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I have not taken a dump in EIGHT days. Yeah. 1234567 EIGHT. So I called the doctor yesterday and she said to take two tbsps of Milk of Magnesia. ECKH. But I got it down tonight and I'm starting to feel a rumbly... please pray for poop!!

So I haven't blogged because I really haven't been in the mood. But I'll do my best to tell about my experiences thus far.

On Wednesday I took the poop potion and it went a lot better than I thou hgt it would. I had a hard time sleeping that night for a few reasons, but the biggest being because I was so hungry. I hate trying to go to sleep on an empty stomach. But I made it. The next morning we got out of bed about 8 and got to the hospital at 10 till nine. I got put in a curtained room (pre-op) and got some Versed because I was so nervous, and my IV. They tried to get my IV in my right inside forearm, but it didn't work. I took a picture of the aftermath of that. They finally got it in my right hand. So about 11 Dr. Coates came in and he was really sweet. He said we had about a half hour to go. I kissed my hubby and BF and Mom in law goodbye, then I was off the the OR. When we got in there, of course, I started crying. I always do. I just get so scared about all the lights and machines and all that. The nurses in there were very very sweet and held my hand and told me that I was going to be okay. The Dr. Manaka came in and asked me what I wanted to dream about. I told him Edward Cullen, of course. :) That was about the last thing I remember. I had a student nurse take lots of photos of the surgery that I will post.

The next thing I knew, I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't swallow. It was very, very scary. The nurses kept yelling at me to wake up and cough- I had so much phlegm in my chest that they had to give me quite a few breathing treatments before I was able to breathe right. That was the worst part of the whole thing for me so far. I remember the nice guy who transported me and he talked to me. I remember feeling the weird elevator feeling, too. I don't remember much after that. I do remember pushing my morphine button as many times as it would let me because I was afraid of the pain. My mouth was so dry I felt like I was going to gag. But  as of right now I'm 4.5 days post-op and I haven't thrown up. I've been so afraid that if I do I'll hurt something. I had a really nice lady in the bed next to me named Odette. She had a breast reduction and she was in a lot of pain. She got to go home Friday, and the next person they put in with me was kind of irritating. She was really loud. But I got to go home on Saturday. The nurses and everyone was really glad that I was up walking as much as I was, and doing my spirometry a lot, too. Another awful thing was having to drink the liquid Lortab. It feels like I'm taking a shot of hard alcohol- it burns like that . I still don't like it, but it's getting better. It is the weirdest feeling in the world not knowing how my new body works. I have to relearn all about myself.

I've been taking walks a lot and drinking as much fluids as I can. I've been really, really tired, though. My post-op appointment is on the 19th. Well I'm kinda wiped out from sitting here just this little amount of time, so I'm going to post some pictures and relax with my wonderful husband. I don't know what I'd do without him. So go check out the pictures of my surgery!

Okay, so the last time I wrote was right before I left for my walk to the hospital. Well I left and it was raining, but it didn't  matter because with my jacket on I sweat like a swine. So, I walk my 1.2 miles to the hospital all jolly and proud of myself (even though it felt like my feet were going to detach themselves from my ankles and run off giving me the finger). I get there all out of winded and wet to check in. The lady says, "Oh hi, hon. You can't check in until 12:45"... And I'm thinking... okay... it's 12:40, but whatever... Then she says, "Yeah, that's 12:45 tomorrow." WHAT?? I was totally upset. It wasn't because I walked all the way there- but I didn't have someone to watch my baby the next day!! What the heck was I going to do?? So of course I don't want to seem like the fatso I am to the receptionist (I had told her that I walked there- I didn't want her to think I couldn't get home that way) So I had her call one of my friends that I knew would probably be home. Of course, she was not. >:( So off I go on the way home. I was almost crying by the time I got there. I pondered making an appointment with a podiatrist that night. I have red spots on my soles that burned and itched SOOO bad I thought I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. Anyway, that was that day.

