Jersey

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Come help me out, I need to get me out of this joint. Come on let's bounce, counting on you to turn me around...     ~Gwen Stefani

Hi Everyone!

I am amazed that I still get emails from people on OH who have read my profile and are inspired by it. That means the world to me! I will try to make an effort to update it more often. Lately I have not really had much to say but I guess I should start confessing my sins so that, maybe, I can turn this tide around.

I know a lot of us are struggling with eating these days. I guess that makes sense because we are around 14-15 months out and we are able to eat more comfortably.

The terrible thing is that it is so easy to fall back into old habits! Bad, bad, bad! This morning I woke up...convinced that I was going to get on the B2B Bandwagon with Angela (Back to Basics) and I walked downstairs to take my vitamins. I saw the cake sitting there that I made for my husband the other night. Without putting ANY thought into it, I grabbed a fork, marched over to it and dug in! I had 3 huge, overflowing mouthfuls! Now...I know at one point I would have had 3 huge, overflowing *pieces* of cake but it is REALLY frightening that I can eat cake now. I stayed away from it for so long! And pre-ops and new-ops should know this - you WILL be able to eat bad foods again. We just have to find a way to limit it (in my case, I think I am better off avoiding it, altogether).

So where am I now? I started this journey at 293. I now weigh 167. My lowest weight was 164 so I am a little bummed about that but I have been going up and down the same three lbs for a couple of months now. Everyone from my friends to my ex-boyfriend to my Primary Care Physician are all telling me that I should stop losing weight. People like that have no ulterior motive to tell me this so it does make me think that maybe I should not kill myself to get to 160. The one plastic surgeon I saw in November told me to stop losing weight back then and, at the time, I was 176...so at least I am ahead of the game there!

I still struggle a lot with food choices and I do not drink nearly enough water. And, um, I don't exercise. I did just buy two dance workout DVDs so we will see how they work . There are also still days when clothes shopping is not fun...when a certain's brand's size Large is tight and that spins me into a depression. Even when another brand's size Small is too loose...when a size Large is tight on me, it kills me.

Aside from ALL of that, though, I am SO MUCH happier now than I was at 293. It is an entirely different world for me now...for so many reasons.

Bottom line, no regrets! I would do this again in a heartbeat. I just have to find my way back to the basics...and with the help of my January '06 board, I know that I can get there!

Hugs to you all!

 

I did it! I told you, I told you I did...     ~Dave Matthews

Thank you so much, my January 2006 friends. Although I have not yet responded to your wonderful posts (I plan to), I just want to say thank you. Your love and suggestions got me through that horrible night.

And, so...I did it! I chopped my hair off! I thought I would get there and they would tell me that my hair was hopeless. On the contrary, the woman (Wendy) told me that the hair by my scalp was very healthy. That made me feel so relieved because, honestly, my hair was so bad that I truly thought it was not even growing back in! She was only going to take 3-4" off but I said, "Look...just do what needs to be done." She said, "REALLY? THAT'S AWESOME!!" So here it is! I cannot stop running my hands through it...it feels so light and free. You have to remember, I have had long, straight, one-length hair for TWENTY YEARS!! Granted...I think it makes me look older and, quite frankly, I feel as though I look like a newscaster! But whatever!

The pictures are not that great. I look very tired a little blah (I am both) but I wanted to show you all before everyone! Please be honest...what do you think?

 

 
Love you guys!!

 

My Boy, so much more than just a son you are my joy...the very thing that gives me meaning. You've made my life so special, you're my boy. And from the very day that you were born, I thank God above for all the days that we've had and have yet to come...     ~T.J. Loughran

Hi Everyone! I do not have much to say today. It is my first day back at work since my emergency twisted bowel surgery. I got to spend a lot of time with my son and, so, today is VERY emotionally painful for me. I miss him SO MUCH! I would love, love, love to be a SAHM. Ah well...

I have also reverted back to my original goal weight. Since TWO people today told me my face is way too thin and, therefore, I look like crap, maybe 146.5 is too low? I will re-evaluate once I hit my original goal of 160. Here is my most up-to-date photo...I will try to update my profile more regularly!

 

And a close-up (I designed this shirt!)

