anim8tor

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-3.4 pounds at 5th weigh in for a total of
14.6 pounds since August 23rd

It may not be as fast as a WLSer but I am pleased.  This, for me, is more about changing my eating habits for life and finally trying to deal with my food issues (binging, starvation, over exercising, etc).  I know that I could probably lose it faster if I were sticking to it really strict but I don't think it is realistic within my lifestyle so I am doing the best I can.

I'm thankful that I am sticking with it.

I get disgusted with people sometimes.  It seems to be happening more now, maybe as I am aging.  Sometimes it happens when I post something on a message board or when I am in a store and see someone looking at me.  It's just a sense of superiority in others, disapproval or other similar negative attitudes.  Of course, I realize that in most cases this is just my imagination, a projection of my own attitudes and about self worth.  Although, I do wonder how many of these are actually real situations and not a part of myself.

The way we think about ourselves has so much impact, I know that.  At the same time though it can be so difficult to change our thinking and our actions.  I've used many ways of coping with my "issues".  Right now I am dealing with food and avoidance.  I'm intimidated with a lot of tasks that I need to complete right now which is very stressful for me.  I've always had to finish something without stopping b/c I have a habit of not finishing things.  Most of the tasks I have right now cannot be accomplished in one straight shot.  I deal with the tasks by avoiding them.  I think that I would probably be using food as well if I weren't addressing that also.

I wonder what it would be like to not think about these things all the time. 

It's really difficult to post big numbers every week as quick as we'd all love to get the weight off.  I weighed in yesterday (at my official WI) and I was down 0.6 pound bringing my total to 8.4 pounds so far.  I've only been official weighing in now for 3 weeks so it's not too bad.  I'm not approaching it with that gung ho attitude that it all has to come off in 6 months.  It's not realistic and if I don't have balance I don't believe I will ever be able to keep it off.  That's hard for me b/c I tend to be very extremist and all or nothing about things.  I'm working on it.

This past weekend was a challenge.  Most of the time I was not following my program of planned eating.  I find that when I don't have plan I get a little sloppy.  Most of the things I ate were fairly reasonable but I know that I wasn't managing my portion sizes on some of the side dishes that I ate.  The things that I may have eaten a little too much of were things like turkey and green bean casserole (Bird's Eye frozen-I ate the whole box 2.5 servings but at least it wasn't as much damage as homemade).

On the positive side I have some non-scale victories (NSV) to share.  The fit on some of my clothes is changing.  Short sleeves are getting a bit looser and my jeans are getting a little saggy in the butt (I have a big one, so lots of weight to lose there).  I'm exercising at least 5 times/week and trying to get in a minimum of 7500 steps but shooting for at least 10000.  Some days I am able to get up to 125000 but that isn't as common as I wish, LOL.  My energy level is better and I think my sleep is improving also.

1.  My goals for this week are to drink more water.  I'm usually very good with my water but last week I was a little lax.

2.  I would like to make sure I get at least one salad in each day (another one I was lax on-the grocery store did not have lettuce for some reason and I was too lazy to go to the other store to get some)

3.  Journal and measure as much food as possible. 

4.  Get more dairy in.  I have trouble with yogurt.  The ones I've tried are either too sour or too sweet.  I need to find one that's just right.  Any suggestions?

5.  I would like to get to 12 pounds, but would feel accomplished if I got to 10 pounds.

Well, I haven't posted in about a week or so.  Things have been pretty good.  I write down my food and activity every day.  I take a small spiral notebook with me now and that way I write it down so I don't forget then log it in later.  I'm using a site called extrapounds.com  You can set up a blog and it has trackers for pretty much everything.  I like it b/c I can do it all there.  It's getting tougher for me to make time to visit the boards as often.  I'm really trying to get business up and running.  It's very close and very scary-I'm afraid of failure but I won't know unless I try.

I weigh-in on Thursday morning but I've lost 7.8 pounds so far.  That is in 2 weeks.  Much slower than a post op but I'm proud of my accomplishments nonetheless.  I've been exercising at least 5 days per week and being very mindful of what I eat.  I find I'm making more progress with my emotions dealing with them rather than stuffing them with food.  It isn't easy.  It's a difficult addiction to live with b/c you can't cut food out of your life completely.  Cold turkey won't work b/c I would just eat the whole darn bird!

My closet and storage is full of clothes in various sizes ranging from 30/32 down to 18/20 and even a few 14/16.  I've made a tentative decision to start listing the really nice stuff on ebay to make some money to make ends meet.  Between the weight loss and and exercising I'm managed to get back into size 26 jeans-the non stretchy ones.  I tried them on today, figuring that I wouldn't be able to zip them up.  They are a tiny bit snug but I could wear them if I had to.  I will wait until they are a bit looser, but I must admit they are very heavy.  I've gotten so used to wearing loose fitting capri pants with elastic waist and larger jeans with a little stretch to them.  There are a lot of people who are able to visualize themselves significantly smaller and that helps them.  I'm just working on the next size down.  I can't handle dealing with thinking of a goal weight.  I think it would sabotage it for me.  Different things work for different people though.

I guess I will leave it at that for now.  If anyone does read this and is interested, you can check out my blog at www.extrapounds.com/blog/anim8tor

This is something I have never quite understood.  There's more than one way to do something yet people insist on looking down at some who choose a different path that might be working for them.  When I was a kid some of my family was like that.  They would always ask me why I did something the way I did and tell me I should have done this or that.

