eljayem

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Hello, just dropped by to say things are going great.  BMI is rocking along about 26-28.  Still fight with serving sizes, although that is improving, too. No significant health problems.  It's all good!

So the scale says 204 today. Since I started at 259, and I'm hoping for 150 as a permanent forever weight, I'm half-way there. I'm at numbers I haven't seen for 10 years, fitting easily into clothes I haven't seen in a while, either. I am aware now, that I no longer move with massiveness. I can pass for 'normal', whatever that is. My mother is no longer saying "but you have such a pretty face". There are actually times when I'm no longer the fattest person in the room, on the elevator, wherever.

I was hoping to get here before my three month mark (the 16th). Now my goal is to get to 197 before October 16th. That would put me half-way to my temporary goal of 135. Most WLS patients have bounceback of 10-20% when the nerves finish reconnecting in their stomachs, and they start experiencing real hunger again, combined with the ability to eat a wider variety of food. Of course, if you have severe emotional eating, you can always eat around the pouch, and some gain all their weight back. So I figure if I initially lose to 135 I can maybe settle at 150. Of course, if I lose to 150 and settle at 165, I'm perfectly okay with that, too. Depends on what my body wants to do.

I am also finally beginning to emotionally comprehend that the endorphine high I used to get off overeating is gone, never to return. Intellectually, I knew it before I had the surgery, but the more primitive part of my brain has finally caught up, and the sight of tasty food no longer brings the anticipation it used to. I believe this is how normal weight people feel about food. I used to think people that ordered a single taco at Taco Bell went home and really ate - now I am just beginning to see that when you eat for flavor, there is no point to eating three of them. Or even all of the first. I also see how you can miss meals, when my inner addict isn't jonesing for the overstuffed feeling.

And now for my big wow moment - My son's middle school is in what used to be the only school building for the town. The auditorium was built in the 1920's or 30's, and the seats are correspondingly narrow. Obesity wasn't a big problem 80 years ago! For the past few years, I have dreaded the auditorium events, because the seats were just uncomfortable for me. Well, at Wednesday night's welcome back to school meeting, I fit in the seat; even if my hips were touching on either side, I was no longer wedged in. I could turn my upper body to look behind me. I could breathe. Wow!

I am liberating myself from ugly clothes. And it is a liberation. All those dingy tee shirts, with the holes and the stains, are going when I find them. The casual shirts and pants that I kept because they covered the fat, not because they looked good or were comfortable. I cleaned 6 bags of clothes out of my closet yesterday, and I'm anxiously awaiting the moment when I can purge the next round.

It's funny, because a lot of WLS people talk about how it takes a while to shrink out of your first size, but you seem to gain speed dropping from a 20 whatever to about a 10, when it slows again. My theory: clothes made for heavy people usually have stretch in them - elastic waistbands, lycra in the weave - so you can continue to squeeze yourself in even when you shouldn't. So first, I had to drop from the size 26 I actually was to the size 24 I was wearing. I didn't have many 22s (or 24s for that matter - I was wearing out the four things that actually fit!). Now I'm in the 20s, which I actually have quite a few of - but I want to get rid of them. These are the clothes that I've had forever. The ones I grew out of, but couldn't believe I grew out of them, so I kept them thinking I'd drop the 20, or 30, or 40 pounds that I'd gained and I'd wear them again.

One of the things I'm really looking forward to is having the choice of clothes with the textures and colors I like, not because it actually fit over my flab.

I wrote this as an answer to a forum question, but it does express my thoughts at the moment. . .

I was so where you are now.  Too much was barely enough.  I felt like I deserved credit (and weight loss) for not eating the entire box of cereal (with a half gallon of milk) and only eating 3-4 cups (with a pint and a half of milk).  I never had an off switch - I only felt "full" if I was physically distended to the point of discomfort, and that passed within a few minutes.  Then I could eat more.

Now - well, serving size was a lesson I've had to learn more than once.  I LOVED the way I felt with a full tummy.  I knew it wouldn't be the same after surgery - but knowing and experiencing are two different things.  So here are my thoughts, 7 weeks out.