Tuesday came and my husband got home early (PRAISE GOD!!) at 12:30 and I had to be there at one. PERFECT. So I got all my stuff and went to the class. I was so interested in everything that was being said that I didn't even notice the first two hours go by. There was a dietician who wasn't very exicted that I was asking so many questions- but I think I have every right to ask away. Then it hit me. All of a sudden, it hit my like a brick wall I didn't see coming. I'm having surgery. I'm altering my anatomy. Then I found out that I was NOT doing my pre-op diet correctly.

So the day I had my meltdown I had read in the "bariatric bible" the sample menu that had 4 oz of protein, 4oz of veggies, and 4 oz of fruit a day. It was kind of confusing anyway, so while I went and had a clamdown shower, Ted called the doctors office to clarify that. The lady who he talked to (a receptionist) said, "Oh no, that's not right! At each MEAL she can have 4oz veggies and 4oz protein." That made me feel SO much better. So that's what I've been doing since February 23rd.

I found out last night that is NOT correct. Not only was I sad that I might have jeopardized getting my surgery, but.... How could I really survive off 4oz of protein and 4oz of veggies and 4oz of fruit a day?? So I threw a full on tantrum. It's funny now, but it wasn't last night. I kept thinking that I was just going to continue doing what I was doing and let the chips fall where they may. But after about two hours of this nonsense, I straightened up and realized I was being a bit childish. If I want to change my health and my body for the better, I have to do what I have to do, right? Exactly.

So I made a promise to myself that today I was just going to have to be hungry. Too bad, so sad. I can do that for a week. So this morning I made a protein shake. I put 4oz of milk, 4oz of banana, orange crystal light, and my unflavored protein powder. It was actually pretty good! So that kept me full for HOURS. I did NOT expect that. We had to go grocery shopping and get more low carb Slim Fasts at Walmart, so I didn't have one of those for lunch like I was supposed to. But I made turkey burgers for dinner and had four ounces of that with a bit of light mayo. So then my husband actually got to eat, too. :) So after that I had my Little Green Giant pack of veggies, and now I'm thinking that a SF popsicle will hit the spot for desert. Or, I have sugar free jello, too. Today was a SUCCESS!!! I DID IT!!

So last night, my little man spent the night at Grammy's because I'm getting ready to go to my four hour pre-op class. I had done good all night, but I was having a bad craving for bad stuff. I kept pushing it aside. Well last night at midnight, my husband was snoring and I was in bed reading a book... and all of a sudden, it hit me. It was like a monster inside of me, I swear. I flew out of bed to the freezer. I had to have Eggo waffles. Not just one, no. I had four. With peanut butter and sugar free syrup (not 'cause I'd feel better about it but I've always preferred sugar free). And it seriously like I was getting a fix (that was one of my vices in life before this WLS stuff). What the heck??? I felt so bad I was in tears by the time it was over. But you know what? I felt like crap after I ate them physically and emotionally. I felt like I had let all my friends down here. I felt like I let my doctor down. And more than anything, I let myself down. But for breakfast I had two eggs and a half an orange (per my pre-op diet guidelines) so I didn't continue the bad behavior. I totally slipped. I thought that I might not blog this because I'm so embarassed, but I thought against it. I kept thinking, what if someone later does what I did and needs encouragement to get going again? What if someone needs to know that there are other people out there that screw up, too? I worked out this morning for 40 minutes (an aerobic video toned down but aerobic for me all the same!) and now I'm walking to my pre-op class that is a mile and a half away. Hopefully it doesn't rain that hard! But I forgave myself and I'm determined not to do it again. I weighed myself this morning and I lost another three pounds. That proved to me that I can keep going even with my slip last night. Well, I'm off to the pre-op class, I'll let you all know how it goes later.

