Imgoing2balooser
two years
Apr 30, 2009
its my two year birthday today!! life has taken on a brand new meaning. i'm down to 165. go me right?
wrong? i'm hungry all the time and I was down to 158. I've just started becoming obsessed with eating again. I think that it may be due to stress. Its like I have woken up and my life is back to what am i going to eat when am i going to eat it. i snack all the time. i need to get back on track. Everything in my life is so good right now, so why am i have to battle this all over again. i am so scared of gainin my weight back that i honestly think i'd rather die then go back to the way i was before. i love this new me, but i cant seem to take care of myself. no vitamins, no sticking to the plan. its like i just indulge myself because i pity myself in a few ways. .....wait did i just say i indulge myself cause i pity myself???? i think I just had a light bulb moment.
i was set to graduate with my ba in psychology in may. i withdrew my application becuase i want to keep on learning. and learning and learning. its like i can not get enough of life. i want to try everything. i think that scares a lot of people. i wont lie and say that i havent made some mistakes that i dont think i would hve made had i not had surgery. thats what life is about though, that is making mistake and learning from them. i wish i could just put it out here what i did, but i never know who is a googling hound.
i've made a few more friends and lost a few in the process. all for the best i might add. i've said this before but i didnt commit. i'm not sure why sayin it now makes a difference but starting tomorrow i'm going to get back to loving me and ensuring that my good time continues. i will do better. i'm eating probalby 2000 calories a day now. i am thinking i should probably be at 1000. when ever i go above that i feel like i'm failing, and not doing what i'm suppose to. i fall back into the self hate mode. hmmm maybe i eat because i hate myself and dont want to give myself the pleasure i get from being thin. not just stupid pleasures like attention, but i mean serious pleasure like running with my kids, and playing ball with my daughter. i mean i seriously need to evaluate why i am doing this to myself.
so my plan is to join that farrels extreme body shaping, hopefully with a body, but if i have to i will do it by myself. and to get back on track. i'll come back in a month and update.
0 comments
wrong? i'm hungry all the time and I was down to 158. I've just started becoming obsessed with eating again. I think that it may be due to stress. Its like I have woken up and my life is back to what am i going to eat when am i going to eat it. i snack all the time. i need to get back on track. Everything in my life is so good right now, so why am i have to battle this all over again. i am so scared of gainin my weight back that i honestly think i'd rather die then go back to the way i was before. i love this new me, but i cant seem to take care of myself. no vitamins, no sticking to the plan. its like i just indulge myself because i pity myself in a few ways. .....wait did i just say i indulge myself cause i pity myself???? i think I just had a light bulb moment.
i was set to graduate with my ba in psychology in may. i withdrew my application becuase i want to keep on learning. and learning and learning. its like i can not get enough of life. i want to try everything. i think that scares a lot of people. i wont lie and say that i havent made some mistakes that i dont think i would hve made had i not had surgery. thats what life is about though, that is making mistake and learning from them. i wish i could just put it out here what i did, but i never know who is a googling hound.
i've made a few more friends and lost a few in the process. all for the best i might add. i've said this before but i didnt commit. i'm not sure why sayin it now makes a difference but starting tomorrow i'm going to get back to loving me and ensuring that my good time continues. i will do better. i'm eating probalby 2000 calories a day now. i am thinking i should probably be at 1000. when ever i go above that i feel like i'm failing, and not doing what i'm suppose to. i fall back into the self hate mode. hmmm maybe i eat because i hate myself and dont want to give myself the pleasure i get from being thin. not just stupid pleasures like attention, but i mean serious pleasure like running with my kids, and playing ball with my daughter. i mean i seriously need to evaluate why i am doing this to myself.
so my plan is to join that farrels extreme body shaping, hopefully with a body, but if i have to i will do it by myself. and to get back on track. i'll come back in a month and update.
Finally my one year update
Jun 15, 2008
Hello Everyone
I apologize for the delay in my update. I know how important this website was to me pre op and even post op. So my one year anniversary was on April 30th. I've taken almost two months to update. I have been seriously trying to figure out what i'm going to write for this update. So please bear with me if I kind of ramble. I think the best way to write this update is from my heart.
So let me start with where my life was when i first got my approval. I was 310 pounds. I was miserable with myself. I hated living. I was waddling around, not social, breathing heavy and sleeping like crap. I sat inside every day watching life pass me by. I lived inside my head only. I would spend most of my time worrying about what i was going to do with my lfie. I wanted desperately to go back to school to get my bachelors in psychology. I wanted to be a psychologist with every fiber of my being. I spent a lot of time on the internet. I made lots of friends on OH and am so thankful for that. I was very insecure. I hated my life, but loved my children to much to end it.
