japaad
(7-28-07) Its been a few weeks since i posted.. I just wanted to say i have finally gotten to go to one of the support group meetings and i loved it.. there were so many people there, some that have had their surgery as long as 1999. One lady on my right had hers 5 years ago and the one on my left just had hers the week before and she was sitting there like an angel.. :) It gave me HOPE, FAITH, and more importantly LOVE for the people there and the situation i have always put myself into.. I have finally realized that this has had to do with me.. not food.. but me.. and what I want out of life.. I want to be healthy and i want to be able to walk with my children and my husband and not have to sit because my "security blanket" was making me so tired i couldn't find it in my heart to do what the rest of the family wants to do.. or even find it in my heart to be healthy.. My step mom is very scarred for me but she is also very loving about it. She isn't one to "go under the knife" for any reason. she did loose a lot of weight in her lifetime and she thinks that i can do it.. I know i will need the "tool" to do it and thats just exactly what it is.. a tool that this brain will not be able to fool anymore.. (ok i know it will try, but im determind and I pray that God will give me the strength to stay determind)
I have only 16 more days till i get my surgery.. I will try and post as soon as i can.. Im going to have my husband bring the laptop up with him and show him before we leave how to post but not sure if he will. He is such a good guy and very supportive of me.. and Im so blessed by that..
May God be with and bless you all.
take care,
Paula A
oh my goodness its been forever since ive been on here. well a new year has come and i am still waiting for surgery, i have started receiving ssi but i have not been put on Medicare yet, im not sure why and i cant understand whats realy going on so im a confused person in a very conformed world, if that makes any sence.. :(
anyhow i have been on this wls journey for over a year now, i have had all my tests done and am waiting on the insurance approval now praying everyday that it gets approved. Its so weird now because the "system" is changing ( the welfare system that is) i guess we have to take an insurance group now and im not sure what that all means, like i said im very confused and it seems that the more questions i ask the further confused i get so ive stopped asking and started praying a lot. God will get me through this, He is all I need. Yes my faith is strong and yes He is all i need spiritually. Physically though thats another story all together. I think we all need to know we are needed, and thats what i mean about the physically part, to know someones there in the flesh.
I was talking to a friend the other day on the phone and i just realized that i have never had a "single" digit number pair of pants on ever in my life, and then the tears started all over again, i so want to be healthy and i so want to have that single digit experience, and i know that i will get there but the waiting is the hardest part of all of this.. I guess that will make it so much more worth it in the end..
When in church last night there was a lady that said "Im so tired of trying to get fit and exsersize" and i looked at her and said "I cant wait till i can" she said "thank you, you just put it in perspective for me" I didn't quite know what she meant for a few mins and then it hit me, wow i just encouraged someone to keep working on them self, so i said to her, "when i was able to exsersize i prayed for anything and everything that i could think of, it made it go faster and at the end i couldn't believe how fast it went" she was very glad that i shared that with her and said that she was going straight over to our local gym.
ok enough about me already..lol
i will write more in a few days.
God bless you all and know that your journey helps our journey, when you go through it we all go through it with you..
Paula
ok what happened to all my other posts?? if you know how to read them then go a head if you can not, i do not know what to do., :( I sure hope this works... i found my "old" notes so here it goes...
(5-21-07) Im sorry it has taken me this long to post on here again.. I really love this site, but i have started college online and haven't been able to get on here :(( anyhow, my doctors office finally sent my papers into the insurance company last tuesday 5-15-07 and they called me today, i was getting ready to go to my counseling so i didn't hear it ring and then i saw there was a message (which was shocking cause its not been giving me my messages)
So i tried to get back to them and it was busy so while in the counselors office i thought about it again and was like well i'll try when i get out to the car..Yes im patient..lol but i thought it was just another one of those calls where i forgot to do something or my doctor forgot to do something.. :(
well I finally called and got the lady who called me and she said "This hasn't happened before, but we submitted the insurance request last Tuesday and when i came into work today there was a letter waiting for me... and it was authorized" I said "authorized? does that mean im approved?" and she said "yes" i screamed...LOL Im so sorry that i screamed in her ear.. i apologized and she said no problem..lol so now i go to see the doctor on the 7 of June since it had been almost a year since i had seen him..lol yeah but if they would have remembered all the trouble i had with everything, then they would have remember it was forever..lol
OK im going to go now.. just thought i would update while i could..
God is the one who did this.. and God is the one who gets all the glory..
God be with you all
Paula
I just thank God right now for giving me the patients to endure this so far and i pray the everything goes good :) God be with everyone.
