Chasity

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Please Please Please let spring be right around the corner!! I went for a walk with my dog the other day, and boy o boy am I in need of my walks!! I felt like i was just starting out all over agian.. But soon, hopefully I will be back on track.. I still do my home workouts, so i wasnt thinking it was going to be this bad, and I am sure I am making it out to be worse than what it should be, it just kicked my butt!!

my friend Miranda is having her surgery today, by Dr. O, same as me.. And in 3 days it will be my 2 year anniversary!! Cant believe it!! But I still would like to lose 30 lbs more, I have done nothing but gain since being put on a certain medication, and its struggle to just get that weight off let alone anything else.

but wishing and praying Miranda a safe surgery, and happy recovery!! Let your journey be a great one!!

 Its been one week since I started a new way of eating..my councler told me of a website that you can count ur cals. or just write out everything you had to eat for the day, and tracks your water, well I have been eating healthy, and drinking my water and doing my tae bo, so I feel great! I dont know if i have lost, i dont have a scale, so i wont know till next month when i go back to the docs to weight in, but i feel good and not craving all the junk so thats a big ol bonus right there.. I am not worried about thanksgiving, I am going to eat what I want just not over do it..  I have made it habit to not let others do for me, as in "get me a water," or "can u do the dishes tonight?" instead I am the one who offers to get p off my ass and do it not only for myself but if anyone needs anything along the way.. why do i do this, b/c its getting me off my rear, and making me that one step more active, and the of coarse burning a few cals along the way.. I am not on a diet, I have for the first time, including since surgery, learning a new way to live with food and excercise.. I like the food i eat, I like feeling this good.. i cant say I always like my work outs but after i do them i feel on top of the world.. and i just ordered the biggest loser work out dvds so i am excited for those to come in, something new.. tae bo is a good work out just borning after doing it everyday all week.. i need to mix it up..

 but yea
- a new attitude makes life all the more enjoyable..

Today is a better day.. I have for the past 3 days done very well with watching my cal. intake and what not.. I even followed through with tae bo each morning, gets me motivated for the day.. so today, I feel sore b/c i have a few muscles that were not being moved much, now they know it!! =)  I cant stop thinking about food tho, I want to eat non stop, its all mental for me right now, i am just struggling mentally and i need to focus on something else.. once i break the habit of just eating b/c i am bored I know things will get easier.. one day at a time, and now we are on day 3.. =) until next time..

I have gain 10 lbs. back and it really has knocked the wind outta me.. its so embarrassing! I dont want to be the fat chick anymore! About 5 months ago my panic and anxiety meds where switched, to one that is supposed to help u lose weight, well not for me that has been the start of this 10 pound gain. In March I will be 2 yrs out, I thought we were supposed to still be losing, not gaining.. I have started watching myself and I know I over do carbs, so I am trying to watch those, to cut them out is just not something I know I'd stick to.. I exercise, everyday! However, I think my body is used to the walks, and the odd and end things i do, so I started a Tae Bo work out, hopefully this becomes habit!
                               !!!!!!!______BLAH_____!!!!!!!! 

 I hear things like, "Chasity, You look good, you cant even tell you gained" and things like "so and so had that surgery and she looks sick she is so skinny".. wellll... maybe they cant tell but I CAN, 10 lbs is 10 LBS! and as far as hearing someone else has lost so much that they look ill and i am struggling just to hit goal doesnt make me feel better, it makes me feel like I have failed. which I know, my brain does understand I havent failed b/c I have dropped over 100lbs.. however my ego is struggling with this!

ANYWAYS.. Today is a new day, and I will increase my water, lower my carbs, and sugar.. and do tae bo..

 I am stuck! And it sucks! I am at the point where I have to do all the work to get these last lbs gone.. Have you reached a goal and then you beat yourself up b/c there is a bigger goal you wanted to reach.. I am so proud of how far I have come dont get me wrong, and most ppl when i do dare talk about this tell me how far I've come and that i should be proud.. I am but that doesnt change that I still have weight to lose and this last stretch is kicking my a$$.. I am walking and working my body, I am exhausted by the time bed time rolls around, and yet the scale stands still.. I have also been able to eat more "junk" and I HATE IT, but that doesnt stop me from eating it! I stopped going to the YMCA b/c I no longer have a way to get there, so I have been playing outside n doing major housework, but still nothing, and its soooo sucks! I've been told, now that the nice weather is here and I will be outside all my "bored" snacking and picking will stop and I willbe more active b/c I will be outside, I sure hope so.. Grr.. so this is just me venting.. but I am proud of how far I've come and I wouldnt change it for the world.. I just needed a poor me vent, and a way to get my anger out of my head so i can kick my own butt into gear..

 Last year at this time I was lying in the pre-op room being prepped for surgery at this time. I remember being so scared and wishing that it was a year later and the hard work would be behind me. What I have come to see is the hard work isnt really behind me, however the time to get from that moment to this one seemed to come in the blink of an eye. So much has changed from then and now, yet I feel I have a bit farther to go. I have learned to be myself and accept who I am as a person. I dont have to be the one who is always smiling and always the one who is sorry when i have no reason to be. I have learned that I USED to carry others problems on as my own. I thought I was the one who was wrong or I was the one who needed to be there, now I see,  I deserve ppl to take responsibility for themselves and even I deserve for others to be there for me. Its funny how the ppl I thought would distance themselves from me after I began to lose weight, they are the ones who have been my biggest support system, and the ones I thought would be there reaching out to help me havent been. You change as you go through this process and sometimes its hard for the ppl that have known you your entire life to see the new person you become. I hate being compared to, however I have come to see that is not me so I need not carry that on my shoulders. Today is an emotional day,  I am so proud of how far I have come, yet to look back and see all that has changed and all that is changing is emotional for me. I have lost a whole other person, a total of 120lbs gone forever.  I am excited about life again and for that every tear is worth it. I love to play with my boys, I look forward to summer, and being out on the boat.. Just living life is fun, and I dont take it for granted, not for a second.. Thank You to those who have stood by me through all the hard times in this past year.. without you I would never have been able to come so far.. 