Where am I today. Today I weighed in at around 173 pounds. I am currently going to school to work on my B.A. in Psychology. I am a 4.0 gpa student. I have made friends at school. That is something I never thought possible at 310 pounds. I just wasnt outgoing enough and was to insecure to ever speak to a stranger. Now I find myself able to speak pretty openly about things. I'm slowly getting back to being the person everyone knew was stuck inside that hideous body.I am still working the same job, but i seem to know everyone. I'm more social.
Now my marriage is just the same as it as always been. I stil dont see why my husband thinks I'm pretty. I cant imagine why he is attracted to me. I have learned to except it though and to let by gones be bygones. We have done complete role reversal. I am now the thinner one, and he is the heavier one. Dan is actually getting ready to get a lapband surgery.
I am now enjoying my life. I get to play with my kids. They can sit on my lap and lay with me on the couch. I have enough lap room for all three of them . That is the best gift of all. I am so thankful that I gave myself this opportunity.
That being said I must admit that I have made some mistakes. First and foremost I have not taken the vitamins or drank the protein the way that I should. I havent kept doctors appointments nor have i stuck to the regimine. I am not worthy of the success i have had. i drink pop. I eat carbs. I dont excersise. I am a failure in these parts. i have however changed my eating habits. I now make healthier choices. I dont eat so much. Not that I dont still struggle with food addiction. I do every day. I have my bad days, and weeks. When I am super stressed I find myself eating mindlessly. Granted I can not eat like a horse anymore but its still a habit that i struggle with. Atleast now I can say that I stop eating when i realize what i'm doing.
I am going to start doing better with this tonight. I am going to start coming back to the OH website. I need to make sure that i keep this gift in my heart and thoughts constantly so that I never go back to where i came from. I am also excited to start excersing again. I havent been totally not doing anything. I do take walks, and bike rides with the kids. i just need a more structured routine. I do eat protein first for the most part, although carbs are a demon i battle with.
I will try and update each month. I just get so depressed that sometimes coming here makes me feel like more of a failure. I think that is something that i will always struggle with. I am an insecure person when it comes to the way I look. I think I am a dog. I cant imagine why anyone would ever look at me and think different. Perhaps after some plastic surgery I will feel differently.
Until Next time,
amanda
I apologize for the delay in my update. I know how important this website was to me pre op and even post op. So my one year anniversary was on April 30th. I've taken almost two months to update. I have been seriously trying to figure out what i'm going to write for this update. So please bear with me if I kind of ramble. I think the best way to write this update is from my heart.
So let me start with where my life was when i first got my approval. I was 310 pounds. I was miserable with myself. I hated living. I was waddling around, not social, breathing heavy and sleeping like crap. I sat inside every day watching life pass me by. I lived inside my head only. I would spend most of my time worrying about what i was going to do with my lfie. I wanted desperately to go back to school to get my bachelors in psychology. I wanted to be a psychologist with every fiber of my being. I spent a lot of time on the internet. I made lots of friends on OH and am so thankful for that. I was very insecure. I hated my life, but loved my children to much to end it.
Where am I today. Today I weighed in at around 173 pounds. I am currently going to school to work on my B.A. in Psychology. I am a 4.0 gpa student. I have made friends at school. That is something I never thought possible at 310 pounds. I just wasnt outgoing enough and was to insecure to ever speak to a stranger. Now I find myself able to speak pretty openly about things. I'm slowly getting back to being the person everyone knew was stuck inside that hideous body.I am still working the same job, but i seem to know everyone. I'm more social.
Now my marriage is just the same as it as always been. I stil dont see why my husband thinks I'm pretty. I cant imagine why he is attracted to me. I have learned to except it though and to let by gones be bygones. We have done complete role reversal. I am now the thinner one, and he is the heavier one. Dan is actually getting ready to get a lapband surgery.
I am now enjoying my life. I get to play with my kids. They can sit on my lap and lay with me on the couch. I have enough lap room for all three of them . That is the best gift of all. I am so thankful that I gave myself this opportunity.
That being said I must admit that I have made some mistakes. First and foremost I have not taken the vitamins or drank the protein the way that I should. I havent kept doctors appointments nor have i stuck to the regimine. I am not worthy of the success i have had. i drink pop. I eat carbs. I dont excersise. I am a failure in these parts. i have however changed my eating habits. I now make healthier choices. I dont eat so much. Not that I dont still struggle with food addiction. I do every day. I have my bad days, and weeks. When I am super stressed I find myself eating mindlessly. Granted I can not eat like a horse anymore but its still a habit that i struggle with. Atleast now I can say that I stop eating when i realize what i'm doing.
