CatahoulaLover
100lbs down but not really celebrating...
Nov 09, 2012
So as you may know I've lost my first 100lbs in 4 months. That's combining the pre surgical loss of 26 pounds and the post surgical loss of 74 lbs. And today I'm actually 105lbs down because I've started losing again. Most people I tell will go WOW you must be so proud/happy/excited etc. But really I'm not. I just look at it as another number. I mean I know I've lost 105lbs and that's a huge number but then I realize looking at it that I have 168lbs to reach my goal. I suppose I should be celebrating the first 100 but it just makes it seem that much further realizing that I have over 100 more to lose. I guess I expected more of a change if I lost 100lbs. Like suddenly I wouldn't look as fat or something. Unrealistic I know because I was 452lbs. Of course I'm still going to look fat, I was and am still very very fat.
And sometimes it's even worse because when I look in the mirror I don't see any real changes. But those around me have mentioned it and say they see a huge difference. Friends and family all say that I look great. Now I know I've lost the weight because my clothes are falling off and I can do things easier. I even kind of jogged across the street the other day and up a hill to the transit center and didn't keel over. But somehow the fat cells are blocking my retinas because I'm still seeing the same fat person that was in that mirror at 452lbs. Maybe that's a good thing because it keeps me on track and working harder.
So I'm not really celebrating although I am more optimistic that I have less to lose now but at the same time that journey still seems so long and the destination isn't even on the horizon. Somehow that blinking light at the end seems like it's moving further away, even though I know it's not.
And to be honest it's sometimes disheartening to go on OH in the other forums and see people who have lost the 100lbs and they are all close to goal after a few months or a year and only have 10 or 20lbs to lose. I'm happy for them but then I think about the work I put into losing the first 100 and yet there's no real tangible reward in my eyes.
Anyway that's just my thoughts today. Sunday is my birthday and I turn 38. I've only 2 years left to meet my goal of being in good health and good shape by the time I'm 40.
