Jessicam2589

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Hey hey hey,

Well my weight has gone down, finally!  It probably wasn't the healthiest way to loose 16 pounds, but I was going thru some things...and it just happened.  I'm finally down to 148 lbs!  I'm wearing size 8 jeans and medium tops.  I feel great!

Me and George officially broke up.  It should've happened a long time ago, but I just recently found the strength in me to leave.  Its been about 1 1/2 months now since I broke it off, and I'm doing good.  I moved out of our apartment and am staying with a friend, and he's supposed to be going back to California March 10.  Then I'll be moving back into the apartment and one of my friends is going to be my roommate.  :)  I'm pretty excited.  I've been over to the apartment a couple of times to feed my cats and just say hi, and its so gross.  He hasn't bought shampoo, soap, toliet paper, toothpaste...ANYTHING since I've left.  Dishes are everywhere, its just a pit.  And soo nasty.  There are pizza boxes everywhere, its like after I left he just gave up on life or something.  I mean...who doesn't buy soap?  But anyway, its been a really hard month, but things are finally starting to look brighter.  He had been calling me and emailing me nonstop, and FINALLY that has stopped.  He was making my life living hell....reminding me everyday that I've ruined his.  Anyway, thats the latest update on my life....

Pretty exciting huh?

Well here I am again...complaining again...tired again.  After everything that happened over this past weekend, we ended up talking again.  I refused to talk to him Monday all day and when I got home late from work he was very upset with me.  I walked in the door and he started yelling, and then crying, and then came the begging.  I just told him I can't live my life like this, that it isn't fair to either one of us.  He said he was sorry and he was going to try harder.  And (I think) stupidly I fell for it.  I told him that if we were going to make this work, then we were going to take a break from each other.  And that I wanted to go to couples counseling.  He agreed, so I've been looking up counslers in town and hopefully can find one soon.  So things between us have been OK I guess, until last night.  I was just so pissed at him.  His friend DJ's every Wednesday night at a bar here in town.  He wanted to go last night, so I was like yeah that sounds like fun, we should go together.  Well his friend didn't call and I got tired, so I ended up just going to bed.  Well at about 11:30 he came into the room and said that his friend had just called and was going and that he was going with him.  I was asleep so I just said whatever, bye.  Well, about 5 freaking hours later he decided to come home.  4:30 in the morning.  4:30!!  I heard him come in and I was like, what the hell?  So this is cool now?  Don't get me wrong,  I DO NOT CARE IF HE GOES OUT.  I actually encourage it.  But what pisses me off is the fact that if I want to go out with my friends to a club/bar its  a HUGE ordeal.  I'm not allowed to go without a fight.  And if I do end up going, he'll call me at least 10 times and I HAVE to be home by a certain time.  Usually around 1.  So...I guess its OK for him to do it, but not me.  And then he gets pissed if I drink, but hmmm he came home last night and REEEEEEEEKED of alcohol.  So I don't know.  He's a f^@$ing hypocrite and it really just pisses me off. 

On top of that, we got a letter from our apartment complex about our cats.  We have two cats that are about 5 months old and I LOVE the hell out of them.  They say they are still kittens and now I'm not allowed to have them.  They are completely potty trained, independent, and have destroyed NOTHING.  UGH.  I'm so irritated right now.  I'm in a horrible mood and don't want to be at work today.  I just want to go home and cry with my kitties.

