Jersey
January 29, 2006
Jan 29, 2006
The fear that is within you now, it seems to never end... ~John Denver
Good evening!
What a day today was. I have certainly run the gamut of emotions today, that is for sure! I started the day out fine...very calm and collected. I had a protein shake for breakfast. Then I had some SF jello. All that was okay but then it was time to take the Fleets Phoso Soda. All I can say about that is oh my word! That is, hands down, the nastiest stuff I have have had the misfortune to taste. I mixed it with white grape juice, thinking that would help but it did not help. By the time I was 3/4 of the way through with it, I was literally dry heaving. I had to take a sip and then sit for a moment, willing myself not to vomit. By the end, I was taking a small sip of the Phoso Soda, then squirting water down my throught with a sports bottle. That made it possible for me to finish. It was just awful!!
I took a bath and a long nap today...just trying to pass some time (while my son was sleeping). The rest of the day was spent with him, my husband and my Mom. I had some beef broth (french onion) for lunch and some ice pops for dinner. Fascinating, huh?
After we gave my son a bath tonight, I rocked and sang him to sleep. This was both the sweetest and most painful part of my day. I love him with a fierceness that sometimes frightens me. I cannot imagine being without him...nor him without me. As I held him, I felt so guilty thinking that I have to take such a drastic step for letting myself get this unhealthy. But I also know that I am unable to fix it without this tool. And so I pray that I have a very uneventful surgery. And I am so looking forward to a healthier life.
Well, off to bed now. My surgery is scheduled for 7:30 am tomorrow so I need to be at the hospital at 5:30 am. Good night everyone. Sweet dreams!
January 24, 2006
Jan 24, 2006
~Guns N' Roses
Good morning!
See...don't I sound all positive with my 'good morning?' I am trying to stay positive but my patience is reaaaaally wearing thin. Not sure what the hold up is with UHC. The last person I spoke with last night was, um...not too friendly. He said, "Oh, I see you also called at 10:15 this morning." Well, the first thing I said to him was, "Hi...I am checking on my status...I have been calling twice a day, everyday." Guess he missed that. He 'assured' me that they are 'actively' looking at my case. I said to him, "Describe 'actively'." He said that there are three notes on my file stating that my surgeon's office had contacted them. Now...I tried not to sound as impatient as I felt but I had to ask..."How does my surgeon's office calling here translate into UHC 'actively' looking at my case?" He said, "Well, it was escalated to a manager on Friday so there is nothing else that can be done. You just have to wait." It was really his tone that irritated me more than anything else. I am a very non-violent person. But, you know...I wanted to smack him. Ah well.
Some good news is that my Mom is coming to stay with us for a couple weeks. My poor sister is having surgery (non-WLS) and she will be unable to take care of my son so my wonderful, wonderful Mom is coming here to do that for me. I am truly blessed. I guess I should just keep that in mind when I start bit**ing about this surgery.
I hope you all are having a wonderful, wonderful day! If, um...any of you want to say a prayer or two for me, I will gladly take it. 
January 24, 2006 - Part II
You've been so kind and generous, I don't know how you keep on giving. For your kindness, I'm in debt to you and I never could have come this far without you. For everything you've done, you know I'm bound to thank you for it...
~Natalie Merchant
See...I had it all planned out. My next lyric quote was going to be from The Phantom of the Opera ("You try my patience!") But now I don't need to use that one! I am officially approved. What a relief! I thought that, once I was approved, it would be smooth sailing. Nuh uh. My anxiety has just shifted focus. Now I am nervous about the actual surgery. But I am not complaining! I am rejoicing!
And I want to, once again, thank you all for your kindness and your support. You have made these past two weeks much easier than they could have been! I am forever grateful!