I am going to start doing better with this tonight. I am going to start coming back to the OH website. I need to make sure that i keep this gift in my heart and thoughts constantly so that I never go back to where i came from. I am also excited to start excersing again. I havent been totally not doing anything. I do take walks, and bike rides with the kids. i just need a more structured routine. I do eat protein first for the most part, although carbs are a demon i battle with.
I will try and update each month. I just get so depressed that sometimes coming here makes me feel like more of a failure. I think that is something that i will always struggle with. I am an insecure person when it comes to the way I look. I think I am a dog. I cant imagine why anyone would ever look at me and think different. Perhaps after some plastic surgery I will feel differently.
Until Next time,
amanda
A Update!
Dec 28, 2007
12/28/07
Hello Everyone
I havent been around much lately. I wish that I could say its because I'm out working my ass out but I'm not. I'm working full time still, and going to school full time at night. I'm squeezing in being a wife and mom. I'm down to 210 pounds. That is pretty good I am told. Its a hundred pounds in eight months. To me it doesnt feel like enough. I am failing. I have said that since day one. Now a normal person would turn themselves around and quit failing.
I'm not normal. Some days I feel like the world is stacked against me. I hear myself say when do i have time to workout. Its an excuse. I should be working out. LIke I said before I am a grazer. I dont really dump, but then again i Dont eat enough of anything to dump. I am still addicted to carbs though. Thats pathetic. I dont take protein, I dont take vitamins and I sure dont take calcium or iron. Maybe thats why my foot still hurts.
So looking back on the last 100 pounds. I am so happy that it is gone for good. I am going to keep it off! I might not be losing like I should but I am not going to regain it back. I wont eat if I'm not hungry. Thats a positive change. I wont eat greasy fatty food. Thats a positive change. I am looking forward to the next sixty pound coming off with some hard work at the gym. I hope that I can do that. I want to work out. I am going to work out.
Thanks so much for the people who have emailed. Velda is such an inspiration to me because I feel like we are expirencing most of the same things.
Right now it is crazy in my house and I wanted to steal a minute to update. I will be back tomorrow talk about some of the things I want to talk about :)
Amanda
Hello Everyone
I havent been around much lately. I wish that I could say its because I'm out working my ass out but I'm not. I'm working full time still, and going to school full time at night. I'm squeezing in being a wife and mom. I'm down to 210 pounds. That is pretty good I am told. Its a hundred pounds in eight months. To me it doesnt feel like enough. I am failing. I have said that since day one. Now a normal person would turn themselves around and quit failing.
I'm not normal. Some days I feel like the world is stacked against me. I hear myself say when do i have time to workout. Its an excuse. I should be working out. LIke I said before I am a grazer. I dont really dump, but then again i Dont eat enough of anything to dump. I am still addicted to carbs though. Thats pathetic. I dont take protein, I dont take vitamins and I sure dont take calcium or iron. Maybe thats why my foot still hurts.
So looking back on the last 100 pounds. I am so happy that it is gone for good. I am going to keep it off! I might not be losing like I should but I am not going to regain it back. I wont eat if I'm not hungry. Thats a positive change. I wont eat greasy fatty food. Thats a positive change. I am looking forward to the next sixty pound coming off with some hard work at the gym. I hope that I can do that. I want to work out. I am going to work out.
Thanks so much for the people who have emailed. Velda is such an inspiration to me because I feel like we are expirencing most of the same things.
Right now it is crazy in my house and I wanted to steal a minute to update. I will be back tomorrow talk about some of the things I want to talk about :)
Amanda
Where the Hell have I've been?
Sep 29, 2007
9/29/7
Hello Everyone
I must apologize for my failure to update and keep track of the website. I suck. I'm down to 235. Thats seventy pounds and a little over four months out. I am a failure. I havent really changed all of my habits. Im a grazer! Thats the worth thing of all. I do now not eat a lot of anything, but I cant make a choice to eat bad food. I just cant. I cant say i'm having this for dinner. I might say I'll have a bite of it but I'm having something else.
I am back in school working towards my BA in Psychology at Grandview here in Des Moines. I go to school at night from like 530 to 1030 twice a week. Its crazy. I feel like there is never enough time to work in some excersise. So I try to be moving a lot. I cant believe I've messed this surgery thing up.
I dont drink enough protein. I dont drink enough water, I drink pop...after giving it up for months I'm back to drinking it. I suck. I dont take my vitamins. SO no wonder my hair is becoming thing. I just hope that if I try and increase it I can get enough in to be able to grow my hair back.
I dont know. SO I'm discouraged. I am in therapy still and its working nice. Maybe I can figure my problem out. Pray for me!