1.) When I think I might have had enough, I have. Even one more nibble is too much.  A tablespoon of chicken is about right.  The denser the protein, the less I can eat of it.
2.) It is very, very hard to make my brain accept that a tablespoon of food is a serving.  Always before, if it tasted good, it felt good after it went down.  Now, it doesn't feel good AT ALL if I eat too much.
3.) It is possible to feel energetic and functional on an amount of food I would have thought was skimpy for Auschwitz.  When you are morbidly obese, you have the ability to metabolize a lot of calories to maintain your metabolism.  
4.)  A poster here on OH has in her signature (I think that's where I read it) the phrase "I can eat 3 bites of anything."  I have learned this is true for me.  The hardest has been to accept that 3 bites is enough.  I'm still working on that part.
5.) I doubt I will ever take the largest piece of cake, cheesecake or pie from the dessert table again. . .  
6.) Carbs and fat are waaaay easier for me to tolerate than protein.  Although I'm still eating small servings of carbs, I can eat a "normal" serving of PB and crackers, as opposed to a tablespoon.  However, the surgery helps me put the brakes on. 

So do I feel full?  Not the way I used to - in a pleasantly contented sort of way.  Now it is in a bulemic, gotta get the pressure off sort of way.  Bring on the negative reinforcement!

This is a post I wrote in a journal on another site (www.diettalk.com).  I originally wrote it in March of 2008, and updated it last week.  My WLS notes are written in red.


Current weight - 226
225 - At this weight, I will be the lowest I have been in 2008. Actually, I'm already at my lowest weight for 2009! Also, this is a set point for me - a weight my body likes to get to, but is reluctant to leave, either up or down.
219 - Every "9" is milestone - you get to be in the teens
215.4 - below my lowest in 2008
214 - below my lowest in 2007
209 - the "9" thing again
204.4 - halfway point
202 - I have a set point at 203-205 and have trouble getting past it. Of course I have a MAJOR deal about 200, but if I get to 202, I usually make it by.
199 - for obvious reasons
189 - interestingly, I have no shorter term numbers in the 190s. My body hasn't really liked that weight in the past, so I usually don't get stuck there, and I either progress up through it rapidly or down through it steadily, so I have no real emotional hang ups in the 190s.
183 - a very strong set point for me. My body likes being this weight, even though I'm still fat (obviously not AS fat). This is my "practical" permanent goal. I have held this weight before, for long periods of time, without killer calorie counts or the need for hours of exercise, so I figure I should be able to do it again.  If I can maintain this weight, I suppose I would consider WLS a "success", although I certainly don't want to stop here.
179 - oooooh, numbers I haven't seen in 10 years.
175 - my weight when I met my husband, in 1997, and my first secret goal. At that time, I had held that weight for about three years, from very limited fat (less than 20% of calories daily), virtually no alcohol, and MASSIVE amounts of walking (5-6 miles a day, 7 days a week) I always walked, and never missed a day, although when I was sick or it was pouring I would only walk 3.5 miles. Blizzards, ice storms, whatever. Of course, I had no kids, no spouse, no school, a small house I took care of myself, and the only responsibility was a full time job with reasonably flexible hours so I could spend 2 hours walking every day.
168 3/4 - the lowest my weight has been since I started gaining after college, achieved in 1996 for a period of about one week. I had started not only limiting fat, but limiting quantity of the foods I ate. I couldn't sustain it, thus the 175 in 1997.
165 - my second secret goal. This is the weight I was shooting for when I made it to 168 3/4. At the time, I was in the Army Reserves, and if I made this weight, I was sure to pass "taping", where they measured you and calculated your body fat.
159 - I can only imagine the 150's
154 - I really wanted to be this weight because if I weighed this, I didn't have to be taped for the army, they knew I would pass the body fat test.
150 - The lowest weight I have ever been as an adult, and my third secret goal. in 1980, at the age of 20, living on campus at Michigan State, I walked 2-3 miles a day to class and swam 2 nights a week. My diet consisted of eating less than my roommate, who was my height and weighed about 120. Effective, but since she lives in New Hampshire not very practical. Oh, and she tells me she's gained 30 pounds.  This is actually my WLS permanent goal.  I'd like to weigh this for the rest of my life.
145 - My main secret goal. I always thought this would be a weight you wouldn't have to be ashamed of announcing to the world. Also, as big as I got, it would be 100 (Now 114!) pounds less than where I started at DT - or at my highest weight. 
135 - my deep, dark, keep hidden in a closet fantasy goal. I would actually be on the actuarial tables with a "healthy" BMI. Nobody could call me fat, chunky, overweight, or even fluffy. Of course, after weighing as much as I have, my breasts would hang past my bellybutton, but it would be a sacrifice I would be willing to make. A sacrifice I am not willing to make is eating the 800 calories a day that my BMR apparently needs to live.  This is what I hope to make it to so I have the wiggle room for the 10% regain.

