Cynthia T.

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Things are all a flutter in the Diva Den (We voted on the name for our house Nick-our boy dog-lost)

Tonight Olivia stars in her first ever play.  She has been signed up for acting classes for the last few weeks and tonight is the big show.  I went to the final rehearsals yesterday.  I found out one of the teachers SCREECHES at the kids, I did  not kill her, but there will be a complaint filed, that was more than stress--the lady was whack.  One good thing about whack lady, she made me chill out.  Because in the end this is just a bunch of kinds in really cute costumes playacting.  Very much fun. 

Last night Mini-Diva O had her case of the nerves, bit of a cry, but we talked about how everyone screwed up during practice, so ....so what?  Then this morning we did lines in the silliest way possible. It was a riot.  Nerves are calmed. 

Show time starts at seven (for the next 4 nights) you all are invited. 

Oh, and bring flowers, because my tiny Olivia, will be playing a cute little Ninja named Mary, and even thought there are 40 kids in this thing, she will take your breath away. 

NOW PLACES EVERYONE!!!!!

I find I need it.  i think that the band is in the perfect fill level, its just I still would rather eat crackers than pork.  When I eat meat I am full for a long time, but I am too LAZY/TIRED to cook.  I would rather eat crackers.  I am trying to get my routine down.  SO far I have breakfast down, yogurt and cereal, snack latte, lunch meat wrap thingys.  I do these regularly.  I am still weak on getting a routine down for afternoon snack and dinner....as it is then I start to get the lazy thing going on.  Then evening its usually cereal/yogurt thing again or dreaded crackers.  Ugh.  So I am working on it.  I am getting better about the water. Although I still drink when I eat..

So starting tomorrow I will be emailing my food to my best friend (she has different kinda food issues, but similar) and she will be mailing me hers.  NO matter what we eat. We used to do that all the time.  Most times I would rather talk about my sex life than what I eat.  (well food actually exists) so this is a great starting point for accountability. 

Let ya know how it goes.  I think I am still losing, but I am trying my darnedest to stay off Happy Mr. Scale.  I am trying to learn a lifestyle here.  I think I have it abut 36% down.

Ok, so I am back to losing.  Ah, no longer in that icky  "I suck and am fat" place.   The fill is perfect.  I can eat a hamb patty and thats it, or some excessive softer stuff.  If I eat dense protein, its 4 oz. If I screw around (and I do sometimes) its more. 

I feel much better.  I have not heard anything new about the hospital bills and have made the decision to pay the gas-dr. bills myself. (2400) I get discouraged when I think of where I COULD have been without the complications, but I am happy that I am on the right road now.  Maybe now I can show what this band is SUPPOSED to do.

I hope so.

They are on review (some of em, the WHOPPERS are anyway) and on hold.  That keeps them from going to collections, with is really important for me. Dr. S came through and emailed the money men.  Yea Dr. S.  Now its....wait.  But not to worry I still have about 3000 worth of bills that are NOT whoppers.  So fret not. I am not rich yet.

As for the fill/my health?  Doing well.  I can eat a 4 oz of meat.  The end.  I need to lay off the liquid calories. I think of myself as a quite LARGE ship.  It had momentum in one way, the band stopped it, but I am coasting and learning a bit before turning it into a new direction. 

Not excuses, just it takes a while for the Titantic to turn on a dime.

I am excited. For the first time in a while, I have quite a bit of hope (hope, oh so dangerous) I keeping my wits about me, and just doing it one day at a time (as if I could do multiple days anyway. )

Did my drive to Denver yesterday.  My audio books were sucky but other than that, the drive was uneventful.  I got to have lunch with the always delightful Carol. By the way, you can really see the loss in her face, holy crap. (Sorry you could not make it Mary, next time plus a butt shot)

I weighed in, having gained a total of 20 pounds since my long unfil/multiple surgeries disaster.   One reason I like my Dr. is that he says is a genuine pleasant tone, "well, that is an excellent starting point."  No joke, his upbeat look at my gain CRACKED ME UP.

So I got a fill. my second in a year, for 1.5.  He wanted to do 2 but I talked him down. Glad I did, this am I could eat about a half a cup of cereal.  It feels just right. 

My bill mess was handed to him.  He said, again, that he would take care of it, and said  "wow" when he looked at the bills like he has never seen em.  (I gave him these same bills after surgery number 2) he said that he would talk to the hospital.  Mind you he has not charged me a bit for any of his, so I get that legally, probably, he is just doing me a favor by talking to them, and I even said that.  But I said, "I really cant do this alone."  He said, I got it.  He is alot like a hummingbird in his movements and speech, so I grabbed his attention, held it, paused, looked in his eyes and said "Do you promise?"  He said yes.  I will call Friday to see if he did follow up.
Really, I am in the same position either way.  If he helps and they dismiss or reduce the bills, I have the same money than if they dont which is nothing, so I feel kinda free in my poverty.