So when I was bawling on Tuesday (which was my second day) I went to the chat room for some support. One of the gals in there told me that it would get better by day four, and she was so right. I can feel myself changing from the inside out. The last time I lost weight on Weight Watchers (I lost 17 pounds) I remember putting my leg up in bed to scratch my calf, and the fat on my side just folded instead of preventing me. I know this is probably way too much TMI, but hey, we're all honest here, right? I feel like this is the safest place for me to let it all hang out, ya know?

So I've been meaning to write down symptoms I'm having so I don't forget what it's like to be this miserable, therefore inspiring me to keep it off forever. I'll start with a list.

A few times a day, I feel like I'm hanging upside down because of poor circulation. I have to move around to get it to stop- I see spots sometimes, too.

When I drop something when I'm driving- there's no hope for me to reach it unless I get out of the car.

When I drop something on the floor when I'm in my computer chair I can't bend to the side and get it.

My leg goes numb on the pot sometimes.

I can't cross my legs.

When I'm sitting at the doctor's office, I can't read a book because my boobs and belly are so big.

The seat belt rubs into my side fat.

I can't put my arms down on my side- it's like the kid in a Christmas Story... "I can't put my arms down!!"

I get sweaty in places I should not. I'll leave it at that.

When I lay down at night, I feel like I'm suffocating sometimes.

I can't fall asleep well.

My foot hurts SO bad from plantar faciitis.

When I clean or do too much in the day, when I wake up the next morning I feel like I got hit by a bus.

I only have one pair of jeans, and the button popped off from all the stress. So now I have to kinda tuck the flaps in my undies, and sometimes my big fat belly comes popping out in public. That is ultimately humiliating.

People look at me weird.

My back hurts most of the time, especially when I first lay down.

I get winded from changing my sons diaper (on the floor)
 
I'm embarrassed when I'm naked in front of my husband.

I wear a size 24 pants, and 26/4X shirts.

I don't like to eat in front of people because I look like I'm inhaling my food.

I hate looking at how wide I am from front to back in mirrors when I walk by one.

I have a double chin- and it's a real one. And it's big. I HATE IT.

It's not easy to take a shower, I won't get into details, but if you're heavy, you know what I mean.

It's not as easy to go to the bathroom as it used to be.


Okay, I feel like I've summed it up pretty well. If I forgot something, I'll add it later. I more or less just wanted to document this now before I forget all the little reasons I hate being fat.

So I talked to Isabelle on Monday, and the surgery is scheduled for March 12th at noon.

No one could have prepared me for how this pre-op diet was going to affect me. I thought I had an idea, but I didn't. So yesterday was a BAD day. I had a meltdown. I could not stop crying. I started my pre-op diet on Monday, but yesterday was awful. I was going through carb withdrawals so bad I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin. It's like I can almost feel my stomach changing from what I'm putting in it now- which is just protein and vegetables. My pre-op diet is what my diet will be after the surgery, just nothing pureed, thank goodness. I kept thinking, "This is it? I can't live on this!" so I called to doctor to get some support, and talked to some lady named Barbara. She basically told me to stop my sniveling. I cried even harder. I was a real mess when Ted got home. I had clammed up and didn't even want to talk about it. It felt like no matter what I said, it wouldn't convey the magnitude of what was going on in my head, my heart, and my stomach. He got down on his knees and held me until I let it go, and it was like a floodgate opened. There have been a couple of times that I've been on the "wagon" that I've gone through this same thing, just never this intense. The withdrawals may just be in my head, but are real to me just the same. It was almost physically painful to stay on track yesterday. But I know from past experiences that this part does pass. I just have to stick to it and it will get easier. Just like anything else.