January 19, 2006
Jan 19, 2006
Forget me nots, second thoughts, live in isolation. Heads or tails and fairytales in my mind...are we, we are, are we, we are the waiting unknown... Okay, honestly, I do not know this Green Day song. But the lyrics are REALLY appropriate right now. Because I am STUCK in the murk of the waiting game. United Health Care received my information a week ago today yet it is still "in medical review." Even though everyone I talked to has been approved in a few days, I am still "under review." And it is KILLING me. I have stress pains in my head and in my right shoulder. :::sigh::: I posted the following message on the Main Messageboard today. It is a frighteningly accurate portrayal of my days lately.... Hi Everyone:
I am just writing to pass some time. I am still waiting for approval for my surgery (which, strangely enough, even though I am not yet approved, they moved up one day from 1/31 to 1/30). I know you all know what the waiting game nightmare is like. But...the waiting is giving me an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder...let me know if any of you can relate... A Sample Day in the Life of Jersey Mom 5:30 am: Wake up and immediately think "Hmm...maybe I will be approved today." 5:33 am: Go to the bathroom and ponder "Hmm...maybe I will be approved today." 5:34 am: Start stressing..."What if I am NOT approved?!?" 5:40 am: Get ready for work. Run the brush through my hair while wondering, "Hmm...maybe I will be approved today." 5:41-5:55 am: Repeat previous step 25 times. 6:00 am: Wake up my son, get him dressed. 6:01 am: Think of how lucky I am to have this beautiful 13-month old boy. Next, wonder if I will have more energy for him if I have WLS. 6:02 am: Immediately start to wonder if I will be approved today ;) 6:03 am - 7:00 am: Repeat previous step 7,863 times. 7:00 am: Drop my son off at my sister's house (his daycare). 7:00 am - 7:30 am: Listen to James Patterson audiobook. Actually CONCENTRATE on the story. 7:31 am: Turn off the iPod, get out of the car, walk into my building and wonder, "Hmm...maybe I will be approved today." 7:35 am: Get to my desk, sit down and chastise myself (mentally) for thinking that this is a perfectly acceptible time of day to either a.) Call my insurance company to check for any status b.) Call my surgeon's to see if they, mysteriously, have an update when I know they are not even IN the office yet or c.) call my home answering machine to check if either of the above mentioned have left a message on my answering machine. Or, even, d.) check all my private email addresses in the hope that, somehow, either of the above mentioned miraculously got hold of my email addresses and sent me an approval notice that way. 7:40 am - 9:00 am: Read OH.com messageboard for inspiration. How can I concentrate on WORK when my life is on hold? 9:00 am: Call my insurance company to check for any recent status. 9:10 am: Go to the ladies room even if I do not have to go. 9:15 am: Call my home answering machine to check if any approvers called. 9:20 am: Call my Mom in FLA to let her know that, no, I have not gotten approval yet. 9:20 am - 11:00 am: Read OH.com messageboard for more inspiration. And, maybe...just maybe...someone on the board works for my insurance company and is trying to post a message to me because all my phone lines are down ;) 11:00 am: Call my surgeon's office to see if THEY have a new status...even though my insurance company doesn't. 11:00 am - 11:30 am: Stare at my phone waiting for the surgeon's office to get back to me. 11:31 am: Call my home answering machine. 11:41 am: Call my home answering machine. 12:00 noon: Go to my car and pop in a DVD. For one blissful hour all I think about is what I am watching. 12:55 pm: On the way back to my office, call my home answering machine. 1:00 pm: Go to the ladies room. 1:07: Go back to my desk and think, "Wow...7 minutes have passed...I better call my answering machine!" 1:08 pm - 4:30 pm: Repeat previous step at least 724 times. 5:00 pm: Arrive home and then try to live a semi-normal life until the next day...knowing FULL WELL that NO approvals come after 5 pm!! I am becoming obsessive compulsive! ARRRRGH! On a different note...I want to thank each and every one one of you for posting on this board. You have given me boundless information and support and I love all of you for it! (Well, except the weirdo who flamed me the other day!). You are ALL angels! Thanks for letting me vent! Writing this post took all of 10 minutes. Hmm...maybe I should call my home answering machine! ;) Hugs, Then I followed with... And let me also say this...I am starting to HATE the sound of the woman's voice on my answering machine.