Love you all!!

 

I pray that we make it through...Make it through the fall...Make it through it all...     ~Avril Lavigne

My First Complication!

Hey Everyone...

I cannot post much right now but, since you are my family, I wanted to tell you that I had emergency surgery on Tuesday at around 5 pm. On Monday evening, I started having terrible abdominal pain. By midnight it was unbearable so I called my surgeon. It took him over and hour to call me back but, when I explained my symptoms (crampy stabbing pain right near my belly button) he told me to go to the ER. Unfortunately, I had to go to the hospital a half hour away (where my surgeon is affiliated) and not to my local one (literally 2 minutes away).

Anyhow...my friend took me (my husband is out of the state) and, while I was there, the pain intensified to the point where I really wondered if I would be better off dead. They gave me a shot of morphine that did NOTHING. It did not touch the pain. Within 20 minutes, the pain had radiated to my ribcage and chest and I started heaving saliva (there was no food in me to throw up). They gave me another shot of morphine...a higher dose...and again, the same thing. Within 20 minutes I was heaving again because of the pain. They attempted morphine a third time. I was bawling my eyes out begging them to DO SOMETHING because their plan was not working. Oh...and they kept giving me anti-nausea meds...that did not help, either. Finally they gave me some other high-dose medication and that, blissfully, took the edge off the pain and helped me sleep. They brought me in for a cat scan and initially thought I had a hernia and scheduled me for emergency surgery.

Unfortunately, their surgery scheduled was totally packed so they did not operate until around 5pm. It was okay, though, because the second medication they gave me was wonderful.

After the surgery, Dr. Abkin let me know that I did not have a hernia...but a kink in my bowels (I think there is a name for it but I cannot remember now). When people are overweight, their bowels, intestines, etc. are firmly held in one place. When you lose the weight rapidly, your insides are free-flowing because of all the extra room...and it gives them the opportunity to kink up. So what Dr. Abkin did was sew my intestines (?) to my stomach lining so that it could not move freely anymore.

I was released from the hospital yesterday and was in SO MUCH pain! Last night was so bad that, until the Percocet kicked in, I could not even lay down at a 10 degree angle. Once it kicked in, I was able to lie down (thank God for Percocet). Today I am still in a great deal of pain but I guess I just have to wait to get better. My blessed Mom came up from Florida to take care of me. I’ll tell you, this ordeal made me realize who I can count on in my life...and who I can’t (finding someone to watch my son while I went to the ER is another drama I don’t want to get into right now). Now I have to get better and plan for my son’s surgery on the 26th (waaaah).

So, anyhow, there’s the deal. Thanks for listening to me...

Love you all!

Jersey

 

I wanna turn the whole thing upside down. I'll find the things they say just can't be found. I'll share this love I find with everyone...we'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs. I don't want this feeling to go away...     ~Jack Johnson

Wow...I am a profile updating FAILURE. I did not even update on my Surgiversary! I officially suck. But I will try to make amends. I do have some fairly valid excuses for this, though. I used to update my profile, surf the net, etc. from work. I almost never make it online at home. But two things have happened. The first is that work got VERY, VERY busy. Too busy. Too frickin', stressfully busy! Another thing is that they are telling us daily that they are actively monitoring our internet usage. So I have to be careful about that, too. And the worst part about it is...when I do not visit my January 2006 board frequently, I do not do well with eating, etc. I let things slip. I am much more accountable when I keep in touch with my gang.

All this is to say I am going to have to find a way to visit my board more often. Plus, I MISS everyone! So I will put that on my already-a-mile-long "To Do" list...I must visit my Jan. board more frequently.

I used to be able to pop online at night from time to time but not lately. My son has been sick off and on for quite a while. He has already had two 4-day-long stints in the hospital and I never want to revisit that. So, when he is not well, all my energy is focused on keeping him as comfortable as possible. He will be having his adenoids and tonsils out on February 26. He may also have tubes put in his ears. While this all fills me with dread, I do acknowledge that his health may improve tremendously as a result. So then it will be worth it. But the thought of putting a 2-year-old under anesthesia just kills me. So I really do not think about it much. I will deal with it when I have to deal with it. The power of denial is a beautiful thing!

