Jane M.

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Well, is was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. MY TT hurt worse, but this time it was mostly a mobility issue. You can't sit for too long, so I mostly have been laying in bed for the last week. It's getting kinda boring being stuck in the house, I did too much online shopping while I'm on Vicodin, so I'm probally in for a surprise when I go to the mailbox next week!

So, I arrived at  6 am to report for surgery. Changed into my johnny gown and those hospital socks and the nurse got my IV set up. I forgot to pee first and had to make a pit stop on the way to the pre-op area. So, Dr. Z came in with his sharpie pen and started marking my behind and hips up. I was very nervous but I wasn't upset or scared. More anxious than anything else. He gave me a big hug and told me that it would all be good. 

After he left I sat there, they could'nt give me a sedative yet because they had to prep me while I was standing up (Wash you with the iodine antiseptic stuff). I started crying. I was all alone because mom had to stay with Dylan. I was crying because this was helping me close a chapter in my journey. I was getting rid of one of the things that reminded me everyday that was a formally MO person. It was like cutting off a huge part of my life. So I wasn't sad or upset, just happy in a weird sort of way.

So, I dried my tears, watched the Today Show and they came and got me to take me to the second floor.  I had to take off my gown, step on a stool and they had to wash me from my breast bone to my knees with a antiseptic solution. It was kinda embarrassing to stand there and have a nurse swab your'e privates. I couldn't touch myself or anything and had to scoot onto the table where they put the surgical sheet over me and got the arm boards. Then the anesthesist started my IV drip and that's about the last thing I remember. Nighty Night!

Surgery took about 4 hours, I think (not sure, everything is very fuzzy). I was wheeled into my private room and given my pain button and had my vitals taken. Most of that night was a blur for me, but mom and Dylan came up to see me and mom got me some snapple to drink since I'm not much of a water drinker.  I slept most of the day and just laid there fading in and out for most of the night. I did get my catheter out at Midnight and walked to the nurses desk.  I was pushing my pain pump every ten minutes. But it really wasn't that bad at that point. I just tried to stay hydrated and ate crackers for my nausea.

Rest to come later.....

I haven't been on for awhile. Mom has really been sick this time around. It's been very stressing on me. I am ready for round 2 of my plastics which is tommorrow, Valentines' Day. Looking forward to the the improvement it can make. We will do the inner thighs in a seperate surgery. 

My pics are in my photo section if you want a look. I will remove them to my private folder at makemeheal.com after about a week. I've had a lot of pervy type emails regarding my plastics pics. I don't send them to just anyone. 

Wish me Luck!

Jane

I'm taking a much needed break form OH for awhile because I have stuff going on in my life that needs my full attention.  I am also blocking some of my blogs as well, for personal reasons. A, many of you know , I lost my husband almost 7 months ago. I'm still dealing with a lot of stuff related to his death, including a pending lawsuit. I'm still writing a book on Post-op life. I hope to complete it this year. I will need to interview people that are at least 1 year post op or more. So write me and I'll put you on my list. I'm hunting for a publisher. I may self-publish it, sell it on ebay if I have to. Haven't decided what route to take. 

If you need to contact me my email is [email protected] or [email protected]. For those that have my other private email address already, that still works.

Richmond Stapled-up Winter Conference, January 19-21, 2007
181 pounds Lost!

Food Addiction. some of us claim that we didn't have it as a pre-op. I was one of those who often said "I really don't eat much.". The truth is I ate a lot more than I ever thought. Sometimes I'd go all day and not eat and then at night I was a ravenous beast. I'd eat everything in site. It wasn't until after surgery did I realize that I was indeed a food addict. I used to think that by not eating all day that I had some kind of "control" over food. In truth, I had no control at all. Food controlled me. Before I knew it I ate a whole box of Krispy Kremes or a half gallon of ice cream. The bag of Doritos would go from freshly opened to totally empty rather quickly. Binge Eating? Yes, but I never threw it up like a bullemic. Food consumed my ever waking thought. It's a shame that something like that can make us lose every bit of self-control we have.