Everytime I hear, "There are no messages in your mailbox"...it makes me postal. I have lowered myself to SWEARING at a machine! And now, of course, it sounds as if she is chastising me. Now she is saying, "There are NOOOOOO messages in your mailbox!" I slam the phone down every time and yell (in my head), "YOU MOTHER-EFFIN' B****!" Oh...I am soooo going to need psychological help before all this is through!!!
~Green Day
November 28, 2005
Nov 28, 2005
It's the most wonderful time of the year...
~Andy Williams
Okay, who thinks that Andy Williams is full of crap? Christmastime is SO stressful. And, YES, I am going to say Christmas. If you celebrate Hanukah, I would expect you to say Hanukah and if you celebrate Kwanzaa I would expect you to say Kwanzaa. Case in point, there is a Honda commercial on ABC right now and they have changed the song to, "We wish you a happy holiday." WTF?! Why is everyone so scared to say the word CHRISTMAS these days? It is disgusting! But, anyhow, how STRESSFUL is December? I used to LOVE this time of year...it used to be so exciting and special. I hate that I lost that glow but, unfortunately, it is GONE. Bah humbug!
On a more positive note, I have a date!!
Well, I am off for now. I hope you all have a GREAT night!
November 18, 2005
Nov 18, 2005
You are so beautiful, to me...
~Joe Cocker
Update! I had my second consultation with my surgeon yesterday. Now, I have not had a crush in a long, long, long time. But I think I have one now! Dr. Abkin is just the most handsome thing. He is nice, funny, has a great accent...and those baby blues! Oh my! Now, normally I like brown eyes. My husband's and son's brown eyes are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. But Dr. Abkin's are a close second.
When I stepped on the scale this morning, before my appointment, I gasped. Since last Thursday I had lost 5 lbs. Now, normally that would fill me with glee, but the reason I have lost weight is because of the stress I have been under - thereby making it impossible for me to eat. I worried a little about that. Silly as it may seem, I was concerned that my BMI might have dipped just below 40. Before I got on the scale at Dr. Abkin's, I was asked if I wanted to take off my shoes. For the first time in my life I said, "Um...no...I am good." I also had on my heavy fleece jacket with my keys in one pocket and my PDA in the other :) Kinda funny when you think about (okay...kinda not).
After I got weighed, my BP was taken and it was normal. I then waited for Dr. Abkin. During that time, I got my first look at the psychiatric evaluation that was faxed in. I cannot even comment on it right now because I cannot believe the amount of unnecessary information that it contained. I mean...embarrassing, INNAPROPRIATE information. When Dr. Abkin came in and I asked him if he read the report, he said, "yes." Then he probably remembered what was in it because he then said to me, "Wait...did you say you want me to read the whole report? Because I only read the last paragraph." Even though I knew he was lying (and I love him for that), I said, "PLEASE do not read the whole thing...I am begging you. It is CRAP." He replied, "Well, I just care about this last paragraph...so don't worry." :::sigh:::
So...as far as Dr. Abkin is concerned, I am approved! Now I just have to wait until January to submit my information to United. I am so excited and nervous...I can barely stand it! I know the time will fly, though, so I must be patient.
Just wanted to give you an update...have a wonderful day!
November 15, 2005
Nov 15, 2005
We are family...I got all my sisters with me...
~Sister Sledge
Good evening, everyone! I am going to share an amusing story that happened the other night (more for my own memory than anything else). Ok...have you ever been afraid of the characters that wander around amusement theme parks? In other words...people in animal costumes? When I was a child, they used to truly freak me out. One would think I would be over that by now!
My sister dragged me to a special late-night Toys 'R' Us shopping event. The store opened at 7:00 pm on a Sunday night and remained open until 9:30. A portion of a sales went to the school system in my sister's town. First of all, even though I have a young son, I am not a big fan of the store. Nor was I thrilled to be leaving my house at 7:00 on a Sunday night to drive 35 minutes away to get there. But my sister and I never fail to have a blast together so off I went.
