Happy Easter..1 day late

Apr 13, 2009

I know it's a day late, but that's because I was busy yesterday and didn't get a chance to post.  I also don't tend to post as often lately.  It's been a "strange" few days.  I don't  know how else to describe it.  I really feel God is working in my life, that is one thing I know for sure.  I felt good Friday afternoon and evening.  Saturday morning felt good until my brother started one of his fights that he usually starts the day before any holiday.  But why Easter?  Or any holiday for that matter.  It upsets me when he gets angry, and especially screams at Connie, because this is her house and we should be lucky to live here.  So at any rate I left the house because I couldn't deal with the fighting.  This actually got me severally depressed to the point I was seriously thinking of suicide.  In fact I actually went and bought tyenol that I planned on taking to use to overdose with.  I knew there were several people I could have called, but I didnt care at that point.  I did drive out to where we scattered my dad's ashes and sat there for a few minutes in the parking lot, thinking about life in general.  It had not started raining yet and so I walked out to where we actually scattered his ashes into the ocean.  I had one of those conversations with him where I try to think of all the things I forgot to tell him while he was alive and how much I missed him, etc.  I then got in the car and had planned on taking the tylenol  (let me back track for a minute..on my way to the out to the parking lot I had gone threw a puddle and so my car was a little wet).  So I sat in the car once again thinking about life, and how I really couldnt end it because there is still so much I need to accomplish ,and that the few people who I know do care about me at this point can't really deal with another death in their life.  That I would really be hurting the people I care most about.  ANd I began to cry one of those cries you can't control and apologizing to God and my dad for feeling this way.  I once again asked God to take away my pain that I don't want to feel this way and that I want to get better.  And that I am sorry for what I have done in my life, and also apologized to my father.  As I was saying a few other things I noticed to drops of water trickling down my window.  I don't care what anyone thinks..but this is what I thought of it, my dad and God feel my pain and want to help.  Well I got out of the car and through the tylenol in the trash.  And drove home, later we took my nieces out, which reminded me one of the reasons why I am still alive.  then we got ready for Easter at the house.  Yesterday was just one of those days that I had a lot of emotions going on.  Went to church twice which was great, there are a lot of times lately that I thank God for my new church because I feel welcomed and loved by so many people.    I went home and Connie and I drove out to "visit" dad.  We both cried.  Then since we were both crying Connie told me a story.  One of my dad's brothers had heart surgery a few weeks ago, and almost didnt make it, well he told one of my aunt's a story that when he was in recovery he "saw" my dad and told him he wasn't ready to come yet, that he needed to be here.  Twice more when my uncle was fighting for life he saw my dad.  The last time he said my dad said "don't worry I will be waiting for you when your time comes, give everyone a hug for me"  right after that my uncle made a dramatic recovery.  At any rate we went home after "visiting" with dad, we had taken some pictures of the flowers we put in the water, etc.  This is when I noticed when I got home that the pictures were never really taken and that my digital camera is broken, which made me upset... at any rate a very emotional day...even while preparing stuff Connie and I had trouble.  But all in all I only had about 2 suicidal thoughts all day.  I have been averaging the past 2 weeks about 27 thoughts a day. ..... so that's why I say it was one of those day.....

Well all in all, I don't know if this website updates people on my goals achieved....I achieved one more this morning and that was to weigh less than 180..179 this morning.

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