So, now that I'm below goal and maintaining my weight, am I really in control now? In some ways I am, mainly because of capacity issues. I eat too much, I hurt pretty badly. Do I still want those things that made me fat in the first place? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. I et very healthy meals now. I skip the bread, sugar, potatoes and starches. I don't like processed foods either. I've totally lost my addiction to diet soda. I used to drink almost 4 liters of Diet MT. Dew a day. Now, I can't stand the stuff. So am I cured of my food addiction now? Probally not. Like drug and alcohol addiction, it's a lifelong thing that I will always have to deal with. The thing is, with surgery I am limited on how much I can eat and what I can eat. I still would love to eat those things. Some people are able to have just one bite and be satisfied. I can't be satisfied, so I stay completely away from the things that made me fat to begin with. I don't have them in my house at all. 

I see older post-ops on the graduate board regain their weight. Sometimes they regain a lot of weight. So what are they doing wrong? They have fallen back into the food addiction cycle. Even though our tummies are small, it can't prevent us from eating junk and grazing all day. Grazing is what will get you into serious trouble. Snacks are ok, as long as your not eating potato chips, cake, cookies, ice cream etc. It's people who eat around the clock that I see struggling with their addiction. you can eat the same amount of calories as you did as a pre-op i you graze.  Surgery is not a Cure for addiction. Yes, it can give you a tool to be successful. but like any tool, if used incorrectly, you can't get the job done.  

The thing is we will always struggle with food issues, body issues, depression etc. going into this surgery thinking wow!, I'm going to thin and beautiful!  That is not the way to look at it at all. Your'e here to get healthy, change your thinking about food and to finally start "living" your life. It comes at a huge expense but it is worth it if you make the commitment to live by new rules. Commitment is the key word here. the day that I had surgery was the day I signed a contract with myself never to be like that again.

If there is one thing I have learned is that food will always be in the back of mind. But instead of thinking about when my next meal will be, I Now have to remember to eat. I do sometimes forget. Food is no longer the priority in my life. I've gone from one extreme to another. Yes, it can happen! I'm not cured of my food addiction by any means, but I now have a self-control mechanism that I never had before. Changing how you think about food is the one thing surgery has given me. Not everyone has the ability to do it and in many cases these are where you see regains. I highly reccommend that people still struggling with food addiction after surgery to seek out a therapist with experience in treating eating disorders. Like anorexics and bulemics, we have a serious problem that sometimes only therapy can help us with.

Well, I'm officially, totally, completely stressed out. Mom is sick, I have appointments for something almost everyday. Taking care of mom, Dylan, the animals is making my skin break out and I'm very sleep-deprived. I'm ready for a dip in he hot tub..oh, wait that's broken! Yeah, I got to get the electrical heat unit replaced. After getting  a qoute, It would be cheaper to buy a new hot tub. Seriously, it would! 

But anyway, I've stressed myself down to 148.5 pounds. I don't eat when I'm stressed, I know kinda the opposite of most people, but that's how I am. I'm forcing the protein down though, just solid food and me are not doing so well. I'm scared that my ulcers might come back on me t this point, so I've resumed my prilosec just in case. No more endoscopes, please!!! Versed and twilight sleep turn me into a buffoon. I say the stupidiest stuff when I'm drugged up. It's probally why I don't like narcotics at all. Heck, I have to force myself to take Tylenol as it is. Alright, I'm rambling. 

So now I'm 6.5 pounds under goal weight. I oficialy wear a size 8 jean. That's what I'm talking about!!! My 10's are too big in the waist and butt. Makes me wonder what I'm gonna wear later, after the cabbose lift next month? A 6?  a 4?. Scary territory. Unknown territory too. Geeze, when I weighed 328, I was in a 26! It's very freaky deaky to me. I see ladies that get really small on here, but I never imagined that I could actually join that club. i've now lost 100% of my excess weight. Blows my mind! I just hope I can stay here. I'd like to get myself a 5-10 pound weight-pillow. You know. A little below where I want to be, just some extra reassurance that this is not some kind of fluke, a mean trick being played on me, you know what I mean? I know I'll never be one of those 19 BMI's. I got the bones of a T-rex here, it's not physically possble without totally starving myself. I don't want that. 