There was a party atmosphere in the store...they served refreshments and had raffles, etc. My sister figured she would get the majority of her Christmas shopping done so she dragged me from one end of the store to the other and back again. As I was standing in the aisle waiting for her to pick out something for my son, I heard a noise behind me. I turned around and found myself face to face with a 10-foot tall Geoffery giraffe. Okay...I am not proud to admit this, but I shrieked (and, well, I sort of yelled an expletive, too...remember, I am in Toys "R" Us!). I did NOT expect him to be there. And he was creeping towards me (yes...creeping). Another employee was walking with him and, when they saw my reaction, laughed their little heads off (well, Geoffery laughed his big head off). Embarrassed, I wandered off...escaping their amusement.
Shortly after that episode, I was browsing the baby Leap Pads when I just got this feeling that people were looking at me. I looked up and, there he was again...the freakish giraffe creeping towards me. Actually, he was trying to hide behind a display so he could scare me. But, whoever was wearing the Geoffery head was really tall because I am 5'10" and the shoulders on this guy were way above mine...which made it truly impossible for him to hide. So I started to tell Geoffery to bug off (in front of all the little kiddies, mind you) and now there is a crowd watching (and thoroughly enjoying) my horror and my sister is laughing so hard that she is making herself asthmatic. So...I could do one of two things...I could let this thing come and hug me (as it was attempting to do)...or I could run like a baby. Fight or flight...fight or flight...I was OUTTA there! And I am not ashamed
Here is a graphite drawing of me (left) and my sister (right). It was done by the most talented woman I have ever met! If you are interested in her work, please email me directly:
Have a great night! I will probably post again after I see the surgeon on Thursday. Until then...be well!
November 12, 2005
Nov 12, 2005
I've looked at life from both sides now, from win and lose, and still somehow it's life's illusions I recall. I really don't know life at all... Good evening!
~Joni Mitchell
I wonder how people deal with anxiety. I am a ball of anxiety the past few days...I really cannot stand it. I am normally never anxious about anything. Or, even if I am a little anxious, I am able to supress it fairly effectively. The only good thing about it is...I am not able to eat while I am feeling like this. Okay...I am joking...there is nothing good about it. If anyone happens to read this in the next couple of days, drop me a note letting me know how you deal with anxiety. I am open to any suggestions!
I am meeting with my chosen surgeon this week. As I said before, this will be my second time meeting with him...the first time was over the summer. I liked him and his reputation certainly preceded him. I was so excited when I first made the appointment but, now, I don't know...I feel as though the wind is out of my sail. I am not sure what happened. Maybe just feeling blah this weekend. I think I will go listen to some upbeat music. Maybe the soundtrack from Chicago. I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend!
November 11, 2005
Nov 11, 2005
Well darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable and lightness has a call that’s hard to hear. I wrap my fear around me like a blanket. I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it. I'm crawling on your shores... Good morning! I have some updates which have brought me a little closer to my goal. On Wednesday I had my initial nutritional evaluation. It was scheduled for 3:00 pm. It was okay...they were running a little behind but I am pretty easy going. I figured if I had enough time to get from Florham Park to Riverdale for my psychiatric evaluation test by 5:00 pm, I would be good.
~The Indigo Girls
I had gone to the pre-op class that these nutritionists give with my friend who had RNY last March. So this appointment was pretty much a repeat of that. They did ask me some of my history but, other than that, I did not learn much else. But hearing the same information over and over again, in the case of WLS, is always a good thing! However, while I was sitting there listening to all of this for the second time, I did notice that the time was creeping...
By 4:30 pm I was out the door. I did not think I would have any problems getting to Riverdale (20 minutes away) by 5:00 pm. WHAT WAS I THINKING!? Rush hour starts at 4:00 in Jersey! Plus, I had only eaten breakfast because, since I had to leave work early, I did not take a lunch break...then I thought I would have plenty of time in between the nutritionist and the psych appointment at 5:00 to grab something quickly. Nope...no time to eat. Not a big deal but I am not the best with traffic (it is my #1 pet peeve...being late is a close 2nd) so I was not in the best of moods..and then, on top of it, I was hungry. Oh...and it started pouring! AND...my gas tank was close to E. Banner night, I tell you!
