Chris G.

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We hit my first appointment at 11 yesterday. Took all of five minutes for the PA to check my belly, ask me how I'm feeling, and send me out the door with a "you're doing excellent!".

The next appointment wasn't until 3:30 so we had several hours to walk the mall and do some serious shopping. The first place we headed to was a large outlet that sells major labels at 70% off. I made a bee-line for the plus size department and began the hunt for shirts that won't hang on me like circus tents. I wasn't sure where to begin with the sizes, so I pulled a few 22/24's and a few 18/20's and headed to the fittng rooms. Full of optimism I slipped into a size 18 Apostrophe button down and was literally stunned when I looked in the mirror. Suddenly I had a waist! I had curves instead of rolls! I looked nothing like myself! Wow!

Encouraged, I tried on the next four shirts and was pleasantly surprised that the 22's were too big. I am definitely an 18 in shirts (for now). I picked four nice button downs for work and then went out to find my Mom. Mom is petite and slender, so she was searching through the racks in the regular sizes. "Hey hon, there's plenty of XL's and 18's on these racks, why don't you see if there's anything that you like?" "Me?" "In the regular size department?" "Surely you must be out of your mind, because I haven't fit in anything that wasn't plus size since I was 20 years old!"

But to humor the crazy old woman I started looking, and wouldn't you know that I found not one, not two, but four more shirts in those racks that fit me? It's been eighteen years since I even looked at a non-plus size piece of clothing for myself. It was like when you drive through the streets with the fancy houses and wonder what it's like to live there. I got to live there yesterday!

We went to Friendly's for lunch. Mom ordered fish and got mashed potatos instead of french fries. I ordered a cup of chicken noodle soup. Mom put the potatos in between us and I alternated between bites of mashed potatos and sips of the soup broth. It took me just as long to eat my 1/3 of a cup of food as it took my mother to eat her entire meal. It was fabulous! Friendly's makes real mashed potatos and they were so yummy! Their chicken noodle soup is pretty good too. I felt more than satisfied and I didn't eat anything that I shouldn't have. I left all the noodles in the dish, ate only the broth and a few pieces of the chicken. It felt so good to enjoy the meal with my Mom.

And the icing on the cake? This morning's scale was 230.8 I have no doubt that the 220's are going to arrive this week and I am simply beside myself with happiness!

It's Monday and you know what that means. And it's a good Monday too! This morning's official weight? 231!!!!! There was a decimal on there too, but I got so excited that I failed to memorize it. Who cares? That's 231! I was 274 in January....I've lost 43 pounds!


Today is my five week visit with the doctor's assistant and the nutritionist. I've got the whole day off from work and my Mom is going with me to the appointments. It's an hour away and the two appointments are four hours apart, so we're making a day of it. Should be fun.

I still have a hard time with "food thinking" when I'm going somewhere. All my life when I've gone out for a day of shopping or something, the one thing I've focused on the most is where we'll eat and what I'll have. Now I have to think about where can I eat and how much of a waste of money will it be to pay for something that I can eat about two ounces of? There's no more joy in eating out and that's rough because it was seriously my favorite thing to do before. 

Just one more way my thinking and habits have to change.

 

Date	Weight	Total Loss
01/01/07	274	0
06/01/07	272	2
08/06/07	263	11
08/13/07	247	27
08/20/07	240	34
08/27/07	237	37
09/03/07	237	37
09/10/07	231	43

The proof is in the sugar-free pudding!!  Check out my new measurements.  

Chris	Date	Measurement	Date	Measurement
Neck	04/29/07	16 3/4”	09/05/07	15”
Bust	04/29/07	51 1/4”	09/05/07	46”
Waist	04/29/07	47 1/2”	09/05/07	44”
Hips	04/29/07	55 3/4”	09/05/07	50 1/2”
Thigh	04/29/07	28”	09/05/07	23”
Calf	04/29/07	17 3/8”	09/05/07	17”
Arm	04/29/07	14”	09/05/07	12”
Wing	04/29/07	18”	09/05/07	16”
Forearm	04/29/07	11 1/8”	09/05/07	8”
Weight	04/29/07	272	09/05/07	236

Here it is Monday again!  Not very exciting news today....I weighed in at 237.3
pounds.  Lost less than half a pound.  Oh well, this is not surprising.  Everyone says that there is a wall that comes up sometime around 4 to 6 weeks.  I may not have lost any weight, but my body is still changing.  Everything is getting so soft and squishy!  Fat that used to be firm and dense is now flabby and soft.  

