The beginning....

I started this journey in January 2007 after having dinner with a close friend who had WLS the previous May.  After convincing my husband that I would not die from the procedure, I met with her surgeon and began the process.

March 2007:  I first met with the surgeon and my PCP for my monthly weigh ins and diet history.

Summer 2007:  I met with the psychologist for my psych consult, several visits with the nutritionist and continued to meet with my PCP for my monthly check ups.

Fall 2007:  I had my stress test done, my Upper GI done, my ultrasound completed and met one last time with my nutritionist prior to submitting to the insurance.

November 6, 2007I AM APPROVED FOR SURGERY!!!

December 10, 2007: One final appointment with the surgeon, then off to have 17 freaking tubes of blood drawn, have a chest xray and EKG done; surgery finally scheduled for Thursday, December 20, 2007!!!

December 20, 2007:
  Entered Magee Women's Hospital at 5:45 AM for surgery at 8:30.  A lot of waiting, but before I knew it, I was in the OR looking up at the nurses and the anesthesiologist, waiting to put me under.  No complications, easy as pie!!!

December 22, 2007:  Released from hospital, a little groggy and a little sore, but anxious to get home.

Christmas 2007 was spent on the couch, but well worth it in the end.....I'll catch up with everyone next year!!!

New Year's Eve 2007  was spent sitting up in the comfortable chair with my feet up, sipping pureed bean and bacon soup watching TV!  We can go out partying next year!!!

January 7, 2008:  First day back to work at my school.  On top of
recovering from surgery, I have a horrible cold and can't really take anything.  I have never been so wiped out and miserable in my life!!!

January 14, 2008:  Return to part-time job at the local dry cleaner's after school.  Not too bad....I only worked 4-7:30 so I wasn't too exhausted.

January 24, 2008First day back to the barn to ride arms and shoulders are absolutely killing me after 25 minutes of riding.  It's obvious that no one really spent any serious time on him during my 6 week hiatus!!!

January 31, 2008: Met with the doctor for my 6 week checkup and all was good.  I also got my B12 shot which will make me feel better.  I lost 25 pounds so far, according to her scale (I am a few pounds lighter according to my scale)  Everything is going as well as expected.....and best of all, I can say goodbye to those freaking purees!!!!!

February 1, 2008:  Ventured out for dinner tonight.  We decided on Cracker Barrel and I selected the ham, mashed potatoes, and green beans with water to sip on.  I ate about 1/4 of the ham, had 3 bites of beans, and 2 bites of potatoes and took the rest home.  I didn't have any problems and best of all....I had lunch/dinner the next day!  I think we'll try Bob Evans the next time so I can get turkey and gravy. 

Easter weekend~ March 20-24, 2008:  First camping trip with Eric for 2008.  Since Easter is early this year, of course it's still cold here in Western Pennsylvania, but not to worry....camping for us is life in a 25 foot Coachmen trailer, including wireless internet, TV, and heat!!! Did some shopping at Cabelea's today, ate out a few times without too many problems and for Easter dinner this's off to Cracker Barrel for ham, potatoes and green beans!!!! YUMMEE!!!

April 25, 2008:  My father passed away.  It was sudden although it was not a surprise, as he was very sick and not really getting any better.  He was on his way to congestive heart failure plus he had COPD, circulatory issues with his legs, and severe back pains.  Plus he was a heavy drinker and a heavy smoker who should have been on oxygen all the time, which he wasn't.  I love my father immensely, however much of the weight I gained was due to the stress eating that I did in response to him.  There were many incidents between my brother and my father that caused me stress, many violent fights between my father and his then girlfriend that caused me stress, and just coping with a man who didn't take very good care of himself caused me stress.  Although I am relieved that the stress is gone, I still wish my dad was with us now.  I don't know how I will be without he was a key figure in my life, but I will hold my head up high and do my best to take care of myself for the future.

May 25, 2008:  One month since my father died.  One month since I saw him in his apartment and begged him to go to the hospital and even threatened to call the paramedics.  One month since I got that unforgettable phone call from his friend telling me the news.  It's all so hard to's so hard to swallow the fact that my dad is gone, but I must, somehow.  The main reason that I am posting this about my dad is because I really have not been taking care of myself since his death.  I know that...and my numbers on the scale show it.  The funny thing is is that more and more people are noticing my weight loss every day at work and in the neighborhood.  I just wish I could take better care of myself instead of wasting more and more time by sitting around and eating things that I know I shouldn't even look at, let alone put in my mouth.  This morning I came to the (possible) realization that I may just fail with this WLS thing....that's how insecure I feel about all of it.  Somehow I have to get a grip and get myself back on track.  I am going to look for a support group that I can attend....maybe that will help me get on track and stay there.  I'm sure I am not the only one who has gotten off track for whatever reason is very painful, but I can't let that ruin my goals and dreams.  That's all I have for now....pretty grim and depressing but it's only been a month without my father.

