Day 1 - feeling alone

Aug 02, 2010

Today was my first full day on the protein shakes pre-op liquid diet.  I started out excited and by the middle of the day I was hungry and irritable and now at the end of the day I am angry.   I called my momearly  today.  I called my boyfriend early today.  No one else called me until 9 pm when my step mom called.  No other family, no friends checked on me today even though I told them all about this first day and even set up a family meeting about my decision.   My mom never called back to check on me and she promised to be one of my big supporters. 

Also, my boyfriend did the most UNSUPPORTIVE, and INSENSITVE thing today.  I was telling him earlier that I was hungry and struggling, but he must not have listened.  He only talked about his day at school, so it was clear that school was on his mind - not me.   He came over tonight to spend time with me and brought a pizza.  He knew I couldn't eat it but he was planning on just eating it right in front of me.   I was so angry I told him to get out.  He was totally dumbfounded.  He had no clue how upsetting that was.   He couldn't figure out why I was so upset with him.   Just the day before I had asked my whole family and him to help me out by not asking me to dinner and being mindful of my appetite during this time.  I gave a speech and planned this big moment to ask for their support.  He gives me lip service that he is supportive and then goes and does something so thoughtless as bring a pizza over.   His excuse - I just wanted to get here as soon as possible.  So he was only doing what HE wanted to do - what was most important to him.  

I cried and told him to leave before I said something I would regret.  He didn't listen.  He came to my room and so I let him have it.  I told him all selfish and thoughtless his actions were.  I told him that he wasn't supporting me at all and that it's just lip service when he said yes he is.   I went on to talk about how he only thinks of himself and his schedule and his agenda.  He said he just wasn't thinking and that was my whole point.  I told him how important these first few days were and that I needed so much support, and he never even thought about what I told him.  My wellbeing wasn't any aware in his radar for today.   Ughh, I am so angry at him. 

Maybe this is a tell-tale sign of the future with him.  We're on good terms as long as I don't need him to put me first.  We're all good when I cater to his needs.   We're a perfect pair as long as I just go with the flow and do things for him and make everything easy for him in his tough times.  But when I have a serious need and he completely fails at being supportive - then somehow it's not his fault.  He just wasn't thinking.  Well, just because he wasn't inteniontally coming over to eat in front of me doesn't mean it wasn't a totally awful thing for him to do.

It will take some time for me to get over this one.  I am very wounded and feeling very alone in this journey.

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