This week I've experimented with some new foods and still haven't had any trouble.  I DID feel my pouch for the first time today.  I ate half of a grilled hamburger (no bun, just on a plate) and before I was done, I could feel that Ithe pouch was full and stuff seemed to be in my esophogyus.  That's the very first time that I've really felt something and it was fine.  I like knowing that there really is a small pouch in there and I really can't just eat and eat like I used to.  

Yesterday we had a cook-out and I ate half of a veggie burger (the tomato & basil Pizza burgers by Morningstar Farms are AWESOME) and about one inch of a Nathan's hot dog (again, no buns, just off a plate) and it was fine.  I also ate chili all week and had no trouble.  Split Pea with Ham soup was also tasty and no problem.  

I realize that I'm doing a lousy job of drinking plain water.  I drink all day and night, but I drink Crystal Light and milk and not a whole lot of plain water.  I will try to do better with that.  

This week I did all the grocery shopping for the family and it was sort of depressing when I read the labels on stuff.  I've always read labels for fat content and calories, but I've never paid attention to sugar content.  It seems as if EVERYTHING has sugar in it.  At this point I feel as though all I'm ever going to be able to eat is meat.  Oh well, this is what I signed up for and I have to make the best of it. 

Today's weight is.....237.8  

Yippee! 

And just to mark the progess....

 

Date	Weight	Total Loss
06/01/07	272	0
08/06/07	263	9
08/13/07	247	25
08/20/07	240	32
08/27/07	237	35
09/03/07	237	35
09/11/07
09/18/07
09/25/07
10/02/07
10/09/07
10/16/07
10/23/07
11/01/07
11/08/07
11/15/07
11/22/07
11/29/07

I didn't mean to let the whole week go by without posting, but it did.  

Everything is fantastic here.  I got to go on to purees as of Wednesday.  The first thing I had was a banana protein shake (yummy!) and then for dinner I had tomato soup (best tasting soup I've ever had in my life) and later a bit of SF chocolate pudding.  I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.  Mind you, each of those items were less than 3ozs apiece and they were satisfying beyond belief.  It feels incredible to have the pleasure of food and yet not feel the need to eat a bucket full in one sitting.  

I got a little annoyed that the scale didn't budge this week, but I realize that it doesn't matter.  My body is going to fight back a little now that it realizes what's going on.  And I had my period.  

The big thing is the change in the way my clothes fit.  Every single pair of pants I own (all size 24/26 or 26/28), I can now take on and off without unbuttoning or unzipping.  My boobs are swimming in my bras.  My shirts don't touch my belly at all.  It's just amazing.  So last night we went out and I tried on a pair of jeans that were a size 20.  Not only did they go on, they zipped and buttoned.  They were too tight to wear (can we say camel toe?) but I just could not believe that they were on my body.  So I bought them because in another two to three weeks I think they're going to fit just fine!  I also bought two bras in a 42B.  My original bras are all 48C's.    I just can't get over this whole thing.  

This weekend I'm going to make an earnest attempt at some exercise.  I already feel "soft" to myself and I don't want to lose too much muscle.  

Also, I think tomorrow I'll put the bathing suit on and have my daughter take some progress pix.  

It's Monday! Time to see how much this old gal weighs. ......And the official Monday morning weight is........240.3

For a total loss of 23 lbs in two weeks. I'm not even going to bother with the ten pounds I lost prior to surgery...it just complicates things. And not bad considering that my uterus must have at least three pounds of raging fury it's trying to expel.

I'm returning to my regular full-time work hours today and I'm wearing a shirt that I couldn't button six months ago. I used to have to wear it with a sleeveless shirt under it and then put this one on top and leave it open. Today, it's fully buttoned and isn't even touching my stomach. It just makes me feel so good to know that my body really is changing.

The scale suddenly stopped moving on Friday and I couldn't figure out why.  It's not like I'm putting anything into my body, and I'm moving frequently, so I expected to see at least a little drop.  Then this morning I woke up with Flo, which explains everything.  I think Flo is going to screw up my Monday morning weigh in, but once she's gone, next week should be much better.  

