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Well, I got a call from my primary doctor's wife as soon as I came into work today.  August 19 is around the corner so you need to come in today! Yes, sir!  Dr. Ross is one of those doctors, I can't remember the specialty (OP maybe?) that does almost every type of procedures except cardiology and the endoscopy for the stomach biopsy.  He uses normal instruments and his hands to diagnose his patients.  A great doctor really.  I would say he is to the primary care what Dr. Gagner is to Bariatric care...a genius!!!

I digress...I left work right away...I went, I had some blood work, blood sugar work, EKG and tomorrow before I go to practicum I have to stop in his office at 8AM for chest X-RAY.  He is scheduling my stress stress, upper gi, and endoscopy with stomach biopsi with whoever he uses for that, for sometime next week or the next because the bottom line was it HAD to get done so I am under the knife no later than my appointed surgery date.  Said not to worry he was coding it so that insurance pays for everything.  That's why I love him.  He's the best in Miami and so for the DS that he wants to meet Dr. Gagner because he KNOWS about him and of how wonderful Dr. Gagner is and that he treats his patients like he himself does.  Dr. Ross is right on that one I must say. 

Anyway, Dr. Ross said that my stress test will be done with something that they will inject into me to stress my heart because he does not want to run the risk that due to my back problems I end up falling off the treadmill and break a leg and end up postponing surgery date.  Did I mention how much I love Dr. Ross?  Anywho, he happens to mention that he's got other patients that whenever I'm recovered he would like to introduce me to so that they can meet Dr. Gagner and join my support group because I could be such an inspiration due to being so well informed about my options and deciding on the DS as opposed to another surgery for my revision.  (I owe that to you guys!!!)  He even said he would help me with the venue to hold our monthly support group meetings!!!  That he would do ANYTHING to help me.  This is happening way fast, but it's happening.

WHAT A FABULOUS TEAM OF MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS I HAVE ON MY SIDE!!!!  I'm blessed!

P.S.  Boss is stressing me because it means she will have to actually be here and do her job as opposed to taking it easy cause I'm taking care of it all.  I will post later in my profile what she had the nerve to say to me.  Let's say she wanted me to change my surgery date to accommodate her personal life...FAT CHANCE.

August 19, 2008 at 7:30AM my life will "switch" around!!!  Did the happy dance , shed some tears of joy  and did lots of hugging in the office with the staff.

Soon as I got there Julie made me come inside the office to give me a hug, and Iliana hugged me too.  It was soooooo good to finally see the faces behind the voice on the telephone lines.

Dr. Gagner is MARVELOUS!!!  I felt so human and respected...such a different experience from the other doctor I went to for a consult in the beginning of the year.  Dr. G did not use his famous line on me though, the "I'm listening" line.  He said, so tell me what you want out of this...what do you hope to achieve from this surgery.  I laid it out and he seemed to approve of whatever I said, honestly, I don't remember what I said but I do remember talking from my heart.  He checked my tummy and declared he could use the same incisions I had from my band.  He did give me the worst case scenario, that of the band might have caused damage to require the surgery be done in two parts, one where the band is removed and the stomach left to heal but that it was very rare for this to happen.  His PA Genivieve(sp) was sooooo knowledgeble and thorough with me as well.

According to their scale I've gained some weight...I'm at 290...yikes!!!I have a whole lot of things to do before surgery...stress test, upper gi, endoscopy, etc. etc., but he will accept the other things I've alredy taken care of such as the psych eval and nut.  I asked Iliana, you sure UnitedHealthcare will cover?  She said, leave it in her hands, she will MAKE sure they cover but to ensure my pcp gives her the medical necessity letter and she will work her magic.  So that was my day in a nut shell.

Now, can somebody help me with a ticker?  I want to do one of those count down to August 19 tickers...any takers on my ticker?

I'm going stir crazy.  I know I'll want to look back at this one day.  I need to rant or I will explode, implode or just plain die.