Maybe it is just that I share too much.  I don't really care what people think to a point that I would let it affect my actions or the way I think about myself any more, but it used to.  And, it bothers me that there are others out there that are probably the way I was ten years ago.  I still second guess myself a lot, but I've gone through enough (therapy) now to establish and equilibrium about it.  There are a lot of people who need someone to talk to and need advice or points of view and I would hate to see someone miss out on something that might work for them b/c 5 other people are doing something else and feel the need to bash another option.  I've seen it happen with something as simple as video game consoles, computers or automobiles so it doesn't surprise me really to see it with diets.  I just think it would be more useful to support someone and provide information on their own good experiences with whatever they've dealt with.

Maybe it's just human nature.  I think it's really sad.

Well, today is better.  I know I worked it hard this past week and that eventually the numbers will go so I am really trying to focus on the NSV (non scale victories).

I noticed that I am getting closer to the mindset that I was at when I was successful with weight loss a few years ago.  Back then I was on auto pilot.  I was able to go to a restaurant and make healthier choices and not feel deprived.  Food was fuel and I made conscious choices when I wanted a treat.  It's a compromise and needs to made up for somewhere, which is healthier eating all the time.  I'm not sure what triggered me to slowly fall out of that groove I was in and that is what I have to watch out for.  I've seen it happen with people I know that are alcoholics.  They get comfortable and the old habits come back.  I guess I will always have to be very aware of that and I am working on a system for myself to check-in periodically and catch myself when I start slipping back into those old habits.

I'm getting around much easier, things don't hurt as much and I feel better in my own head which is a very big deal.  My head can be a very scary place sometimes.  I have OCD (and panic/anxiety disorder, depression-the usual stuff) and I obsess about a lot of things.  I have little ones like the car alarm, taking a shower and other misc things but I also have some bigger ones that involve money, food and my skin.  I've noticed that I am not obsessing as much about food and skin right now.  I'm hoping this is an indicator of progress in the area of my well being.  We'll see.

It definitely feels like it's been longer than a week that I have been on a program.  I think my head needed a little breather to get back on track.  My resolve is a lot stronger, but I see that I really need to focus on myself and getting back on track.

The scale at JC basically chucked me the bird today.  A big old "F YOU!".  Get this.  I had my first weigh in today having been on the diet for my first week and, are you ready?!  Drum roll please.....

.8


I figured it deserved a line all by itself since it's so... so... so... stunning.  Am I disgusted?  Um, yeah.  Am I disappointed?  Of course.  Is that at all encouraging?  Hmm.  No.  Not really, but what can I do about it.  It is what it is.  Does it represent all of my hard work?  Seriously doubt.  I worked my a** off all week for that .8 loss and I better not find it again that is for sure.  I'm sure a lot of people could judge me and say that I wasn't faithful to the program and that I must not have done everything I said or whatever, but the only one I am really accountable to is myself so really it doesn't matter. 

It sucks for a lot of reasons.  I know I lost weight b/c I have gotten on the scale a few times in the past week and I was don't quite a bit.  T.O.M. was here and finished so even at that I knew I should have lost something.  Yeah a whopper of a pound.  Oh, wait it wasn't quite a pound it was .8 of a pound.  FREAKIN' SUPER!!!! 

Well, I'm not going to make excuses for myself.  It will eventually go down at some point.

I have my first weigh-in tomorrow and I am mighty nervous.  Which is pretty interesting considering I wasn't really nervous for my consultation, technically that was my FIRST weigh-in but this is the first important one to me.  I hope it goes well but I am going to do my best not to beat myself up over it. 

Well, I have decided to try something different.  I know that I am going to have to follow a weight loss program for a while before I get to maintenance.  I don't want to deprive myself and totally derail so I've decided that compromises are in order rather than cheats.  If I am going to eat something off of my program then I have to accept the consequences of doing a bit more exercise, substituting healthier options elsewhere, etc. 

This weekend was tough b/c I had just started a new program but it was also TOM so I had lots of food related urges and was hungry most of the time, LOL.  I managed ok, but on Sunday I decided to have a jelly donut and 10 junior mints.  I made up for most of it by cutting back on some of my starches for the day and some fat, but I also made a vow that I would do a workout tape on Monday.

Well Monday is here and I am on the other side of that workout.  I hadn't done any workout tapes in about 3 months.  We got 2 puppies in May and when I was walking them when we first got them I hurt my knee ( a recurring injury)  So the only working out I have been doing is major housework, laundry, chasing after puppies and walking them.  It's actually more laborious than it sounds, but I still fee like I need to get regular workouts in to reduce stress and maintain a routine.  Anyway, I decided that to make up for the donut yesterday I would do the 40 minute tape instead of the 20 I was going to do to ease back into things.  Boy, it was more difficult in some ways than I thought it would be.  I could easily do that entire workout plus another 6 months ago.  That was shocking to me b/c I have still been walking the puppies (the always want to run) and I don't weigh much different than I did then.  I'm sure that some of my muscle decreased and that I probably added a little more fat in there too.  I was just glad to get through it.  I modified some moves to favor my knee which is still not 100% but I am pleased that I made the effort and got through it.

I started my JC program yesterday.  Unfortunately, T.O.M. also decided to visit so my emotions have been getting the best of me.  A lot happened over the course of one day.  I didn't make time to exercise although I was quite busy with laundry and puppies and work today, but I would have liked to really do a workout and it might have helped with my emotional state but sometimes life does get in the way.

At night I had a tough time.  I wanted to cry a lot.  I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out why I was so upset and came to the conclusion that it is probably a combination of things.  While I am glad to start moving in a positive direction, I have to start facing the things that are holding me back.  It is much deeper than food because I am addicted to food and use it to avoid dealing with my feelings.  Hopefully taking away the coping mechanism I am using (food) to deal with it will actually force me in the direction of addressing those issues. 

In a way it is saying good bye to a best friend so there is a grieving process as well.  It's going to be tough but I know that I'll get through and be a stronger person for it.