Carolyn Lacy

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It's August which means after this month I have one more month to go on this diet and then they submit my insurance.  I am praying for an approval first go-around... crossing my fingers and toes!  I've recently befriended an amazing young woman from work who is also undergoing the same process as I am with the same doctor.  I have a feeling she'll get a surgery date before I will.  I sent an email to my doctor and I hope I get a response faster from him this time.  I wanted to touch base with him... with anyone from his office to see if I'm on track and if there is anything else I need to be doing.  I basically feel out of the loop and forgotten.  I don't think I'm being too needy wanting to hear some reassurance from them.  I think they should touch base with their patients more often including those of us who are doing the 6 month diet.  I know they are overwhelmed with new patients but it's still their responsibility to maintain contact with us so we know what's going on in the approval process.  I left a message but no one called back.  I'll call again tomorrow and see if I get a real person.  If money wasn't a problem then I'd switch over to Dr. McDaniel in Victoria and pay the 'difference' because he's over 200 miles away from me, but since it is, I have to stay in-network.  Sigh.   My PCP is more excited for me than I am at this point. 

So finished month 4 of my 6 month medically supervised diet.  I lost nearly 20lbs but as I mentioned before, I'm not trying to lose the weight, I just want to learn to rethink food.  Since our office changed buildings, there are no elevators so I go up 3 flights of stairs several times a day and try to run my campus errands myself just for the exercise... and it's nice getting out of my little dorm room (my office now) to see the big wide world from time to time...lol.  Summer makes it easy to eat less because it's so hot and I don't feel like cooking much.  Our downfall is going out to eat more than we should, but that is easily remedied.  My PCP is happy with me for now and wants me to have labs re-drawn to check the iron levels again to see if there was improvement since I've been on the iron pills he prescribed.  August will be month 5 and Sept. will be month 6 and then I submit my paperwork and pray I get an approval.  Cross your fingers and toes!!

This month as been very stressful for me both professionally, personally, and financially.  Some days it feels as if things will never change and I'm stuck in a never-ending holding pattern.  I try to encourage myself to dream and visualize my life after the surgery and losing half my body size but I can never get past what happens immediately after the surgery!  I'm afraid to dream too big and then everything fall apart at the last minute. 

The mandatory 6 month PCP visit is a test of resolve for me and I have to remind myself if I want my life to change than I have to take the reins and not be passive anymore!  I can't remember what it's like to feel thin having never been before in my entire life, but I can remember being somewhat happy about my body during high school so I should grab on to that.  I was watching a show on TLC this weekend about this tall pretty woman from CA who dressed like she was still in high school and her wardrobe was all hoodies and denim and dreary bland colors because she felt unattractive and in a rut.  I was watching that thinking, "Man, if having bad clothes were my only problem than I'd be singing in the streets!".  Distorted body image... we all have it and some worse than others!  I can honestly say that I've NEVER liked my body at any time in my life.  When I was a baby I was fat, when I was a little girl I was chubby, in high school regularly obese, and as an adult very obese.  Obesity is a cycle I can't seem to break out of and it's so heartbreakingly frustrating to live this half-lived life!!  I remember vividly my mom making fun of my breast size (and size in general) and how I used to tape them down to reduce the size or wear bras that were so tight, they'd shove them up almost under my chin... pain?  What pain!  Now as an adult, I realize my breasts are not any larger than my younger sister's who wears a C cup the same as me (who is quite thin incidentally) and we got our breast size from my mom!  Pot calling the kettle black.  My body image has been my downfall for years but over the years, I've become a bit more realistic.  I know that I'll have excess skin problems probably under my arms, and upper thighs and for sure my tummy.  I know I will have to exercise constantly to keep tone up and it will be easier on my knees once some of the weight is gone.  Believe me, I'm very realistic about my situation and that's probably why I don't dream too much of how I'll look and feel and how my life will change.  I will just have to trust in God that He will present me with the things and people I need in order to have more of a successful life.  I just have to be patient and work my tool best that I can and educate myself on how to make it best work for me to achieve my weight loss goals.

 I decided that I really need to push myself out of this comfort zone and get on with my life because it sure stinks right now.  I deserve better pay though I know with it comes more responsibility and stress, but I feel ready to handle it.  There will be a lot of competition for the job I want.  I'm worried about my weight being a deciding factor, I'm worried about my transcript not being stellar, I'm worried about how good I'll fit in with a different group of people.  If I'm honest with myself, than I'll admit that I've out-grown where I'm at and it's time for a change.  I wish this position hadn't come up this soon and that when it did I'd be 100 lbs skinnier and more confident and have better clothes.   I'm worried I don't have what it takes, but I do have skills and can do more than I believe I can... I just have to believe in myself.