June 29, 2008:  Another 30 days without my father.  Some days are okay and some days aren't.  Everyone has been so supportive on OH, but I fear that it is going to get worst for me.  I have been doing a lot of emotional eating.  I know it....I see it coming....I understand why it's happening.....but I can't control it.  I'm afraid that secretly I am sabotaging my own desire to be thin.  Months before my surgery journey, I described myself as a dual that embraces my weight loss efforts and one that completely sabotages everything I try to do.  I fear that it is happening again....slowly, but it seems to be happening.  I have to get things under control NOW!!! 

On a lighter note, I am impressed and ecstatic with my new size of pants....16 misses.  That's right...I said MISSES!!! NOT PLUS-SIZE...NOT WOMENS....but MISSES.  WOO-HOO!!! I was wandering around Kohls yesterday ready to just settle on 16W that were already falling off of me in the dressing room when I ventured into misses and figured, why not??? So I just slipped right into them and now my dislike for shopping has evolved into a pleasant experience.  Yeah me!!!!

I have been walking more in the mornings but can't get into the habit of doing it everyday.  My goal for this week is to walk 5 days this matter what!!!!  I need to do it for my legs because that's where I need the most work, so I must get moving.

July 23, 2008:  WELCOME TO ONEDERLAND!!!!! PLEASE ENJOY YOUR STAY!!!  Yep, that's right....I've arrived in ONEDERLAND!Finally, under 200 pounds~ it's been several years since I've been here, and I plan to stay here for a long, long time!!!!

July 25, 2008:  3 months without my dad.....still hard to believe.  I often think about just picking up the phone because I remember to tell him something then it really hits me.  Even though it's hard to deal with, I still believe that I am handling it very well.  Every once in awhile something will sneak up on me and it will all hit me, but overall, I'm coping as well as I can. 

August 2008:  So my dream has come true~ I was hired as an assistant principal at Penn Hills Senior High School, which is the high school in the district that I've worked in for 8 years.    Becoming a principal is one thing that I really worked hard to achieve; I worked extremely hard to complete my master's degree and principal certification within 2 years while working full-time; I studied and studied for the PRAXIS exam that I had to pass in order to earn my administrative certificate so I could get a job; I interviewed and interviewed (14 last summer alone!) with any school district who gave me the time of day and finally I landed this job.  The only regret I have is that my dad is not alive to share this with me.  He was such an instrumental part of my earning my master's degree  and I know he would be beaming with pride had he been here to share in my joy.  So I quietly celebrate my accomplishment, knowing that I had my goal in sight and kept working hard, pushing myself to reach that, hooray to me~ I am proud of myself!

September 2008:  Well, I am adjusting to my new position as associate principal.  Luckily I have 4 years experience as an administrative assistant which in my district means that in addition to teaching duties, I work closely with a grade level principal (in my case, 7th grade) and I basically handle a lot of discipline and minor situations.  Moving into a principal's position was smoother than I thought and a lot of the kids that I've dealt with and/or taught in the middle school are now in the high school and most were happy to see me.  Some weren't so happy, but that's their problem!  Thankfully, I am only responsible for students with the last name A - F but that still keeps me busy.  I am quickly learning that being a principal involves so much more than just dealing with discipline and breaking up fights!  I am learning about special education laws, parental concerns, teacher observations, and organization real fast.  It's challenging but I am far from being overwhelmed and turned off from the job.  Let's hope the bubble doesn't burst too soon!