(2-27-2007)oh my gosh has it been a while, im so sorry, i have been very busy during the holiday season, with changing churches and we even moved into our new home.
Well what a rollercoaster ride and this wasnt the roller coaster i wanted to be on really.. ;) i want to be small enough to ride a true one that goes like 0-60 in 1.2 seconds up a big hill with a desend that takes your breath a way, but not one that is mental with no joy in riding it.. maybe after i get the surgery i can look back and say that every thing was a joy ride but right now i pray that this will be the only mental problem that i will succeed in all things and become healthy once in my life.. the only thing that my drs is waiting on is the rest of my Phych stuff. i have been going to counseling since August and i have started another new depression drug.. symbolta this time.. they have had me on several ones and they all gave me such a headache and my ears would seem so pluged up like in a car going up a very steep hill.. anyhow i hope and pray that this one doesn't do that to me.. :(
well i have lost a few lbs and im hoping i didnt loose to much because there is also something that if i am not over the 40 BMI then i dont qualify.. and im back to never being healthy.. so pray that im not losing my chance to get this life saving surgery, you'd think i would be happy that i lost 20lbs but i know that thats only for little bit and it will come back just like always and i will have to start all over again :( i sure hope now..
please pray for me that i can get this surgery so very soon, i want to start my life.
God bless you all and thanks for reading my page
(8-7-06) Well two weeks ago i had my psych eval and they asked if i would go to a councelor for my depression so i scheduled an appoiontment with my councelor for the 16th :) and also because im not as familur with "foods" afterwards she recomended that i take a few classes on that too :) which im looking forward to that realy im not a very good "food" person dahhhh obviously lol.. i have had a lot of ups and downs with my case worker/insurance through the local "help" organisation, so thats still a strugle, i had my lung test today which the therapist said things look good that the dr will get the results tomorow, and tomorow i have my abdomin altrasound and my endoscope so we'll see from there whats up.. take care all
God will get me through all of this i know it.. its just scarry going through all the bumps
God bless all
paula
(7-22-06) Sorry its been so long since i updated, here is whats happening now, i have been aproved for ssi but i will not get medicare i think it has something to do with my age, and to be truethful im not sure what questions to ask for all the stuff, but through medicaid in this county they have gone to "individual" insurance things and mine has change so through the new prograhm/insurance thing so far the only requirements are, you have to have a comorbid obesity problem and you have to be on a supervised diet for 6 months so the rollercoaster ride that i have been on is realy going fast now. I cant say how many times i have had ups and downs or there were days id wake up and have good news about the wls and then go to bed with bad news.. it is a process that is ever changing. I just keep praying that i can get this soon i want to start a new healthier way of living, i want my family to start a new healthier way of living, i cant quiet get my daughter to understand that what she puts in her mouth now will be a lot harder to take off later but most importantly the healthier way to eat is the best way all around. I had a dream that my old pcp asked why i couldn't just lose weight like everyone else does on diets why do you want to take the easy way out,,, and you know for the first time i was able to answer that question with a truethfull answer.. I said "do you know whats easy?? Easy is being able to drive through a fast food place and say "can i have large fries with that" easy is "i'll do 10 situps more tomorow and tomorow never coming, easy is when you go to the grocery and can pick out a bag of chips and dip and on the way home eat some before anyone else can get some, easy is when you feel down about how you look and feel and grab a candy bar for comfort" do you realy think surgery is going to be easy for me, taking my life and risking death so that i will have to stop doing "easy" anymore.. do you think that the drive throughs going to have the right protien i need?? do you think that going through a grocery store and having to pick the right foods out cause i may get realy deathly sick is easy?? well i dont and i don't know to many wls patients who do, its not about will power its about no power, its just like the alcoholic who has to pass the bar cause he knows he is sick and thats making him sicker, its no different then the pill alcoholics can get to make them sick so they cant drink, why is drug/alcohol abuse (in not trying to put those things down or anything trust me my family has more drug/alcohol abuse in it and i respect them exspecialy the ones who know they need help and are getting it) able to be a treatable disease (sp?) but obesity isn't, its in the same social catagory in my mind as drug/alcohol abuse its just that food is our drug and wls is our help., why is it so hard for people to understand? the drug/alcohol abuser has a choise to not put that stuff in their system and they are if i may use this word. pardond for their disease. I once asked my husband that if someone was using a cutting me would you be mad? and he of cource said yes i'd try and hurt them back, so i proceeded with, "how do you know that when someone speaks bad to me that thats the same thing, why does there have to be physical marks?? my point is this, the drug/alcohol abuser doesnt have to show "marks" anymore people know they are hurting themselves but what they do and they are able to get help if they ask, but when a person with a weight disease asks for help its almost unthinkable because "they did this to themselves" so how do we change peoples minds about wls? im not sure but i sure hope to help if at all possible.
