Carolyn Lacy

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I just finished my August diet appointment and have one more to go!  Since it's the end of the month, I've scheduled my Sept. appointment for the day after Labor Day so I can get these last two appointments to Dr. P's office as soon as possible.  It should take 3-4 weeks after they submit the paperwork to the insurance company to get a decision.  I'm praying sooner!! I'm fairly confident that I'll get an approval first time out, but you never know.  I'm sooo ready for this to happen!! 

I scared myself silly with the sleep apnea thing because I woke up every 15 minutes (which doesn't improve my current mood) to make sure I was okay.  Talk about being ridiculous!  I was also worried it might exclude me from the surgery so I called Dr. P's office and spoke with Patty who told me it would actually help me get approved and not to worry too much about it.  She again re-verified that she did receive all 5 years of my medical history and that she just needs my August and Sept. diet reports and then she submits.  She said it takes 3-4 weeks so I want to schedule my Sept. appointment almost immediately... like Sept. 3rd or 4th because  I am hoping for an October surgery date. 

 I scheduled my next diet appointment for this coming Friday... one more after that!

 

Being a single parent for many years, I've freqently had to wear many hats and be both mother and father, as well as other things to other people- daughter, sister, and friend-- and let me tell you it's EXHAUSTING!  There are some days that I wish ANYONE but me would make a freakin decision on something!  Do you ever get so burnt out that a melt down is immenient?  I comfort myself by saying, "Hey you're past due for a melt down!", but of course I can't allow myself the luxury.  Do you doubt your decisions both past, present, and future?  Is sitting on the floor in a fetal position looking mighty good to you?  Or laying on your bed in a dark room with the covers pulled over your head more appealing than going out and facing the world?  Some people would say, "Buck up!" I've certainly been one of those people having repeated that exact phrase more than a hundred times to various people in my life.  I've been strong because I HAD to be strong and bore the heavy mantle of responsibility freely and with pride, but there are certain days in your life when you just don't have the strength to carry the extra burdens.  Sometimes adding one more straw will indeed break the camel's back (or emtionally burn the camel out in a firey pryre of pain! <- yes, I can't believe I wrote that either). 

So, am sitting here lameting my life situation and the stresses.  I recognize immediately that I am contribuing to these difficulties.  One of my greatest problems and vices has to do with control.  I get to a point that if I want something done right than I have to do it myself which gives others the opportunity to "dump and run".  I also have a problem with "guilt" so I don't delegate tasks that others could handle trying to "spare them".  I could sit here and lay down all my faults at the alter of "Life Sucks" but it does me no good.  It won't fix my situation or take away my burdens, it won't transport me to a happy new life, and it won't transform me into a goddess or anything else I wish for at the moment.  I just have to face the problem squarely and hope I come through them okay.  I remind myself that my life IS changing and I have to prepare myself for the opportunities that come my way WHEN they arrive.

Having said these uplifting words, can I still lay on my bed and pull the covers up over my head and take a time-out?

Today the sleep center called and gave me the results from the study.  They said I have severe sleep apnea and need to come in for a second night scheduled Sept. 6th and sleep with a breathing apparatus.  They also said I actually stopped breathing 26 times in the night which scared the hell out of me.  You don't know these things when you sleep and since I sleep alone, there's no one to alert me!  I just thought I snored a lot but nothing severe.  They also said my heart rate is good and I don't move around too much.  I hope Dr. P doesn't require anymore tests after this.  I just don't want anything else to pop up at the last moment and delay getting my paperwork in for the insurance. 

Watched another episode of BM and felt jealous it wasn't me on the table.  I felt for Jennifer because my obesity made me sterile as well and got pregnant only twice and no more.  I was lucky I had a boy and girl right a way and the circumstances in my life at that time weren't the most ideal to have more children anyway, though I love children. 

My office hours are back on "normal"  hours instead of the summer hours so am having to get used to it again so am a bit tired this night and plan to go to bed.  I hope I wake up!  Now, I'll be obsessing and worrying about it and maybe I should.

Still haven't heard from the job I applied for so am taking that as a "no" even though the job status states "in progress".  I'm very disappointed!  GRRR.

I called my b surgeon's office and they said they'd like for me to do the second part of the sleep study.  I didn't like the first part and felt 'displayed' and was getting weird vibes from Mr. Creepy Sleep Study Dude.  I just wanted to hurry up and sleep and get out of there as soon as possible whether I was tired or not.  I'm not looking forward to this next visit at all, but if it gets me closer to getting approved, then that's fine with me.

So out of the blue, my ex-husband and his new girlfriend show up on my door step yesterday... can you say AWKWARD??  Before that, I was vegging on the couch watching HGTV, wearing old shorts, and hadn't brushed my hair or teeth... so quite a picture.  I don't like unplanned visitors... grrr.  The last time I had seen my ex was last year which was too soon for me. 