I'm going to end up bald from pulling my hair because I've been repressing how I truly feel after having been delayed from my original surgical consult on June 12.  I know July 23 is around the corner, but I feel that I should have been having surgery by that time.  I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  I have no freaking energy.  I'm feeling so unhealthy with my obesity that I feel I'm literally dying.  Had an incident the other day in a CVS pharmacy where some little punk was being disrespectful and he called me a no neck fat ass.  I had the key to go to the bathroom and hubby and I slip in because it happened to have two stalls.  As I'm closing the door this punk who looks very suspicious (he was acting gangsterlike) is trying to barge in the bathroom because he wanted to "wash his hands".  As I kept asking him to wait his turn (he could not have been more than 12) it got where I was yelling for security because the little bastard was becoming threatening.  After he was taken away by the store manager, he came back and kept banging at the door till we came out.  Then he wanted to barge in without letting us out.  Hubby is saying let it go cause the punk wanted us to lose our temper so we'd strangle him and get in trouble to touching a minor.   Man I wanted to get his stupid ass over my knee and show him a thing or two.  Anyway, as I was walking away he tells my hubby he needs to get his no neck fat ass woman away before he does something to me.  Midget gangster wannabe was not a match...I so wanted to sit on him and show him just how advantageous it can be to be fat sometimes.  Anyway, I let it get the best of me and I called him ugly.  He kept calling me a no neck fat ass and I said "yeah?, Well I lose weight and I'm beautiful!  You grow up and you're still ugly!"  I know I prolly shoulda taken the high road and walk out of CVS as the adult woman I am...but that punk really hit a raw nerve and I lost it!!!  I was saying how much I hate my neighborhood for in certain areas its getting a little ghetto (not really, just kids trying to be hip by being gangsterlike) and I was just livid.  At the same time I wanted to go home and hide under the sheets so no one can see me.  I've never noticed that I'm so fat I have no neck.  All I know is that I'm sitting around waiting for a surgery I know will save my life but in the meantime I'm feeling miserable.  Missing out on life.  Can't walk or stand for long periods because back pains act up.  It seems to me like the world is looking at me with either pity or disgust in their eyes...and I hate them both.  I don't want pity for being in pain, and I don't want to be looked at with disgust because I am a clean, decent woman who happens to  be fat.  I'm a petite woman who has never been this overweight and realizes that all this weight is too much for her height.  Damn it, I don't want to wait anymore.  I know I was all positive and saying that with this delay I can just focus on school this semester and take the next one off.  The truth of the matter is that I don't want to wait anymore.  I'm getting to a point where I'm anxious and school is almost over with the last day of school being August 15.  But, I don't want to lose anymore time.  I'm tired of being the brave one.  The one who keeps her head up no matter what and look at the silver lining.  Damn it, I just want to break down and cry because I feel like I've been given just too many setbacks.  Fuck it, I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight and I don't care who knows it.  I don't want to hear just buckle up or whatever the positive phrase of the day is!  Shit, you read this far and you were warned in the beginning it was a rant so please don't tell me to look at the bright side.  I'm just tired of feeling like death is imminent.  I had one of my collegues who is a Reiki Master like me give me some Reiki healing today.  He didn't know I was up for surgery nor that I've been battling certain medical conditions.  He just gave me a 30 minute session in the clinic where we were doing practicum today and said, you've been very, very sick for a long time.  I guess he just opened the protective shell I've had around me because I've been so emotional today every since he gave me Reiki.  I have been releasing all this negative energy I've been holding on to and have just been crying and crying.  I guess I just needed to get all this negative shit off of me.  Thanks for letting me vent and for reading this far.  I've got some more healing to do and I guess I will be doing it on my own.

Here it is...41.  Only, I don't really feel it.  Yeah, my weight has me feeling twice my age, but on this day my 41st birthday I have hope.  I'm not dreading the future.  I am serene because I just happen to KNOW that very soon I will have a life changing operation to correct a mistake I made nearly 3 years ago when I chose the Lap-Band the first time around.  Lap-Band works for many...but not for me.  I look back and I take stock on my life.  Yeah it's been fucking hard but so what?  I made it.  I humbly look at myself and say "Damn", you really are a survivor and are a force to be reckoned with.  Today I am realizing that I have learned to love myself a little more...even though I'm obese.  Today I look at myself and see beauty with all my curves and bulges.  I may be struggling at the moment with my weight making eveyrthing, including bathroom hygiene a challenge on good days and close to impossible on bad days, but I have HOPE!  Today I am an angel to a second person who is having surgery on MY birthday and I am not envious, because I KNOW, just KNOW that my turn will come.  I have learned from my "angelettes" as I call them.  I have learned to celebrate their journeys without feeling cheated/envious that MY turn has not arrived.  I have learned to really give without really expecting anything in return.  Today I celebrate MY life by just being positive and surround myself with this feeling knowing that soon, very soon, my life is going to take a very exciting hairpin turn.