I was scheduled to take a personality assessment at 5:00 but, at 4:50 I will still stuck on 287 so I called their office. Let me tell you, the office manager, Carol, was SOOOO nice! And SOOO helpful...even from the very first time I called them to find out if they do evaluations for bariatric surgery. Anyhow...she was very sweet and told me not to worry that I was late. Well...I finally approached the building. I had never been to this building before and I had to make a U-Turn to get to it (which took me at least 10 minutes because it is a heavy traffic area). I would have only been 15 minutes late but I was not aware that there is NO ENTRANCE to the building from the highway! I had needed to take the exit at the U-Turn to get to the building. Okay...Mrs. Laid-Back is history. I was so mad I was almost hyperventilating because I had to then take yet another U-turn. The next turn around was FAR away and that, of course, meant that I had to make the heavy-traffic U-Turn again. GRRR. I ended up arriving at 5:30 for my test. But, again, Carol made me feel completely at ease about being late. Okay...I do not know why I am writing this horribly boring story but it was just turning out to be an awful evening...
When I called my insurance company to find a professional who performs psychiatric evaluations for bariatric surgery, they sent me a list of doctors. I picked the first name on the list because, well, because it was first and because it was the closest. They are the Wayne Psychological Group. I was to go there two times...once to take a personality test and once to be evaluated by the psychologist. The test had 540 questions! My word! It is called the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory test. It only took me an hour and twenty minutes to zip through it...thankfully I am a fast reader. They were all rather suprised that I finished so quickly...which made me nervous. I mean, I read each question, answered it and did not go back to it. It's not the SATs :) Plus, how hard is it to answer, "I feel like my body is possessed much of the time, True or False." I do so hate these kinds of tests, though. They ask other questions such as, "Most people will blame other people for their own mistakes, True or False." Now...how do you answer this? Do I believe MOST people do that? No. Do I believe that a lot of people do? Yes but the question stated, "Most people." So...I answer "False." I really believe that people are basically good inside. But there were so many questions like this that my repeated "False" answers probably made me look like Pollyanna Good-Two-Shoes. Ah well...it is just a stupid test, right? So, finally, I left there at around 7:00 pm. I could not WAIT to get home...and I was almost there...when I hear BING...my gas tank was officially at ZERO miles to empty. JUST what I needed :) Thankfully I was able to get to the gas station and home in time to see my son before my husband put him to bed. So it turned out to be a fine night after all....
I really thought that, after a 540 question test, the face-to-face with the psychologist would be cake. I met with him the next day at 11:00 am. Now, I have met with a psychiatrist before...after I had my son I suffered horrible post-partum depression. Back then I went to the doctor's dingy little office, sat there, told him I was miserable and he prescribed me some drugs. So I am thinking that this visit would be exactly like that (minus the drugs). But, um...NO...NOT like that at all. The office I sat in was very nice...bright with big windows and nice artwork on the wall (well, if you can call a poster of ET the Extra Terrestrial 'artwork' 
). The point is, it was really pleasant (I was mesmerized by a framed print named "The Return of the Cable Car" and I found ET somehow comforting). The chair was cozy and everything. I was fully prepared to answer questions about how long I have been overweight...why I eat...whether or not my family is overweight. But...nooo...I was asked to give an autobiography of myself. Folks, I just cannot do that. Of course, I can ramble on and on (as I have been here) in writing...but I just cannot, from scratch, start telling someone about myself. My inability to do that brought more uncomfortable questions. The tension in my neck and shoulders was SO intense that I still feel it this morning. I just do not get it! This psychologist must be very gifted because I felt as if I were a wound that he kept picking at to the point of bleeding. I know this seems like a huge overreaction. Even to me it does. I have no idea why I had such a difficult time with that session. But, okay...enough about that. I do have to say that I now have a **tremendous** amount of respect for those of you who can work through your issues in therapy. It is very, very brave. As for me? Apparently not so brave.
