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Another blog or post made me think of this.

When you hear a doctor or long term patient talk about RNY, you inevitably hear about all the changes. Some days I have a hard time realizing I've done much of anything so to prove myself wrong, that I have changed, I'll list those.

* I like exercise. Not always because I do have an illness that makes that hard sometimes. And I am still not the biggest fan of the gym. I love outdoor stuff. Hiking is my all time favorite.

* I am not obsessed with food anymore. I don't care if I eat. Sounds bad in a way, but it's liberating to me. It means I choose to eat for the nutrition. Not because of an emotion. I never before learned to differentiate head hunger from body hunger.

* I don't eat sugar anymore. I was absolutely addicted before surgery. Now I'm not. I have not had a real cake, pie, cookie or candy in almost 10 months. Although I do bake some stuff made with Splenda. It is often pumpkin pie. I can eat that any time of the year.

* I eat protein first. I've always been a carnivore. I still enjoy ripping into a rare steak.

* I drink tea all the time. Herbal tea, iced tea, hot tea. I love it.

* Speaking of drinking habits, I do have diet soda! But only when I really feel like it. And I don't feel guilty about that either. I am DONE with the guilt over eating and food. So go ahead and tell me it'll stretch my pouch. You can also tell me the sky is purple. Won't make alot of difference in MY world!

* I don't eat out much. I can count on one hand the number of times I've eaten out in the last 10 months. I've concluded that most restaurant food sucks and is overpriced and too fatty. I can made the same thing at home for a fraction of the cost and a fraction of the calories that tastes WAY better. I'm a southern girl, and I'm a damn good cook. Might as well enjoy my talents!

* I don't care where I park in the parking lot. If it's close, fine. If it's in BFE, fine. I will even park in a  shopping plaza where I intend to go to multiple stores and  walk to each one. That was blasphemy before surgery.

* I don't mind stairs at all. In fact, they are easier than an elevator. Elevators freak me out a little. I think I've watched too many movies.

* I don't think of myself as a WLS patient. I think of myself as someone who has helped herself lose weight by the best means necessary. If I begin tot hink of myself as being a WLS patient, I might start buying into the idea that I've been cured. I know my mentality and how I can get caught up in psychological tricks.

* I feel more in charge of my body and my weight loss than I ever have. And for me, that is vital. If I don't feel like I'm in control... if I feel like my sugar addiction or my thyroid or my medications or whatever are in the drivers seat, I fall into feelings helpless. I do not feel helpless anymore.

* I like my body. Mostly. I am not thrilled being such a pear shape, but it is what I have and in these next 60lbs I have to lose, should normalize more. More importantly, I view my body as a precious resource to me now. It gets me places and does things for me and it lets me hike these amazing trails in the mountains to views that not too many people get to see. I want to make it stronger so it can do even greater things like rock climbing and martial arts and distance running. I am an athlete at heart!

Since I've updated anyway.

I hit the 6 month mark on November 7th. And like everyone said, it gets a little harder after that. I've been stuck at a very slow pace of losing since mid-October. I finally broke that with some extra exercise. Which, I think this extra exercise is going to have to become the norm for me to continue losing at the pace I like (10lbs/month). Otherwise, I can expect to lose a little less.

But I don't mind the exercise at all. In fact I love it. I  was a very athletic child and one major thing I looked forward to with this weight loss was being able to be like that again. The more physically challenging, the better. I'm starting to run and jog now. I can't simply job two miles straight right now, I have to break it up into jog/walk/jog/walk sessions but that trains my body. 6 months ago, I couldn't have ran anywhere to save my life. Literally, if I had to run away from an axe murderer, I would be dead.

So I'm just focusing on simply getting in more protein, eating less carbs, getting  more exercise (and getting more creative in what I do) and drinking  more water. The same thing I've been doing since day one but I always strive to do better. And it's not a struggle either. There's nothing holding me back from doing any of it. No aching back and feet or asthma attacks. Or sugar addiction or worry about getting in the way of eating well. It's all simply a choice of what I want to do with each day. Few days are perfect, but most days exceed my expectations.

No really, I mean that.

I have more energy than I know what do with. I have to workout or else I think I might implode. I go out every weekend to the mountains and swim in the river and off-road and hike some and explore new places. It was 103F one weekend and I didn't even care! I was wearing a tank top and sun tan lotion and was complaining that the sun wasn't hot enough on me to tan me. Bizzar-o. I normally think anything above 75 is hot. Now it might as well be winter. But I'm also not cold all the time. I'm comfortable for the first time in my life.