So...what else has been going on? Well, I may as well admit this here and now...and it is terrible but a reality. A couple of weeks ago, I was under tremendous stress and got down to 167. I was beyond thrilled because I know for a fact that the last time I was in the 160's was when I was FOURTEEN! That is a loooooong time ago, people! And then I was 7 lbs from goal! Then my anniversary weekend passed (my Surgiversary) and...I do not know if I thought being a year out gave me carte blanche to eat everything in the universe but, within 5 days I was back up to 173!! I was flirting dangerously with passing OUT of the "Normal BMI" zone! I gained SIX lbs in FOUR days! At first I wondered if that meant that my 167 was not a "real" weight...just temporary luck. But, no, I have to come to terms with the fact that I ate like a pre-op. And it scared the hell out of me!

More than a week later I am STILL not back in the 160's...but hovering at exactly 170.0. But it is what I deserve...I know this. I can no longer rely on this tool to just do everything for me. I need to WORK at it! And I SHALL! And, quite honestly, I am glad that I got that off my chest. I am probably the only person on the board who has had a 6 lb gain (well, except obviously for Jen Jen and Lori) but I am glad that I admitted it. Now I can move on...and not look back!

Gotta tell ya, though. Going from 7 lbs to goal back up to 10+ lbs from goal was pretty devastating! And it makes you wonder how much of your life is self-sabotaging!

But am I happy about this journey? Oh my gosh...yes. Almost every moment of every day there are words of thanks in my mind. I find happiness in walking across a room knowing that people are not going to look at me and think, "If only she were thin..." I look in the mirror every morning when I get dressed and I am always pretty happy about what I see. I am comfortable in my (sagging) skin! We had to have my son's blood taken on Saturday (pre-op testing) so we went to Quest Diagnostics. Since he is so little, he had to sit on my lap on the chair. Then they put an arm rest down across your tummy. Over a year ago, my husband would have had to hold him because there is no way I could have held my son in my lap and had that arm wrest brought down. I swear there are 1000 moments a day where I find myself grateful for this new life. If I had time, I would write a poem about it. But, really, no words do it justice...there are just no words adequate enough to describe how thankful I am to have had this surgery.

So what's next? Well, my original goal was 160 but...guess what...I am CHANGING it! It might be silly because I think 160 is probably a very good weight for me. But I want to be able to say that I have lost exactly half of me...so 146.5 is my new goal. I have updated my ticker here:

And I have updated my Chart below. As far as the new chart below is concerned, I am WAY off target (by 20 lbs) but I am hoping to catch up. We'll see...I am giving myself until my birthday on June 24th to achieve it.

To those of you who requested updates to my profile...thanks for caring enough to read it! I promise to be more diligent! Well, I promise I will TRY to be more diligent! And I will try to take some pictures of myself tonight...it has been a while since any have been taken. I do not have a tripod so this should be an entertaining task! ;)

Have a great day, everyone! I have missed you and I love you! And I don't want this feeling to go away!

 

The joy of Christmas stays here inside us...fills each and every heart with love...     ~Mariah Carey

I have not updated my profile in a while. Life has been a bit crazy which is only natural at this time of year. The most profound thing going on is my son's health. He is just not doing well. He is sick all the time and coughs all night. We brought him to an allergist and found that he is allergic to everything. Since then he has been on and off antibiotics, Prednisone and still has nebulizer treatments several times a day. My PCP says that he has, "Daycare Syndrome" but he has been out of day care for a week now and is not at all better. Today he is being taken for an x-ray of his neck to see if he has problems with his adenoids. Then it is back to the specialist tomorrow. First and foremost, I hate that he has to live with this. It is too much for a just-turned-two year old. But it is taking its toll on me and my husband, too. My husband is miserable and moody and I am just plain exhausted. I have bought every single Christmas gift and wrapped every single thing on my own this year...often late into the night. And we both work full-time so I am totally wiped out...physically and emotionally.

But...having said that, I am so thankful for this year. It has been life-changing in all positive ways. Unfortunately, I have been eating such crap lately...cookies, chocolate, etc. I'm not drinking water...not doing protein...but, thankfully, my weight is holding steady and I will definitely get back on track after Christmas. This year has been beautiful and I feel so blessed that I was able to have this surgery.

