Kelly T.

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The last 5 months have been extremely difficult for me.  I have to be honest and say that I have made some pretty serious mistakes at work (which I was let go from in December) after 12 years working there.  I have been hiding from this website since then.  I am so ashamed!!!!  I was missing alot of work for one thing or another and I was really embarrassed about the time that I was out.  SOOOO, in a rash decision I changed my attendance records (had that privilege in payroll) and got fired.  I absolutely deserved to be fired.  I wish that I wouldn't have done it but I felt so guilty once I did that I ended up telling my supervisor that I did it.  The odd thing is that no one said anything about me being investigated yet I knew what was going on.  It was really bizarre. 

Since having this surgery I have really had to deal with the issues that probably caused me to need this surgery in the first place.  My husband had an emotional affair in 2004/2005 and I have never recovered from it.  He had met a girl at school and I thought they were just friends but it turned out that he was seriously attracted to her.  After some serious fighting and emotional turmoil I found some e-mails that justified my feelings.  He had written some pretty awful things (very sexual) and I think I buried all those feelings.  I stayed with him because I had two babies at the time and I didn't want to do that to them.  

Also, growing up I was raised by my aunt and my dad.  Some things happened between my mom and dad when I was very little and when I was two we moved in with my aunt.  She has been absolutely wonderful to me.  However, as I grew up I would receive calls from my mother that she would do this or that or was coming to see me and she never followed through.  Pretty soon I stopped believing in peopleI and figured I could only depend on myself.  When I was 22 I found out that my mother had committed suicide.  I have to say that it was very difficult even though we didn't have a close relationship (or any relationship for that matter).  Now that I am a mother I miss her because I would love for my boys to have met her at least once.  I feel bad for her because as far as I know she had a hard life.  She was married 6 times and had 4 babies 10 months apart and lost the oldest one and youngest one.  Her father was driving drunk and killed himself and another person.  As I look back now, I can't imagine how she survived as long as she did.

Many times I have considered suicide because life somedays just isn't worth it.  However, I look at my two boys and I don't want to do that to them.  I love them with all my heart and they deserve the best.  However, am I the best one for them?  MAYBE OR MAYBE NOT!!  But I'm not going to do that to them.

I just wanted to post this message to see if it helped relieve alot of the pain that I have been feeling and haven't been really able to deal with.  Rest assured I am seeing a therapist and have an appt. this Friday for a medication check.  Hopefully, I can get back on track and find the life that is worth living.....

I got on the scale this morning and I weigh 145.  I have a normal BMI.  I just can't believe it!

I went to a doctor's appointment on Monday and guess what.... the nurse  took the 'big girl' blood pressure cuff off to put on the "normal" one.

Ok, I honestly did not expect this to be rainbows and lollipops but I didn't think it would be this hard for me.  I thought I was so prepared after the 6 months of classes through Kaiser, support groups, and utilizing this web site.  I really thought I was going to be the one that just breezed through this with little difficulty and stayed skinny forever.  Ok, my almost 4 month reality check......  I have lost 86 pounds but I am fighting for them.  I want to eat all day long and everything that I did before.  I have started running and I fight with my head constantly that I can't eat.  Sometimes my head wins and I eat more than I should or things that I shouldn't even touch and on occasion I throw them up because I've eaten too much or I've eating somthing that I feel guilty about.  I am going to make an appointment with Kaiser and I'm going to stop hiding in the shadows on this site.  I need to own up to what I am doing and stop it before it becomes my eating habits.  I need to be in control of this disease and live the life that I wanted this surgery for.  To be the best mom and wife that I can.  Starting this destructive pattern is not ok and I will not allow myself to continue this behavior.  I need counseling and help with this depression.  I need to get in control!!!!

I am so short on time and patience these days.  Work is just awful and I can't get on this site anymore during the day and by the time I get home, I definitely don't have time to get on the computer.  Between homework, dinner, baths, soccer and whatever else comes up, there is just no time left.  

I miss all of you and what you have become to me.  You are more than a support system but I consider alot of you friends.  Hopefully the madness will die down soon and I'll be able to get back to my life too.  

Overall, I am doing well but I find myself really craving sweets (always been my problem) and unfortunately, I don't dump.  I am doing pretty well resisting but some days are better than others.  I try to have sugar free popsicles, jello and puddings.  I certainly don't want to sabotage all that I have worked for this past year.  This is why having a strong support system is so important. 

This is an amazing ride I'm on.  I cannot believe how quickly the weight is coming off.  I've met a few of my goals and I am so excited about that.  I went to Chapparel yesterday and I got into girl riding gear.  I was thrilled!  I also have found some of my bones.  I haven't seen them in a long time.  I am going shopping today because I have 1 pair of pants (did I mention they're getting too big )  It's getting chilly and my 1 pair of shorts just aren't going to cut it. 

Holy crap, can that be true?  I still am having a hard time wrapping my head around it.  I am wearing the pants today and they really fit.  Me, in a size 12??? That's a big wow moment. 

I can't believe that it's already been a month since I've had my surgery.  I keep getting disappointed because the scale isn't moving as fast as I would like.  

With that said, I have lost 24 pounds in the first month.  I'm glad to see it gone but the reality is, I want to wake up skinny!  It's silly I know!  When have I been able to lose 24 pounds and not actually starve to do it?  I am thrilled that I had the surgery but I just can't wait to see more weight come off.  Ok, the stupid thing is I've lost 57 pounds since March.  I've gone from a 20/22 to a 14/XL.

Is there no satisying me???  COUNSELING PERHAPS????

Boy, just when you think you're prepared and have learned all that you think you can - you never know enough.  I know I have to chew my food slowly, that is a hard habit to learn.  I know I have to sip my water but I get thirsty and drink too fast.  I need to go back to basics and realize I am only 4 weeks post op and can't eat meatloaf, shrimp and all that kind of stuff just yet.  What is wrong with me???  I literally make myself sick and I am ashamed of myself.

I am very happy that I had this surgery.  In just two short weeks I can see such a dramatic difference in my face.  It is actually thinning out.  I am now at 186 pounds (still heavy but alot better than 235).  Every once in a while I crave something sweet but overall I am doing terrific.  I have been able to cook (feed) my family since I got home and the smells and food that they are eating don't bother me.  I am so thankful for that.  I haven't been nauseous or vomited and so far the food has gone down well.  My family is settling in to my eating habits and my 7 year old is asking me if I've taken my protein or if I need water.  He's so sweet.  My 5 year old just wants to show everyone the cuts on my stomach.  I am getting happy! Imagine that.....