Amanda
7/30/7
Jul 31, 2007
7/30/7
Undefined
Hello Everyone!
I thought I would update and tell everyone that I weigh between 252 and 250. I've lost about 55 pounds. Thats pretty good I imagine. It still doesnt feel like enough, and I havent really gone down any in clothing. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the excersise, and the fact that I have all this disgusting fat that hangs off of my body. I will take the 55 pounds though, because like a friend pointed out to me "when was the last time I lost 55 pounds in three months?" NEVER.
I am still eating things I shouldnt. I'm back to drinking Diet Pepsi. I'm such an idiot I was off the stuff why am I drinking it again? I suppose it's because I like it more then Crystal light. I'm burned out on Crystal Light. I'm eating mostly chicken cesar salads (grilled of course) from Mcdonalds or some Birds Eye Viola Three Cheese Chicken. Thats pretty much it, I have some bites of things others are eating if I'm hungry. Recently I've been doing better with the Protein. So I'm happy to say that. The vitamins are another story.
I've been seeing a therapist and I have admitted to her and a few close friends that I am in the apathetic phase of depression. I dont care about much of anything except for my kids. Even there I'm not doing the best. I could care less about myself. I hate myself ...fat or skinny. Everyone knew that wouldnt change with the weight loss. I hate everything about me. When my kids are adults I feel like I should apologize for giving them my genes. The therapist is going to work on that with me, not that its fixable because its not.
Today was a prime example of how I know I have to be the ugliest woman to ever walk this earth. There is a certain someone in my department that thinks she is the cats meow! She struts and acts all nice but really she is a hateful vindictive bitch. With a big ass I might add. She wears clothes that are not suited for her attributes. Today a friend of mine said..."Amanda I think her ass is bigger then yours..." So I said "are you saying that I had/have a big ass?" She just looked at me and smiled and I said see gotcha. So all this time I've thought this woman was my friend...she is my friend and look at what she was thinking this whole time. I know that they think I'm just the typical fat person. THey dont know what a typical fat person is. So that sucked
Then just twenty minutes ago I was dropping of the kids at my Father in law's church youth group and I swear someone made a fat joke.
I could puke I hate myself so much right now. I am thinking about all the things Dan says to me about how pretty I am how much weight I've lost. How much he thinks I have a nice ass, I think he just says those things so he'll believe them not me. Well I'm off to hang my head in shame. I've got to get back to pick up the kids.
Peace and Protein
Amanda
Undefined
Hello Everyone!
I thought I would update and tell everyone that I weigh between 252 and 250. I've lost about 55 pounds. Thats pretty good I imagine. It still doesnt feel like enough, and I havent really gone down any in clothing. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the excersise, and the fact that I have all this disgusting fat that hangs off of my body. I will take the 55 pounds though, because like a friend pointed out to me "when was the last time I lost 55 pounds in three months?" NEVER.
I am still eating things I shouldnt. I'm back to drinking Diet Pepsi. I'm such an idiot I was off the stuff why am I drinking it again? I suppose it's because I like it more then Crystal light. I'm burned out on Crystal Light. I'm eating mostly chicken cesar salads (grilled of course) from Mcdonalds or some Birds Eye Viola Three Cheese Chicken. Thats pretty much it, I have some bites of things others are eating if I'm hungry. Recently I've been doing better with the Protein. So I'm happy to say that. The vitamins are another story.
I've been seeing a therapist and I have admitted to her and a few close friends that I am in the apathetic phase of depression. I dont care about much of anything except for my kids. Even there I'm not doing the best. I could care less about myself. I hate myself ...fat or skinny. Everyone knew that wouldnt change with the weight loss. I hate everything about me. When my kids are adults I feel like I should apologize for giving them my genes. The therapist is going to work on that with me, not that its fixable because its not.
Today was a prime example of how I know I have to be the ugliest woman to ever walk this earth. There is a certain someone in my department that thinks she is the cats meow! She struts and acts all nice but really she is a hateful vindictive bitch. With a big ass I might add. She wears clothes that are not suited for her attributes. Today a friend of mine said..."Amanda I think her ass is bigger then yours..." So I said "are you saying that I had/have a big ass?" She just looked at me and smiled and I said see gotcha. So all this time I've thought this woman was my friend...she is my friend and look at what she was thinking this whole time. I know that they think I'm just the typical fat person. THey dont know what a typical fat person is. So that sucked
Then just twenty minutes ago I was dropping of the kids at my Father in law's church youth group and I swear someone made a fat joke.
I could puke I hate myself so much right now. I am thinking about all the things Dan says to me about how pretty I am how much weight I've lost. How much he thinks I have a nice ass, I think he just says those things so he'll believe them not me. Well I'm off to hang my head in shame. I've got to get back to pick up the kids.