:(

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself.  I have been so depressed lately, in such a funk...and I can't get out of it.  I think there are so many things wrong with me or wrong with my life...I can't just blame one thing.  I wonder why sometimes I can't just be happy.  It pisses me off!  People make it seem so easy.  I know there are others who have it worse then me, I KNOW THIS...but sometimes I just need to feel sorry for myself...and today is one of those days.  As far as weight  goes, I have it back under control.  It didn't take me long, luckily, but my weight is back down to 159.  I just need it to keep going down.  Thats good I guess.  My love life is on the rocks.  But it has been since we've been together.  George is so over protective, almost to the point where I feel like I can't breathe.  He gets upset with me all the time, and in turn I'm upset with him all the time...so we are ALWAYS fighting.  Everyday there is a fight, no fail.  We don't see each other as much as we use to, because of schedule change, and its almost a relief.  I use to want to spend every waking moment with him, and now I dread when he comes home.  And its because I don't want to fight.  I don't feel like its fair for us to always be down and sad.  when you love someone, its not supposed to be like that...so why is it so hard for us?  I tell him all the time that I don't think we are compatiable.  I know we love each other, there is no question about it, but our personalities clash, and I think thats why we fight so much.  Before I moved to California and before he moved to Kansas, I made some really big mistakes.  I cheated on him right after I broke up with my last boyfriend.  After that break up I was going thru a really tough time in my life, so I turned to men to make me feel better.  Obviously that didn't work, and in the process I ended up cheating on George.  I would never in a million years do that again, and he knows that I have done this.  He decided to forgive me and move on, but his jealousy is just out of control now.  He says its because of what I did before.  But I can't talk to anyone on my phone, read emails, go ANYWHERE without being questioned constantly.  He reads over my shoulder whenever I'm on the computer, he sits and listens to my phone conversations and then asks a million questions, checks on my myspace and keeps TABS of who my friends are on there.  He even knows the EXACT number of friends I have on there, and if I add someone he figures out who it is and asks me who they are, how I know them, etc.  AHHHH!!!!  For the last month I have been drinking every single weekend.  All weekend long I'm drunk, and i KNOW its bad for my body (so please don't lecture me) but I do it so I can get away from everything else that goes on.  Its only make my problems worse and it makes me feel like crap the next day, but I don't feel like I can help it.  I went out with my friends last Saturday, because my friend just turned 21, so I wanted to help her celebrate.  George threw a fit.  We were going to a club and everytime I mention the word CLUB he flips out.  Hes so afraid of me dancing with some other guy or something like that...that he can't stand even stand the thought of me going.  It drives him crazy when another guy finds me attractive, or if I say someone else is good looking.  Anyway, thats besides the point...so against his wishes I went anyway, and tried to have a good time.  The whole time I was out with my friends I felt guilty.  (He doesn't like my friends either because he thinks they are bad influences...they party a lot...but for goodness sakes we are 21 years old!!)  So while I was out I was totally plastered and had a decent time.  I did get into an altercation with some other man...(he hit me in the head because i wouldn't dance with him...so I kinda sorta smacked him back...but it got stopped right away) George ended calling my phone 8 times before I noticed...I obviously couldn't hear my phone...I called him on my way out and he was livid.  He was so pissed off at me for going out...and the whole way home I got yelled at.  I told him what happened with that other guy, and that just pissed him off even more.  Now he's using that as an excuse for why I shouldn't hang out with my friends.  WHATEVER!  So I got lectured until about 4 am Sunday morning and was finally able to go to sleep.  Then I heard about it all day long yesterday...and I'm just sick of it.  The icing on the cake was this - before we went out Saturday night we all met up at my friends house.  She lives with her boyfriend there, so we were all just hanging out and getting read to go.  We were taking pictures - just having a good time.  Well my friends boyfriend took some pictures on his camera, and posted them online - just like everyone else.  Well George saw them late last night and came and woke me up around 2 am to ask me why I didn't tell him, and why there are pictures of me on B's camera.  I was like...well hmm we were taking pictures and I just happened to be in a few?  I didn't know whos camera was whos we were just taking pictures!  And its not like they were just of me, my other friends were in them too!  But anyway, he flipped out and I told him I couldn't deal with that right now...I had to sleep.  Well then he came back at 4 am and was like, I can't do this anymore, I give up.  I was like...well what is that supposed to mean?  He was like your friends boyfriend has pictures of you online and he's your myspace friend...doesn't that seem odd to you?  I was like uhh...no.  And he told me he gave up.  I told him he was rude and that I was going back to bed.

Thats the stuff I deal with on a daily basis, and I'm just so drained.  Am I being immature here?  I don't know what to do.  I'm so sad and so depressed and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to.  I don't know if I should deal with this - because I brought this all upon myself.  I think its because of my mistakes from before that makes George the way he is.  Should I stay with him?  Do I leave him?  I don't know what to do. :(  I think when I go home tonight I'm going to move my stuff into the spare bedroom.  I don't think I can live in the same room with him right now.  That makes things tough too...we live together.  AHH.

