greeneyegurl1980
Ever since I was a little girl I could always remember being the chubbier one in the group. As I flip through pictures of me as a child now, I just don't see where I was chubby when I was a child. In my eyes I looked average but when I look at a picture of me when I was standing next to my friends I can see the difference. They were stick thin and I was a little thick. I guess in the 80's if you weren't stick thin then you were considered fat.
As I was growing up I was always getting teased for being a little bit thicker than everyone else. As a child that hurt! The only way I could deal with it was to run home cry and eat some cookies. I guess after all those nights running home crying and eating cookies really caught up with me. Now I am no longer thicker than my friends I am actually two of them if not three.
Even though I was teased alot I still held my head up high. I for some reason still had a little bit of self esteem left. It got to the point that when people made fun of me I no longer cried I made fun of myself with them. It made it easier on me and it also made people like me. They considered it as me having a great personality, I considered it as just getting by another day without breaking down.
As I entered middle school and high school I developed a hatred towards men of my own color. It is so weird but it happened. I guess it's because that all my life the most harsh people were the ones that were white. Then my dad was very predjudice. Even though all my life he lived in another state he was very vocal with is views. I didn't like that, I was not like him. It just seemed to me that every white man I was around was rude and ignorant no matter if it was teasing me because I was fat or if it was them just being judgemental all the time.I guess by being teased for so long by white guys and then for my dad to have so much hatred towards people it just got me to the point where I couldn't stand white men. I'm still that way to a certain point. I'm white but I cannot stand men that are white. I guess that's why I have never had a white boyfriend. My boyfriends were always black and I developed and extreme attraction to black men. It seemed that they accepted me more. They thought I was attractive. What the white guy considered fat (170lbs high school) my boyfriend considered that sexy. That made me feel good. That made me feel like there was nothing I had to change about myself because finally somebody accepted me for who I was. All my friends were black and they all was curvy like myself.
I guess all that acceptence made my head big and my body also. Because unfortunatly I didn't stay 170lbs long. I just kept getting bigger and bigger. Now i'm 342 lbs. I'm still accepted by my husband and friends but I am not longer accepted by ME!! I just cannot do it anymore. I am constantly thinking about dieing of a heart attack or stroke to the point where I have extremem anxiety over it. So it's time for a change.
I tried losing weight the right way. It didn't work. I barely lost 10 lbs. i don't know what the problem is but I know for a fact that I cannot keep doing this and keep getting bigger. Everytime I go out with my husband and try to get dressed and look pretty I cry. I feel like i'm not good enough for him. He tell's me i'm beautiful and he loves me the way I am but I don't love myself. How can I not love myself.
So I am now 28 married to a Marine with 2 beautiful children. I am now to the point in my life where I'm ready to begin this journey. I 'm ready to prove everyone that said I will always be fat wrong. I'm ready to show them that I can do it. With the right tools I can accomplish this journey...and I will!!!!!!