Peace and Protein
Amanda
MoonWalker
Jul 08, 2007
7/8/7
Hello Everyone
Well I did indeed start going to see an addiction therapist. I've had two sessions with her and I like her very much. Although we really havent gotten into the food addiction yet. I'm still eating things I shouldnt. I've had popcorn at the movies, sips of diet soda, beef, a few bites of fast food, pasta and potatoes. Granted not a lot of bites or anything, and I've learned not to eat past what is comfortable. So I'm learning. I've lost about 45 pounds so far. That doesnt seem anywhere near enough. I've also fell of the excersise bandwagon. Although I am more active I'm not doing what the doctor suggests.
Now I cant. I broke my foot on Saturday. I went to jump up from my loveseat and chase after Dan and I heard it pop and felt a snap and expierenced some serious pain. I just screamed forever. I propped it up for about half an hour or fourty five minutes, and then tried to suck it up and walk on it. Well I could put a little weight on it so I decided to go ahead and take my kids to see TRANSFORMERS. By the end of the movie it hurt worse and I couldnt walk on it without serious pain. When I got home and took my sock off I had a big knot and a hellova bruise. So I went to the ER.
I sat there for two and a half hours waiting on a doctor. The nurse that decided in which order we went back made the comment to an older lady ahead of me that she determined who needed to be seen first based on criteria. That pissed me off. There I sat in a wheel chair in a crowded room being bumped into, with a possibly broken foot. (at this time I thought I just sprained it bad). One of the freaking ER nursed pushed another patients wheel chair into mine. SO I told Dan rather loudly that she had about twenty minutes to get me back there or I was going to get her name report her and go to another hospital. Well it was about ten minutes later when I was taken back to X-ray. THen taken back to the waiting room, and a few minutes later back to a room.
From my room I could see the doctor reviewing my x-rays. He came in and looked at my foot and tried to touch it. But I would stop him. He then went back out and asked another doctor "I'm not crazy, there is no break there" the other doctor said "dude you have to blow up the xray. Its there" So needless to say I have a tiny fracture with a little bone chip on my left foot. I got a moonboot looking thing, and some crutches and orders to not walk on my foot.
Let me tell you this sucks. I am so bad with those crutches. I made it about half way out of the ER and then opted for a wheel chair. I'm just to fat for this. Now I cant exercise for awhile.
I feel like a failure. Like I'm not doing enough. I"m going to be fat forever!!!!!! I'm going to be a failure at using this tool just like everything else in my life. Its like I'm watching a movie and I cant change anything. ITs all predestined. The only way for me to succeed is with GOD, and guess what ?? I messed that up long ago!
I hope today finds you better then it has found me.
Much Love
Amanda
Hello Everyone
Well I did indeed start going to see an addiction therapist. I've had two sessions with her and I like her very much. Although we really havent gotten into the food addiction yet. I'm still eating things I shouldnt. I've had popcorn at the movies, sips of diet soda, beef, a few bites of fast food, pasta and potatoes. Granted not a lot of bites or anything, and I've learned not to eat past what is comfortable. So I'm learning. I've lost about 45 pounds so far. That doesnt seem anywhere near enough. I've also fell of the excersise bandwagon. Although I am more active I'm not doing what the doctor suggests.
Now I cant. I broke my foot on Saturday. I went to jump up from my loveseat and chase after Dan and I heard it pop and felt a snap and expierenced some serious pain. I just screamed forever. I propped it up for about half an hour or fourty five minutes, and then tried to suck it up and walk on it. Well I could put a little weight on it so I decided to go ahead and take my kids to see TRANSFORMERS. By the end of the movie it hurt worse and I couldnt walk on it without serious pain. When I got home and took my sock off I had a big knot and a hellova bruise. So I went to the ER.
I sat there for two and a half hours waiting on a doctor. The nurse that decided in which order we went back made the comment to an older lady ahead of me that she determined who needed to be seen first based on criteria. That pissed me off. There I sat in a wheel chair in a crowded room being bumped into, with a possibly broken foot. (at this time I thought I just sprained it bad). One of the freaking ER nursed pushed another patients wheel chair into mine. SO I told Dan rather loudly that she had about twenty minutes to get me back there or I was going to get her name report her and go to another hospital. Well it was about ten minutes later when I was taken back to X-ray. THen taken back to the waiting room, and a few minutes later back to a room.
From my room I could see the doctor reviewing my x-rays. He came in and looked at my foot and tried to touch it. But I would stop him. He then went back out and asked another doctor "I'm not crazy, there is no break there" the other doctor said "dude you have to blow up the xray. Its there" So needless to say I have a tiny fracture with a little bone chip on my left foot. I got a moonboot looking thing, and some crutches and orders to not walk on my foot.