I go to the nut. on Wednesday where she will put me up to Stage 2 on my plan.  I can hardly wait.  We got groceries yesterday and I bought tomato soup, V-8 Frusion (pomegranate & blueberry) SF pudding in every flavor they had, and SF hot cocoa.  I can't wait to taste something other than broth, fruity stuff and coffee.  I've never looked forward to tomato soup so much in my life.  I also bought some cream of asparagus and cream of mushroom to try, but I'm doubtful about them.  I never liked them prior to surgery, so I don't know if I will now.  

I can begin my protien shakes next week too.  That should be interesting.  I had bought a ton of samples from Vitalady prior to surgery, so I have lots and lots of flavors and brands to test out.  

I've really got to plan this week out well since I'll be back at work full-time.  Water is no problem because we have bottled water.  We also have a full kitchen so I can just bring my stuff and put it in the fridge.  I can bring pudding and soup...that will get me thru the day with plenty of fluids and some nutrition too.  

I wonder how my pouch is going to react to new things?  So far nothing has bothered it at all.  I'm taking my meds, drinking milk and coffee, and had a few 100% fruit popsicles and none of those things have caused me the slightest problem.   I feel extremely lucky too, because not everyone can tolerate milk or pure fruit juices.  I never was one to have a queasy stomach, so hopefully my pouch will retain that ability and behave itself when I try something new.  

Today I'm going to attempt a short bike ride while my  daughter runs.   She runs cross country for school and she's getting herself ready for the upcoming season.  She can run, I'll try the bike.  If the bike is too much, then I'll just walk.  I'd like to get used to the bike though because it's so much more fun than just walking.  My long-term goal...maybe next year...is to be able to run with my girl...at least for a little ways! 

I went back to work yesterday and it was so good to be there.  Working helps the day go by and keeps me on a schedule.  I'm a person that flounders without a schedule.  

Last night my girls had four friends over to spend the night and watch the premiere of Disney's High School Musical 2.  We got them pizza and chips and stuff for the night.  I had to pick up the pizza after work.  Now, we live in NY and we have some of the best pizza on the planet.  I picked up ours and put it in the trunk.  I had to stop in at the store for some milk and stuff, and when I came back out, the smell in my car was pure heaven.  By the time I got home and actually looked at the pizza I was almost in physical pain from wanting it.  

I spent the whole night walking by it and touching little corners with my finger and licking the taste off.  It took every ounce of my resolve not to have a bite.  I don't think I've ever wanted something so much in life. For the first time since my surgery I felt sorry for myself that I couldn't eat.  

Mind you, I was not hungry.  I don't feel hungry at all.  But my mouth still wants to taste.  My teeth still want to chew.  My brain still wants that pleasure that comes from something delicious filling the senses.  

Don't be fooled, there's nothing easy about denying yourself that pleasure.  It's just as hard as being on a diet as a pre-op, the only difference is that I know if I do eat...it will physically damage my pouch and I'll risk serious illness.  That's all the deterrent I need.  

Fear is a great inhibitor.  However, I can see how people fail at this surgery.  If your urges are greater than your fear and determination, and you go ahead and give in to them, well then yeah, you're going to stretch the pouch until the surgery was just a waste of time.  

Last night was eye-opening for me.  It showed me that this isn't a fool-proof, "easy way out" like so many people like to think it is.  Like people say all the time around here...it's a tool.  It's up to me whether or not I actually put it to use or let it go to waste. 

Someone asked me how I got to the point where I knew this surgery was right for me.  It's a question that might require a longer answer than she expected.  

I think my complete discomfort with my body began when I was about fifteen years old.  I wasn't fat, but I wasn't thin either.  I had hips and boobs and a non-flat tummy.  I didn't feel ugly or embarassed by my body, but I did feel uncomfortable around boys.  It seemed like all my girlfriends were being asked out and having first kisses while I sort of hung around the sidelines waiting for my turn.  When a boy finally did pay any attention to me, it was in secret.  He was embarassed for anyone to know that we were "together".  

As those teenage years went by, I experienced one heart break after another.  Boys who would hook up with me while drunk at parties would then deny that anything ever happened, boys who would talk to each other about me as if I wasn't even in the room, boys who actually told me to my face that if they could put my head on so-and-so's body they might consider going out with me.  

Add to this that I grew up in a household with a mother who is petite and a father who thinks fat women are disgusting and you've got a perfect storm for my self-loathing.  

