some of it! We hiked for almost an hour & a half. Let me tell you about TIRED! Hah, I thought I was tired the other day! But it's a good tired. I'm feeling pretty good. Feels so good to get out there and MOVE. Ahhh, so wonderful. We'll probably try riding the bikes this week. I hope my tummy is up to it. I don't want to keep banging it with my knees trying to ride! We'll see. So many great things to look forward to. I think we even may find a trail head in the pass and give that a try. Neat!! I've always wanted to do that!

It has been a good morning. :-)

Update later this evening:
It's close to bedtime, and Don is busy with something. I thought I would poke around in my closet. I have been so bummed because I've lost I'd say a good amount of weight, and my pants still freaking fit! It's driving me a little crazy. I mean, it's good that I can still wear clothes and all; especially since I can't go buy a whole new wardrobe for every size I drop, but c'mon! I've lost 60 pounds and my pants still fit!!! So, that's bummed me out. So I'm looking through my closet, and I figure, hey, let me try on some shirts that haven't fit in forever. Guess what??? THEY FIT!!! WOO HOO!!! I was so happy about that! I mean, the sizes are still quite large, but THEY FIT! :-) That was such a happy, good moment for me.

Well, I went to support group meeting today. Lisa came and picked me up. It was SO GOOD to see her!! OMG, she is looking FABULOUS!! :-) I've missed her like crazy, so it was good to get together and talk.

I got to see Trudy as well (at the meeting)!! That was great, as I've missed her like crazy, too! :-) It was a really good meeting; I'm glad I went. (I was super tired this morning and was kinda whining to myself about going ). Anyway, lots of talking about feelings and how you feel about yourself on the inside. Feeling fat still, even though you aren't. Although I haven't got there yet, since I'm still fat! But good stuff to keep in mind and to battle against in the future. Someone there made a very moving comment. This person said that when they were fat, they (felt) that they were the only person who loved them. And now that they're thin and *wanting* to be thin and enjoying being thin, they feel like they are letting that fat person down, and taking away the only love they ever got. Wow. Yeah, I got tears in my eyes. Let me tell ya, that was profound for me.

Anyway, after the meeting, Lisa & I went on a walk at Willamette park; it was such a wonderful walk! We chatted and laughed; I just adore her! We were out for about 45 minutes, and I was TIRED when we got back! I was bummed I was so tired, but I had my long pants & regular shoes on, which maybe excacerbated being hot & tired. I have been walking in shorts & stuff. So that probably made me hotter. Plus I am not getting *near* enough fluids in. I have to get better at that. I've been feeling dizzy & light-headed, and I know that's a sure sign of dehydration.

Well, here are my stats today...

BP - 115/80
Pulse - 72
Weight 303.6 (WOW! This was the weight at the support group meeting, which is different than my home scale.)

I vomited today. :-( I told myself I would *never* let this happen, and it did anyway. Ugh!

My and my best friend went to the Oregon Gardens today. It was so beautiful and we walked & walked. It was great! We probably walked for an hour and a half! How long has it been that I could do *that*? I remember when 10 minutes was a stretch (before surgery!) It's so beautiful there (I'd never been) and we had such a good time. I wasn't even hurting (my back or anything). I got tired, but it wasn't cause I was hurting. That felt so good!