October 24, 2008:  So tomorrow will be the six month anniversary of my father's death.  I'm very sad about that; I seem to get sadder day by day.  Just the past few weeks, something has happened.  I've been dreaming about my dad, dreaming about the events following his death, dreaming about his sisters and parents and even a few of his friends at different times.  I'm trying to keep my emotions under control, especially at work, and trying to keep my depression to a minimum.  Work is becoming more and more demanding and I'm feeling more and more stressed.  That's to be expected....I mean, the first month of school isn't known as the "honeymoon" for nothing.  My kids seem to be doing okay, for whatever reason.  Maybe they just don't want to deal with Mrs. Jackson and are really thinking about consequences prior to actions...but most likely no.  I'm just lucking out, I think.  Despite my stress level at work, I continue to eat as well as I can, although there are days when I just cannot keep anything out of my mouth and there are days when doing the slightest bit of exercise just seems impossible to me.  I guess that struggle will always be there and I'm willing to deal with it.  I continue to remind myself where I was 6, 9, and 12 months ago.  I continue to promise myself that I will not return to that old me.  I will not....despite my pain, my emotional state, my borderline depression.....I will not return to that person.  I promise myself. 

December 7, 2008:  Where has the time gone?  Hard to believe that Christmas is less than 3 weeks away and I am just shy of 2 weeks away from my SURGIVERSARY!!! HMMMMMM....I always expected to be at the 100 pound mark when I reached that date....but I have to be happy with my progress so far.  I'm really not pleased with my progress at this point; I WAS PLEASED BUT RECENTLY NOT SO MUCH.  I'm actually getting very disgusted with myself and very impatient with the whole thing.  I am becoming very frustrated, far too frustrated with myself and my weight loss.  I am becoming negative and insecure about my weight loss and success seems further and further away day by day. 

To tell the truth, I am becoming overwhelmed with my life.  There are things going on in my life that I cannot control and that makes me feel overwhelmed.  I am just consumed with helplessness at times; I am just consumed with the thoughts that I cannot control my eating or my weight loss.  I know right now I am consumed by my financial status.  Eric and I are probably going to file for bankruptcy, only because it has just gotten out of control and that seems to be the only answer at this point.  I am responsible for our financial situation solely because Eric trusted me to handle the bills and take care of our finances and I just couldn't do that.  I've always said that the two things I have no control over in my life is 1) my weight and 2) my finances.  I was hopeful that having surgery would help me to control my weight and hopeful that getting a better job would help my money situation; 1 out of 2 isn't bad, but I'm not certain that that will remain true in the future.

The other thing that is just consuming me is the loss of my horse, Andre, who was put down on Friday, December 5 from colic. Andre and I have been together for over 7 years and the progress that we have made is just remarkable.  I know that he got out of me just as much as I got out of him.  When I started riding him back in March, 2001 he was just a stiff old draft horse that had little bend and two and faster.  It took me months before we could even trot a steady pace; it took me another 8 months before cantering was even attempted.  Ride after ride, a partnership was formed.  Trust was built as days became months and months became years.  Season after season, he did everything that I asked, even though he wasn't always sure what I wanted from him.  He was willing to try it and I was willing to keep trying.  Eventually he was ready for the show ring and away we went.  He stepped onto the trailer like it was nothing and he marched into the ring like a champion.  Although he wasn't a dressage horse, we did very well in our classes and won many ribbons, but knowing what I accomplished with this big draft was all the prize I needed. 

Andre helped me gain my confidence back that I had lost from several falls years ago.  He gave me a reason to set goals and figure out what I wanted to really accomplish while at the barn.  He was a great companion, although he couldn't actually talk to me, he understood me and most importantly, he responded to me.  He knew my voice, my knew my face, and he knew how to take treats without biting me too hard.  I remember when I returned to the barn after 8 weeks of hiatus for my surgery last year.  As soon as I called his name in the barn, he began to nicker at me.  As soon as he saw me, his ears went up and he moved to the door - waiting for me to come in and rub his ears and neck.  He rubbed against me and begged for treats, like always.  That was the proof that we had a partnership and an undescribable bond.  He will always be in my heart.

December 20, 2008:  HAPPY SURGIVERSARY TO ME!!!! I am almost down 80 pounds.  I should be down more, but I have to be happy with what I have done thus far.  I expected and hoped to be down 100 pounds at this point, but I'm not and I can't do anything about it.  I must be happy with where I am....there's no two ways about it.....I must find satisfaction with being under 200 pounds.......forever!!!!!