Despite the WLS, I still enjoy food. Just differently and in smaller portions. I'm a flavor-junkie now, as Tooter would call it.I live for the flavor. It's one reason why you will never see me eat jello or yogurt again. I had enough of that bland crap, no more. Give me spicy, give me sweet n sour, give me savory.

My mom started chemo again this week. It's been really tough on her. She's really sick and she can't even get out of bed. I spent 2 days this week taking her to the clinic, so I haven't really been around much except at night. So if your wondering where I have been, that's why. 

I've never her seen her this down and depressed. even the first time go around with chemo, she always kept her spirits up. I scared that she might not make it this time around. I pray that the way I'm feeling is just a "bad day" and not a permanent attitude. I just can't lose her. I've already lost Joe and Dad. If she's gone, I'll have nobody. Dylan will not have any grandparents or a daddy. He's already scared about me having another round of plastics and some days I feel like calling the whole thing off. His mental well-being is more important that my saggy butt and thighs. I don't know what to do sometimes? people tell me I'm a strong person, but I sure don't feel like one. The stress is really starting to get to me. I lay awake at night with all these thoughts running through my head, mostly bad thoughts. I hate not knowing what the future is going to be like.

 Mom is already making plans to put me on the deed to the house and to will most of her stuff to me. That way my brother can't fight me for it. He doesn't deserve it anyway. We never see him, he never calls. It's a shame and it makes mom even more depressed that her only son doesn't seem to care enough to call her. For me, it pisses me off. I'm close to cutting him out of my life over this. I don't take stuff like that very lightly. I'm not the kind of person to cut off family. But he's not much of one to begin with. 

So, the only thing I'm planning, is finishing school and helping mom get through this. She wants to be well enough to go to Europe in June. I want her to finally see Italy. It's the one thing she's always wanted to do. I have to help her get there. So please keep my mom, Joan, in your prayers.

Ok, I went into David's Bridal yesterday to look for a dress for the Disco Ball that they are having at the Richmond Conference. I also am going on a Mediteranean cruise in June, so I thought "what the heck" Lets get some dresses. I only intended to buy one, and on sale too. I ended up coming out of the store with 3!!! Two black ones and a peachy formal. Yikes, I've lost my mind. I got to stop buying stuff, just because I can fit into it.  None of the dresses are really "Disco" either. But since I dropped the cash (the peach one was a steal btw, 70% off!), I'm wearing one of them anyway. The long black number with the Rhinestones is the Sexiest damn dress you'd ever see. My mom told me that if my husband was alive he probally would forbid me to wear it! Vava vavoom type of dress! That's probally why I bought it. When your fat, you stuck wearing dowdy clothes. They don't make "hot" clothes for larger ladies that are particularly attractve or flattering. It sucks because I know larger ladies that are truly beautiful and they deserve nice clothing that is not gonna cost them an arm and a leg to buy. 

So besides the dresses, I now need underwear. Yeah, I'm having the lift in February and my lower body is gonna change somewhat, but I still need underwear. Can't get around that one. I don't think my shape will change too dramatically. This is a pull em' up, iron-out the sharpei wrinkles kinda surgery. I know I'll end up with a flattened rear end and maybe 2 inches off the hips, if I'm lucky. That big bone structure does not work in my favor. If I lay down naked, I have a pool of extra skin from my thighs and buttocks around me. IT's easier to envision what I'll look like in about 6 months (You swell for about 6 months after). I'm wearing a 8 jean now. At least in te TINT brand jean and dress slacks. It blows my mind. I still reach for the larger sizes too. It's a hard thing for me to wrap my head around. In many ways I still see myself as a "Fat Chick". I know, get over it! 