I'm sorry this was so long.  Thank you for listening. :(

Hey ya'll....
Life has been pretty crazy lately.  I've been meaning to update on here, but I'm way too lazy.  Lets see...
My Weight:
I've gained about 6 pounds, and its really got me down.  The sucky part about it is, I swore to myself that I wouldn't let this happen.  And now I just feel out of control.  I know its not a whole lot, and if I get it under control now I'll be fine...but I can feel it in my clothes...my body just feels so blah, and gross.  I was down to a size 10 in jeans, but now they are getting so tight, I can barely fit into them.  I'm OK with being a 12, but I just felt so good being a little lighter.  I know what I need to do to kick this back into gear, I just need to do it!  :(  I haven't seen my doctor since July, and I know thats really bad too.  But I don't have insurance, and I can't afford to go.  AH!  I've also been really tired lately.  Sometimes I think I don't get enough sleep, so I'll go to bed early and I'm still super tired.  I don't know whats wrong with me.  I went to my doctor to get a b12 shot, but they apparently had just run out before I got there, so I didn't end up getting one.  I don't know if thats maybe what I need.  Who knows...
I'm still with George.  We ended up moving into our own apartment September 1st.  Its been much better for our relationship I think.  We still fight sometimes, but I'm not as stressed out, he's not as stressed out...we get along a lot better when we aren't living with one of our parents. I still can't wait to get married...OK well he hasn't asked yet...I don't when/if he's going to..I sure hope so though.  We talk about it a lot, and I feel like we're married...just without the certificate.  He gave me a promise ring on our one year anniversary, and it was a total surprise.  Although it wasn't very romantic the way he did it...so that was kind of disappointing...but none-the-less I got it.  He's not too much into romance...and it kind of bums me out.  I do have to give me credit, he has surprised me with flowers 3 separate times.  Anywho, now I"m just rambling. 
Work is good.  I'm finally at a job I enjoy and work with people I like...and are a little closer to my age.  George is working full time as well, and gets paid very nicely.  Sure can't wait for christmas! :D 
Well I should get back to work, my "diet" starts today, I'm cutting out high calorie drinks...and CHOCOLATE.  Just until Christmas of course.  I think those are my biggest downfalls...if I just would stick to water...and milk sometimes too.  Okie doke, I'm out!

Wow its been a long time!  I kind of got out of checking this place out everyday, and I miss it!  Well I think in my last post I mentioned that I was moving to California, and I did!  March 1st...for 2 WHOLE months!  Haha, I ended up moving back to Kansas at the end of April!  I was sooo freaking homesick and as far as finding a job and what not...it just wasn't working.  So I packed up my little saturn again, this time with my boyfriend and came back to Oz land. :)  We've been staying with my mom, and are moving out in August!  I'm excited, and so so happy to be home!

I'm down to 162 pounds, my weight loss has really slowed down.  I think I've lost maybe 6 pounds in the last 2 months?  Oh well, its still coming off so I'm happy with that.  Really only 12 pounds until my surgeons goal weight.  I couldn't really decide how much I wanted to weigh...I just wanted to feel good.  And right about now, I'm feeling pretty damn good!

I've joined a softball team with my work, I've been riding bike, and going to the pool and swimming laps.  I've never been this active in my life, and I would have never even tried before.  I feel soo good!

Stats:
Beginning Weight: 268
Beginning Pant Size: 22W
Beginning Shirt Size: 2X or 20W

Weight now: 162 pounds
Pant Size: 11/12
Shirt Size: Large

wooohooo for weight loss surgery!

It's been waaaaaay too long since I've last updated.  
I'm doing really good.  My weight loss has slowed down a bit, but I guess thats to be expected.  I am a little over 7 months out now, and weighed in this morning at 174.  So thats a total of  82 since surgery and 94 pounds since my highest weight.  I usually go off of that one, since I I somehow lost 12 pounds the month before surgery.  I've been doing a lot better with water!  I make sure that I get at least 25 ounces before lunch and another 20 after.  And then whatever during the evening.  This is really good for me.  Before now I didn't really pay attention to my water intake, but after kidney infections and kidney stones I totally learned my lesson.  I've been really good about vitamins this whole time too!  

When I got my 6 month labs done, everything came back really well except my iron was a little low.  So I got on an iron supplement, and something just didn't work out right.  AS SOON as I started taking it everyday I had my period for EVERYDAY.  So it lasted for 3 weeks, and I stopped taking those darn pills and I stopped.  It isn't the brand that my surgeon suggested, so I may need to look into that instead.  

I'm officially in size 12 jeans and large shirts and unofficially in size 10 pants.  Yesterday I went to old navy, and was p.o.'ed because there were a couple of things on clerence that i wanted, but they only had them in 10's, so i grabbed them and tried them on for the heck of it.  I fit into a 10 jean mini skirt and size 10 black dress capris.  I was freaking amazed!  I don't know how THAT happened, but it made me happy none-the-less. 