I admit, I don't eat perfect. I don't have regularly scheduled meals because everyday is a different schedule for me. I get my protein and vitamins and water though. And I hardly eat out, I never eat sugary or fatty foods. Don't miss 'em either. Maybe this is as close to perfect as one can get without getting neurotic though. I am happy here, and my body is apparently happy too. It's completely liberated of 65lbs. I know it's 1/3 of the way to go but it's tremendous to me! Especially in two months!

I've got some planned vacations coming up. We're going to Salem, Mass. for Halloween. It'll be my first time on a plane since 2003! Yippie! Next summer is my Caribbean cruise and trip #2 to Vegas. Partay.

So, all in all I am doing VERY well. Better than I hoped for, especially this early on. I'm feeling a great deal of gratitude these days. For just about everything.

Well, things are a little different than they were the last time I posted. For starters, now that I can eat fairly well, I don't crave food so much or miss it so much. It's slowly coming back to me, but it has set some boundaries for the good of our new relationship. I tried pushing those boundaries and I ended up getting food stuck and had to try for an hour to throw it up. I've had quite a few problems lately actually. I got dehydrated and had to go to the ER and get hooked up to an IV. I was so dehydrated my body went into shock. I could barely breathe anymore. It really snuck up on me.

I also got the infamous "screaming cramps." For once I prayed for death. It felt like someone was ripping the muscle right off the bone and stabbing me in the back with knives. I started taking more calcium and that helped it but I am SORE. I didn't sleep much during all that so I really screwed up my sleep patterns which isn't good.

I've gotten to where I hate how food feels in my pouch. Food used to feel so good in my stomach. Now it feels better empty. So, I have to force myself to eat (Do you have any idea what a trip it is to write that?) and I'm more conscious of my fluid intake. I'm recovering just in time to transition to solid foods. Part of me doesn't care, to be honest. The final state of grief is acceptance and I think I've accepted that hamburgers and pizza's won't be a part of my life for quite awhile and even then, they will be a rare treat. I think I might be ok with that. I was craving a hot dog the other day and decided a piece of weenie with mustard wouldn't hurt. It was fine, but I was actually craving the mustard, not the weenie! Go figure. My relationship with food is all wonky. But it beats the hell out of crying over it and craving things constantly.

It's really hard for me to be able to understand that there will come a day when I will be normal again. I'll be able to eat alot of what I want to, just in small quantities. I feel like I'll be eating cottage cheese and yogurt forever.

I think I'm entering the hibernation syndrome part of the recovery. I'm struggling with depression, which was under control pre-op. I feel like I'm mourning my old life and I'm mourning food. I'm mourning the loss of something that was central to my life... how do I go on without it? My evening routine of eating when my husband got home while watching my favorite shows on Tivo is over. He has to go eat elsewhere because I nearly have a fit when I smell the food. I have actually asked him to give me his food and I sat there five minutes eating it with my nose. That is to say, I just held it and sniffed it, inhaling it as deeply as I could thinking I was eating it. I even chewed something up and spit it out once because I couldn't take it. I wish we had a second floor so he could eat there. It's driving me crazy.

I'm sure I sound neurotic and that's because I am when it comes to food. I miss it so much. It's like a love affair gone wrong. You break up but that doesn't end the love. It's sad someone would speak of food like that but I'm addict, what do you expect? I feel like I'm in involuntary rehab right now and it sucks. It doesn't help matter that I'm part of the minority who feel hunger early post op. I thought I'd have months before I had to worry about that feeling. Nope. No such luck. It's worse because I've had a slow painful recovery. I was NOT one of those people who came out of surgery and hit the ground running. It's been very hard and my body very uncooperative. I'm on oxygen and lugging a tank around sucks. I'd rather walk my hallway a couple of times an hour than even bother getting outside, down three flights of stairs with an oxygen tank for a mere 20 minute walk and then getting back up again. I'm worried this slow recovery means slower healing time and I'll be more than two months out and dealing with problems those one month out deal with. I struggle with alot of doubt about what I've just done and wake up sometimes wishing it was only a dream and that I can jump out of bed, put on my clothes, get in my car and go hit a trail somewhere outside the city where it's just me, my 4x4 and nature. Then I try to get up and the pain at my incision sites remind me what I've done is all real and I can look forward to a day of nothing.

I still think about food all the time. I DREAM about it every night! I kid you not. I dreamed the other night that I made myself some nachos (something I sorely miss) and eating those felt GREAT. Then I went by Burger King and got a burger and then I ended up somehow with this giant cup of Dr. Pepper. Man, I was sipping away on that stuff! Then I took my prized cup to a party and they had every kind of pastry in the world. I pigged out! I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror in the dream and I was totally fat -- which is odd because when I see myself in dreams, I am always normal sized. Maybe it's a warning of some kind? I don't care. It was nice to just eat my dreams. lol.

