Ten years, 2 months

Apr 08, 2009

I'm looking at getting post-WLS sugery for excess skin on my legs.
It was 10 years a few weeks ago. I decided to Update my notes here.
I'm currently about 225. I'm at a point where I'm not losing weight, but I'm getting noticably smaller. Noticeable to other people. I don't really notice.
I had a stroke during my RNY surgery that no one told me about after the surgery. I had a serious deficit, but my surgeon's nurse told me it was a side effect of the anesthesia. Immediately, I couldn't work. I tried to go back 3 weeks after RNY, but couldn't keep up with anything. I went back on medical leave and was laid off with everyone else in my department a few months later. 
Here's a quick summary of the last 10 years.
1 Year Out (YO) I went on vacation with my severence package (Hawaii) and got a new job. It was temp-to-hire, but the department I worked for had to cut staff, so I was let go before I was ever hired. I got another job. 

2 YO A new relationship and 2 more jobs. I'd never had a job for less than a year in my life. Now I'd done 4 jobs in 4 years. I had a nervous breakdown. I'd moved in with my love and put my place up for sale. The housing market crashed. The value of my place crashed. I let it go to live with my love. She couldn't deal with my nervous breakdown and told me to get out. I was homeless, then found a subsidized apartment. I applied for federal disability. I applied for state/county benefits.

3YO Massive depression and isolation. I couldn't take care of myself. I was nearly thrown out of my apartment because I was such a mess. I had $0 income. I got a part time job as a cashier and panic attacks were so bad I had to be drugged up to go to work. It was seasonal so I was let go. Because my employer didn't return paperwork to the county, all of my benefits were cut off and I had to reapply for them. No food stamps or medical for 3 months.

4YO I was approved for federal disability and got a lump sum to cover payments back to my initial date of application. I had to reimburse the county and state for the benefits they gave me. I paid my parents back for money they'd given me  while I was waiting, and I went on vacation. I spent $250 on an airline ticket (with FF miles) and went to Thailand. I had what seems to have been a seizure or blackout.

5YO Still depressed, still isolated I was less and less confident socially and I would get so tired that I used my new income to pay for services to come to me which ate up the rest of my lump sum over the next 16 months.

6YOA small ganglion cyst on my foot was removed via surgery in April. The wound wouldn't heal. When it finally healed closed, a massive infection developed. All told,  I was 5 months on bed rest with my right foot over my heart height. It changed the blood pressure in my legs to be different from each other. Still a problem.

7YO By September, I'd gotten up the nerve to ask my PCP for a referral, I met with a surgeon and had a panniculectomy. It was done badly and was a problem from the beginning. It would have to be repaired, but the surgeon wouldn't repair it. I lost 16 inches on my hips, but nothing from my waist. I became an upside down pear from being an apple. I started getting really tired. I started to trip and fall. Lots of memory problems. I struggled physically. I found out that I still qualified for some county/state benefits (I was tossed out automatically when I got SSDI) if I had a job. I tried to find work I could handle. I hit a lot of dead ends and people from the county/state who didn't really know how the programs worked until I got letters saying I didn't qualify.

8YO I got a job passing out samples at a grocery store on the weekends. I could work 1 or 2 days per month and qualify for a state/county program to get assistance at home - housekeeper, PCA, meals on wheels, etc. Benefits started. After years of sleep studies, failed CPAPs, and lots of frustration had me meeting with an ENT surgeon again. I was approved for a UPPP removing much of the soft tissue from my mouth.  I'd been tripping and falling for months. My PCP approved a wheelchair. I asked for an MS evaluation. I had the UPPP surgery in June. I was diagnosed with MS in August. I asked my job if I could please sit on a stool. No. I was given a loaner wheelchair while my order was bounced around insurance companies.

9YO Wheelchair came in March. Panniculectomy revision to fix the botched paniculectomy from 2 years earlier. Second surgery 6 weeks later to remove scars and necrotic fat from the first surgery. More necortic tissue developed. Waited 3 months. Since the pain was gone, the surgeon decided to skip a third surgery. I pressed my job for a wheelchair again. Instead of doing a review, they put me on medical leave. This meant I couldn't get any job assignments, so I lost my state/county benefits because I wasn't working. All of my services stopped. I'd been trying to get into a worker's program to help disabled people into the workplace. I finally got in. I got my employer to write a letter to the county/state saying it wasn't my fault I wasn't working, being in the job placement program got my benefits turned on, and while in it, I found a new job on my own.

With the new job, I'm working 3 days per week. I have to be dressed and presentable (scrubs, thank goodness! so comfy!) and I'm back to feeling confident and normal again. My attitude has changed dramatically. I still have panic attacks and depression, but it's much easier. The physical and mental energy I put into work means I don't have it for home so I need services now more than ever.  The rent on my apartment has gone from $4/month the first year to $894/month for the same apartment. My landlord miscalculated so it should be around $750 in a couple of days. My medical assistance premium doubled because of my new income. There is no free ride on isability benefits, kids. It's poor living and if you're not poor, you pay for those benefits!

IN weight, I've gone from 299 before surgery (size 26/28) to about 176 at my lowest (around size 12/14) up to 276 and now I'm around 225 (size XL, 16 pan, XXL 20 top).
I can't begin to compare life before WLS to now. There is nothing similar. I still can only eat about 2/3C food at a time while drinking. (I know, I know.) I'm constantly malnourished and have 3 different forms of anemia requiring one iron infusion so far. I'm on lots and lots of medication. Being out of work has given me time to get all kinds of medical diagnosis for problems I've had all my life that was at first really upsetting. Now it's just another thing for the list. My life is what it is. I can't refuse it's condition, I can only work with it.

I big part of me says often, and aloud that WLS ruined my life. 

Most of my health conditions had nothing to do with my weight, but I didn't know until I lost weight and kept my health conditions. WLS was never necessary. If doctors would have respected my health over the fact that I was an obese woman, we might have found other ways to help me without all of the tradgedy WLS has brought me. I can't even think of how many women I know who had WLS and found out later that they had hidden diseases that came out because they had surgery and weight was no longer a factor. I don't enjoy food, people get uncomfortable eating with me because I eat so little, malnourishment is constantly causing problems and food is more of a constant thought than it ever was when I was morbidly obese because I don't want to eat but I must so I need constant reminders. 

I used to be a really great cook! Being alone and eating alone means no cooking. Now that my physical health is so poor, I couldn't stand long enough to prepare a descent meal more than once every few months. I don't bother much with groceries. A take-away meal lasts me at least 2 meals, so that's how I get my food. My kitchen is where the cats eat and where I keep my wheelchair when I'm not in it.

WLS changed my life. That's what we all want, right? I really got change. Lots and lots of change and I'm a decade older. I think my current life would be much improved if I didn't have WLS, but I'd still be working full time and fat, I'd still have MS, but probably wouldn't have it diagnosed. And that's all I can guess at. WLS changed the details, not the big parts. The stroke from the WLS altered every sincle thing in my life.

I can't say I'd have been better without WLS with any confidence. I don't know. I know I don't like how it's gone, but I don't have say in that. I just have to keep living. 

More than ever, I acknowledge and recognize my weaknesses and I ask for help with confidence. I have people who help me with my weaknesses and help me figure out solutions. I think that's the best thing. I went from being a shirking fat chick that people rolled their eyes at because I never acted like a fat chick (and I should have?) who was told all problems were an atitude and fat problem, so I didn't do much more than suffer over them until I decided to take on WLS. Now my limitations are so aggregious that I don't put up with anyone giving me a hard time because I need help. 

#onward

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