January 2009:  WELCOME 2009!!!!!! So it's a new year...a new perspective.....a new start to a continuous battle that seems to never lessen, never improve, never change.  The only thing that changed was that now I have a pouch instead of a stomach and now my intestinal tract is somewhat altered forever.  I am finding out that I can in fact eat my way out of my pouch; I am finding out that just because I've had surgery, I can and will still eat myself into oblivion; I am finding out that my emotional health has the potential to undo all of my successes, regardless of how remotely minor they seem to be to me and me alone.  I have been looking at myself lately in the mirror and seeing someone who still has so much weight to lose; someone who will never reach the goal that I continue to adjust just so I can actually feel successful.  Yet despite those moments when I see that fat person in the mirror that I cannot stand to look at, I can get into clothes that I thought I would never fit into; those size 12 and 14 jeans that have been collecting dust in my closet for years, I finally fit into those jeans, even though I feel like a stuffed pig. 

192...193...194...195....These are the numbers on the scale that taunt me day after day.  Each morning I hop on that scale once, twice, three times, ten times to see if those numbers will change for the better.  I was told from the beginning not to live by the not even get on a scale, yet I've done it and will continue to do it as a way to torture myself perhaps....each morning the ritualistic weigh in goes on......until I reach a number that truly satisfies me.  

I have made some changes now that 2009 is here.  I have switched my exercise from riding my recumbant bike every night to doing the Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds series for a few weeks to see if that happens.  I  really need to join a gym to increase my exercise and to get some weight training in but right now the money just isn't there for me to do that.  I wonder if I had the money, if I'd find another excuse to not do it....I guess some things never change.  I am trying to give up carbs as much as possibe, at least crackers and pretzels and things like that.  I have been tracking my food on and actually staying under the calorie goal.  I've also been moving around more at work~ getting out of my office more and walking the halls more just to get in a litle more  movement.  I do feel like I am making positive changes for a new me in a new year. 

So I won't give up.....despite my moments of self-abuse and beating myself up all too often.  I will remain positive and focused and continue to move forward, despite my moments of backsliding.  I will keep myself on track and when I can't, I will not beat myself up over it.  Life goes on...and on....and on....just one moment at a time is all that it is about.  Really, it is just a movie....that's what my dad used to say to me!

February 26, 2009:  I have been overcome with frustration the past month or so since I have last posted.  The frustration is from the fact that despite my ongoing efforts to do right by my pouch, I continue to let it down.  I did manage to put away the scale for 2 weeks and was surprised, not pleasantly, that my numbers changed by 2.5 pounds, but only to discover that the numbers went right back up the next week.  So here I am today.....teetering between 192 and 194; back and forth, back and forth.  I have managed to set up a regular exercise regimine of riding my bike 6 miles a day, as many days a week as I can fit in with my crazy schedule.  Tiredness, soreness, frustration and boredom are no excuse!  I make myself get on that bike, no matter what.  I don't see much of a change, so I don't know how much longer I can continue to make myself believe that it is worth it, which is really key here.  If I exercise and see some result, I'm hooked.  If I don't see any results, forget it, I just can't make myself believe that it is worth it in the end.  Like walking.....I was walking often, almost every day without seeing any results, so I lost interest.  Like Curves, long before my surgery, I was going 3-4 days a week religiously.....well, I ended up gaining weight going there, so I quit.  Just simply lost the spark.  So what do I do to regain that spark???? Who the hell knows! But I have to keep moving....spark or no spark, I just have to move.     

I have not been tracking on like I said I would early in 2009.  I've just lost the time between work and here at home.  There are days when I have trouble keeping up with the daily grind of going to work everyday and taking care of the house and remembering to not neglect my husband's "needs" which are often set aside.  So I guess my excuse for the month is I just don't have the I didn't feel like the dailyplate thing was really doing me any good, which puts it in the same category of why exercising often gets bagged.  What is the perfect equation for my success??? I just don't know yet but DAMMIT, I WILL NOT GIVE UP.  I REPEAT, I WILL NOT GIVE UP!

March, 2009:   It's been a pretty good month, I must say.  We went to Las Vegas for my husband's family reunion and I absolutely fell in love with Vegas.  The gambling part and the free alcohol in the casinos didn't hurt either...  We will be going back there again next winter.....cannot wait!  I did a lot of walking and figured I'd come home down a few pounds and it didn't happen, but I didn't gain a pound either, so I really can't complain because I did do some serious eating while I was there....lots of good protein like steak, yummy!!! Once we came home and reality set in, it was back to work and back to the grind again.  I never do well with the return from a vacation and the return to work thing.  Saint Patrick's Day was very hard on me this year since it was the first year without my father.  It just felt like something was missing....he was missing!  March was an okay month but I didn't lose any weight.  I'm just staying the same and it's getting on my nerves!