God bless you all and i pray each and everyone of you much happiness
Paula
(5-17-06) Well i went to the back surgeons appointment yestureday and no surprises there, he said that he "I absolultely refuses to opperate on a person who may have a heart attache on my table, and who if the surgery is a success it will only work for a little bit because all the nuts and bolts and metal plates i will have to put in there your weight will ruin it all." I was perfectly fine with that, i felt very happy that he was so honest, and its what i was trying to tell my other family physision and she said she would never consent to me getting the wls because "its my back that needs fixed and then we'll put you on a diet (like i haven't been on one for over a year now from her and its not worked) and you will exersize like normal people do and not take the easy way out".. when i told the back surgeon that he said that he will dictate a letter telling her that he will refuse until i "can" get the weight loss surgery.. Yay.. go surgeon..
In one way i felt very good because that is what i knew all along. HELLO its my body you'd think id know what is what with it.. i just don't know how to fix it..
Well right now im very emotional aobut family things, my daughters turning 15 in a couple of days and she thinks that its ok to have a very possesive and controling boyfriend and his parents. Im praying that she will see how controlling they are soon. Please dear God show her how she is to realy be treated by a man of your chosing when she is old enough.. I never wanted her to have a boyfriend till later in life, but she lived with her dad up until this past November and they aproved of her dating at age 13 and i didn't have a say in it.. so now we have this boyfriend and his parents who don't want me to be a mom and stop them from "seing her".. all of them.. i said that the "boyfriend could see her but it would have to be a public place and with a group of teens and they are still very upset with me..
anyhow, this is probably longer than what i exspected to write..
take care all
God bless all
Paula
(5-4-06) I went to my conciltation today.. wow i am so impressed with all of this, i know it will take a while for all of this to cometogeter and i accauly am ok with that, yes i would like it done like yesturday but im praying my patience doesn't get to be used to much..lol.. I was very happy to have gone ahead and made my appointment and kept it today and one of the best parts was my husband went with me, he is very supportive of this and i keep saying that but today when he accualy sat and asked question with the Dr and was very involved with the conversation it was such a blessing and he has proven to me that he will be there for me as best he can. I pray that i will never take advantage of all the blessings i have been given. I have chosen Dr Z from Akron City Bariatrics at Suma (sp? sorry) the whole office was just terrific today, if i have had a question they all were just great in answering them and i wasn't rushed and i wasn't treated like a $ sign.. YAY.. its been such a long time since ive accualy talked to a dr that accualy cared. Thank you Dr Z.. My husband felt very comfortable with him too, and that in itself is a mirical, he hasn't been infront of a Dr in years except his Phycologist.. If i have to take him to ER he will wait till late at night to make sure the one drs on just to go... i'm just amazed with today..
I know it may take up to or more than a year before i can get my surgery, because i found out also today that medicaid is basicaly throwing fits with who get the surgery if anyone does, i got a book on medicaid from my county office when we got back today and it accualy says in it what they will pay and what they wont, and "obesity surgery" was on the "wont unles proven to me a deffinate medical nessesity".. so im going to sit down and remember every Dr that has ever told me to loose the weight or die.. . im just not sure where i would get my one drs reports at since he basicaly "quit" being a dr 4/03.. i wonder if there is an accualy place records are sent to?? hum a work in progress thats for sure..
I did call my county clinic to get me a new pcp, and they have one that is all for wls so they made me an appointment with them.. yay.. one more "homework assignment" down.. yay and im getting off of here to get my sleep study dr a call..
off to more homework.. work in progress to say the least..