Mentally, much better.  I was even praying about how I keep picking on myself (the constant tirade of negative put downs in my head was getting to me) and after the fill, I woke up and said that I liked my hair.  (after waking up is no small thing) It was not intentional, it  just came out. 

SO my long winded message is....

The band does not work without restriction, and I just dont mean for wt loss. I have to have this thing doing what it was intended to do before I start to feel good about myself.  It bands my negative perception too.

Second, you can only do so much.  This is a lesson I may never get, but lucky dog me, God keeps trying on me.  The money will just have to work itself out. 

Third, support is important.  I loved my lunch with Carol, because no matter how much I talk about this with people that are in my life, nobody gets it like the people that have the plastic in the gut like me. 

Have a good day folks.

OK.  If you did not get an invitation, I think you are the only one.  Please dont feel bad, I did not invite Paris Hilton either.  Is not about you.......really.....

I am having about 50 people over to my house today.  2/3 of em will be under the age of 7.   Its the

OLIVIA RACHEL TRANSMEIER'S BIRTHDAY BBQ  BLOWOUT!!!*

*said in her best annoying car salesman's yell.

Starting at noon, there will be a bump and jump, a cookie decorating table, a plant your own flower area, and 2 dogs and a swingset, and burgers, chips and soda. 

Excited does not describe my daughter.  Here are some O quotes....

"I am going to be the boss of my party.  But the nice one.  The one that says, if you break my crayons, its OK, I break them all the time."

and the one that melted me,

"Not PERFECT mommy, it needs to look how it looks. If its perfect, ok, but its just going to look how it looks." --when in my VERY tired state, I was snapping that i just wanted the party perfect because I loved her so much."

There are so many. We have had a few hiccups lately, on Monday it SNOWED.  I knew from the weather that it was going to snow, but it did not stop the "HOLY CRUD!!! SNOW " affect  but it is supposed to be beautiful today.  And the snow is already gone.

Then Thursday my toilet broke.  More than I knew how to fix, so I called a guy in my small group and he came and did it for me (YEA GEORGE) this is important, because my first response was to either close off the bathroom (I have a second less accessible one in my room) or fix it myself, but kids, I asked for help

oh, Then last night I found a BAT. ON MY HOUSE.  Mind you I am college educated, business owner, go getter gal.  I freaked out.  He was no bigger than a small baseball, and did not look like he was doing good.  I think he was freezing.  I herded my herd into the house, (Anna the mouth dog found him for me as I was setting up tables, he was hanging on the low eves) I tried to get the neighbor girl to get him off, she was too compassionate.  All talking to him and being gentle.  So I had to go and just brush him off with a broom, put him in a container and pitch the container and all over the fence.  Not nice I know.  I did not feel bad for the little guy one second.  (till about now when I typed little guy)

But the yard is clean, the house is cleaned, the food is bought, and things are ready.  Now, I just need to drink nothing but coffee for the next 6 hours so I am ready.

As far as how I am doing, pretty well.  Fatten right up.  I have an appointment on the 25th with Dr. Snyder. Hope he give me a fill.   They tried to get me into Pete, and um, NO.  I also asked to speak to Brandi, and suddenly Brandi was on another line, so I was shuttled to voice mail,  (re: money) I felt brushed off.  I refuse to be be brushed off.  I took care of a BAT for crying out loud. Takin someone out on these finances on Monday.

Because this party was not enough, we are having our quarterly sale at work.  It like this party, but without the sweets, and bump and jump and I invited 3000 people and it lasts ALL WEEK.  I was working 8-6 each night this week and then going and doing get ready for party stuff after that.  I was pretty tired.  I am just giddy and silly happy now.  Maybe it is just that sleep deprived, coffee-stoned thing. 

ok your turn, comment your "threw my kid a big party and this is how it went story"  or bat story, ....or  some nice story about fruit, .....whatever......

Its spring.  That helps.  Mostly because of all the frustration I have been feeling, I take out on weeds.  I also ordered 6 cubic yards (aka a dump truck) of rock and have been shoveling that around.  That really helps.

I am also trying not to think about myself much.  Except I am trying to notice when I am angry.  I think then I go work in the yard.  I have a lot of anger and I want to pay attention to it and work it out.

As far as my health goes, I am doing well, (I did smash my ring finger between 2 rocks, and it is purple) I have energy. 

My clothes are getting tight.  I am still eating.

Easter was nice.  My child did easter egg hunting with her best friend Dayton in the rain.  Me and Daytons mom Rachel stood under the Umbrella on the porch.  They did not even notice the rain.  Mud plus candy rocks to a couple of 5 year olds.

I am having a big ole BBQ Sat. for Olivia's Birthday (which is Monday)  We went over the list tonight and if all show up, there will be 52 people.  (My friends get to come too) Which is also why I am killing myself on this yard. I rented a bump and Jump so that ought to help.  Me cooking for 52 people ought to be funny.She also gets 6 golden tickets for 6 friends to sleep over. Hopefully they will just tucker out.