April, 2009: 
This was a hard month for me emotionally.  Actually it was a hard month for me emotionally, financially, and professionally.  So for the emotional part of the difficulty:  Last April my father died and I've been dreading April 25's arrival all year.  I even took a personal day on April 24 to prepare for the sadness and mourning.  Not much happened, to my surprise on April 24.  Or April 25, for that matter.  I was sad...I was thinking about my dad, but I wasn't hysterical.  I wasn't sobbing.   I was maintaining.  Then for some reason, April 27 just knocked me on my ass and I just had a breakdown.  I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for almost 30 minutes.  That's when I knew that I still had lots of sadness in me and I should never underestimate the power of sadness because it can and it will knock you on your ass!!! 

Financially April was hard because of taxes.  We have owed taxes for 3 years now and it's pretty depressing knowing that we make a nice amount of money but still can't pay what we owe Uncle Sam.  It also upsets me because I think of all those people who are fortunate to have children and get all this money back thanks to the child credit and I feel that I am punished because I can't have kids of my own.  Tax day just sucks ass but I won't have to worry about it again until next April.

Professionally April was hard because in all the years that I've worked in a public school as a teacher and administrator, there's never been a loaded gun in the building where I worked.  There have been weapons in the past but not a loaded gun.  Well, a kid brought a gun into the building, had it with him all morning long and ended up dropping it in the hall before heading out of the building.  A teacher found the gun in the hall, thankfully and brought it to me.  Yes,  I had this gun in my hand...obviously before I knew it was real, and loaded.....and that freaks me out, still today.  The staff has been spooked by one student bringing in this gun, students have been spooked and frankly, so have I.  It shouldn't surprise me like it does, but it does....just thinking about what could have happened on my watch as a school administrator just bothers me to the core. The whole thing didn't help my attempt to control my stress and emotional eating either.  Couldl this be yet another reason for me to sabotage my progress?  Maybe.

On a positive note:  I did join Curves  and have been going about 3 days a week.  I have really been working out hard and doing lots of legs/knee lifts in between stations.  Yeah....and I've gained 6 pounds since I started.  Yep! Then the pounds came back off but never below 193.  So I'm working out more...still doing 6 miles a couple times a week in between and still stuck in the 190s.  Pissing me off....just pissing me off!!!!

May 1, 2009:  So March and April has come and gone, hard to believe.  May is here, the weather is breaking and well, I just weeks away from the dreaded shorts/swimsuit season.  I still have jumbo thighs, that's all I have left to lose, to tell the truth.  I have about 30 pounds to lose and they are all on my damn thighs! I feel when people find out that I lost over 80 pounds, they eye up my legs and doubt I lost a pound.  I know these thoughts are all in my mind, but I still I judged by the size of my thighs, calfs, hips and ass?  Well my ass isn't so bad, but my legs have got to go.  Maybe one day I'll wake up and they'll just be
gone!?!?! Doubt it!!!
July 2009:  MY BIRTHDAY MONTH!!!   I turned 40 on July 16  and although I usually do not handle my birthdays all that well, I did pretty good this year.  We went to Lake Erie for a couple of days, stayed in a brand new Sheraton Hotel, and went to the casino for a couple nights of slots playing.  Could this be my new transfer addiction? I think I'd love to play the slots even without RNY surgery so I'll say no to that question.  I know I am addicted to having money and spending money which is why playing the slots is exciting because the chance is there that I will get more money.....but honestly, I'm not sneaking out to the local casino in the middle of the night to get my fix and I'm not blowing our bill budget, so I'll stick to my first answer....NO!!!

This summer is simply flying by.  The garden is doing well....probably our best one yet; the flowers are in bloom and the yard looks fantastic.  This is the first summer that I'm working as a principal and it sucks, but not as bad as I thought it would suck, if that makes sense!  I expected to give my summers up when I got my principal papers but thought I'd be busier than I've been at work.  Frankly, there's not much going on at work right now and it makes the day just drrraaaggggg!  I think I'd feel better if I had more to do in my office but there's just not anything going on, for now. 

We're not taking a vacation this year because we went to Vegas in March and we are planning on going again in 2010.  Eric just doesn't have the vacation time like I do so instead we took a couple of mini-vacations.  I did go to Lexington, VA for 5 days with the girls from the barn.  They rode in a big dressage show and I went as a groom/spectator.  It was nice to get away but I still miss having a real vacation at the beach or something like we always took....but maybe next summer. 