Although I still have no date for my DS surgery, I worry about this one for I have very long hair and very curly.  My hair is thin though.  I molt regularly and regularly clog the pipes as well, but I really do not want to end up losing so much hair that I have to cut it short.  My hair is naturally curly and it reaches above my waist when curly, past my waist when I take the time to straighten it.  I love, just absolutely LOVE my long hair and dread losing it, but if I do I'm prepared to deal with it.  I hope I'm one of the lucky few that doesn't end up having to cut it and start over...but if I do, OH WELL!  Better thin and healthy and try a new hair style than fat and sick with long hair.

Well, my surgical consult on June 12th was postponed until July 23, more than a month away.  I got a call from Julie at Dr. Gagner's office two days before my consult to tell me it needed to be rescheduled.  Something about Dr. Gagner having to travel to Switzerland to do emergency surgery on one of his patients.  While this speaks wonders of him, I had no idea he kept his patients even after he moved away.  This is awesome to know because it will mean that if I ever need him, he'll be there.  That said, it STILL sucks major A$$ that I've had this setback.  Someone said to me today (Red) I'm due for a break from all that I've been through.  And though I'm trying to be real positive about it, I am really down about it.  To have it so close and have it taken away and made to wait.  Today I find out another OH friend is having surgery, on MY birthday.  Awesome for her, but I can't help and feel envious.  I don't envy her arrival date of what I am sure she's waited a long time to do, but I'm feeling the pain, of having it so close only to have it delayed.  Yeah, yeah it's worth the wait, but it still sucks major A$$.  I'm focusing on school but everyday I feel as if I'm dying a slow death.  I used to be so active a year and a half ago.  I would dance Salsa 2 times a week. I would train with the personal trainer 3 times a week and still had energy to go boating and fishing with my DH every Sunday besides enjoying my local Orchid shows, the boat shows with DH.  After my mom passed it was the last straw of a long fight.  I just gave up and lost all interest in life.  Now the diabetes is so bad I fear I've developed diabetic neuropathy where there is nerve damage to the legs and feet that causes constant pain.  I no longer use heals or dress up sexy.  I use flats or flip flops and stretchy pants.  What happened to my mini skirts?  Even my fattest pants don't fit anymore, had to go buy some more stretch pants to use for work.  I refuse to buy more clothes.  I'm uncomfortable driving because I have a belly, and the steering wheel rubs against my belly making turns a bit more difficult.  Even more sad, I don't want to walk much anywhere because the pain in my back, although has gotten better, keeps me from doing things I used to do...like walk all day at Disney.  Went in early May for my little sister's B-Day gift and had to rent a scooter because my weight has affected my back so badly that long periods of standing or walking is not to be attempted.  Did I mention this scooter thing, although got us in front of so many lines at Disney was the MOST humiliating experience for me?  I am used to being active.  What happened to me in the last 1 1/2 that my weight exploded and now I feel like I'm in a race against time to have my DS surgery before I die of complications caused by my obesity?  When did this happen?