The only positive thing that came out of that experience is that I am one step closer to having everything ready to submit to the insurance company for approval. That is, if I did not FAIL my evaluation . I am getting there...little by little!
I hope you are all having a wonderful day!
November 9, 2005
Nov 09, 2005
I'm from New Jersey. I don't expect too much. If the world ended today, I would adjust... ~John Gorka
Good afternoon, everyone! Or good morning to all of you in the West :) I don't think I have mentioned this but I am from Northern New Jersey. Jersey is a kick-ass state...I would not want to live anywhere else. And, no, I do not call it 'Joisey' nor do I say, 'dawg' when I mean 'dog.' I have my nutritional evaluation at 3:00 PM. I actually had my initial psychiatric evaluation scheduled today but I missed it. I swear I knew it was today but, when I got to work this morning, my Outlook calendar and ANOTHER calendar had it down for tomorrow. I tried to call to confirm but they did not answer. I got busy at work and did not call again. Then, when I checked my home voice messages...sure enough...I missed it! It just goes to show you that you should listen to your inner voice! This psychologist is apparently pretty booked but I am lucky that he has a cancellation for tomorrow. I said to him, "You do not have anything else today?" He said, "Yeah..I had an appointment at 10:00" (meaning the one I missed). He was not joking about it, either. I replied, "Yes, by all means rub it in because I really AM sorry." And I was not even being bitchy...I WAS sorry. Their office has been EXCEPTIONALLY helpful to me. Well, I will see him tomorrow... I just love it here. Close enough to NYC to enjoy the perks...but far enough away to be FREE of it!! Speaking of 'dawgs'...here is a photo of me and my beautiful boy on Easter of this year:
Okay...I have to run but I will let you all know how the nutrition appointment went :) Make it a great day!
November 8, 2005
Nov 08, 2005
Welcome to my morning. Welcome to my day. Yes, I'm the one responsible, I made it just this way...
~John Denver
Happy November, everyone. Today is what I call my son's Happy Month Day! He is 11 months old today. I CANNOT believe how this year just whizzed by. It could make me cry, really. Well, hell, ANYTHING could make me weepy at this time of the month !
I LOVE reading the profiles here at OH so I vowed that I would keep one, as well. Of course I made this vow two weeks ago and have not posted anything yet so I am going to make up for that now. Be prepared to be bored to tears. 
Alrighty...I have already told you that I am 34. And a half . My first child, who I worship, was born 11 months ago today. I have been married three times to the same man! Okay...maybe I should explain...
I had a ceremony in India in December of 2001. I had a US ceremony on . Actually, in India I wore a sari.
Here is a photo of me at my Indian wedding:
Here is a photo of me at my US wedding:
Here is a photo of me at my St. Lucian wedding:
Are you completely sick of my photos yet?
Okay...I have a story similar to all MO people. I was really skinny as a YOUNG child but, by the 5th grade, I was already pushing maximum density (okay all you children of the 80's...what movie is that line from??). I think I weighed 99 lbs in the 5th grade. Oh heck, I KNOW I did because I got weighed in front of the whole class, naturally, and that was just a joy. Insensitive educators should be forced to relive their most embarrassing childhood moments over and over again until they learn their lesson!
I do not really remember my youth as being a painful time. I was relatively happy. Of course there was the occasional fat comment...but I was also getting taller which is sort of a mixed blessing if you happen to be young and fat.
By the time I was in HS (Freshman year) I weighed about 160. And I thought I was ENORMOUS! Foolish, foolish child! That is my GOAL weight, for heavens sake. But you know what it is like. People aged 14-17 do not understand that a little meat on a woman is attractive. They just see it as something to make fun of. But, again, I enjoyed school for the most part and was not too traumatized.
I remember the first real diet I attempted was the Scarsdale Diet when I was 17 (at this time I weighed 180-ish). My weight dropped into the low 170's. Okay, that sucker was SO NOT worth being thinner for. Mr. Scarsdale's wife ultimately shot and killed him...did you know that? I wonder if it is because she tried his diet. Okay...that is not right...I should not poke fun at someone's tragedy...but that diet was really hard to stick to. It would have been better named, "Scarsdale's Starvation Diet."