So, for now, no more buying of clothes. Not until I need stuff for spring and summer. I'm gonna make do with what I have. I have a feeling I'll be back in size tens while I'm recovering from the Lift, so I'm not gonna waste my money on jeans and pants until I recover. I have a feeling I'm gonna be living in dresses, skirts and sweatpants for awhile anyway. I will say, for the first time ever, I'm thrilled to see spring and summer come. with a flat tummy and better looking thighs, I may actually be able to wear more skin-revealing clothing. I don't wear shorts at all. It's capri pants for me in the summer. So maybe I'll actually buy my first pair this year!

So, ladies, even after you loose the weight, head issues still exist. I'll probally always have them. After being so unsatisfied about the way I looked for so long, it's difficult to see yourself any other way. I am working on changing my attitude, but it's still difficult. I still have "fat days" where I feel like a "fat girl" again. I'm not sure that feeling will ever disappear.

Well my trip was almost perfect but as most of my vacations go they always end kinda bad. It didn't end as bad as the last one but we did spend nearly 3 hours in the Long-term parking at Norfolk airport trying to get my mom's Toyota started. Had to call a tow trunk and pay $50 to have it started. UGH! this was a very expensive vacation. Everytime I turned around I had to hand out tips to people. I think I spent $500 bucks on tipping and cab rides in NYC. It was ridiculous.

 So, Boston was great. Got my  Chowdah' at least twice. We visited Old Ironsides AKA USS Constitution. Pretty cool ship. Shopped at Quincy Market and ate at Durgin Park. I also found the cleanest parking garage on earth. It was so clean you could eat off the concrete in there, I'm not kidding! Boston is a very neat town. I wish we were able to spend more time there, maybe next time.

Christmas was "Cry" free this year. We didn't discuss anything sad. Just had a nice relaxing, drama-free day. We went to a polynesian show while we were there. Cheesy but very cool and besides I finally had my Maine Lobster. Haven't had any in years. It was delicious and we made Lobster Rolls with the leftovers we brought home. Delicious!

The day after Christmas we flew from Logan to LaGuardia. We had to change our flight because the original flight was moved back a whole hour and we didn't get enough notice. It worked out better for us, we had more time to spend with my Aunt Rosie, who Dylan absolutely adores. 

We got to LaGuardia and hired a TownCar to take us to the city. Cost me a fortune. A cab would have been cheaper. We had a lot of bags, I probally spent $140 bucks before we even got to our hotel. Between the skycap, the porter, the driver and the luggage guy at the hotel. I told you it was expensive!

We stayed at the Westin on 43rd Street, about a long block from times square and the Hard Rock Cafe. Times Square, as always was mobbed with people. Like a cattle call. It's worse at the holidays. We ate at Planet Hollywood our first night. Dylan likes the place because of all th Sci-fi stuff. They have a Darth Vader and Chewbacca costume which pretty much made his day. We then did some shopping. Stopped at the amzing 3 story Toys-r-us. Lines were long though because it was the day after Christmas. We bought a few things for him and headed over to the Rock Shop and I bought a shot glass and a T-Shirt.  We were tired and headed back to the hotel to relax. It's a nice hotel, don't know if it was worth the price I paid. Even by NYC standards, I think it was overpriced. Next timewe are staying away from Times Square. Maybe stay closer to West 51st. I missed alot of the good shopping.

Next day we headed out. We had breakfast at McDonalds at Times Square. I had an Egg mcmuffin with half the bun. I never eat fast food anymore, so I wasn't too happy about the choice. The coffee was awful. I have to say that I must be a coffee snob now. I had maybe 2 cups of decent coffee while I was gone. Once at the Polynesian place and a SF Vanilla Latte from Starbucks. Everything else was bad! Too bitter or strong or too hot.  So today we went to the NY Public Library. they have a beautiful Display of Asian Art in books and paper. Stunning stuff to see. Dylan and I walkied up to the dome and walked around. I think I was more impressed then him, but I do like libraries. Bought some stuff in the shop. I got a beautiful leather journal for my trip to Europe and bought Dylan a dinosaur book. He was happy. 
After the library we headed up 5th avenue, stopped at a Barnes and Noble and made our way to Radio City Music hall, stopping at Rockefeller center on the way. We saw the Rockettes show. It was good. Mom loved it! I could see it once and that would be fine for me. Again, overpriced in my opinion. We then did some more 5th avenue shopping before walking back the 8 or 9 blocks to the hotel. Mom did pretty good with walking depspite the problems with her legs. The cancer has really effected the nerves in her right leg. Makes walking difficult. I walked slow though.  We ate at Shula's Steak house. Fantastic Food. Mom and I shared a meal, it was still too much food. First time I've very had a $40 dollar steak, a $8 baked potato and Dylan had a $9 kraft mac-n-cheese. Are you keeping a tab on the cost of this trip yet? 