And now I want to say to my January 2006 board that I hope you all have a very, very Merry Christmas and I pray that all of your dreams come true in 2007. I love you all! God bless!!

 

       

Make me beautiful...a perfect soul, a perfect life, a perfect face...a perfect....lie...     ~Gabriel & Dresden. Theme song from Nip/Tuck.

Hey Everyone!

Okay...so I went to the plastic surgeon yesterday. It was interesting. I had to fill out the usual PITA forms. Then I sat and waited for a looong time but at least there were lots of photo albums in the waiting area. The results of many of the procedures were really impressive to look at. Unfortunately, the most impressive photos were of people who were not WLS patients...just skinny kids wanting larger ta ta's. But, really, all the before/afters were impressive!

I was finally called in to meet the surgeon. I was impressed with one thing immediately...he is actually quite a bit taller than me! That is so rare these days! Other than that...nice man...not much personality...kind of stiff...kind of a dork. But what I liked was that he had looked over my form carefully before I got in there and he knew about the procedures I was interested in. However, I checked off that I was interested in almost everything and I guess he is gifted enough to, right off the bat, know much more about what I need. What I mean is...he started talking about various procedures that HE thought I would benefit from. I guess they take people in immediately and can make that determination. He did, anyhow.

Okay, moving on... He talked about the best procedure out there right now for WLS patients...the lower body lift (LBL). What it does is literally lift the area from the knees to just under the breast. He said that WLS see incredible results from this procedure. Then he started talking about breast lifts. He looked at me and said, "You may only need a lift." I replied, "Well, maybe, but I want my shrunken kiwis lifted AND enlarged." He said that would work well, too. He showed me some slideshows of before and afters on his PC and talked at length about the procedures...how they are done, etc. It was interesting...kind of like being in an episode of Nip/Tuck. Now, if this surgeon looked ANYTHING like Dr. Christian Troy...I would be in trouble!

After the discussion part of the consultation, I went into the examination room. He said I had to take off everything. I said, "Uh...everything?" He said that would be best, yes. However...sorry for the TMI...but it is my time of the month and I cannot wear tampons so it was me and my pad. I told him that and he stuttered, "Uh, ok, fine...leave them on." I thought it was funny but, really, not much sense of humor in Dr. Nip/Tuck.

Anyhow...so he returns and tells me to take off the robe. One whole wall is a mirror. I was bummed to disrobe because I was admiring just how nice I actually looked in the robe (I used to look like a hippo in robes pre-WLS). Anyhow...so I dis-robed and stood in front of the mirror wall. Okay, so I look like the Crypt Keeper...but here is the wonderful thing...I did not CARE! I felt better about myself standing there like a semi-Shar-pei than I would have at almost 300 lbs. And then he said something that made me fall immediately in love with him. He said, "Oh, okay...you're not bad at all." He said that a LBL would be perfect for me. He told me that there is a good chance I would not need an additional thigh lift later on (most WLS patients get a LBL and then a subsequent thigh lift. The LBL pulls the skin taught on the thighs but does not lessen the circumference).

Then we talked about my girls. He said that, with my right breast, I could get away with the type of procedure that only leaves a scar around the areola. Unfortunately, her sister is saggier and she would require a scar underneath and from the areola to the base. He said I could get away with just a lift if I wanted. I repeated again that I wanted to be LARGER. I think he actually said, "Oh, good" but then stuttered. I asked him what size I should be for my height and stature. He had shown me a picture of a girl who wanted to be REALLY big. He said he normally does not do that because he does not like to but she was a big girl...and also very tall. So, anyway...he said, "Well, you are not as big as the girl I showed you but you are her same height. I would recommend a high C cup for you." That is the EXACT phrase I used...that is what I wanted. Then he said, "Yes...you would look amazing...er, I mean...that size would be good for you." I guess he is in the practice of not directly complimenting patients. Again...he is rather stiff.

The next step was to look at my arms. He told me to hold them out. I did and he said, "Oh...you do not need your arms done." He told me if I really wanted them done, he could do it but he does not recommend it. YAY! That made me happy although, who knows, I might have it done some day.