Let me tell you this sucks. I am so bad with those crutches. I made it about half way out of the ER and then opted for a wheel chair. I'm just to fat for this. Now I cant exercise for awhile.
I feel like a failure. Like I'm not doing enough. I"m going to be fat forever!!!!!! I'm going to be a failure at using this tool just like everything else in my life. Its like I'm watching a movie and I cant change anything. ITs all predestined. The only way for me to succeed is with GOD, and guess what ?? I messed that up long ago!
I hope today finds you better then it has found me.
Much Love
Amanda
Somethings Got to Give
Jun 24, 2007
6/24
Hi everyone
I have decided that I am going to see an addiction therapist. I obviously have a problem with food. Its getting to be beyone an occasional cheaters bite. I cheat everyday by taking a bite of this a couple bites of that. There is just no stopping me. I even ate movie theater popcorn last night. WHat the hell was I thinking. I mean I feel so guilty, but not guilty enough to just stop. Im impulsive, if something looks good I take a bite. Before I know it I'm chewing away thinking how great it tastes. This is so much harder then I thought it was going to be. I thought if I took a cheaters bite I'd dump and be one sorry mo fo. Not so.
I need to get at why I do these impulsive things. Why I keep self sabotaging. I've only lost 34 pounds. Some of the peeps I've seen have lost over 60. I know not to compare myself to others but its hard when I know that I'm failing. Of course the doctor says I'm right where I need to be, but he doesnt have my heart or consiouness.
I wanted this surgery and second chance at life for over four years! Four freaking years and now that I have it I'm throwing it away? Thats not right there is something messed up in my head. I think I cheat because I feel sorry for myself for not being able to enjoy food anymore. I dont really enjoy anything. I try but I just dont. Of course my kids make me laugh, but when I'm around them all I think about is how I've failed them. How I will fail them, how its just a matter of time before they two hate me. Maybe thats what food has given me is acceptance. That sounds totally nuts considering I'm an only child and my parents adore me. My husband says he adores me, and my kids are suppose to adore me. Maybe I have some sort of performance anxiety. I do feel like I constantly am performing...have to get this right have to get that right. My obsessing is to the point where things dont get done. I am just falling apart. Its not just the food thing or the surgery thing. I'm just mentally cracking. I dont feel like anyone knows me. THey only know what I let them know.....whatever I put on the show for. Which that type of person is so opposite from everything I was or want to be. I used to be that girl that was real all the time. I spoke my mind. Now I keep my mind to myself.
On top of all this I've been thinking more and more about what I look like. I'm fat and accepted that. I thought I was working on changing that but I am messing it up. I'm talking about hating my teeth, hating my cheap disgusting clothes, hating my eyebrows, my feet, my skin. I Look like shit. Its no wonder no one takes me seriously. I basically wear one color....black. I have five pairs of pants and 10 t-shirts that are men's t-shirts or Dickies brand workshirts. I have two pair of cords, a pair of pinstripe pants, and some sort of pants that are kind of stretchy. I wear these to work, no make up, no hair done. Just brushed (some days half way) and pulled back in a pony tail. This is who I am. This is how I present myself to the world. Crooked teeth and all.
My friend Ashley's husband asked her if I was starting to switch things up. DO my hair and wear make up. Wear different clothes or anything. When Ashely said not really he informed her "she will". But you know I might not. I dont feel like I should . In my head I know that I should really work on my self presentation skills, thats why I'm not going to get promoted or whatever. I just dont feel like taking the effort. Hell who am I kidding I dont know how to make the effort. WHen I put on clothes that arent black or that look "nice" and do my make up I dont feel like myself. I feel like people are thinking "what is she doing? who does she think she is? " I feel like I am just a big joke. I dont feel like society has given me the right to do this. I feel like Im committing a crime or something. So I look like the castoff that I feel I am. I've never been anyone's first pick. I'm always second best. Its almost like GOd is punishing me because of the love I got from my parents. Its almost like I've used up my life's supply of acceptance and love.
I'm slowly withdrawing from everything. If only I could switch addictions to excerise and get my control from there. That would be awesome. Hmm....what a day today is shaping up to be....I feel like I could crawl in a hole now and since my family is at church I think I am going to go do that. My pillows are caling and my blanket will keep out the light of day. I've got the perfect opportunity to retreat back to my head.