Much Love, 
Chasity

Well I though I would just drop in a little update.. I was stuck without losing weight for 2 months now, and for the most part I was ok with it, I thought well look how far I have come, I should just be happy with what I have lost and thats that, well I changed up my eating along with being sick this past week and it seems I have kicked back into the losing mode.. I am at 163, 13lbs from my over all goal.. I keep hearing how I shouldnt get down to 150 that I would look sick, and what not.. I am happy at the size I am now, but I really can not remember ever being 150, and in almost a years time I have been able to reach this goal.. 

 My Aunt has decided she wants the surgery and I am going to Erie with her on fed. 21st for her 3hr meeting with Dr. Ali.. She and I are 2 totally different ppl and have different lifestyles, however if the dr. say its a go I want to support her best I can. 

 Other than that not much is new, just trying to get these last 13lbs gone b4 march 13th which is my 1 yr anniversary. How do you stop losing? haha who would have thought that would ever be a question I would have... Hmm.. well Until next time..

 For the first time in my relationship with my dh I weigh less than he does! He is tall and skinny and has no fat on him, I still have fat and need to work on my body, but I am still going to just *inhale* *exhale* enjoy this proud moment.. hehe.. I carry my meight in my stomach, so I didnt think I would fit into his jeans.. but I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ya know what I hate tho, when i was plus size I could get jeans to cover my spare tire roll, or what i call my muffin top, its just there.. (I know i need to work on it, I know.. ) But I can not find jeans that arent these damn low rise jeans.. I found what said they were supposed to be normal average fit but- NO- they still are low, not that it would be a bad thing, they fit no gaps or anythings, but c'mon ppl I have a muffin top thats needs to be held in place.. I have tried a bunch of those waist control undies, yea not working for me, mostly b/c even when they say they dont roll, they roll.. plus trying to put them on makes me break out into a sweat! So I still find myself going for big baggy shirts to hide the muffin top.. I know I have had worse things happen in life.. but GRrrrrrRrrr.. 

 Anyways.. The Holidays are upon us.. the food has been crazy! I find that I have not been watching what I put in my mouth as much as I should be.. I also only lost 5lbs this whole past month b/c of it, Thank goodness I have been working out or I dont think I would have lost at all.. Its a hard thing to break this bond I have with food.. I have in many ways (MANY MANY MANY WAYS) changed my diet, however its so much easier to do in your own home when you are the one making your meals and buying the groceries.. But when i go to my moms, or dads or my aunts or anywhere that is having a party/get together all my old fav. foods are right there... I've got to get this figured out! I love food.. always have and I always will.. Its just learning my own personal way of dealing with situations when they come..  I know its not the end of the world when i eat a little bit here and there but I do not want to convert back to eating a little bit here and there! I dont blame my weight problems on anything other than myself so when I see myself doing old habits its sort of a wake up call and me checking myself.. but anywhoo thats whats new in my world.. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year..

 Much Love,
Chasity

Well I have been working out at the Y, and I love it.. well as much as u could love working out anyways.. =) I work out for an hr. atleast 3 times a week. I wish I lived closer so it didnt cost so much in gas money to travel down there.. I found that I am a big wimp.. seems my once strong arms are now a sad story.. I work them as much as I can push myself to do so.. I cant believe how weak I am tho truely.. So thats one more reason for me to stick with my work outs!! I love the feeling of pushing myself and achieveing my mini goal.. I still have a loooooong road ahead of me but I am glad to say I am on my way..

Well they timed it perfectly by telling me last month to expect this weight loss to slow down! I haven't lost a single lb. this month.. but... I am really ok with that.. I already can not afford to keep up with buying new smaller sizes, lol.. I am ready to get back on track and start losing again.. soo anyday now, I keep telling my body, it can start losing again!! lol.. I do see the toning starting to take place and I LOVE that!! my flabbies arent as flabby! 

I went out and had a few beers for the first time since surgery.. I have heard from a couple different ppl that it wouldnt take me much and I would be drunk, so I was aware and paced myself.. I ended up having 3 beers, and 3 shots of hot damn and I was a lil buzz- ok so I was drunk, but still I dont think thats that bad.. I was thinking it would be 3 sips n I would be looking like a fool! My buzz wore off very fast, but my stomach was so full from the beer I couldnt even think of forcing myself to drink more.. I had a GREAT time! (thats what matters in the end, right)

OK well i hope all is well and u have a Happy Halloween.. 

~Chasity~


OOO and I almost forgot to mention- My sister gave me her old Arctic cat snowmobile coat, Size Large, I cant freaken Believe it.. I can wear a size Large coat! I carry all my weight in my stomach and upper body, so lets just say that a Large is an awesome size for me to be in! =) I am sooooo Grateful to have had this surgery!