So mom and Dylna stayed at the hotel while I went down to the sephora store to get my goodies. I'm a makeup whore. I admit it. I like good quality skin care and makeup. this place was like mecca for me. I came out with a big dent in wallet but happy. I headed over to the Virgin Superstore, got some cheap cd's and new headphones for my iPod and walked back to the hotel. I took a side trip and walked through the Theater District. 

So, next day was our sightseeing day.  It started with Dylan falling down and knocking out his front tooth (It was already loose though). He talks with a listp now (lol). We ate breakfast at Maxine's on Broadway. A little greasy but ok. Coffee was decent but not great. Had good atmosphere though. We next went to buy subway tickets. I was apphrensive about the subway, mostly because mom was not walking well at this point. It was a longwalk to the "C" train. Too long. then we got on the express instead of the local and ended up going too far and had to get off and catch the local train to 81st street. 

We got to the Musuem of natural History where every family with kids in NYC decided to go that day. I was actually ready to have a panic attack from the crowds. I took Dylan around, mom stayed on the 2nd floor and we made our way to the "stuffed Dead things" room. Yeah, lot's of Dead stuff in this museum. Dead and stuffed pretty much sums it up. Dylan loved it though. We did get to the Teddy Roosevelt stuff that's in the "Night at the Museum" movie. So that was cool. The fourth floor has all the Dinosaurs, I took tons of pics for Dylan up there and some nice Central Park pics from the rotunda. I'd like to go back when it is less crowded though. We left the musuem and headed up to catch a cab. We stopped and bought some of those yummy sugared nuts and drinks. We got picked up by a korean cab driver who probally could drive Nascar. It was scary but mom and I can laugh about  our "NYC Cab" experience. We ended our day at the Empire State Building. It didn't take long for mom and I to get up there because she was handicapped. they let us take the "short" line. Which was good, because she would have not been able to stand in line that long. 

the views were pretty good. I hadn't been up there in 11 years. I have a pic with me in it with the twin towers behind my head. It doesn't look the same anymore. It was kinda sad for me. I'm sure for other people too. The skyline is just not the same. 

So we walked back to the hotel. Stopping along the way, so mom could rest. She was really having a hard time. I felt bad for her. She really needs to get on some different meds for the nerve pain. So we stopped at had some cheap pizza at a local joint (It was good and cheap, my favorite). We then got ready for "Wicked". 

Wicked was fantastic! It's at the Gershwin Theater on West 51st street. the theater is not as opulant as the Majestic, but almost all the seats were good seats and I was impressed with Ana Gasteyer. She really has a fantastic voice. Most people only know her from SNL, but she was fabulous and definitely has a broadway voice. We walked back to the hotel. Stopped bought some last minute souveniers and colapsed from exhaustion. We left for JFK the next day and was delayed by almost an hour. We ended up on a prop jet (joy!). So, here's where the almost perfect vacation turned bad. Got all the luggage in the car, thrilled to be home. The car would not start. Dead as  a fish on Friday. We tried unsuccessfully to get it jumped and called a tow trunk who had a powerful battery and cost me $50 bucks. Yep, more money. I think I spent a million dollars this past week. At least it felt that way. I'm not a cheap person, but the money I spent was ridiculous. We finally got home about 7 pm. Got the dogs out the kennel and went directly to bed. I'm still tired. I need a recovery vacation form my vacation!

Yep, that's a Size 6 Dress and I'm now 5 pounds under goal-weight. Life is good!