When we were done, it was close to dinner time for the both of us, so we decided to go out to dinner. I thought I was ready for this step. (Ha!) Anyway, I stopped drinking my water and by the time we got there, my alloted time had passed. (30 minutes before I eat.) We end up going to Red Lobster, which was way cool because I was craving Crab. Yum!!! (I am on moist proteins, so I am allowed to eat that.) Oh, and guess what??? (I'm so exctied!!!!) I FIT INTO THE BOOTH!!! WOO HOOO!!! What a feeling! I was so scared to slide in when they were sitting us, and I fit right in! What a rush! :-) :-) So anyway, we order & Paula orders me a side of crab (bless her heart!) and when we get our entre, I'm cracking the crab out of the shell & piling it on a plate so I can monitor how much I eat. Paula shares her salmon w/me, too, so I have a few bites of that as well. Well, as I was cracking the crab, I would pop a bit into my mouth (OMG, sooo yummy!!!) and shell some more, pop another piece in, shell some more, have a tiny bite of salmon, shell some more. I think you get the picture? I took my time with all of this, but it was still MUCH too much. I end up feeling really yucky. Like my pouch was full, so the food just kind of built up in my throat; waiting for the pouch to empty. What a horrible feeling. Then I started salivating like mad, and trying to swallow, which would make it worse (the pain would come in waves, like the food was trying to fit into my pouch, but wouldn't, and that would hurt, then it would back up into my throat again) and I just wanted to relax and make it go away. I didn't think I would actually vomit, though (I *hate* to vomit & will do almost anything to avoid it. At least I thought I would!). Anyway, so we leave and drive back home. I keep feeling yuckier and yuckier and I salivate more. I tell Paula, "I really think I'm going to throw up, I'm so sorry!" and I ended up throwing up into a paper bag she had. It didn't hurt like I thought (was afraid) it would, and I sure felt better after! But how embarrassing!! I can't believe I let this happen! Boy, never, ever again! I'm taking my measuring cup with me wherever we go! It's actually in my purse, but I didn't take it (my purse) with me when we left. Ugh, I was *so* uncomfortable. We pulled over at a rest stop & walked around for a little while. I think I just threw up what was in my throat because I still felt full, and even a little bit more. But *not* like it was. When we got home, I relaxed for about an hour, and felt a lot better. Whew, that was not good! Like I said, never again! Measure, measure, measure!!! Lesson well learned!!

Well, it's been a tough week last week. I have been so depressed. Which is weird considering how excited I was about my appointments. I'm finally getting a bit out of it, though. An awesome walk & chat with my girlfriend helped ENORMOUSLY. I know folks look forward to my updates to see how I'm doing; it was just so hard to write anything when I was feeling so low. I don't really even know why. Sometimes I didn't even bother getting dressed, I'm letting my house get the better of me, and I haven't really been motivated to go on a walk. Like I said, I'm getting better, I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I guess food was more of a comfort than I thought it was. (I was also PMSing, which always affects me, too.) I'm trying to buck up and shake it off, though. I have no regrets, so don't worry about that. I just need to get through this phase.

Well, I don't really have much more to add. I'll try to be more proactive about keeping this updated. I get to start regular proteins today. I'm going to make turkey burgers, yum! I'll be able to have a bit or two, but the flavor will be fabulous! :-) DH is also going to make me some chicken salad mix. Chicken, eggs, mayo, seasonings, yummy, too! :-) Oh, and he said he would make his famous turkey breast (that he crock pots with the BEST seasonings... It's so moist and flavorful...) Yep, can you tell I'm looking forward to a more broad array of flavors? :-)

Okay, I'll update again soon. Take care everyone. Thanks all for your thoughts & messages. They keep me going.

I had my 2 week appointment today. I am down to 313 from 345 on my surgery day. Holy COW!!! I haven't been taking any of my meds (stomach pill & high blood pressure pill, nor any of my asthma stuff) since surgery (it was all unintentional, just kept forgetting, and sleeping through it), and my blood pressure was 110/70!!! Yippeee!!!! My surgeon made me make an appt with my pcp to confirm about my meds (shouldn't go off on my own) so I managed to get in to see her yesterday, too! More on tht in a bit. Anyway, my surgeon says everything looks really good, and I am released to drink as much as I want. They want to see my get 64oz in, yeah right!! I'm having trouble getting 48 in! But they said it could take up to a few months to work up to that. Whew! I am also released to start eating mushy foods today. I had eggs. Mmmmmm!! Going to have cottage cheese for lunch, and I just read somewhere a few minutes ago about refried beans being a good thing to eat while on mushy foods. Going to go get some of those, too! Yummy! So, the surgeon is quite pleased with my progress. It's been so hard, but I am so pleased with how well it's going. The pain is finally starting to lessen, and I'm able to do more, which is a huge relief for me.

Then I go see my pcp, and I weigh in (hah, this is the first time I've looked forward to *that* part!) and the nurse looks at the scale, looks at the chart and goes back and forth for a minute. Then he asks me if that was right? I told him yep! I had seen the Dr 22 days before, and weighed 353, and weighed yesterday at 313. What a rush!! Then he takes my BP, which was 122/68 (yay, still low!!) and I wait for my Dr. I can hear her pick up my chart on the other side of the door, and I hear her exclaim, "Holy crap!" That was so great!!! She came in and confirmed that was right, and she was so pleased! I told her about my meds, and she told me that I don't need them anymore. WOO HOO I'M OFF MY MEDS!!!!! I can't believe it happened so fast. I am just so tickled and excited. I wanted to share.

