strange thoughts as of late
Jun 12, 2011
so it seems my mind has been traveling to places in my head i have not visitied in some time,,,the last couple of days my hyped up 'lets get this party started' attitude has went to the 'what the hell am i doing' phase ! now i know this is normal i read books,,, but along with this wondering feeling i am also feeling things like sadness and not so much disgust as anger,,i know these feelings, i have had them before they creep up on me from time to time only to be beaten back down again by my ever present state of optimisism,, but this is so in your face and it's a working kind of in your face cause it's not some thing that happens and then goes away,,you have to work at this all the time and thats where the battle to beat it down gets hard,,i have to learn approach from a different angle,sneak up on it kinda,,,believe me folks i have this down to a fine science when it comes to sweeping things away when i don't want to deal with them ,,i don't know where they go and i don't care,,some of the things in my life are so tramatic i can't even recall certain eras of my life and this has been good for me ,,don't get me wrong,,it's worked for me,,,but not this time,,,this is gonna make a man outta me so to speak,,,LOLOLbut it is a fight i will win and to the advantage of my body,,,i mean it is me we are talking about and a way of life i want to have again,,soooooooo,,i will pull myself up by the boot straps and stand on my hind legs and do the walk,,admit to the internet in no uncertain terms,,yes i am embararassed for becomeing this way,, yes i am disgusted at myself for letting it get this far,my pain doctors all said 'Dorothy you have to accept you have disabilities now it's only gonna get worse for you if you don't so i listened to them,i let my arthritis pain and the why me's take me out,,and the bigger i got the more it hurt and i knew this and did nothing but accept the enevitable,,to die huge in a chair and soon too,personally i think i was eating myself to death in the first place if ya know what i mean,but theres something about when you get to the bottom that makes you want to kick your feet up and head for the top,,,i am heading for the top folks,,i want to see the sun and the air and breath life into this spirit again,,
so no more pity parties for me,, i am heading for surgery in four days,.,,i will write my "just in case" letters with open in case of emergency on them,,and then i will place my mind, body and this spirited spirit in the hands of our Lord,which is all any of us can do!!!
(ps) I am not really crazy,truley,i talk to myself like this all the time,,LMFAO