So, anyway, when they came in I apologized for my appearance saying I looked crappy, to which he retorts, "Yes, you do!"  Wow... what a jerk.  So, I called the kids (to those who don't know- my kids are grown up- 21 and 19) and they crept out of the dark caves they refer to as their bedrooms (imagine if you will, a caveman and woman who hadn't seen the light of day yet because they'd slept in until nearly 1:00 p.m. from staying out late or staying up too late the night before) to behold, praise, and congratulate their dad on the new girlfriend.  The 'dad' who only sees them once or twice a year even though he lives about 45 minutes away.  So they sit and visit with their father while participating in the usual small talk and giving the conciliatory expected reactions.   He seems really up about his life and I'm happy he is but it almost seemed like bragging... look at me, I have a girlfriend and you're alone still.  So, he asks what's new and I tell him about my insurance approval journey for weightloss surgery.  He gives me this ugly look and says, "Oh, yeah, I'd heard of that from mamma... GASTRIC surgery" and laughs and smirks then says, "Whatever..."  and gives a sideways glance to his girlfriend who also smiles.  I felt mucho embarrassed and was po'ed at myself for even mentioning it to him.  He never liked that I was heavy and had some very hurtful things to say to me while we were married.

You know, I guess there are people in our lives that know what buttons to push and get off doing it.  Just when I think I've got a handle on my emotions, I allow this to upset me. 

Impatience and jealousy is what I'm feeling... not towards him but in the way his life is improving and he has someone to share it with!  When is it going to be my turn?  I suppose every wls patient piles their dreams on getting the surgery procedure hoping for an end to their existing problems, but rarely if EVER is that the case! I know that even after the surgery that I'll still need to find a better paying job, I will have to continue to make a healthy lifestyle (physically and emotionally) my priority and that requires effort and hard work.  I know my perfect soul mate will most likely NOT materialize out of thin air into my waiting arms.  I know my body will have some issues that need fixing if possible.  In short, I know my life will not magically transform on its own.  I am the Magician (a tarot reference) and have the power and tools to transform my own life so it all depends on how I use this new tool and the possible opportunities that will arise because of it. 

I find myself more reflective than usual as I work towards insurance approval.  I don't have a significant other to relate these feelings to so have to get through them best I can.  Six months or more is a long time to wait and I was NOT thrilled about doing so, especially since I'm an "I want it right now" kind of gal, but it's been a beneficial process for me to get through.  Am I sure I want this?  Have I educated myself about all the pros and cons, procedure, risks, the immense responsibility I will have to maintain my health?  Am I committed to exercising and a total change in lifestyle?  Am I prepared for whatever complications might arise a year or more after my operation?  In all humility I feel that I am.  I read these boards everyday and absorb the wisdom everyone has to offer and appreciate the hard work they've put in to get where they are.  We've all gone or are in the midst of a life changing process that will take us away from who we were and put us on the road to re-discovering ourselves and living more fulfilling lives.  The journey doesn't end just because we've met our number goal.  Our souls are ever changing and evolving... at least I feel that way. 

So this is my longest blog.  I'm sure there are more in store...lol.  Raise your glass for a toast to finding our personal bliss wherever and however we achieve it.  Here's to healthier lifestyles!  Here's to our families who have stood by us through thick and thin!  Here's to finding love and soul mate connections!  Here's to finding better jobs!  Here's to pursing our best destiny and happiness!  Here's to friends and those who provide the love and support we need to make it through another day... here's to you!

I did the Sleep Study and they said I do have sleep apnea and will need to go in for a second appointment.  I am hoping that all I needed was a diagnosis and won't have to go back for the second appointment which will be with a mask...grrr.  I didn't sleep very well at all being fully aware I was being watched and had wires and tapes all over pulling on me.  I didn't nod off until 4:00 a.m. so am a bit tired.  

Today I will spend time with my little Amelia.  Her parents are dear friends and I've been an unofficial aunt to her since she was born.  She's 4 years old now and  likes to still have fun doing silly things with me.

Not sure why, but my bariatric doc called the Sleep Clinic where I had my appointment and they wanted me to have the study done TONIGHT!  It's a good thing I wasn't busy!  I guess they are really stepping up things now that I'm getting close.  Curious though...lol. Oh, well... one less thing to get done!

So, I verified with Dr. P's office to see what they're received from my PCP and discovered they're missing quite a bit whether by human error or by machine, but I nipped it in the bud and asked my PCP to mail them the 5 year medical history.  P's office have my labs and 4 of my 6 month weight-loss logs.  Patty (P's office) said she's waiting on the last 2 months of the diet, and results of my sleep study and the she submits to insurance.

Dr. Patel got in touch with me remarkably fast and said that I do have to do a sleep study because those with BMI over 50 are required (at least by him).  I was impressed with his speedy reply and his office actually called me this morning as well.  I asked if they'd gotten my medical records from my PCP and they said they hadn't (??) so had those re-faxed.  I've very happy with my PCP and have gotten all kinds of support from them!    Things are moving along faster now and I'll be getting more nervous as it gets closer and closer, I'm sure.  Patel's office followed through and contacted the Sleep Ctr and so I have an appointment August 16th.  Away we go....