So, enough for today.  I've just had a lot of crap I've been carrying around lately and needed a place to spew.  I apologize to those that check my profile... this is just one bad day and tomorrow's a new day... right? 

I guess I just need a hug. 

I have 2 more months to go on this diet.  I haven't really tried to lose weight but have lost 10 lbs... good but not great.  I could lose a lot and still be within range for the surgery.  I've started watching "Big Medicine" and "Obesity Clinic" on TLC.  I got excited watching BM but the OC made me feel very depressed!  These poor people were immense and without surgery, in my opinion, they don't have a chance to lose enough weight before they die from a heart attack or other obesity related diseases.  It made me take a good look at myself and do an honesty check as well.  It will be up to me to combat the food demon after the honeymoon period after I have the surgery.  I'm trying to ready myself and get my head wrapped around everything... the changes both physically and psychologically will be extensive and I don't want to fail because I couldn't overcome my past "issues" with food and coping.  I get very worried about getting insurance approval as well because you never know!  I know how some of the patients on these shows feel about putting all their hopes and dreams in to getting this surgery only to have it snatched away from you.  Anyway, will see the PCP for my 4th visit sometime this week and see how that goes. 

DON'T QUIT

When you've eaten too much and you can't write it down,
And you feel like the biggest failure in town.
When you want to give up just because you gave in,
and forget all about being healthy and thin.
So What! You went over your points just a bit,
It's your next move that counts...So don't you quit!


It's a moment of truth, it's an attitude change.
It's learning the skills to get back in your range.
It's telling yourself, "You've done great up till now.
You can take on this challenge and beat it somehow."
It's part of your journey toward reaching your goal.
You're still gonna make it, just stay in control.


To stumble and fall is not a disgrace,
if you summon the will to get back in the race.
But, often the struggler's, when losing their grip,
Just throw in the towel and continue to slip.
And learn too late when the damage is done,
that the race wasn't over...they still could have won.


Lifestyle change can be awkward and slow,
but facing each challenge will help you grow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
the silver tint in a cloud of doubt.
When you're pushing to the brink, just refuse to submit,
If you bite it, you write it....But don't you quit!


~Author Unknown~


Click here to visit the website, Getting2Goal, where I found the poem.

I finished my 3rd month of my supervised diet.  I love my PA because he's almost as excited as I am that I'm trying to get my surgery approved!  He's so sweet and supportive.  They are documenting everything perfectly so far so that I'll be able to have a complete record to send to send to the insurance.

I got the results of all those labs I took and everything was very normal or negative in a good way but I'm quite anemic!  I was quite surprised by that especially since I don't have regular periods anymore and when I do get them they aren't too unmanageable, but every so often... wow... do I ever bleed!  My PA said that I've been anemic for awhile but no one's done tests on me until now to find out.  He's got me on this medication called Tandim which is iron plus a multi-vitamin.  I guess this explains why I'm tired all the time... I just thought it was because I was obese!  He also said my vitamin D levels were low.  I started taking GNC's Women's multivitamin but I guess I should take it twice a day.  They're hard to swallow... horse pills I call them!  He advised me to up my protein too to be ready for the surgey so I'll heal faster and my hair won't fall out as much (fingers crossed on that one!).  Hair loss is unavoidable I guess, but I don't want to have bald patches!!

Managed to lose 5 lbs this month but I think it's because the summer months are hot and I don't feel much like eating and also we're in the process of moving our office to a new location and the new building has a lot of stairs and no elevators!  I hate stairs.  I've been experiencing a slight pain in my left thigh and my doc thinks it's probably bursitis and not to worry too much. 

So a good appointment and have 3 more to go!  Hurry!!!!

We got word at work that one of our dear friends who was a retired professor, passed away from a massive coronary on Thursday afternoon 5/24/07.  He was very beloved by our department and we'll miss him very much.  :(  Today we all went to his funeral in Corpus at the CC Cathedral at 10:00 a.m. this morning.  It all seems kind of surreal still- as if he's still alive and this is some horrible joke.  As we were walking in, his daughter, Erin, told me he loved me very much and talked quite a bit about me.  I was touched!  I'm just the secretary of our little department, not a collague, so was surprised by those sweet words.  The service was well attended and well represented by our department and many of his friends.  It felt impersonal- there just wasn't enough of "him" in the service and it didn't allow anyone who knew him to stand up and say a few words about him.  It was just a regular Catholic mass... nothing extraordinaire, and TJ Barragy deserved the extraordinary!  The priest didn't even know how to say his name right- he pronounced it as bar-AGGY, instead of bear-uh-gee... sigh!  It takes a special person to teach history in the university to freshman for over 30 years.  We plan on giving him an Irish wake in a month or so when the faculty return from summer.

