Chasity

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It seems so hard to believe I only have a week of waiting left.. I should prolly whisper so not to say it to loud and have it change. So many times things have came up and I would get so upset and wonder why this was taking so long. Now with only a week left I am thinking holy shit that went quick! and YIKES! I am confident in my choice of having Dr. O'Malley, I am confident in myself and I am confident that all I need to do is open my eyes to find support. I am also freaken scared. I have been doing well at holding it in and trying not to stress over it and just show the world my happy face meanwhile inside I am making sure I take the extra time to kiss my 2 boys and I stop cleaning when they are being goofy just so I can join in, instead of bitch b/c they are in my way. The question of death has not hit me until NOW. Now I think of what if I were to die. I know its the same as I could get hit by a truck, but I think its not the same, I am the one putting myself at this risk fully aware of what could happen. I also am aware that my weight can kill me but yet I wonder am I being selfish, am I willing to risk that my children grow up without their mom. In the end thats my major worry, just what would happen to m boys. Dont get me wrong I love my family/friends and worry about them to but in the end it all comes back to my boys. Am I being a selfish mommy. I think No, I am doing this so I can be a better mommy but if I am that rare shocker that something goes wrong will my boys be able to see that I really was doing this to better our lives as a whole. Will ppl run out of stories to tell them about me, will they grow up and feel that they know who and what their mommy was, or will they just forget. They are so young, Harold is adopted already but Jonathan isnt, will Chris still be able to adopt him, all these things run through my mind. I guess in the end tho its what runs through all of our minds.




  Now what to do about ppl who change the way they treat you. I am already getting different tones from some people and I know that they want to be happy for me but their entire life I have been bigger than them and now I am working on changing. This is hard to write without hurting feelings of those who may stumble upon this and read it. I know I cant worry about what happens to others and all that, but these are ppl I love that are already changing the way they treat me, and I still have a week left until I have surgery! I hear--o dont u change just b/c you lost weight- and things like that, and to that I say, well I have to change certain things about myself or I am only going to end up back here where I am right now. I dont want to lose the happy girl that I once was, I hope I only bring her out again, but I will still have to change. Is it possible to not? 


Ok well I am going to watch my baby sleep and listen to my son read his book. I'm sure I will be back on here writing b4 my surgery but if not.. See you on the other side..

I am so excited!! March 13th is my surgery date.. YAY!!!!

so my test are done.. today was so much easier, and went smoothly.. althought it wasnt an EKG i had to have it was an echocardiogram (?sp?) the lady who did my echo has a friend who just had gastric bypass from a dr. in buffalo.. this lady has had complications.. it seems that now that i am so close i hear more about how ppl feel i should not do this, when i was just talking about doing the surgery everyone was all for it, but now that its right around the corner they are coming at me with horror stories left and right, and not to mention i just went throught the memorial page here on this site..  I have not worried about not making it home from the hospital, that never really was a concern for me-- IT IS NOW! geshh I am so nervous now! HAHA- heres a funny story tho, the man who did my xrays for me today and yesturday was walking me out to say good bye today and he said now i'll see you next year looking hot, right. I go- phhh like I'm not hot now.. how dare u, LOL>>>he turned 10 different shades of red and just smiled looked to the floor and said I ment-- and I interupted and said yeah yeah you cant take it back now, smiled n said good bye.. lol..

 so now, HOPEFULLY i will be ok to go ahead and have my sugery within the next few weeks.. WOW, if ever I wanted a smoke now would be the time! so I am going to go take a hot bath, haha with 2 of my fav. lil boys.. after all mommy doesnt know how to bathe alone!

My nerves about going to my test were far worse than the actual test.. althought the tredmill part sucked, I mean come on wait till after I start getting this weight off n i'll show ya how well i can do, lol.. but no it was ok, I didnt really care for the dr.(dr. Katari, olean) he was like you know after surgery you will need to exersice, he said this to me b4 i even stepped on the tredmill, and with attitude as if looking down his nose at me, but I just smiled n said very bluntly- YES now if we could get a move on and get this done and over with I'll be one step closer.. His breath stunk, and he was just kinda rude, no real comments but the way he made me feel.. Grr-- but I'm done with the part with him, all I need now is to go back and get more xrays and an EKG tomorrow, then approx a week from now he said he will look at the test results and fax them.. the nurse was the perfect babrbie looking thing, just gorgous without an ounce of make up on, and a simple pony tail,- i was like GREAT this will be fun *rolls eyes* but she turned out to be a total air head and we got along great, lol.. I had my first IV ever today and ouch that hurt at first, but.. only for a second.. I best get over my fear of needles it seems, lol..and i must say after all the test i have had to do, i am slowly getting over that fear! ok i am just rambling now.. so ta ta for now..

