Daraja

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1//6/13- Everytime I open this chapter of my life I tell myself, "He's the one" but as soon as I do what I know Im not suppose to do. (and that is sleep with a guy) the relationship goes south and then he doesn't call anymore. 

Why do I need to feel so dumb and desperate for a relationship. On the outside Im not bad looking. Im funny sincere and will giving my last for a person, but I feel once the doors are closed and the lights are off the meir thought of him starting feeling my body makes me shriek....cause I know he's feeling lumps and bumps that he didnt except to be there. (and its not because I wear a gridle). What was he expecting, no bumps and curves?...sorry Im not that size 9/10, 150 lbs 30 year old any more.

I  see this chapter coming EVERY time, but I fail to take a stand and say, "NO". if you love me you'd wait, like my grandmother would always tell me. I glad to be having this surgery, but Im not having it to get a man, but Im doing it more for my health and my well- being. But on the other hand more because, I just want to see how one treats me once I am not over weight. I know it sounds dumb, but thats what's on my mind right now!

Its like when you are broke and not a penny to your name you cant find a friend in the world to loan you some money. But the minute you win the lottery those "so- call" friends come out the wood works with their hands out.

Well this moment in my life isnt going to make me get depressed and over eat....Im get dressed for church, Thank the Lord that Im able to see some people for who they really are. I know my God didnt design for me too be alone, so Im hide myself and when God sends me that special someone who will love me for who I am and not what I look like. 

So yeah it hurts and the tears are flowing, but I know who I am and Im so determined now to reach my weight loss goal that I wont let little things block me.

Pray for me OH family

Im so prepared for this surgery to happen I cant wait...I wish I was this pumped up last year when I was suppose to go through with it then...but time does a thing to a person. Watch out new me I ready to get back into my 9/10 sizes.

I have one more appointment and that is with the Psych doctor next week. All my labs are done, classes and seminars taken. I have started shopping and packing for the big day/ life changer. I'm scared and happy all together. My first goal is to take my kids to an amusement park and walk around and get on RIDES!  by summer  2013