Then the following week we are having our sale at work, so that would be like a "party" for 3000 people.  Ugh.  So I am trying to be busy, so I dont think about teh 23000 M&M's I ate yesterday.

SO, How are you?  Go ahead and comment.

I am mean.  I just want to hide under a rock.  I am fighting with everyone, and I am not happy.  There.  That is the honest answer to the "How are you" question. 

Mostly I am embarrassed and sad.  I am trying hard to look at the big picture here.  I have this band in for life (provided it does not melt or some other weird thing that can only happen to me) I hopefully will lose wt.  I just get tired of being optimistic.  I am sad.  I am sad that I have gone under the knife 3 times, probably put our family in financial ruin, and in exchange I have an itching belly and have lost 35 pounds and its been like 9 months. 

I have a hard time even doing simple things for myself, and here I went and put myself out on a limb to get healthy and so far it has been a failure. 

I want to be upbeat, I want to be encouraging.  There is still some weird thing in me that I HOPE is not just false pride that says this will work for me.  But this morning I am just overcome with doubt and sadness thinking, maybe it just wont.  What a waste. I have been fat forever, so I can get used to that if that is the case, but what I have but my family and friends and finances through these 9 months--so far for nothing--is horrible.

Just woke up so sad today.

Hanging in there.  That is what I say every time someone asks how I am doing.  Hanging in there.  What I am hanging by or from I have no idea.  I am now a post op morning person.  I am steller in the am.  I get to work and at about 11 my body goes.

NOPE.  And  C*R*A*S*H.  I want bed.  Like if i dont go to bed I will fall asleep where I am.  It kinda reminds me of when I was pregnant.  My brother Todd would say, "are you tired?"  I would be, "nope" and then seconds later I was out. No matter where we were.  Car, couch, grocery store.....

I have to schedule a follow up appointment for next week sometime.  I can eat whatever I want.  I am doing just that.  Chocolate seems to be what I want alot.

I am trying to keep the plates in my life spinning, work, home, kid, are the ones I attend to.  The others like church, friends and family, are crashing.  But fortunately they love me so its ok.  People are being helpful, but really there are just some stuff I have to do myself.  I went grocery shopping tonight and I feel like I am going to faint.  But Olivia cant drive.  So there ya go.  I also think our food list should include more than pudding, so that leaves me doing it.

Still dealing with the anger of all this happening in the first place.  Today was a high anger day.  Yesterday not so much.  Just not sure when those days are coming, or I would send ya a note of warning. 

My kid needs a bath, gotta go.

I was in the hospital for a total of 3 days.  I went in Tuesday at nine am like planned, they admitted me right away, but I did not get carved on till Thurday at 11.  Tuesday it was a er scheduling mix up so I was bumped to wed, wed my dr. was sick, so it was bumped to thurs.  I was so very very sad. The worse part was I got NO story as to why I was bumped from day till day till my Dr. called me at 9 p.m. on wednesday. They did not want me out though because they wanted me on anti bios.   They gave me morphine for the pain, that kinda helps with the sad.

The gall bladder came out no problem,.  I asked if it was diseased and the Dr. said, "no, but you had a big-ass rock in there"  I love medical terms.  Pete did not assist at all..They had this kid doing it, I think he was maybe 17.  He did mention that he was doing the GB for free.  It takes a lot to get mentally psyched for surgery 2 days in a row and not have it, so by that time, I did not care if the surgeon  was 8. 

The the port was fine, but her replaced it anyway, "just in case" there was a problem with the tubing---almost in the middle of the tubing.  "Never happens that far up" the Dr. said.  "I was so excited to find something wrong"  he says.  I am happy for him.. If there is a leak it is usually by the port or on the tube close to the port, and this was more than half way up, so it was a manufacturing defect.  It actually had a split in it.  He cut off the most of it, and put in "a connector"(whatever the hell that is,) and new tubing.  He will be sending the tubing off to Imead.

I am very sore, have  a total of 7 cuts on my tummy none more than an inch long.  They used some from the previous surgeries and made some new ones.   I think I can play that game wher you connect the lines and make a box and write you initials in the box--on my tummy. 

Olivia stayed with some friends of mine, who have 4 daughters, and she came home with 2 huge bags of clothes and toys.  She went on picnics and baked cookies and watched movies till late.

Dad went with me, and stayed in Central City, and poor guy, had to play poker everynight.  He was a trooper.  He deserved it for having to wait around the hospital with me all week.

As for the bills, they are going to gather them, sort them out and give me a number.  I will have to pay some GB bills, but not for the hospital time, the port or the 17 year old surgeon.  I guess they will let me know.

I am already on solids, but I am keeping it light (kinda scared)

Now if you will excuse me, I have some yummy Darvocet to take.