I guess part of it was it finally hit me that I am NOT going to be having the cheese fries, pizza, chimichanga's, chips, cake, and who knows what else anymore. I've read so many people's blogs about how food was their best friend. I didn't think food and I were that close until now. I thought it was just that I liked the way certain things tasted. Then it's like I almost started grieving... I kept thinking about all the times that food has comforted me and been there for me in the quiet times when no one else has. I didn't realize how unhealthy a relationship I had with food until now. But that's the whole point of having this surgery, isn't it? To change your lifelong bad habits and replace them with good ones?Right now I'm eating to live, not living to eat- and I have never done that before. That is a completely new concept for me. I'm still feeling a little rocky this morning, but someone told me in the chat room that it gets better by day 4. I feel a lot better today, so tomorrow should be even better. I am feeling a lot more optimistic today than yesterday. I didn't want to clean my house or anything yesterday. But I feel so much better today. I felt REALLY really tired yesterday, and I still do today, but it's better. It doesn't help that Ryan was up all hours last night crying because he wanted to come "sleep in Daddy's bed". Then of course after that, he wakes up at 6:30. I just praise God that my mother in law is taking him while I'm laid up for a week. What a blessing.

Ted took me to Barnes and Nobles last night and bought me a cookbook for weight loss surgery patients. I looked through it and it didn't help, but it was the thought that counted. He did take me to the grocery store with my list of things out of the 'Bariatric Bible" and stocked up on the essentials. Yogurt, chicken, veggies... Anyway- I'm going to go make some eggs. Thanks for listening.

So I'm chomping at the bit to get to tomorrow morning! I'm so excited to call the office and talk to Isabelle about scheduling the surgery. I'm hoping for Monday, March 8th. It would be even better for March 5th, but we'll see. I'll blog tomorrow and let you know what's going on. And I started freaking out about the cost of the surgery... someone told me on Friday that it may be more than my $4000 out of pocket expense and I started having a panic attack. I can't pay for 30% of the surgery! That would be like $10000 dollars!! But God is good, and I am putting this ENTIRE situation in his hands. HE is a God of miracles, everyday in my life. He takes care of his little birds. So that's that, and I'll stop freaking out until I call our insurance tomorrow!

We're off to church now to volunteer in the toddler nursery.... OH BOY. It was a disaster last time, but I've been praying for a good day today!

:)

I found out today that I am approved for surgery. Surgery will be about two and a half weeks away. On Monday I will do the scheduling with the surgery schedule lady. And usually they schedule two weeks out. HOLY COW I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT!!! Praise GOD!! I'm so nervous but I'm SO excited to start my new life. I'll blog again when I get a date.

So on Monday, the 2nd, I had my physical and my dietary evaluation. We just talked about what my life will be like after the surgery. She was really nice. Then on Tuesday the 3rd, I went and had my fasting lab work done (to complete my physical for my PCP) and went to my psych evaluation with Dr. Morgan. He said he'd be happy to refer me to have the surgery done. So now that's all done, It's the waiting game. Everything went well, but I'm still waiting for the lab to send over my results to my PCP. He can't submit to Dr. Coates until he reviews the results. I called today to get them moving and they  were suppoed to call me back, but I haven't heard anything yet. I wanted everything to be into Dr. Coates by Friday, so I'm just waiting on the PCP's office and the lab. That's frustrating! It should have been done yesterday. But anyway, I'm done blabbin.

So I went and had my consultation today. I really liked the physician's assistant, Diane. She and I really hit it off. She thinks I'm an excellent candidate, and she said it's pretty much a "slam dunk case" as far as she's concerned. I have to say, my palms are sweaty right now.

So what happens next? Isabel said that if I get all my stuff done fast, I can have a surgery date in two or three weeks, depending on the time the insurance takes. I'm so nervous all of a sudden. I cannot believe that it's actually going to happen. Did anyone else have this kind of reaction? Geez.

I'm feeling a kind of sadness, too. Like I'm saying goodbye to my really unhealthy relationship. I think I'm just so hopped up on the whole thing right now since I just found out four hours ago. My psych eval is Tuesday night, and my physical and dietary eval is on Monday. I need to get someone to watch my little munchkin. So how's that for taking care of things fast?? 

I'll write more when I'm more settled, but right now I need to do some busy work to work off this nervous energy. Here I come, laundry!