My weight loss has completely stopped and I guess I have to accept the fact that this is where I'm at.  I'm not happy about it but nothing is changing.  To reactivate my weight loss, I've almost completely given up carbs, added more carbs, added more protein during the day, added more water, added more exercise and all it does is go up....then down a couple of pounds.....then up....then down again.....but nothing under 190.  I don't think I'll get under 190 now I just have to keep from going up to 200.  I try to feel accomplished but let's be honest here....I don't feel accomplished at all.  I feel like I have so much more to lose in order to have that feeling sense of accomplishment.....and I still feel like people look at me and see me as fat, mostly because my legs are still big.  Aweful, but that's the truth.  I have 30 more pounds I want to lose and every last ounce is on my thighs!  Just drives me nuts!!!

So that's my update for now.  I am fairly happy with my life right now......would be really happy if someone will come and cut the fat off my legs....but since that won't happen anytime soon, I'll settle for where I'm at now.  I am 40 years old and healthier and better looking than I was in my 30s!  I will focus on that....focus on my health and happiness....and not focus so much on my tree-trunk legs!

November 1, 2009:  
Summer is gone, autumn is half over and my plateau has finally broken!!!! I have lost about 11 pounds over the past couple of weeks and pleased to say that I am again out of the 190s.  There have been a few things going on with Eric and I and frankly I don't know if we will make it or not.  I have been lightly thinking about separating but just haven't had the energy to initiate that.  Eric has issues with other women and I have issues with that.  I do believe that he will repeat his behavior after enough time passes and that is what makes me want to take the step toward separation.  The bottom line is that I don't want to be alone again even though I am so more independent than I was years ago before I met Eric.  This is hard and I want to make the right decision.  Regardless of what happens, I will not lose sight of my goals; I will not return to that person that I was before WLS. I am and will remain strong through it all, despite what the future brings my way.   I will be focused and happy and determined. 

December 29, 2009: 
So much has gone on in this month.  Eric and I continue to take things one day at a time; there are more days that I want to be away from him than days that I want to be with him, to tell the truth.  My 2 year surgiversary came and went without much thought.  I remember last year's surgiversary vividly...Eric had gotten me roses and I was so proud to tell people that I was 1 year post-op; this year the day simply arrived and before we knew it, it was gone.  Eric admitted that he forgot; I had to admit the same.  For some reason, all of the other things bogging us down were more consuming this year.  Regardless....happy 2 year surgiversary to me!!!!!

So 2009 is ready to come to a close and I really haven't thought much about the past 12 months....sometimes I feel like there's nothing worthy to ponder, but that's not true...that's never true.  12 months of one's life gives so much to recall, to reflect upon, to cry over, to laugh about, and so on and so on.  These past 12 months have been relatively good for me....I remain in good health and although I still have not reached my "goal weight", I have been going to the gym on a regular basis and getting in better shape than I've ever been, despite what that damn number says.  Now that I am in good shape physically, it's time that I get in better shape emotionally, especially in regards to my marriage and what I really want in a relationship.  I know that getting in physical shape is much easier than figuring out my emotional needs~ I just don't know what I'm going to do.  So I'll leave 2009 with this thought......I never thought that at 40 years old, after 10 years of a wonderful marriage- that the bottom would just drop out and another person would come between what I have now and what I think I really want.  The bottom has certainly dropped out and although this other person probably isn't the person I am supposed to be with, I can't help but wonder who is.  So at the end of 2009, I ask myself this....what direction shall I go?? Only time will tell.  So 2010, here I come!!!