Well, I did it.  I met my first goal with a weight today of 224.8.  When I look in the mirror now, I look "normal"; well, my normal.  Chunky, but not the massiveness I saw before.  And my size 20 clothes are fitting just fine, thank you very much.  One of the wierdest things about this whole surgery experience is realizing that the number on the scale is going to continue to go down for the foreseeable future.  That when I achieve 224.8, I might bounce up to 225.2, but not 228.  Most likely, I'll be down another .4 to .6 pounds tomorrow.  What isn't explained is that the stuff that makes weight loss hard before surgery just goes away, and you have a whole other set of things to learn and control. 

Before: portion sizes and physical hunger were the two biggies, followed by discomfort with exercise and enjoyment of food taste.

After: More than 3 teaspoons of anything solid leads to pain or a blah feeling.  I haven't felt real hunger since 6/15.  My feet and ankles don't hurt when I walk, even after two miles (twice as much as I was doing).  I still miss the taste of some foods, but since it doesn't feel good to eat, I have a powerful negative reinforcement going on.

Before: Although I was aware of calorie counts, I had no clue about the amount of protein I was consuming.  I knew I got plenty.  I took one vitamin a day.  I loved ice cold water, and could chug a 16 ounce glass in 5 minutes when I was thirsty.  Getting in 64 ounces of water alone just required a little concentration.

After:  Getting in 70 grams of protein is hard.  My pouch doesn't like protein.  It feels like it just sits there.  I have to take pills 3-4 times a day.  I take a vitamin morning and night, an iron pill in the middle of the day, and I'm supposed to take calcium (I'm still working on that).  If you take the calcium with the iron, you don't get the benefit of iron, so you have to be careful.  Does that mean if I take my vitamin with milk, I undo the iron supplementation in the vitamin?  I don't drink enough water - I can only tolerate a one ounce swallow, then I have to wait 5-10 minutes before I can have more.  Biggest problem with exercise now?  Heat exhaustion and dehydration. 

But who's complaining!  Watch out 219 - here I come!

I feel physically great.  I am into a size 20, which means I'm down two sizes.  The 24s were tight, now they are loose, and the 22s fit, but I can get the others up, fastened and move in them.  What an improvement!  My weight loss is temporarily slowed right now, due to TOM.  That, however, is a relief, since I missed one in June (for the first time in my life)  and was beginning to wonder if pregnancy was a possibility.    My weight is 227, which means slightly less than 20 pounds lost in 5 weeks since surgery.  And I know I'm still losing.

Biggest problems: water consumption and calcium supplementation.  My pouch is happy empty.  It doesn't want anything in it.  Calorie counts have been in the five to six hundred range, when I count them.  The water is a problem because if I gulp, it hurts, and if I sip, it makes me feel. . .not good.  Because of the need for protein, I've been drinking milk more than water.  Protein has been in line with my surgeon's recommendation.