Here is the e-mail that I sent to all my friends & family. I'm just going to copy & paste it here. I'll add a few more notes probably tomorrow discussing further some of the unpleasant issues I've noticed, but didn't need to bore my friends with!

Well, it's past time, actually. Hey everyone, sorry it's taken so long to get this out. What a time it has been. Very trying and more than a little painful. But I am home from the hospital and finally feel like I'm doing well. I guess I'll start at the beginning. :-)

I wake up bright and early Tuesday morning. I have to be at the hospital at 5:30, UGH!! As anyone who knows me, knows I'm not a morning person! Hah, they won't even need the anesthesia! I get there right on time, and they start checking me in and getting me into my gown and all that. Kristopher has brought a whole wealth of stuff to do for the day (poor kid, how boring are hospitals to 9 year olds?) and Don just brought me. :-) Trudy (bless her heart!) was there when we got to the surgical section, and she braided my hair for me (thank goodness! What a difference that made!) and then the 3 of them visited for awhile. Trudy had to take Bill to work and make her lunch, so she offered to take Kris with her and Don & I got some alone time. That was so sweet of her! My Mom & Dad showed up and we all visited for a bit and then all the surgical folks started coming and talking with me, explaining things, hooking me up to things, and then it was time to go! One syringe of happy juice and they wheel me out with the faces of my friends and family looking down at me.

Brr, I know they keep the OR's cold, but how can a surgeon operate with frostbite!! It was a bit chilly. :-) They had me move to the operating table, and then got my covered and comfy. They strapped my hands away from my sides and then started hooking me up to all kinds of things. One of them must have been oxygen, cause not too long after that I had an oxygen mask over my face. My 02 levels have a tendency to be low, I think. I feel them feel for my trachea, which they will push to close my esophogas (to prevent any 'backwash' from my stomach into my lungs as they insert the tube). I think they were doing that a bit early, because I sort of remember someone saying not yet. But it didn't hurt or be uncomfortable or anything. I remember at my pre-op appointment them saying that would happen. I dind't expect to remember it, though. Anyway, Dr. Read chats with me for a sec (can't for the life of me remember what about, though!) and the other nurses & anesthesiologist chat and comfort me and then it's time to go night-night.

I sorta remember recovery, but not much. Just PAIN. Which they promptly helped me with and I was out again (but not before I was grateful!).

I start really remembering things later that afternoon in my room. Lo and behold, I ended up with a private room. WOW! I was so thrilled. There were flowers in my room, and my Mom & Dad and Lisa were there. I could hear my parents & Lisa (my angel, who didn't hardly leave my side) chatting and it was very comforting to me. I think Trudy was there, too, but I can't remember. I know she stayed through recovery sitting with Don (bless her, my other angel) and I am so grateful to her. I had many visitors and many, many well wishes. And the flowers just kept coming. :-) I am so lucky to have so many wonderful and beautiful friends. I love you all so very much! I can't begin to tell you what your support, calls, notes, & flowers has meant to me. I cherish each and every one of you!! I dozed in and out most of the day. I remember later in the evening, it was just Don, Kristoher, and I. Don was sitting next to the bed working on homework with is feet on the bed, just being close. Kris was on the other side watching TV or playing a game, or something. Anyway, it was such a peaceful, restful family moment. It is burned into my memory. It was a wonderful feeling. Oh, earlier that day, they kept my 02 monitored and saw that it kept falling. So I had to wear my CPAP nonstop almost the whole time I was there. They didn't like my oxygen falling like that! I think that scared people the most, was seeing that on my face. How embarrassing! *blush*

That night was hard to sleep as they take your stats all night long. They even took blood at 4:00am! But all the people taking care of me were super friendly and did what they could to help. The pain meds didn't work as well as I would have liked them to, so they gave me shots of meds and that helped. The button pushing contraption that helps with pain? Yeah, didn't really work for me. It was the shots that helped the most. So when everyone talks about the pain button, I think I'll roll my eyes from now on. I don't think anyone actually believed me that it didn't work very well, but oh well. I wasn't in the hospital long enough for it to matter, I guess.