So, after some more poking and prodding (literally), I got dressed and met him back in his office. I asked him additional questions such as...can I have this done all at once? He said no and gave me VERY good reasons for it. I did not get the impression that he was just splitting them for monetary reasons. I asked him about the pain and how long out of work (pain will be considerable for the LBL...almost nothing for the lift/augmentation). I asked him how long I would have to wait between procedures (3 months). I asked him other things but I do not have the list with me right now.

The last thing I asked was..."When could I do all this if I wanted?" He said, "When your weight stabilizes for a few months." I said, "Oh...ok...because I want to lose about 16 more lbs." He said, "What? Nooooo." Then I totally fell in love with him. ;) J/K!! I said, "What do you mean?" He said, "You are at the perfect weight now and I would highly recommend that you do NOT lose anymore." He said that I have about 12-15 lbs of skin and, when that comes off, it would put me at 160...my ideal weight according to my 18-month planner. He said that if I got down to 160 and then had the procedures, that would put me in the 140-range which he said is "ridiculously" low for my stature. I was, at once, both exhilarated to hear that, for plastic surgery, I am at goal...but a little disappointed because I really would like to get to 160 on my own. But he said that dropping below 160 is probably not sustainable long-term. Hmm...something to think about!

So...that is how it went. I still plan on seeing other surgeons and talking to them. And I cannot have these procedures anytime soon. Why, you may ask? The price tag on both procedures (total) would run nearly $25,000. And I just do not have that right now!! Ah well!

If you have any questions about this, feel free to let me know!

       

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a Mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed...     ~Meridith Brooks

This song lyric is dedicated to my sister. I am referring to the sister who I talked about in my November 15, 2005 entry. When I say that she is a "bitch," I DO mean it in a funny way...but she is a bitch, nonetheless.

If you have read my profile, you know about the Geoffery Giraffe incident a year ago. Well, when my sis and I went to see Beauty and the Beast a while back, we stopped at the Toys 'R' Us in Times Square. We were walking along and, all of a sudden she says, "I wanna take your picture right now!" I thought that was weird...but we ARE weird so I just stopped and smiled. Well, it took her all this time but she just sent me an email that said, "WARNING....THIS WARNING IS TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WHAT YOU ARE SEEING MAY BE SCARY...SCROLL DOWN AT YOUR OWN RISK..." And just under that was the following picture:

 

As you can see, Geoffery is hanging out in the background. As a matter of fact, anytime she sees Geoffery (either in the store, or in a picture), she sends me a photo/txt message to my phone with it...and always prefaces it with, "Now don't be frightened!" SUCH a bitch! Hee hee!

      

If you see a change in me don't wonder...I found a whole new life...A hope that I can't hide...For I've been reborn ...     ~Rebecca St. James

I cannot believe it! It has been one full year today since my very first post here! Wow...what an incredible year it has been! Gosh, I could get so sentimental and mushy here...but, instead, I will just list some of the incredible things that have come to pass this year!

 