I'm moving March 1st!  Wooo hoooo!  So if there is anybody who lives in Fresno or around there, hit me up!  I would love to meet some great people of this website.  I don't know any one in "real life" that has had weight loss surgery.  :(  I feel kinda alone.  

I need to update my picutes as well.  I got my hair done all purty and I need a decent one of me at this weight...the one I have up is scary!

I promise to update again soon!

Toodles!

Well, my trip was absolutely amazing!  I had the best time.  We didn't do much of anything, but that didn't matter.  Just spending that time with him was all I needed.  AHH I'm madly in love, and I can't wait to see him again!  Leaving California was soooo hard.  I wanted to stay sooo bad.  I totally totally would have if I didn't have a job, a dog, an apartment, a car payment, oh and my other job...waiting for me.  Hah, silly stuff.  Well its offical, at the end of January I'm outta here!  He's going to look for an apartment before he comes here to visit, but if he doesn't find one he'll have a whole 2 weeks to find one before i get there!  My mom is going to drive out there with me, I'm so excited!  It'll be fun to kind of do one of those last mother-daughter bonding trips before she gives me away to Georgie.  I'm going insane here without him!  He'll be here December 13th, which is so close I should really get over it.  We spend 3 1/2 months apart before I went and saw him...I can handle 2 1/2 weeks.  Its just so hard.  I'm so in love with him...I've never in my life felt this way about ANYONE.  Even my ex boyfriend.  I thought we were going to get married and stuff, and we even lived together.  But it took him entirely too long to get his act together, and I should've known a long time ago that he was NOT the one for me.  But I was young and blinded by  "love" that I couldn't leave him.  George treats me about 400 million times better then Tony ever did.  I tell george stories all the time about things that Tony use to do to me, and his reaction is always the same.  He always tells me that Tony is a dumbass and that I deserve so much better.  And thats where George comes in. :)  Its funny...and I can't believe I'm admitting this...but I acutally left Tony to be with George.  I guess I cheated on him.  Tony and my relationship was on the rocks way before I ever knew George exsisted.  I know thats no excuse, but I didn't know what else to do.  I had given Tony the promise ring back to him about a month before we officially broke up.  We were still living together, but no acting like a couple, and definetly not treating each other like a couple.  I was in love with Tony at one time, but I had fallen out of love.  I didn't leave because it was comfortable, and because I was convinced that no one else would want me or love me because of my weight.  Tony actually told me one time, that if guys actually saw my whole body picture on myspace, that none of them would really want to talk to me or be interested in me.  He put me down, and I believed him.  He wasn't the cause of my low self esteem, i had that way before him...he just added to it.  So anyway, I met George thru myspace and he told me it was love at first sight.  He just had to talk to me.  We started emailing each other, and I was instantly attracted to the way he was talking to me.  No one had ever been so sweet or so sincere to me.  EVER.  I gave him my number...and the night that he was supposed to call, he text messaged me instead to tell me that he was out with a friend, and that he would be a little late on calling me.  No one had ever given me that kind of courtesy before.  No one ever cared if they left me hanging...but he did.  Then we ended up talking for 3 hours that night, and I fell in love instantly.  I think it was his surfer voice and accent. :)  Just kidding, but really..he was unlike anyone else I had ever met.  I guess we talked for about a week while I was still living with Tony.  Then I found out he cheated on me, and decided that he was gonna go off the deep end.  He really did.  I was actually talking to George one night when he came home, and he started flipping out on me.  And I just told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore, that it wasn't working.  Then he decided to call me EVERY name in the book, say the most hurtful things he could think of to me, cut his hand...and bled all over our apartment.  As I was sitting there crying and trying to figure out what to do...he came and rubbed his blood all over my pillows and comforter, and made a circle around me where I was sitting.  I almost died.  It was the most horrible thing anyone had ever done to me.  I was bawling...found the strength to grab some things and my dog...and went over to my moms.  Of course he then decides that I mean so much to him and he has to have me back.  I look back now, and I really don't know if Tony really actually loved me.  I believe he did at a time, but then I think he fell more in love with his lifestyle and the life i was giving him, then me.  I think once he realized that he had no place to live, no car to drive around whenever he wanted, no one to take him out to eat, and buy him his clothes and cds...thats when he realized what he had done.  By that time it was too late.  I've had people tell me that I didn't have time to get over Tony, and that I jumped into a new relationship too fast.  I don't think their right.  I've honestly never been happier than I am now.  The only thing that could make my life better would be to be with George all the time.  And I'm getting that in 2 months.  He is my soulmate and I honestly honestly believe that.  He loves me in a way that Tony never did, and he shows me the respect taht I have finally realized I deserve.  Hes the most wonderful man, and I'm so utterly in love.