It pays to have a mother-n-law who is a nurse.. My Dr.'s office called to get me a stress test, and the date they got was Feb. 12th, well I was bummed and talking to my mother-n-law and she told me she would call Dr. Catari's office and see what she could do, that she knew the nurses and would ask them to put me on the cancelation list that way if something came up I would be first on the list-- well.. YAY today she just called to tell me they had a cancelation and I am now scheduled to go in on Monday Jan. 15th at 7 am... a whole month sooner, how about that.. SOOO YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! maybe surgery is right around the corner :-)

Grrrr-- so YET AGAIN i have a stu mbling block.. gawd does it ever end.. I am trying to hard not to let this get me down, but what else is there for me to do that will delay this. My stress test wont be done till Feb. 12th -- *cries* but thats after i did some bitching, my first date was in May! so I shouldnt be so upset, but- come on what else is there!

 Today I had my 1on 1 with Dr. O'Malley, and I dont know what I was stressing over I think he and I only talked for a few minutes :-) --- just what questions I had, and he answered them, and then he asked about my heart (I have a heart murmor, and heart disease in my family) He wanted to know how often my chest pain was and I said I would say if and when I get chest pain its only heart burn or anxiety, he said "I know you want this surgery, and I understand your going to be upset with me, however,    :-( with your family history and your heart murmor any chest pain is enough to cause concern, sooo- a stress test is needed b4 we can set a date fr your surgery" *sniffles* I understand, I truely do, but why couldnt someone like my PCP or someone from Dr. O'Malleys office that would have been going over my papers as they came in, why couldnt they have caught that and sent me b4 now, I have been working on getting this surgery for a year now, my group semi. was Dec. 2005, clearly there was time for me to have had this test. So, one more stumbling block, I really think this is the good lords way of asking me, how far are you willing to go, do you really want this, do you need it. My answer is YES, and this is just one more (hopefully last) thing for me to do to be "ready" for surgery and be a success! The lady that was there to have her one on one with Dr. O today too scheduled her appt. for jan. 10th so I am assuming that would have been when I would have been scheduled too :'-( now- whenever I can get in to have a stress test done and whenever they fax my results and then whenever dr. o's office calls that will determine when i schedule my date. *sighs* such is life.. 

  and what the hell is a stress test anyways- and will my anxiety and panic attacks harm my results? Ugh..

Shhh listen... can you hear that, its the angels singing, haha-- Today I got the call to set up my appt. for my one on one with Dr. O'Malley... WOW! just dec. 1st i had my last nutrition appt, I seriously did not think it would be this soon I would be hearing from them. I mean after all its been a yr sence my group, I have learn to expect things to take a a slower pace, but what an awesome surprise! ohhhh yes I am happy.. but ooooooooooo soooooo nerrrrrrvooooooooooous!

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! I am D-O-N-E with nutrition classes.. OOO yes I am sooo excited! Now this is what will happen from here on out.. I now wait for Dr. O'Malley's office to call me, they will schedule an appt. for me to meet with Dr. O for a one on one, then- if he says we are good to go, next stop- SURGERY! OO yeah- O Yeah! 
 I have our menu for the first 2 weeks after surgery and let me say this is kinda scarey- we get a choice between, slim fast, adkins, carnation I.Breakfast, or whey.. this seems scarey to me.. but hopefully my tummy will be a-ok!

Hello.. another nutrition appt down one to go and that will make 6 months worth of nutrition. The visit went well, we talked about how I could go ahead and have my one on one with Dr. O' Malley, however if I just keep my 1 last appt which is Dec. 2nd then I will not only qualify for approval with my medicare but then I would also qualify with bluecross bluesheild. With the holidays coming and having 2 small boys I dont mind waiting until after to have the surgery, so I guess all in all it works out to only benefit me no matter which way I were to go. So I decided that I would just finish up my last nutrition appt. and then plan on my surgery being around the first of the year in 2007.. YAY! It has been over a year of test and meetings with every dr. under the sun, but in the end I know it is only to help me be a success. 10 years from now I dont want to be back to the weight I am today, and to truely understand what I need to do for the rest of my life, I needed all these appts. I see that... I have been so frustrated with the process, but in the end its all worth it. My body didnt get this far out of wach over night, even tho i was born big, so I guess I shouldnt be upset that I cant solve my problem over night. I respect and appreciate things more the harder  I have to work for them, so its all gooooood!