The second day was filled with visitors after I woke up a bit around noon. I saw I had new flowers and a note from my friend Pamela who had this surgery a year or so ago, and I was so bummed I missed her! She didn't want to wake me up, the sweetheart. I'm sorry I slept! I had some friends from work visit, and more friends and family, and I had visitors until 7:30 that night! It was so amazing and I was so very touched, and so very exhausted!! I fell right to sleep and slept the whole night! I woke up a few times when they had to do their checks, but I went right back out!

I missed a visit from Janet (bless her heart!) the next morning. Darn it!! I knew I wasn't a light sleeper, but this is getting ridiculous!! So more beautiful flowers and a card. I don't remember much about this day (Thursday) except it was the day I was going to be able to come home. My Mom & Dad came by and packed everything up for me, and I waited for Don to get out of classes & come and get me. Everything went very smooth. Then we gathered up and drove home. Oh MAN did I feel every bump and turn in the roads! Whew, I was happy to walk in the door! Don had everything set up for me in my chair.

I had visits every day from Dr. Read (the mornings) and Susan & Bobby later in the mornings. They all care so much about their patients. So while I was in pain and uncomfortable, I was always happy and grateful to see them. :-)

So I get home, and Don has the recliner all set up for me, with all my stuff (my diet & water mainly!) and pillows & a blankie, and I'm all set. Mom & Dad pick up my pain prescription (bless their hearts!) and they come over & Don & them set up my flowers & stuffies (the stuffed animals I got) on our sofa table. WOW, it filled it up!! It looks so freaking awesome. :-) I have the most wonderful friends and family...

Anyway, the first week was HARD. Not because of the pain (which there was plenty of; but not what you'd think. More on that in a bit) but because of the FOOD. Or lack thereof. Holy cow, it's shocking how pervasive food is. I mean, I was even dreaming about it for crying out loud!!! It's funny becasue in my dreams I would take this bit of something yummy (pizza was a fave. Mmmm.... Pizza.... ) and then completely PANIC because I wasn't supposed to eat anything. Isn't that crazy?? I only had that dream about 3 times, but it sure was weird! Anyway, not being able to eat a thing kind of messed with my head a bit that week. Then one evening, Don wanted me to have something different and he warmed me up some chicken broth. Oh man, talk about manna from heaven!!!! That was a wonderful change from plain 'ole water. I'm sure most of you know that I am (was) a huge water drinker. I always had a bottle of water with me, and was always drinking out of it. Let me tell ya, sipping water, and drinking it are 2 VASTLY different things!! I can only sip-sip-sip my water, and it becomes unappealing FAST when you're only sipping. I'm having a hard time getting enough water. Anyway, I started to expand from just water to herb tea (with only 1 tsp of sweetner (splenda) instead of 3 or 4 (sugar) like I used to do) and broth, and crystal light. That has helped a lot. I guess I was trying to tough it out and just drink water, but I want some FLAVOR!! So once I started expanding what I was drinking, that helped with the head hunger (I guess it's called.) Anyway, enough about the food, remember I was telling you about the pain? Well, it was hurting to breathe. One day on the weekend I woke up and it was BAD. It would get better throughout the day, but I was worried that one of my lungs was collapsing! So I called first thing Monday morning (6 days after my surgery) and asked a bunch of questions that I had written down, the pain with breathing being one of them. Susan said that the Dr. was in that day, and that she would talk to him about it and call me back. I get a call about an hour or so later, and they want to see me as soon as I could get in. (Not because they were worried I was going to collapse or anything, but because the nurse had an opening in the morning, but none that afternoon, and they really wanted to check me out.) So we jet on over there and get right it. She takes my O2 level (which is what I was worried about) and it is fine. Whew!!! Then she checks the rest of everything and I check out okay. She said the pain is from when they poked holes in my muscle that it irritated it the same way a broken rib irritates it. So the pain was muscle related. Another WHEW!!! So I have to practice more with my inspirator (or whatever it is), take my pain meds, and take it easy. Since I've done all that, I can feel it getting better, and am able to breathe easier as the days go by. But let me tell ya, I was worried! Oh, I almost forgot. I ended up getting a rash (which was a precursor to a bed sore! Eek!!) on my bum. How bad does *that* suck!! I can't lay on my stomach or side, and I can't stand all the time! That was a challenge to deal with! But it's healing nicely too, so I guess time for another WHEW!!! There were a few other things, but I'll spare ya'll the details. ;-) Suffice it to say that I am doing better. :-)