WOW that was a lot of rambling! Haha....on a happy happy note, I lost 4 pounds in California and another 3 since I've been home! Woo hoo!

Well in about 21 minutes I'm off to the airport.  I'm so freaking nervous!  First of all, I've never flown alone, secondly I'm super scared about changing planes in Phoenix!  What if I get stranded?  Oh good lord.  On top of that, George AND his mother will be there to great me when I get off the plane in Fresno.  This is too much.  BUT, I am excited, never been to California before.  And I'm super excited about Thanksgiving food.  I'm not denying myself ANYTHING.  I can control my portions, for sure.  

Well I have been complaining lately about how the men in my office have noticed my weightloss and have commented on it, but never the men.  Well, about 5 minutes ago...one of the younger ones...(okay he's 35 and I'm 20, but whatever) told me that I better stop losing weight or I'm gonna blow away!  Awww...how nice. :)  I don't know how to respond though, when people make comments.  I'm just like...oooh stop it.  I don't know.  But that made my day a little brighter. 

I got up like 30 minutes early this morning, so I could do my hair and makeup, so I don't look like a bum when I get off the plane, and scare george off.  Well I had to buy a new blow dryer, because my other one died a long loud painful death last week.  Umm...so I started using this one, and like 1 minutes into using it, and 1/4 of half of my head dry, it starts shooting out sparks!  AH!  So now I don't have fantabulous hair, and I think that the blow dryer gods are after me!

Well I won't be on here until next week, so everyone have a very HAPPY THANKSGIVING!  

I'll let you know how my trip goes...

Well, here we go again...

There was one friend that for some stupid reason I truley depended on a lot.  I don't know why, she never has really been there for me.  I've known this girl for a good 7 years, and I've always considered her a best friend.  My mom has been telling me for years that I should not talk to her.  She's one of those people that is very self centered and constantly talks about herself.  These things have always drove me crazy, but I tried to look past it because I knew deep down she is a good person.  I still believe that.  Whenever her and her boyfriend have problems she always turns to me.  I'm always there.  Whenever they make up, she doesn't need me anymore.  I'm still here.  And thats just the way it works.  I know I deserve better then that, but like I've said before, I just don't have a lot of friends...so the ones I do have, I try to cherish our friendship.  I dropped another one of my friends that was this way...and just plain mean, so I decided it was time for this  one to go too.  Especially after yesterday.

She's always been a little bit heavier, always weighing like 210 pounds or something.  But she's absolutely beautiful and carries her weight even more beautifully.  She has always worn like a size 12/13 or around that area.  (I can't even wear that and I am 20 pounds less then her! and she's the same height as me...) Anyway, she told me about a month ago, that when I need jeans, to let her know and she'll let me borrow some.  Since her weight fluctuates A LOT, she has them ranging from 10 - 16.  Well I've officially been in a size 16 for about the past week or so, so I decided I'd text message her and see if I could borrow some from her.  Her response back was, "No, I need them now, because I'm officially fat."  I was like...hmmm OK.  That really hurt my feelings!  Here I am, excited as hell because I can wear a 16 again (which I haven't been able to wear since I was 12 mind you) and she's telling me that thats fat!  AHHH  It really really got to me.  Maybe I'm over reacting, but I've struggled with my weight my entire life.  I've finally got some control over it, and I think I'm doing a damn good job.  No friend of mine is going to tell me that a size 16 is fat.

Ah, thank you...I feel better. :)

Well as of yesterday I weighed 198 pounds.  I've been waiting to hear those magic words.  ONE HUNDRED and yadda yaddi.  But I wasn't as excited as I thought I would be.  Whats my deal?  I've been sick for the past few days, and just haven't been myself.  I got my freaking period AGAIN, (I just had it 2 weeks ago).  I'm so sick of being irregular!  My doctor said it should start to even out to once a month again, but good night its not happening!  Why am I on the pill then?  If its suppose to be regulating me, its doing a pretty bad job.  Cramps are killing me!  

Well I'm suppse to go see the boyfriend in one week and 6 days.  Why am I not more excited??? Oh probably because i feel like boo boo and all we ever do is fight!  I'm so sick of my life.  Some very strange things have been happening lately, and I'm not quite sure how to react to it all.  Boys suck, 'nuff said.