I hope and pray that today finds you better then it has me,
Amanda
Hi everyone
I have decided that I am going to see an addiction therapist. I obviously have a problem with food. Its getting to be beyone an occasional cheaters bite. I cheat everyday by taking a bite of this a couple bites of that. There is just no stopping me. I even ate movie theater popcorn last night. WHat the hell was I thinking. I mean I feel so guilty, but not guilty enough to just stop. Im impulsive, if something looks good I take a bite. Before I know it I'm chewing away thinking how great it tastes. This is so much harder then I thought it was going to be. I thought if I took a cheaters bite I'd dump and be one sorry mo fo. Not so.
I need to get at why I do these impulsive things. Why I keep self sabotaging. I've only lost 34 pounds. Some of the peeps I've seen have lost over 60. I know not to compare myself to others but its hard when I know that I'm failing. Of course the doctor says I'm right where I need to be, but he doesnt have my heart or consiouness.
I wanted this surgery and second chance at life for over four years! Four freaking years and now that I have it I'm throwing it away? Thats not right there is something messed up in my head. I think I cheat because I feel sorry for myself for not being able to enjoy food anymore. I dont really enjoy anything. I try but I just dont. Of course my kids make me laugh, but when I'm around them all I think about is how I've failed them. How I will fail them, how its just a matter of time before they two hate me. Maybe thats what food has given me is acceptance. That sounds totally nuts considering I'm an only child and my parents adore me. My husband says he adores me, and my kids are suppose to adore me. Maybe I have some sort of performance anxiety. I do feel like I constantly am performing...have to get this right have to get that right. My obsessing is to the point where things dont get done. I am just falling apart. Its not just the food thing or the surgery thing. I'm just mentally cracking. I dont feel like anyone knows me. THey only know what I let them know.....whatever I put on the show for. Which that type of person is so opposite from everything I was or want to be. I used to be that girl that was real all the time. I spoke my mind. Now I keep my mind to myself.
On top of all this I've been thinking more and more about what I look like. I'm fat and accepted that. I thought I was working on changing that but I am messing it up. I'm talking about hating my teeth, hating my cheap disgusting clothes, hating my eyebrows, my feet, my skin. I Look like shit. Its no wonder no one takes me seriously. I basically wear one color....black. I have five pairs of pants and 10 t-shirts that are men's t-shirts or Dickies brand workshirts. I have two pair of cords, a pair of pinstripe pants, and some sort of pants that are kind of stretchy. I wear these to work, no make up, no hair done. Just brushed (some days half way) and pulled back in a pony tail. This is who I am. This is how I present myself to the world. Crooked teeth and all.
My friend Ashley's husband asked her if I was starting to switch things up. DO my hair and wear make up. Wear different clothes or anything. When Ashely said not really he informed her "she will". But you know I might not. I dont feel like I should . In my head I know that I should really work on my self presentation skills, thats why I'm not going to get promoted or whatever. I just dont feel like taking the effort. Hell who am I kidding I dont know how to make the effort. WHen I put on clothes that arent black or that look "nice" and do my make up I dont feel like myself. I feel like people are thinking "what is she doing? who does she think she is? " I feel like I am just a big joke. I dont feel like society has given me the right to do this. I feel like Im committing a crime or something. So I look like the castoff that I feel I am. I've never been anyone's first pick. I'm always second best. Its almost like GOd is punishing me because of the love I got from my parents. Its almost like I've used up my life's supply of acceptance and love.
I'm slowly withdrawing from everything. If only I could switch addictions to excerise and get my control from there. That would be awesome. Hmm....what a day today is shaping up to be....I feel like I could crawl in a hole now and since my family is at church I think I am going to go do that. My pillows are caling and my blanket will keep out the light of day. I've got the perfect opportunity to retreat back to my head.
I hope and pray that today finds you better then it has me,
Amanda
My appointment
Jun 21, 2007
Hello Readers
I went to my appointment on the 20th. I weigh 273..thats 34 pounds lost off of my body. I couldnt believe it when Tracy said that. I admitted that I cheated to the dr. smolick. He just looked at me without judging and said "You've really got to beat this addiction now!" He gave me encouragement to not quit. I do have a addiction. It wasnt how much I ate before it was what I ate. I fixed the problem of how much, and now I have to fix all by myself what I eat. I am seriously considering looking into an addiction therapist.
Dr. Smolick also told me to hit the gym more times during the week. According to him I am right where I need to be as far as weight loss goes. I really am trying. I eat once a day...but have trouble with the snacking. I take a little cheaters bite. Recently I have been getting in water. Two 20 ounce bottles at work. Today I didnt but I still have enough time to get that done.
A big thanks goes out to Dyno...for her encouraging words that I recived today. SHe is an awesome girl.
Anyway I'm off to see the wizard.....