Sad.  I can't believe he's gone from us.  We already miss him and we love him dearly.

INNOVA's office manager and nutritionist called and answered my questions and I feel a bit better.  Basically, there's nothing I should be doing until the 6 mo diet is completed and then it takes 30 days after that to hear back from the insurance company.  There's always the possibility they might not approve it, but there's every possibility they will too.  I will just have to pray for approval the first go-around.  She told me not to worry about getting the labs done too fast that they'd do some of them again when I get a surgery date.  She told me I don't have to turn in my daily food journals- which is a relief since I haven't done them, and not to do the pre-op diet until they call me first.  I'm just impatient...  some have had to be on 12 month diets so I guess 6 months isn't too bad.  When you've been obese your entire life, any delay is miserable. 

I have sent off a couple emails to INNOVA asking them a couple questions and no answer.  I'm starting to take this a bit personally...lol!  Am I being too anal about the whole thing wanting to know if they got the documentation I sent or the labs I've completed?  I wish they had a website where you could log in a check your status and find answers to your questions, but I guess that would be too difficult- so many patients with all different types of insurance.   A surgery of this magnitude requires postive reinforcment and feedback every so often.  I wonder if I'll get approved, I wonder if they're even working on my insurance stuff at all?  I wonder if I did the labs too early- they didn't exactly tell me 'when' to have them done.  Do they have my medical records from the doctors yet?  Were my lab tests normal?  Should I be doing anything in particular right now other than just waiting?  I wonder if anyone else if having as much trouble as I am hearing from them.  Maybe I should just relax?  I'm just worried that if I don't stay on top of it I could miss doing something important that disqualified me or delays me from getting the surgery.  Big sigh....  I really need a hug and validation that all is on track with this.  I am putting so much effort into this because I know it will be the new life I'm desperately craving. 

I'm very frustrated and worried.  Sarah is too busy getting her stuff done for her impending graduation... her graduation... a whole other set of worries.. (pulling hair out).  I called her dad and asked for monetary help but it has yet to arrive.  Makes me angry because the expense of raising kids today far exceeds the paltry child support we receive.  I know he does the best he can, but it would be nice if he'd call and ask, but no... he's never been a hands-on dad and preferred to have as little contact with them as possible.  I have single-handedly raised both my kids alone while he "vacated' his life by use of drugs, alcohol or other ways.  I wish I could vacate my life sometimes... grrr.  When my oldest son graduated high school, his grandmother and his dad helped out monetarily but not for Sarah.  They ALWAYS drop the ball where she's concerned!  The've disappointed her in so many heart wrenching ways that it's staggering how she copes as well as she does.  I don't know where she gets the strength... I guess from me (I hope!).   I'm just tired of the financial and emtional stress (she says in a defeated voice).  Single parenting sucks but now there's little parenting involved because they're grown.  I'm ready for a change.  That's one reason I want that surgery so bad... to feel better about myself so I'll feel better living my life.  I pray that I'll find a partner out there someday too.  I've never known true love and I'm praying God has someone in mind.  

It's easy to think that once you lose all the weight your worries disappear.  I know they don't... a new set appears.  As I usually do, I was reading over profiles that gave me hope and someone mentioned something that struck home... she mentioned that everyone told her she had such a pretty face and wonderful personality but it was diminished because of all that weight.  Ring, ring, ring... yep, it had a ring of truth to it and it was exactly what I heard ALL my life.  I wonder if I'm pretty at all... that people said that to me just to make me feel as if I wasn't a total loser.  I have a lot self-confidence problems....lol!  I remind myself that once I get the surgery and lose weight than I'll face that when it comes and hopefully I'll be pleasantly surprised.  It's not what anyone says (though we still crave to hear it) but it's rather more how we see ourselves and what we SAY to ourselves.  If no one can give me positive reinforcement and validation I need than I need to look within and grab it for myself.

So, I feel as if I'm in a holding pattern... flying above and waiting for permission to land.  I decided to work on my letters to my PCP requesting his support and asking him to write a letter of recommendation to that effect to the insurance company, and I also got one for the insurance company ready as well.  I just feel as if I have to do SOMETHING!  I mailed the PCP letter and mailed the insurance letter to INNOVA so they will have it ready when they send off my stuff in September.  I hope I have the money for the co-pays and deductibles but I won't worry until I get a surgery date.  I sent my mom's Mom's Day card late because I left her addy at my office so put a little letter in it telling her my plans about this surgery.  I think that would be the greatest gift I could give her.  We think she has alzheimers or at the very least is severely senile and I want to hurry this along so she can "know" me and see the weight gone.  It makes me so sad... but that's a blog for another day, me thinks.

Off to bed for me.