Writ.e it down....sort it out

Sep 14, 2011

Its been a while since I wrote on here. I started a blog somewhere and now I cant find it. LOL. Only me! So lots of things have happened. I am not 100% proud of all of them, but I dont really care. So much change in teh last 1.5 years. Right now I am still in transition as to what I want to do about my marriage. I dont want to screw my husband over completey and if I leave, I will. He will not be able to afford his life without my paycheck. On teh other hand.....he is not exactly working too hard to keep me and I would be in fantastic financial shape without him. Also, its pretty hard to walk away from teh dreams you once had. There was a time when I thought he really was the one. I pictured a life together and it made me happy. If that is over, there are a whoel lot of dreams I will have to walk away from. But how long do you stay in a bad relationship for the sake of dreams taht will never happen anyway. Then there is the weight loss. You hear so much about teh changes people go through.....so how much of this is my fault. Am I being honest about my accountability? Have I changed so much? I know I have changed, and I know that is contributing to the situation. I feel like teh changes I have made have been good for me and bad for us. Things I used to put up with I wont anymore, but is that a bad thing. Was I easier to live with because I allowed him to get away with crap I should not have? And then again is that his fault? If I allowed it to happen and he got used to it, isn't that sorta my fault too? Why did I allow myself to be treated in an unacceptable way because I was fat? It's like I thought I shoudl be grateful for what I had because I'd never find better. Now I feel like there are more options available to me. Isn't that just plain arrogant? Have I become a vain bitch that thinks I can do better? If I decide to leave, will I regret it a year from now? How do I know if it is a mistake? How do I know what path is right?

In the meantime.....my confusion is complicated further by the "other". I set out to have a simple fling. It was intentional I admit it. I wanted to feel like someone thought I was special. I wanted someone to treat me like I was desirable and valuable. I found a beautiful young man who was super hot and we agreed on an arrangement that was simple and superficial. Then he changed it up and asked me to "be his girl". Who says that? That is so cute and so charming and so old fashioned. Things have gotten more complicated since then....because we are starting to care about eachother. However my faith in other human beings and men in general is so destroyed that I cant let go of the nagging feeling that I am being played. I keep thinking the worst and every time I do I am wrong. Everytime I think he is not going to call again, or that he has cast me off....I am wrong. So why do I sit here today still thinking that I will probably never hear from him again? I have to find some way to get past this insecurity that I have beaten into myself since childhood. He and I actually had our first fight. And he pissed me off good and we cussed at eachother in text! LOL.....modern love. I thought....yep...I will never ear from him again.....but he messaged me later in teh day and was friendly. Then This morning I passed him on the way to work and I sent him a text that said a simple "good morning :)" to which he promptly responded with a "morning". So why am I sitting here still saying....Yep it's over and I will never hear from him again. LOL. Yet in my heart I believe that is what will happen.......I hope not....I really was not done with him yet. But maybe that would be best since I was starting to get a little attached. And why is it so important to me that he likes me? So what if he doesn't? If he doesn't then fuck him right? How come it is never taht easy in real life. Why do we seek to have the approval of others so badly that we want unrealistic affections from people? Is it because we have had a vaccum of approval and affection all of our lives from being fat? What really gets me is...I convince myself that its over...and then I get used to the idea.....and then I am ok with it...and then he calls again and I find I am wrong again. I don't know.....having never argued....I dont know if he will come sniffing back around. A fling is not much fun anymore once you start arguing right? once you start fighting...its not really a fling anymore. But I had to stand my ground. I woudl hate myself today if I didnt. I had to say no no no! And I needed him to understand taht I meant it. If he does not want to see me anymore then I definitely made the right call by standing my ground. Sooooo, why am I waiting for the phone to ring? Am I really that needy for his attention......or do I just want someone to love me no matter who it is? Do I just want someone to thing I am the cats pajamas so badly that I will pursue something that isnt good for me? Why cant I just seek my own approval and be happy with it? I bet if I could accomplish that......it woudl be no problema t all to find a man that would also love and approve of me. I bet I woudl be fighting off respectful, loving men if I had that kind of love and respect for myself. Again...easier said than done.

I just want M&M's and a puppy really. LOL

Hopefully if I stop and write down what I am feeling and thinking...it will help me sort it out to have to put words to it.

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