Wow, I had no idea that being an angel for someone would make me really look into my thoughts and actions.  I'm not an "Angel" by far but I do consider myself a decent caring person.  However, the last time I step foot in a hospital was the day my mom passed away on her birthday on January 7, 2007.  A year and a half later, I volunteer to be an angel to Karla so that I can keep the board posted on her progress.  As I reflect on that today, 4 days into being an "Angel" I realize I wanted to take care of Karla and every need she had, just like I did with mom.  When she went into surgery, and I couldn't get ahold of her mother I immediately went into protective mode thinking since her family was against her having wls, so because of that her mother was not going to answer me.  I called persistently the first day.  Eventually, her mom answered and it turned out that Karla has such a fancy, shmanzy phone it was impossible for the poor woman to answer me!  She gave me her own phone number so I can keep calling her phone.  Then when I went to visit Karla at the hospital, I was soooooooo upset that the gift shop was closed!  I wanted to show up with some flowers, but Karla was so gracious about it.  Again, I realized I didn't want to let her down.  Now as I reflect on yesterday's visit with Karla I have to ask myself...was I trying to make up for not arriving 5 minutes earlier to the hospital where my own mother was?  I got there 5 minutes after she passed.  I felt guilty because I took a little longer at home showering and changing into fresh clothes after leaving her side two hours earlier.  When I got to the hospital with fresh clothes for I was spending the night again, my sister was waiting for me in the parking lot crying to tell me that mom had just died...and that my brother was still by our mother's bedside.  They were both with her when she died.  I was saddened that as her most responsible caregiver, I was not there to send her to Heaven.  All this came back to me in the past couple of days.  I am greatful for in the process of being someone else's Angel, I realize that there are some limitations in my "powers".  I cannot control the fact that the gift shop closed early just as I cannot control the fact that mom died 5 minutes before I got back from a much needed shower and break after a long weekend vigil by her side.  I was as good a daughter as I could be, just as I was as good an "Angel" as I can be.  I am healing.  I love you, Mom.

OK, I've had a few days to digest the fact that Dr. Gagner has been credentialled by UHC and that in fact I most CERTAINLY have a surgical consult on June 12th!  I'm calm now.  I think maybe this is what caused me to spike my blood pressure on Monday(read below).  What a wonderful early B-Day present to myself (more on that later).  Anywho, I need help in getting ready for surgery.  I am diabetic, hypertension, and high cholesterol.  I had my blood pressure spike on Monday to 210/90 and spent the next three days having a change of meds, halter (like a 24 hour EKG that is a pain in the butt to try to sleep with) and stuff.  My primary doctor told me yesterday I'm not really a train wreck anymore.  My carpel tunnel is a train wreck but I've been doing real good working on my health since I got the news I was falling apart this past January.  My cholesteral is down to normal, no longer heart attack range , I forget the numbers because I felt so out of it yesterday when they were putting the halter on me and pumping me with meds to lower my scary sky-high blood pressure.  My son and DH thought they were going to lose me...my son broke down and admitted he's terrified of how my health took a turn for the worse in January 2008.  I'll get copies of my labs next Friday when I go for the results on what the 24 hour halter read.  He also said I'm 3 points away from no longer being a diabetic, but that he really wanted me to get the DS to be cured.  Isn't that awesome?  To have a primary doctor support you and push the DS...he agreed with me and told my husband I did well on my research...the DS is most certainly the cadillac of all WLS.  Anywho, I stopped seeing that jerk of a chiropractor that made me feel like crap because I had too much "insulation" for him to properly adjust my spine.  Instead, I invested in my own Bowflex machine and have been working on it for the past 3 weeks building up my back muscles.  I feel better and can walk a little more every day!  So I'm making some progress.  I want to be as physically healthy (excercise wise I guess) before surgery so I can hit the floor running (walking actually) after the anesthesia wears off for I know that the sooner you start walking the sooner you're on your way.  Here's where I need the expertise of you veteran DSers.  I've seen posts of many who start off wrong and end up sabotaging their DS.  I don't want to be one of them.  I devour and take to heart what many of you talk about and advise others because I figure I'll probably need that advise one day.  Let's face it, I may forget it when my turn comes and I'll reask the questions but that's another story.  Where I need the help is in the vitamin department.  I'm soooooo confused about that.  Am I wrong, or is it a good idea to start stocking up on the stuff I'll need and to get used to popping them vits?  I mean, right now I'm popping all sorts of meds for all my different comorbidities of my obesity, won't supplementing with the vitamins help me and give me some reserves for when my surgery date arrives?  Now that I have my appointment on June 12th, I know that surgery date won't be long after.  Because hubby promised if insurance denies he will take out a mortgage to pay for surgery and we will worry about taking legal action later for reimbursement, and after the scare we had with me these past 3 days, he reminded me today that to be prepared with whatever I needed to do because come June 12th I was going to get a surgery date to make sure he doesn't lose me to complications of obesity.  Aint he a sweetheart?  .  My birthday is June 24, about a week after the consult so I figure this year I would give myself a gift of a healthier kind. So tell me my soon to be DS sistas and brothers, what should I start buying?  Should I buy at the regular health food stores?  Should I buy from Vitalady?  I saw something Diane wrote about some vits there and someone mentioned not trusting Vitalady?  GNC?  WildOats?  I have some probiotics, should I start taking them?  If I shouldn't do anything at all let me know as well.  I won't get offended if you tell me I'm nuts and worry about it AFTER surgery.  Thanks for reading this far, I trully love you all for all your support since I've started coming in here. 