Now that I'm at week 2, I can have what they call 'full liquids' which includes cream of soups, pudding, cream of wheat, yogurt, etc. Which is a nice change. And I'm getting FLAVORS!! :-) It's so funny how important flavors are now. :-) I went to the store (ugh, that was hard! I was exhausted after only an hour of being gone! What's up with that?? I'm a girl, I should *never* tire of shopping! ) and got me some baby spoons and I fill up my 2oz container of yogurt (or whatever) set the timer for 20 minutes and try to make it last that long. So I have to put my spoon down between each bite. It's so weird to make myself take so long to eat such a tiny bit of food. But I've been doing pretty good. Once my 2oz is gone, I put it all away and go do something else. It's not like I'm hungry or anything, which is also very weird. I have to remember go to eat. (Like now, it's been too long...) Anyway, I got a call from Susan (the Bariatric Coordinator) and she asked me how I was doing and how the food is going down. I told her it's been great. I've had absolutely no nausea or vomiting. She asked me if I had pushed the amout of food I could eat, and I'm like no way! The thought of tearing up my insides scares me to death!! I'm not *about* to chances that! Plus, what's the point? I'm not hungry. She was pleased to hear that. I mean, if I'm going to tempt fate by stretching my pouch, it's not going to be cream of wheat that I'm going to stretch it with!!! The pain to breathe is definitely lessening. I'm having more suture pain than before. I was telling Don that the hammer strike on my toe (the pain I had while breathing) is healing, now I can feel the original pain. ;-) But it's more than manageable; just a nuisance, really. So far I am about to walk about a half a mile (haven't measured it exactly) and I do my Tai Chi (for about 10 minutes.) each day. Sometimes I'll go on 2 walks (which I would prefer) but I don't plan for that very well, so it doesn't always happen. I bought a rubber ball to keep my legs strengthened, and have 2 5 lbs weights to keep my arms toned. I need to develop a routine, but that will come with time. I want it to be something I can continue when I go back to work, so I'm working on making something for myself.

Well, I think that is about it. Long enough, huh? Holy cow. :-) I'll give a hug to anyone who makes it this far!!! Anyway, the main thing to take away from all this is that I am doing very well and am happily chugging along with all the steps I need to take. Everything is going well, and I am fine. :-) Take care everyone. Thanks for all your support, it means the WORLD to me!

Much love and {{{HUGS}}} (anyway; even if you cheated and skipped to the end!),

I'm writing an e-mail to all my friends & family updating them on the surgery. I will paste it here once I'm done. But it takes a while to write it all out, especially when I get tired from being on the computer. But I will get in another update, I promise! Thanks to ALL my friends and family. I am still getting calls and love from everyone, and I can't tell you how great that makes me feel! It will certainly speed up the healing process. :-) Love you!

Wow, I can't believe I'm on the other side now. Whew, what a journey! I am super tired, so I will probably only write for a bit, and keep updating as I get energy. Let me just say one thing... OWW!!! :-) Yep, it hurts! But not debilitating pain by any means. And I'm tired and nothing is comfortable. But I get up and stand and walk around and that actually feels pretty good. DH & I went outside on a walk this evening hand-in-hand. It was very sweet. I'm walking slow, but I know that will pick up. So I guess I am on my way. Wow, what a trip! Oh, I forgot to mention, I was able to have the Laproscopic RNY Gastic Bypass. I am so relieved!! Dr. Read said everything went very well, so I'm even more relieved! :-) Thank you so my wonderful surgeon!! What a compassionate, wonderful human being. (Do I sense some hero worship coming???) ;-)

To all my friends and family, I LOVE YOU!!! Everyone has been so incredibly wonderful and supportive. I couldn't have done this well if it wasn't for you all. All the beautiful flowers and cards, and visits and I just get teary eyed thinking about it all. What an amazing support system I have. I was never lonley in the hospital, I always had someone visiting me and keeping up my spirits. They would even stay as I dozed off and I would hear them talking to each other, and it was so soothing. {HUGS} to you all, so much!!

I am feeling a bit tired, so I'm going to go for now. I'll write more as I'm up to it. Take care everyone!!