I once went to a pool party with a bunch of people from a restaurant that we worked at.  There were three girls and four or five guys.  It was 1:00 in the morning and we'd all just gotten out of work.  We were drinking and having fun.  One of the girls was already going out with one of they boys, so they were off by themselves.  This left me and Patty.  Patty was, and there's no nice  way to say this, ugly.  She was just a very unattractive girl with bad skin, buck teeth, frizzy hair, and coke bottle glasses.   However, Patty was rail thin.  So, here we are with two girls and at least four guys and I'm flirting with this one guy.  Before I know it, he's over in the pool making out with Patty.  The other three guys? Wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole.  And it's not like I was HUGE. I wore a size 16 or 18.  I weighed maybe 180lbs.   But to them I was the fat chick and no one was going to touch the fat chick when other people from work might find out about.  Better to fool around with ugly Patty, cuz at least she's not FAT.  

There are many more stories I could tell that are pretty much the same, but you get the idea.  

Of course I grew up and I married a wonderful man who always, always found me sexy and beautiful.  I'm so lucky to have found him.  When we were newlyweds we decided to diet together and work on our physcial fitness.  We were die-hard Weight Watchers for five years and it really helped me keep my weight under control.  I always hovered around the 200lb mark and I was fairly happy.  Don't get me wrong though, that fat girl mentality never went away for a moment.  It was just easier to ignore because I was in love.  

When I got pregnant with Doc the mid-wife told me to eat a little more and get a little more rest.  I took that as "eat whatever you want, whenever you want, and lay around every chance you get".   I literally ate six to eight meals a day while I was pregnant and did no exercising at all.  By the time Doc was born,  I'd packed on 80lbs.  

Again, I was happy because I had a beautiful new baby and it didn't matter that I was now waddling around at 260 (because  I did lose a few with childbirth).  

Second baby followed and I settled in to being the fat mom.  For the last ten years I've watched my body sag and stretch and get wider.  I've seen the size of my clothes go from 2XL to 4XL and from 24's to 28's.  I've watched the fat on my upper arms continue to expand until I was no longer able to wear sleeveless shirts.  I've felt my ass get so wide that I can't fit in the bath tub anymore.  And I hated everything about it.  I hated that I felt powerless over my body.  That I had no willpower to stick to a diet for more than a month.  That I couldn't control myself around food.  I honestly felt trapped by my body and I just wanted out. 

Two years ago I realized that I was deeply depressed.  I was suicidal and had uncontrollable thoughts about driving my car into large trees, or shooting myself.  When it got to the point that I was crying for hours and days on end just because I couldn't stop the tears, I finally reached out and got some help.  I started with meds and then I found a therapist.  I spent several months seeing a terrific therapist who really helped me.  He helped me face old wounds and get some closure on a couple of things that I really needed to have closure on.  Once I did those things,  he helped me to start thinking about my future and what I wanted to change in my life.  

We started working on baby steps that would help me achieve the changes I wanted to see in my life.  None of them were related to my weight.  I had much bigger fish to fry than that.  However, even at that point I was coming here to OH and reading and looking at pictures.  I knew that no matter what, I would never be happy as a fat woman.  I knew I could fix all the other things in my life, but if I didn't fix this one thing, I was never going to be content.  

Like most things in my life, I let fear control my choice about whether or not to have surgery.  I wanted it, but I was afraid.  Afraid of death, afraid of failure, afraid that it wouldn't work, afraid that it would work and yet I'd still not feel good about myself.  Afraid that I wouldn't be able to live by the rules or that I'd be so unhappy without food as my main source of pleasure that it would all be a horrible waste of time.  

It wasn't easy to come to this decision.  I swung back and forth many, many times.  But, once I actually sat down with my doctor and heard all the facts and felt like I was in good hands, I made a promise to myself that I was going to do this NO MATTER WHAT.   I would face my fears and I would do it anyway.  I knew that if I was given the "miracle" of not feeling hungry, I could stick to a program and finally lose this fat.  

It wasn't easy.  There were many days when I damn near picked up the phone and cancelled.  I just stuck to my resolve and soldiered on.  I want the fat off of my body more than I want anything else in life.  I want to live long enough to see my daughters at 30 and 40 and maybe even 50.  I want to be active and healthy and not bogged down by this weight.  

It's that old saying all over again...get busy living, or get busy dying.   I had been busy dying for a long time.  I was ready to get busy living.  

It has to be different for everyone, but I imagine that those that do take the plunge, like me, have just reached their limit with their weight and health and the way they feel.  Like an addict....we hit our bottom and we have to decide if we want to stay there, or fight our way back.  I chose to fight.