For the Calcium, I decided to give myself a couple of week hiatus and try a gradual restart in a few weeks.  Right now, anything with more texture than refried beans doesn't work.  Except carbs, of course, which can be chewed up and dissolve in saliva.  But mashed potatoes, no way.  Those first few weeks, I actually was a little wilder than I am now, as far as food.  Maybe I'll try some deli meat today - that supposedly is easy to handle.

I have to keep reminding myself that this stage will pass.  I do want to make these first six months count, since everything I've read says enjoy the honeymoon while it exists.  That is my goal - to lose more than 50% of my weight in the first 6 months.  We'll see.

Okay, so the camping trip this weekend was a fiasco.  All we do is eat delicious food, there, and I didn't.  Well, I tried, and then I vomited.  Sometimes I think I'm becoming bulemic.  I get such intense pressure in my pouch and all I can think of doing is getting it OUT.  Portion sizes were always my problem, and they continue to be.  I am gradually realizing that I have to take three bites and stop.  Enjoy every one of those three bites, but that is all you get.  Very hard for a big eater.

But my attitude is changing, and that I find healthy.  I am learning, slowly.  Have a saltine with peanut butter.  Sip your milk over 30 minutes.  Remember you have years left to eat.  You will have another french fry.  However, you will never eat to mental satiation.  That is the hard part.  No more endorphine release from the incredibly distended belly!

Some things I could tolerate before my pouch "woke up" are now giving me a few problems.  Not serious, but I have to be careful.  Like watermelon.  One piece.  Enjoy it, savor it, cause that is all you get. 

But hey!  I'm down 15.5 inches and 28 pounds.  And I'm still dropping!

Was I ready?  As ready as I could be without actually doing it.  It's been three weeks, and here are a few thoughts, pro and con:

Pro:

It certainly solved the hunger problem, and most of the snacking problem.  One bite is enough, even of the snack stuff, and I'm done.  Once I get it through my head I don't need to eat, I'll be done with that. 

I'm losing weight, and will continue to lose weight.  This is a powerful tool.  It is too early for me to have experienced the real positives from this.

Cons:

It is truly life changing, in a way that cannot really be described accurately to a pre-op.  Since everyone's relationship with food is individual, the response to the surgery is individual.  It's not that I really miss food, either.  More that I miss the option of having food.  Maybe it's my control thing.

Eating hurts.  Sometimes even drinking hurts.  I'm told that will get better, as will the buyer's remorse.

So, most of the post-op ouchies are done. I can bend over, lift two gallons of milk, and walk two miles. Every day my belly feels better - right now, it feels almost normal.

Biggest mind changes: I used to spend a huge amount of my day thinking about, preparing, and consuming food. Now that I am eating so little, it just isn't worth all the trouble. And since I am currently unemployed, I have nothing else to fill the time with, other than a job search, which is really depressing.

Head hunger is annoying. I'm not really hungry, but feel the need for foods just because they are there. Now my diet has relaxed, and I have more choices, I want a little of everything, like I used to eat. I have to remind myself I have another 30 years or more of eating, so I will have time to eat a piece of hash brown again.

I can already feel changes in my clothes. The clothes that were a tight squeeze now fit - from bras to pants. I hadn't exactly poured myself in them, but they hang a lot better now.

It is harder than I though to get enough fluid in. I am not thirsty, and drinking too much, too fast doesn't feel good. Every swallow, big or small, comes with a burp, and I don't really like sounding like a cow, so with no impulse to drink and no desire for rude noises, I have to consciously think about drinking. Actually, my pouch is really, really happy to just sit there empty.

I feel now that I am over the obsession part of the surgery, and I'm ready to get on with using the tool and getting on with my life. The family is planning a 4 mile hike on Saturday - I can't wait!


Total weight loss since June 1st: 22 pounds.  Weight loss since surgery: 9.8 pounds.  That freaks me out a bit.  For some reason I was expecting huge chunks of weight loss, and yes, it has been a really long time since I lost 22 pounds in one month, but honestly, I was thinking that the surgery would make it faster.  Unrealistic expectations, I guess.  But I'd hate to think I did all this for 50 pounds total. . .