• I was given a new lease on life on January 30, 2006. I am so thankful to everyone who played a role in that. I want to thank my friend, Meredith, for having the courage to have this operation. If I did not see her success, I would NEVER have done this on my own. I want to thank my husband for seeing that this was my only option...and for supporting me 100%. I want to thank my Mom for setting aside her intense concern over this operation and seeing, also, that this was my only way out. I was totally on the fence about doing this. To see her reaction, I lied and told her, "Mom...I am definitely going to have the surgery." I know the concept terrified her but she had tears in her eyes and said, "I would just love to see you not have to deal with this anymore." Those words freed me to have the surgery. I want to thank the incredible skill of my surgeon, Dr. Abkin. I have been complication-free since surgery. I want to thank United Health Care for being a good enough company to approve this operation and, finally, I want to thank MY company for not having an exclusion on WLS and for letting me have the time off.
• None of the struggles I faced earlier on (the head hunger...the worrying about failing)...NONE of it compares to how wonderful I feel now! This journey was absolutely worth the struggle that it was and will be for the rest of my life.
• I have lost 111 lbs of disgusting, life-limiting lard!
• When I walk into a room, I never do the "scan" anymore to see if I am the biggest person there.
• When I have to maneuver through a crowded room, I no longer start to sweat thinking that I might not be able to squeeze past a table...or a person...whatever. I know I will fit. And, if I don't, I know it is because the space is too small...not because I am too big!
• I went from someone who became suicidally (not really) depressed when clothes shopping to someone who wishes BIG TIME that I had not wasted all that money on FOOD over the years so I could buy any clothes I want now.
• I went from wearing the same three shirts over and over (because they were all that fit) to being one of (if not THE) best-dressed women in my office.
• One year ago today I often went out of the house without makeup...wearing ripped sweats and praying fervently that I would not run into anyone I know. Now, even if I am just running to the post office, I go out in style...and often think, "Oh, please let me run into someone I know!" Hee hee.
• I no longer feel as if I "do not belong" in stores such as The Gap, Old Navy, etc. (well, at least I MOSTLY don't feel this way! )
• Oh, I could go on and on! As I sit here typing, I realize that I just do not want this feeling to go away. The feeling of being totally confident in the way I look...in the person I am. I think if we were all born thin...and lived our lives thin, we would not have all these wonderful feelings. Because we have seen what it is like on the other side...and we have fought our way here! I think, when I first had this surgery, I could not wait until I made goal and stopped thinking about the surgery, altogether. But I NEVER want to stop thinking about it! I always want to remember where I came from...and how wonderful I feel now. I never want to take this tool for granted.

Again, I could sit here and type non-stop for two days about all the things that have changed and that I am grateful for. But I want to take a moment to say what I am, perhaps, MOST thankful for. And that is for my January 2006 message board. In this past year, they have been nothing short of miraculous for me. They have been there to dry my tears, to give me inspiration and sway me from temptation. They have granted me absolution for my failures and have cheered on my every success. I would never have made it this far without them! Thank you SO MUCH, you guys! I love each and every one of you!!!

Happy Halloween, everyone! I am a 35-year-old, married Mom. And I am SO excited to continue my journey!

      

It was a graveyard smash...     ~Bobby "Boris" Pickett

I normally never post on weekends. It is usually just impossible. However, my son is actually taking a nap! I have a million things I should be doing but I needed to be here more (for inspiration!). This weekend was, without a doubt, my worst eating weekend since surgery. I did not put a limit on ANYTHING I put in my mouth. And I feel terrible about it because I just did SO well on the B2B and I hate setbacks! Although I am too terrified to step on the scale to see the damage, I KNOW I have gained a few lbs (I can feel it and I am always right about these things). Believe you me, I am starting the B2B again tomorrow and continuing it (at least on week days) until I hit goal. Ugh...I am so disappointed in myself.

Okay...that unpleasantness aside, I went out last night! Whoo hoo! The night started out HORRIBLY because my husband was a complete, raving sh*thead (we were late...not MY fault but he sure acted as though it was). He apologized over and over in the car and I only let it go because I really wanted to have a nice time. As you know, it has been a LONG while since I have gone out...and to a party, no less!

The party was held at a resort hotel in Rye, NY. Since it was a birthday/costume party and we left for the hotel while it was still daylight, my husband and I got some interesting looks along the way! I went as Elizabeth (sort of) and my husband was Jack Sparrow.

The party was a blast...and what an eclectic, interesting group of people (a published novelist and Jeopardy champion amongst them!). The birthday boy is the husband of my husband's co-worker. 99% of the attendees went to Yale! And with my husband an alumni of Columbia University, I was like, "PLEASE no one ask me where I went to college!" Hee hee! Seriously, though, the people were fascinating to talk to, the food was great (unfortunately!), there was a tarrot card reader and a magician and it was just a really great time! Here are some pictures of my costume...

 

The costume (Misses XL) actually came with pants but my husband hated them! Thankfully, I had just bought this skirt (the false size 8!!) from The Gap. It worked great with the costume...so much so that I think it looks like it came with the costume! It is a bummer I can't dress up for work...because I TOTALLY would! Hee hee. At least I will get to wear it again on Halloween night. I hope you all have a GREAT Halloween! Love and hugs!