The year I entered college, I gained the 'freshman 15'...or so! Actually, I know I weighed 186 because that weight is written in one of my old journals. On that same page I called myself a 'pig.' My word...youth is SO wasted on the young! Again, though, I was tall and that helped hide those extra lbs (plus, I do not carry a lot of weight in my face). I dated steadily through HS and college but I also kept getting bigger.
My weight climbed in college and I also started having bouts of serious depression...although I had no idea that depression was a real disease at the time. I would sleep for hours on end and not want to do anything. My family just thought I was beginning the 'moody teen' years a little late but, the truth is, I just had a hard time coping with...life. I remember the "episodes" would hit me like a steamroller! I would be just sitting around watching TV and everything would be fine when all of a sudden it was like a black shroud was placed over me. I felt as though I was kissed by a Dementor (Harry Potter fans will understand this reference). I am sure that anyone who suffers from depression knows what I mean. I was not diagnosed with depression until around 2003. So I lived for over a decade just thinking that something was horribly wrong with me - that I was simply lazy and that is why I was so miserable.
Let me break here for this Public Service Announcement....
SCREW YOU, MR. CRUISE!! Do not try to tell me that proper diet and exercise will cure my depression. Take your Scientology and shove it!
Okay...I feel better now :) And let me state for the record...I take NO issue with Scientologists or with people from any religion. But for someone in his position of influence to come out and say that only the weak take medication for depression...well, that is just plain irresponsible!
So...where was I? Okay...so I just kept getting bigger. Of course I dieted here and there and lost and gained the same 20 lbs over and over. Well, before you know it, I dieted myself to MO! The most successful I have ever been on a diet was when they created the beautiful cocktail of Fenfluramine and Phentermine (Fen-Phen). That stuff was EFFECTIVE! I dropped 70 lbs in my mid-20's. But then there was that little thing about it killing people and the Fen portion was withdrawn from the market. But I went from 265 down to 194. I was SO happy at that weight. I mean...just thrilled. 5'10" and 194 ain't bad ;) But, once Fen-Phen went bye-bye do you think I kept the weight off? Of course not! Why else would I be writing my story here .
So here I am...mid-30's. I want to see my son's children get married! I want to be able to run marathons with my husband and not make *his* life miserable because of *my* self-esteem issues. It was a long time coming but I am solid with this decision. I have tried every diet out there and I have researched the heck out of weight loss options. I believe this surgery is for me.
So...where am I on this journey? Well, currently I have Cigna. My first consultation with the surgeon back in the summer had me leaving nearly in tears. Cigna requires at least 6 months of a doctor-supervised weight loss plan. And, even then, chances are they will not approve this surgery for me (no physical co-morbidities). I thought maybe that was a sign that I should not have it. But, then...I got another sign. For the first time in the almost 10 years I have been with my company, they are offering a third insurance option aside from Cigna and Aetna. They are offering United Health Care. I have heard MANY good things about this company. And, while I am still anxious about getting approved, I know my chances are much higher. And I HAVE been doing a (useless) doctor-supervised program for the past 5 months. So hopefully that will be helpful, if needed.
At my first consultation I fully intended on getting the LAP-BAND. But, in the last month, I went from thinking that I would ABSOLUTELY NOT even entertain the thought of RNY to "Well, maybe I would consider it" to "THIS IS WHAT I AM HAVING!"
And I am terrified and excited all at once. There is a certain amount of peace to be derived from simply making a decision and accepting it. But I look at my baby and pray I am not one of those people who do not survive. And then I feel so guilty for not trying to diet and exercise again, dammit! But then I calm myself down and tell myself...25 years. That is how long I have been overweight. It is time to remedy that once and for all.
I would appreciate any and all prayers for a successful journey. And I will say a prayer for all of you. I cannot wait to be on the losing side! For now...cheers!