God bless all, and please God grant me the serinity to be calm through all of this. :)
Me
(4/30/06) I finaly decided to put a date on this..lol.. well i have my first official wls drs appointment on Thursday.. with luck and lots of prayers i sure do wish this will go fast..not to fast but each and everytime i go through the darn fast food and get me one of those $1 sandwiches i feel so guilty, so what do i do.. i give myself a reason/excuse why its ok to eat it.. ussualy cause i haven't had anything to eat till that point that day, so i eat it and i think there now ive eaten.. so i should have some fries with that cause i cant live on just one sandwich for that day.. and give myself another excuse why its ok.. and ive only spent 2 bucks so its cheep i couldn't eat at home for that price.. heck it cost that much in electric to make something so "ive saved my self some money"... what a joke.. i haven't saved myself anything.. if anything ive just increased my chance of having another heart problem before i turn 40.. so what do i do.. i feel guilty some more and come home and get me a ..... can i say sandwich, cause i know my husband shouldnt have to eat alone.. oh no.. cant have that.. and im filling in my need of comfort since ive already made my good day bad.. wow the story of my life.. THE LIFE I WANT TO CHANGE! I want to be healthy, i want to work on my issues i have that make me want "comfort" foods.. i want to do things with my family for once in my life and accualy succeed at it.. i have lots of support at home, i do not have to much support other than here (thank you all who know what im going through and are trying to help me survive now) I want a "LIFE LINE" something that will help me say no! Something that will alowe myself the freedom of being healthy.. Something that will give me back my self. I want to stop being addicted to food!!! I know that is where im at now.. I know with the tool i can do it.. how do i know.. well ill tell ya.. i know i am very week when it comes to food.. i can not say no. but i do have a very strong will.. how do i know this.. well i was a 2 pack a day 16 year smoker.... i quit 2 years ago.. July 2 at 11 am will be my anniversary from being a smoker.. and i did it cold turkey, yep no more cigs... i have found out that i still get cravings and ive had a very rough two years i could have at any time picked up cigs and never thought twice about it.. my husband still smokes, he never quit.. but i did.. when i get the craveing for them i just simply remind myself "i am worth more being free from them, i am worth being healthy!" and the craving goes away.. so i know with the tool for weight loss i can get healthy and i can take my life back from food. :)
I love the out doors, I loved jogging, and riding horses and just being able to move, i was alway a very active person. I have grandma seizures, degenerative disk disease, depression, sleep apnea, cronic back pain, with fybro, i am vitamin B-12 defficent but can bring it up (not completely normal but up)with the drops. I have hight blood presure but haven't been to a dr about it in a long while, my first heart problem was when i was 30, the dr sent me home with nitro and said if i have any chest pains i was to take them. I first want to be healthy, and being able to do something will be just pure bonus. I want so bad to get WLS to help me get back to being healthy. I can not do anything now, i am only able to work a few hours a week and thats with my church getting the bulletins ready and mail out the things to the people that weren't there for church.
Im tired and frustrated of being tired, sick, sore, and big. I have been on a "diet" for a year now, and i have gained and lost 75lbs this hole year, I am not able to loose like other people and i have finaly come to the realisation of that..
I need lots of help in getting this started i don't know where to start. I called my dr and she said i had to call medicaid and see what they need first. So wher do i begin?? i dont know and am hoping this might help.
Paula
Today (4/21/06)i decided i am going to make a "what i want to be able to do" list. so here we go..
1) I want to sit cross legged on the ground
2) I want to walk down the road with my family.
3) I want to be able to move my seet up in the car and not keep it back and never ever use the excuse that "my legs are long" again.
4) this one is a very personal intamate want with my husband.. i think you all can put it in your own terms.
5) I want to ride rollercoasters.."NOT A MENTAL ONE ANY MORE BUT A REAL ONE"
6) I would love to meet my mother-in-law for the first time, and be healthy.. she and i have never met, my husband says she is meen and he wants to save me from being hurt, becuase his mom has already made the coment of "why did you marry that fat girl, you deserve better than that?" Of course his coment back to her was "because i love her and she is the best for me" (she live 5 states away, and hubby has only gone back to her house once before we got married)
7) Ride a horse again! this should be up there torwards the top.. :)
8) be more energetic
9) i want to take my mini horse to shows, and also to the MM/DD schools and let him help them.
10) i want to have a full time job that i can wear nice clothes to, and feel good about what im wearing, not the "granny gown" thingies anymore.
11) I want to be able to clean the whole house.
12) I want to be able to stand and do dishes every night
13) I want to learn how to cook healthy meals and sit down at the table as a family and eat them
14) go on a vacation that involves getting on a plane.
15) Vegas baby!
16) take a cruise, Bahamas and look good in a bathingsuit.
17) Help other people in my life see what a difference wls is for me..
18) go camping in a SMALL TENT! without a big airmatress.
19) build a nice barn for more mini horses.
20) build our dream home.. (ok there will be contractors doing the accual building, but i want to help in doing that)
21) I WANT TO EXERCISE!!
22) I want to jog again.. and with my daughter.
23) i would love to be an good influance in my childrens life about exercising, and being a good role model for them for a change.
24) paint my toe nails
25) see my toes