October 27, 2010: Wow....what direction shall I go??? Well, if crazy is a direction, that's where I'm heading.  I have gone completely off the rails but with all that has happened, no one would be shocked.  I will try to paraphrase the past 10 months the best way I's almost too much to take in but this is my current situation and for the most part, I'd do it all again if given the chance.  January, February and March were months that set the tone for the rest of 2010.  I had a couple of affairs with men that I met on-line and I tried to hide them from my husband but eventually he figured it out.  I was rejuvenated by the thought of a man wanting me again and the thought that I indeed was sexy.  This opened a huge door for me and once I crossed through that door, I haven't been the same person since.  Eric did confront me about my activities and even suggested an open marriage but chose not to go that direction.  Things were quickly going to hell for us but I had no idea what was lying ahead for me.
On April 29 I was suspended from my job without pay for allegedly making racial comments, which is simply not the case.  Before I knew it, I was fighting for my job and simply had to accept the 39 days without pay because I couldn't get into a major litigation unless I was fired and luckily I wasn't.  I spent the rest of the school year at home, pinching pennies and trying to stay healthy.  The bright side of this is that I didn't climb into a vodka bottle like I anticipated....the other bright side is that I met a wonderful man during this time and although he lives in Ohio and we only see each other weekly, he has opened my eyes to what still lies out there for me.  He's also given me a reason to step away from my husband and take a different direction in my life.  I continue to repeat the phrase "everything happens for a reason" and although Eric and I continue to live together, I know that my heart is really in Ohio.  I'm considering relocating to Ohio, simply because I cannot get a principal's job in the area I'm in now...the NAACP has been involved and there's been media coverage of the racial slur so I'm black listed at this point.  I'm willing to walk away from my house and my marriage because it's a new path and a new direction, although very uncertain and scary.
I had a wonderful summer with Tony....a trip to New Orleans, a trip to San Diego, many trips to Ohio and PA.....not sure where this is going to end up but I'm sticking with it for right now.

So my weight has gone up....I'm not surprised really, but I'm still trying to keep myself honest about and true to my weigh loss journey.  I don't want to be in the 200s but I am....I want to be back down to 185.  I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.  Gotta get back on track with nothing least with my weight.



It's been several years since I have been on this site and my life has drastically changed.  Let me update where I am in 2019:

  • My husband Eric and I ended up divorcing.  He has had many problems with fidelity and it just broke me.  I was in an extra-marital relationship once I decided that Eric and were over and I dated Tony from Cleveland for over 2 years.  For whatever reason, it slowly came to an end and I needed to stand on my own 2 feet.  My weight was around 205 and I was okay with that.


  • In 2012 my career as an administrator was challenged by several school board members (who were actually on the board in an effort to get rid of politics suck) and that also broke me.  After charges were brought againnst me, I hired a lawyer to fight for me but ultimately decided to step away from the toxic environment of the district.  I was certain that I would find a new job as an administrator but after 2 years of trying, I gave up and realized that my career as an educator was over.  I almost lost my house 3 times to foreclosure and finally in 2014 I retired and cashed out my PA state fund to save my house and buy a new car.  4 months after that, I started a teaching job with a cyber school with a decent salary and benefits so I was satisfied with that.  I was dating and living with a nice man who became my rock through the transitions.  I started smoking again from the stress and my weight was up to 230 but at least I was getting things in order again. 


  • June 2016: I was diagnosed with MS and all of the problems I was suffering while working at the school district prior was adding up and making sense.  As it turned out, the board was trying to fire me because of problems that were caused by the MS (severe fatigue, forgetfulness, anxiety, depression and uncontrollable mood swings....had I known then what I know now, I could have fallen into a huge cash settlement because of their violation of ADA but I didn't know I had MS then...)  My weight was about 235 but I thought I had it under control.


  • January 2019: Currently as of this morning, my weight is 257 and I am trying to figure out what is happening.  I have literally gained 10 pounds in 2 days; the only change is that I have been drinking a large amount of Crystal Lite iced tea in place of water and that must be it.  The sedentary lifestyle is not helping me and the limited mobility is a problem.  I no longer exercise but have joined Planet Fitness in an effort to do something.  Over the 2 years I have learned a lot about my body with MS and now know that if I do not move everyday, I will lose my mobility altogether.  I have monthly infusions to reduce the progression of MS and fear that the drug as added weight to my body.  I hardly eat anything, which is also a huge problem and I am certain that my metabolism has gone to shit.  I also suffer from uncontrollable anxiety, depression and yes, thoughts of suicide.  I am in therapy and soon will work with a psychiatrist to get my meds under control.  I am also in menopause so it seems like the planets have lined up to work against me.  I will be 50 in July and am determined to reinvent my life.starting with working out and getting my hormones straight.  I am still teaching French from home (a true blessing) as well as a part time job working for a Chinese company teaching English online (another blessing!)  I need to get back on hard and stay focused.  I know how helpful this site was before and although I have lost my way, I am back.  Any support or WL buddies on OH would be a bonus! 


About Me
Surgery Date
Dec 24, 2007
Member Since

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