anim8tor

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Things have been so up and down over the last month.  I've just been dealing with a lot of stuff.  My husband started his new job almost a month ago and, hopefully, he's now back on track for a while .  The deal was that I was not going to get back into advertising when I lost my job and was going to start a business.  We lost our jobs within a month of each other and as time went by it got tougher and tougher so I started looking for working and letting the business startup be a part time thing.  It's only really now starting to come together and I'm hoping it will just keep getting better.

I really knew that I needed to focus on myself and repairing all of this damage I have done to myself.  Not eating right, gaining weight, obsessive behavior, anxiety, etc. has all worked against me to put me in this hole that I am slowly digging out of and I know that surgery itself will not fix that part-that is all in my head and would have to be dealt with no matter what I did.

I decided to do Jenny Craig and see if it would work for me.  I was able to get a discount through my Cobra that was just running out and it has a rewards membership which saves money as you go through the program.  It was really difficult for me to justify the expense but I knew I had to do something and that I would ultimately spend money on health care if I don't lose weight so I knew it was worth a shot.  My life is so full of decisions right now with the new business venture, working from home, taking care of 2 puppies, all of the household stuff for 4 adults that I needed something where I had a lot of structure and fewer decisions.  Weight Watchers is a great program and I will probably use that to maintain in the grand scheme of things, but I needed structure to start out.  WW gave me too many opportunities to make choices and I knew damn well that I would stray more on that right now.

Well, today is my start date of the program and so far, so good.  Not hungry yet!  I actually haven't figured out how to get all of this food in but I'm sure I will get the hang of it.  My body may even go into shock from all of the healthier foods I will be filling it with.  LOL

This is really difficult for me.  I have visited here since 2005 and put off getting involved because I haven't wanted to get my hopes up.  It sounds insane to not get involved when you want something.  I've just spent a great deal of my life not being a priority.  I was brought up to think of others and I've done that for so long I often forgot about myself.  Sad but true. 

I try not to feel sorry for myself.  I take ownership for what has happened to my weight because, really, I only have myself to blame.  Unfortunately, it has now gotten to a point where it is beyond my control and I need help.  That is the frustrating part.  I'm not used to asking for help and now that I have to and can't get help, I'm stuck.

My husband was finally able to land a great job and I hope that it works out for him.  He really deserves it.  It's been very tough emotionally, financially, etc and I want this to work out for him. 

He'll have insurance after 3 months and I am really hoping that it might cover WLS but I know it's a long shot.  That is why am so reluctant to get involved here.  I don't want to get my hopes up because I just can't afford to do self pay because of our financial situation.  I also know that if I were to self pay and have complications that I would also be financially responsible for that.  I can't afford that risk so, for now, I am going to have to just try to keep walking the dogs in my long jeans in the hot summer and hope I get an opportunity to have the surgery as a valuable tool to weight loss. 

I'm going to keep trying to lose weight on my own for now.  I know that weighing over 300lbs and trying to lose half of my weight and keep it off is a long shot.  All I can do is try and hope something good happens.