Can't Sleep

Mar 19, 2009

    

So it's one of those nights where I just can't seem to fall asleep.  I wrote in my journal but then felt like I really need to share it with someone, but who to share with when it is 11:45pm.  So I thought I would type in my journal entry in here, then someone will see it and at least I know I shared, and if that makes me feel better, than good.......

So here is part of my journal entry....

I can't do this anymore.  I can't keep lying ( telling people I am fine when I am really not or pretending I'm fine in front of others) I feel like I'm breaking apart and I can't stay together.  I need more help.  But I'm too afraid to say anything.  I really just want to curl up and die.  I really feel like pulling my money out of retirement, it's the only way to survive financially.  I can't do this with no money.  I found a babysitting job on the Internet for a day a week, it could work if I could keep myself out of the hospital.  But I don't know.  I don't know what I need.  I need help that's all I know.  I need to get rid of all the pain and I can't it's too hard.  Maybe that's why I caused pain in order to release the pain inside of me.  I have tried  praying, I've tried doing nothing.  I just wish I could have my dad back.  I wish there was someone to hold me when I feel like I do now.  I wish someone would tell me things are going to be alright (even when I wont believe it)  I try to tell myself that but it's hard, so  hard.  I feel so alone.  Nobody I know right now knows exactly what I'm dealing with (well no one but God).  Some people have experienced parts of what I'm trying to deal with, but not the whole thing.  I hate putting my problems on other people, it's so hard.  I cant stand this life anymore, I want out.  I'm tired of being given more than I can handle.  This is what I feel like (I drew a broken puzzle with pieces missing)  a puzzle with pieces missing.  I feel broken and unfixable.  What's the point of trying any more.  I'm done with trying, I'm done with trying to deal with the pain, I'm just plain tied.  I think my safety contract is the only thing keeping me alive, I can't even say safe anymore.  I have the means to try again but I would be doing a disservice to so many people.  Plus I feel there must be a reason for me to be on this earth since I didn't die the 3 previous attempts and the last one I should have and wish I did.  I look back over my list of things that I think lead me to the 3 suicide attempts and so many still stick out: feeling worthless, hopelessness, not liking the person I am, feeling unloved, feeling like a failure.  These will only get better when I deal with some of the smaller things.  Things like: issues relating to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), anxiety, complications from surgery (almost done with this), my car (which is fixed for now), work, lack of friends, afraid of failure, not feeling like God is in my life (although this is changing) lack of motivation, problems with biological mom.  SO as much as I want to die, I don't think it's going to happen.  So I should start working on some of these issues one at a time.  I need to try to internalize things.  Like I have been told I am a wonderful and beautiful person, I need to feel that.  I know God loves me, I just need to believe it.  I should start liking myself as my weight goes down since I am now smaller than I was Sophomore year of high school.  I should keep these positives and make them work, but they don't.  Or I should think of a kid who every time he sees me he needs to inform one of his parents that I am there.  I should believe that means I am someone special.  But it's so hard.  It's so hard to see the light when your world seems to have so much darkness.  Maybe I should write a book.  Well at any rate.  With my safety contract being put in jeopardy for previous actions I will say that I am promising not to try and take my own life.  I would hurt too many people.



Well thanks for letting me share, now maybe I will sleep.

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