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I last updated. Where does the time go??? Well, here I am at a week away. I have gone through so many emotional highs & lows. Not related to *having* the surgery, but related to thinking about *why* I am having the surgery, and how big I am, and how uncomfortable I am with my weight, and how others are seeing me. Stuff I never thought before. I mean, you either take me as I am, or screw you. Hehehe. Naw, just kidding. I just never let it affect the people I would meet and the friends I would make. Now I feel nervous meeting new people. Or I did, anyway. DH (DH = Dear Husband for those that don't know (and have been asking)) and I had quite a few heart to heart talks. He doesn't like me feeling bad about myself, and he encouraged me to go easier on the research. So I have backed away from the computer, and turned my mind away from how crappy I feel about myself. It still crops up from time to time, but I make myself think about other stuff. I just have a hard time functioning if I'm feeling so yucky! Anyway, doing that and DH being sooooo supportive and helping me to feel better has worked, and I am in a much better place than I was. Whew!! My heart really goes out to those who feel that way all the time. I know some of them, and I ache for them. I certainly can't do it!

We were talking about my surgery at work today, and I started getting a stomach ache! I guess I'm a tad bit nervous. Not so much afraid (nervous) that I'm going to die (too optimistic for that) but that I'm going to have horrible deblitating complications. I am going to follow the instructions TO THE LETTER. Man, I am taking no chances!

A good friend of mine offered to make me one of my last suppers. I am so, so, so touched!! Thank you so much Bill & Trudy!! You two are such good friends to me!!

A few days ago I sent out a message to everyone I knew telling them that I was having surgery and that I thought of them. One never knows what's going to happen, so I wanted all my friends and family to know that I think of them and they all mean so much to me (even if we don't write or communicat much, they are all in still in my heart and I think of them). I also pasted a link to my profile here. I have been so moved by the replies I've gotten. Many of them have told me that they even read my profile. Eek!!! :-) I *wanted* people to read it, but it still felt really weird knowing that my beautiful friends are reading all this in-depth information about me & what goes on in my head about how I feel about myself. Makes for strange typing (like right now!), that is for sure!! But I am an open book, so here ya go world! No, actually, I've gotten some amazing feedback from some of my friends telling me about the new insight they got from reading my profile. Wow, I was astounded. And so pleased. I just have the best support; I am so very lucky. I love you all so much!

Well okay, enough with the emotional stuff. :-) Hmm, I think that's all I have left. Just random thoughts from a week out from my surgery. I don't feel especially bad, and I don't feel super hyped up either. Just kind of calm, cool, and semi-collected. I still have a TON of stuff to do before hand! You know how it is when you leave for awhile. Everything has to be just so. I have to make sure all my stuff is done or passed off at work, I want everything in a 'good' state so I don't have to stress and think about it while I am recovering. So I guess I will overwhelm myself now! All laundry done, housework spotless, etc etc. Hah, who knew I was so anally retentive!! (No, don't answer that! )

Oh, I remember something I wanted to say. I went to support group on Saturday. That was so good. DH told me that it's a support group - so say what's been on my mind and get support! So I took his advice and talked about what my head has been doing to me, and I got so much support there! Thank you so much everyone! Someone even brought some clothes which I was able to have. They are about 8 sizes too small, but I *will* get into them. Then I can hand down my too big clothes. I am so glad she brought in some clothes; I was chatting with someone else after the meeting and didn't get a chance to thank her. So I'll do it here even though she probably will never read this! :-) Thanks so much!!

I get to see my girlfriend who had this surgery in March on Thursday. I'm so excited to see her!! She is so freaking awesome and has been so wonderful to me and given me such great advice. Lisa, I love ya girl!! She is doing one of my last suppers (okay, lunch :-) ) with me. Of course she'll have the protien, but I'm gonna have a tall cake! I'm not freaking out about the last supper thing or anything like that. I just want to hit Ruby Tuesday's one last time, and go to the Roadhouse Grill one last time. They have the BEST yeast rolls! Yum! And that's about it for last suppers and all that. I think about what I won't be having a little bit, but not too much. The way I figure it; I've had all I want for 20 years. I've had my last suppers!!

I sent a message to some of my friends at work who had this surgery asking for advice & all that, and I have gotten such wonderful responses from all of them. You guys are so great! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :-) :-) Hey, I thought I was done with all the emotional stuff! :-)

Okay, now I'm really done . Good night all. I imagine I will post more before my surgery.