Loss

Aug 04, 2009

I have been thinking over several weeks about several things, mostly about loss in general.  When people think of having weight loss surgery they think of weight loss, and not about other losses that come along with it (sometimes).  Obviously for me more losses came along with it.  As much as in reality I have lost a part of me (physically) there is the emotional loss of me as well.  As much as I thought in february I hoped that things would be better by now, but a lot of the times I dont believe that any more.  Just when I think things are getting better something happens to bring me back down.  One of my aunts passed away last friday.  I was unable to visit her because I passed out and was in the ER that day.  I have learned that the family is not having any services for her, which is hard for me because I have been learning strategies for grieving but it's hard because they all involve saying "good-bye" in some form of the other.  I didnt get the chance to do this in any form.  I have stil be having problems with suicidal thoughts and for a long time have been thinking it's a sin to have these thoughts, but as I was reading a book about borderline personality disorder (which I have officially been diagnosed with) suicidal tendancies/self-harm is one of the major characteristics of BPD.  Which in a way makes me feel better, as I was reading this is something that people with BPD struggle with most of the time.  So now I know it's not me, it's in reality something I can't really control, but I can control the fact that I dont act on the thoughts (both self-harm and suicidal).  Also along with reading in this book, it has helped me understand why I can't seem to be able to hold a job, because even though my classroom was very structured I didnt have supportive administrators.  This is why I am starting my own business and luckily have the support of the ones I love to be able to do this.  SOme of this I count as a loss too, because I have loss my old way of life...the life of frustration with people who just didnt undersand me, and in some ways I didnt understand myself either.  I think I am starting to understand myself through reading this book.  (the name of the book is- I hate you! Dont Leave Me).  I can't guarantee that my business will be successful, I just know I can try and try my hardest.    Ever since my surgery and struggles following surgery I have been trying to put my life back together in a way that I can try to do things I enjoy.  I for some reason didnt believe that some of these things would be from going to church, since in December/January I gave up all hope on God and even up to a few weeks ago.  But things have just been coming together, there have things I have been praying about doing through the church, that have been asked of me.  I have interactions with people that have had surgery and even one who wanted to know about it because they are thinking about it.    So as much as I have had several "losses"  I am starting to come through each of them.  As much as I know I still have a long and hard road ahead of me I am starting to see some of the positives and how maybe I can help other people. 

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