Post Date: 5/16/08 8:42 am
OMG, where do I start?  I just spoke with Julie at Dr. Gagner's office and UHC finally credentialled (sp) Dr. Gagner!  I'm doing the happy dance and I just can't settle down!  I know it's only an appiontment, but it's the first step.  I've been waiting for this appointment so long!  Maybe not more than others because I originally wanted to revise my band to RNY until I met you happy bunch.  But I know it's GOING to happen!  My appointment with him is on June 12th.  I swear I'm acting like a total maniac right now with this happy news.  I work at the university where I'm doing my doctoral in psychology and I swear if I don't settle down they are going to put me in a straight jacket and haul me away to a padded room.  This joint is full of psychiatrist, psychologists and lawyers with their poised behaviors.  Phhhttt, right now I could care less.  I've got an appointment with one of the best revision doctors in the field and I'm beyond excited.  Right now I have no words to describe what I'm feeling... I do know one thing, if it weren't for you paying it forward I would not know about this wonderful tool.  Thank you all (Red, LeAnn, Lori, Pretty Dove,Scottie and everyone else.  I'm too excited to remember all the names now so please forgive me for not naming you) for educating me, providing research and always answering my questions with your zest and enthutiasm(sp).  Dang it, I can't spell worth a dang right now.  There goes my edumacation .   Hee,hee!

I've been seeing a chiropractor since early February due to severe lower back pain.  He calls it the J.Lo effect because of the way my spine makes my butt stick out.  Since I have a belly that has a dunlop (done lopped over my belt) , I don't really have sustained improvement.  It's funny, I'm overweight overall but I wear it well except for my belly.  If I didn't have the belly flapping over, you would never guess I'm close to 280 lbs., even now people are surprised to know I weigh that much since I'm so short (5' 1 1/2") and I dress in a manner that I usually camouflage the belly flop.  So anywho, my chiropractor gave me an a** chewing yesterday about appropriate food choices, etc. etc. yesterday that left me feeling like such a huge failure.  Geez, I can't lose the weight on my own THAT'S why I need a DS Mr. Know-It-All.  But I didn't speak up and now I'm really angry that I have let him talk to me in a way that made me feel like crap.  He's sending me to do an MRI on my lower back sometime next week, so that he can write a report and send it to Dr. Gagner to possibly assist with UHC approving the surgery.  I am not able to walk for more than 5 or 10 minutes before I have to sit for a spell and then I can go for another 5 or 10 minutes.  The pain is just unbearable and it makes me break out in a cold sweat.  It's impossible for me to walk as a form of excercise due to the pain, yet he tells me walk through the pain...blah, blah, blah.  However, I was thinking that after he is done with the MRI report I'm going to stop seeing him because every time he does an adjustment on me, he has a comment about how hard it is to adjust me due to my excessive insulation (i.e., fat).  Why have I let him say that to me 3 times a week since February?    Has my self-esteem taken such a drastic fall that I allow a person who is supposed to make me feel better physically make me feel horrible emotionally?  I went home crying (30 minute drive) ALL the way yesterday.  My husband said it might have been his way of giving me shock therapy to help motivate me to lose some weight before surgery.  I feel like I'm losing my mind .  I want the MRI just to know what really is going on and to have another tool to submit to UHC for approval in case I need it.  But then I'm torn about continuing the adjustments that give me some relief.  After the MRI I am going to let him know to stop the freaking fat and too much insulation comments because I am well aware I am fat...don't need to be reminded thank you very much.  Sigh.  Thanks for letting me vent, I just want to crawl into bed and not come out until I get a surgery date.  I'm still teary at this whole freaking ordeal...I seriously feel I may be depressed.