I think I tried to do too much too fast and hurt something on my left side. It was fine and now it's sore again. I think it was because I was raising myself out of bed using my stomach muscles. It's not like I had a choice except roll myself out of bed and plunk on floor. Also a painful option.

I'm going to try to drive the first time since the surgery. I'm off painkillers and I miss my car. I miss being out and about. In my old life, we took day trips across the state and weekend trips out of town nearly every weekend. That's hard to do while I'm recovering but this is also the perfect time of year for such things. I've got 4x4 trails with my name written all over them... but the bouncing around would hurt too much.

I want my life back. Even the shred of it I had pre-op I miss, even if I have lost 33lbs. Numbers aren't everything. I did this to feel better and have good health and well, I don't feel very damn good.

I am 9 days out and 28lbs down!! It would have taken me 6 months pre-op to lose that kind of weight. That ticker up there got to down dramatically.. it was so great!

Everyone has been commenting on how much thinner I look in the face. My face is more oval and you can see my eyes better. When I first looked, I felt like I was looking at an alien. I guess I will have to get used to that phenomenon!

I went to my first post op appointment today and they took that stupid drain out. It kinda hurt. The tube felt like it whacked my stomach on the way out. It was certainly a unique feeling.

I did much better than I thought with walking around. I even made it up and down stairs without much theatrics. Now that I'm home and in my element I'm doing rather well I think. I hated being in the hospital, it was such an awful experience for a number of reasons. I could not have healed if I had stayed there longer.

I've also graduated from water to soft foods like egg beaters, yogurt, sugar free pudding, cottage cheese and refried beans. Although I think asking someone who has just gotten their stomach worked on to eat refried beans is a little cruel. lol.

Ya know what ELSE I think is cruel? Holding the nutrition class in the stinky hospital cafeteria! I got so sick I had to get up and leave.

Pain has really leveled off. I'm not even on painkillers anymore. I mostly hurt when I move the wrong way or when I burp, hiccup, cough, sneeze or yawn.

I am however freakin tired from all of today's action. Tivoooooo.

I vacillate between being so excited and so scared. This minute I'm excited. I feel ready for my new life.

However, this starvation thing sucks. So that makes it easier to want to hurry up and get to surgery.

I have my pre-op done. Got all my tests and prescriptions and instructions for Monday.

I am what a friend calls excitedly nervous. Friday will be the last day of my life with food as I know it. This will certainly be an interesting weekend.

Holy crap! Just 13 days left until my surgery. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! LOL.

I'm so nervous. I need to make sure I have a full prescription for my tranquilizers!

I had a cold last week and I have just a little remainder of it left. Mostly in the chest. I'm hoping that won't be a problem. I'm eating spicy food like crazy and taking loads of Vitamin C. The head cold is clear. I have a little head congestion, but the output is clear so I'm not concerned. I have indoor allergies and it's likely just them acting up. They usually do after a system upset like this.

Well this month has been a cycle of excitement and doubt, hope and disappointment, courage and fear.

Ever since I got done with everything and the surgery was ready, I have been scared to death about the procedure itself. I've worried that it would painful beyond belief and that maybe I'd have a severe life-threatening complication or that I would just plain screw up and fail at this too. What if I hate the surgery? I can think of the things I enjoy now about the present situation. The way I can snack on road trips without eating real meals and without worrying about dumping syndrom when I'm in the middle of nowhere.

But then I guess logic comes back and I think about all the people who have gastric bypass and do all the things I'm worried I won't be able to do. Which leads me to remember all the things I'm not able to do now for which there are no workarounds. Then I have to remind myself that this is going to shake me up and make me feel uncomfortable and I have to keep my eye on the prize and think of all the things I will be able to do afterwards. I've gotten to recording things off the travel channel and the discovery channel about interesting world destinations with wind surfing and extreme hiking and biking and white water rafting and my favorite, the million things you can do at the Grand Canyon.  Well, the southwestern US in general has so many things i'm dying [living] to go do.

I was really beginning to get cold feet and then I started watching these things and I Tivo'd a show called Fat: What No One Tells You. It has such an impact on me, and reminded me of exactly what I needed to think about regarding this. I paused it halfway through to call the surgeon's office.

The surgery will scare me up until the moment I am put under anesthesia, but that's no reason to not do it. I have never been a fearful person and I have a high tolerance for discomfort and physical pain (as long as it isn't dental!) so there's no reason to wuss out about those things now. I'm not severing a limb off with a sharp tree branch here, it's won't be that damn bad! I'm doing this! Cold feet or not.