Amanda
I went to my appointment on the 20th. I weigh 273..thats 34 pounds lost off of my body. I couldnt believe it when Tracy said that. I admitted that I cheated to the dr. smolick. He just looked at me without judging and said "You've really got to beat this addiction now!" He gave me encouragement to not quit. I do have a addiction. It wasnt how much I ate before it was what I ate. I fixed the problem of how much, and now I have to fix all by myself what I eat. I am seriously considering looking into an addiction therapist.
Dr. Smolick also told me to hit the gym more times during the week. According to him I am right where I need to be as far as weight loss goes. I really am trying. I eat once a day...but have trouble with the snacking. I take a little cheaters bite. Recently I have been getting in water. Two 20 ounce bottles at work. Today I didnt but I still have enough time to get that done.
A big thanks goes out to Dyno...for her encouraging words that I recived today. SHe is an awesome girl.
Anyway I'm off to see the wizard.....
Amanda
I suck
Jun 17, 2007
Hello everyone
I give up. Thats all there is to it. I havent been able to get the water, protein or vitamins in the way I had thought I WOuld be able to. THe way this tool was designed to work for. I have cheated and ate bread, potatos and tonight some rice. Rice a roni at that. I just cant get it together. TOnight the rice a roni was such a comfort and tasted so good that I nibbled all night. I've lost maybe 23 pounds now. The 20th when I go to the dr I am gong to tell him that I am a failure and that I wont be back. Not for anything. I made a mistake in believing that I am a strong enough person to complete this journey. Thats it ...thats all I have to say
Amanda
I give up. Thats all there is to it. I havent been able to get the water, protein or vitamins in the way I had thought I WOuld be able to. THe way this tool was designed to work for. I have cheated and ate bread, potatos and tonight some rice. Rice a roni at that. I just cant get it together. TOnight the rice a roni was such a comfort and tasted so good that I nibbled all night. I've lost maybe 23 pounds now. The 20th when I go to the dr I am gong to tell him that I am a failure and that I wont be back. Not for anything. I made a mistake in believing that I am a strong enough person to complete this journey. Thats it ...thats all I have to say
Amanda
22 pounds
Jun 05, 2007
6/5/7
Hey there faithful readers LOL
So I did something today that I didnt think I would do. I weighed myself. What happened is exactly what I thought would happen. The scale hasnt moved. I'm disappointed! I find myself saying...did I do this for 22 pounds? I swear that I could shake someone. I'm so irritated. I swear everyone asks me how much I've lost, or worse yet "have you lost any weight yet?" I just want to say no...i've been through hell, and i cant eat but absolutely not. I have not lost an ounce. I'm not buying into that whole "but you've lost inches" school of thought either. Because no I havent lost any inches.
I did do 20minutes on 3.0 on the treadmill for a mile. Then I did ten minutes on the stationary bike at a little over four miles. So I am excersising.
I'm so irritable anymore. I think its becuase I feel guilty for trying new foods. Like the carbs. Granted I dont eat them everyday, and I have only 'cheated' four times but still I feel like shit for it.
I'm not getting in the protein like before, or the water. I think its becuase I am tired. I did at least try to get in a protein shake today. I mixed strawberries, splenda and isopure and got my shake. Only about four ounces left to drink YAY ME. I suppose that could be why I'm not loosing.
Anywho A BIG THANK YOU GOES OUT TO THE APRIL BOARD FOR LISTENING TO ME WHINE SOMETIMES. THANK YOU!!!
Muah
Amanda
Hey there faithful readers LOL
So I did something today that I didnt think I would do. I weighed myself. What happened is exactly what I thought would happen. The scale hasnt moved. I'm disappointed! I find myself saying...did I do this for 22 pounds? I swear that I could shake someone. I'm so irritated. I swear everyone asks me how much I've lost, or worse yet "have you lost any weight yet?" I just want to say no...i've been through hell, and i cant eat but absolutely not. I have not lost an ounce. I'm not buying into that whole "but you've lost inches" school of thought either. Because no I havent lost any inches.
I did do 20minutes on 3.0 on the treadmill for a mile. Then I did ten minutes on the stationary bike at a little over four miles. So I am excersising.
I'm so irritable anymore. I think its becuase I feel guilty for trying new foods. Like the carbs. Granted I dont eat them everyday, and I have only 'cheated' four times but still I feel like shit for it.
I'm not getting in the protein like before, or the water. I think its becuase I am tired. I did at least try to get in a protein shake today. I mixed strawberries, splenda and isopure and got my shake. Only about four ounces left to drink YAY ME. I suppose that could be why I'm not loosing.
Anywho A BIG THANK YOU GOES OUT TO THE APRIL BOARD FOR LISTENING TO ME WHINE SOMETIMES. THANK YOU!!!
Muah
Amanda
