Jen F.

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I haven't been on OH in almost 3 years. I just don't feel like I need feedback from the gang. I know y'all are supportive and have lots of suggestions, but I don't need em. So, I guess I'm not writing this post for any other reason than to document my stuff.

I will be 5 years out in 2 weeks. I had to go back and look at my old profile to see where I started. On July 29 2006, I was 299.4. I was at the doctor yesterday and I'm 260.1. So, I'm still down about 40 pounds from my worst recorded date.

I feel a bit better now that I've seen that. I thought I was all the way back to where I started. I got to around 170 and I've come back up.

I knew I was going to put on weight. I went into surgery having a bizzare condition of having a really high metabolism and still gaining weight. When I had to write my letter to the insurance company, I focused on being in pain and getting winded.

Well, the pain didn't go away. Before surgery, pain, carpal tunnel, depression and I forget what else was dianosed as cause by being overweight. After surgery, pain, carpal tunnel and depression stuck around. Since weight wasn't as much of an issue, I went to physical therapy asking for help to learn to stand and walk properly with my new balance. After evaluation, I learned about all kinds of deformaties I have. My feet don't both point forward, I can't completely straighten my right arm, etc. Oddities that can't be fixed because whatever reason they are there, there's no changing them. I was also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and eventually, some pinched nerves. I've been to a chronic pain program, I'm on a bunch of Fibro drugs and I've got a TENS unit to help with the pain. It's not as frequent at all, but occassionally I have flares.

I was never diabetic. I have never had heart or blood pressue issues. I don't hate my bodyshape any more than the average American women. OK, maybe less than the average. Surgery was for pain and surgery didn't do anything to fix the pain. I have a CPAP and the setting is the same as it was before surgery.

I regret having surgery. Yes, the origin of my pain is identified and has been treated, but it hasn't been worth it. I have a problem eating every day at every meal. My pouch didn't stretch and I can't eat a whole cup at once unless I drink with it.  I've gotten stuck and thrown up so many different things, my list of food is pretty short. I hate to eat with anyone because I'm very self-concious about how little I eat. I take really small portions and I stop eating before everyone else. Then I'm stuck sitting there waiting for everyone else to finish with nothing to do. I turn down dessert all the time. Last week I had a tiny sliver of key lime pie when I was at a social event and I started to dump - sweating, heart racing, the whole bit. I can drink a regular soda just fine, but I can't touch cake or pie.

I don't bother to sit down in a restaurant because I eat so little that it takes longer to be seated, place an order and get my food than it does to eat. Everything gets packaged to go.

I hate getting gifts of food from people. I still haven't found a way to say "no thank you" and have it stick. At this point, I'm just pissed off by the whole thing because no means no, damnit. With some people, I've resorted to turning down everything I can and just throw away the rest. It's such a waste. People don't accept how little I eat and are always trying to give me some to take with me.

On the other hand, if I'm going somewhere, I bring my own milk and some kind of protein snack. Always with me, I'm self concious that I'm carrying around 1/2 gallon of skim milk in my bag.

So, as I can see it, it sums up to either the fat girl not eating around other people and sneaking when no one's around or fat girl's snacking constantly. I feel like I can't win. Since surgery and I lst so much weight, I think I became more aware of how much attention other people pay to my weight and what I'm doing that may or may not affect it.

So, basically, I'm bitter and I regret surgery. I've gone through thousands of dollars of clothes and shoes in the last 5 years and I feel sick in one way or another every single day. My surgery was technically successful, but RNY surgery wasn't the right choice for me. And I'm stuck with it. 

I'm looking at getting post-WLS sugery for excess skin on my legs.
It was 10 years a few weeks ago. I decided to Update my notes here.
I'm currently about 225. I'm at a point where I'm not losing weight, but I'm getting noticably smaller. Noticeable to other people. I don't really notice.
I had a stroke during my RNY surgery that no one told me about after the surgery. I had a serious deficit, but my surgeon's nurse told me it was a side effect of the anesthesia. Immediately, I couldn't work. I tried to go back 3 weeks after RNY, but couldn't keep up with anything. I went back on medical leave and was laid off with everyone else in my department a few months later. 
Here's a quick summary of the last 10 years.
1 Year Out (YO) I went on vacation with my severence package (Hawaii) and got a new job. It was temp-to-hire, but the department I worked for had to cut staff, so I was let go before I was ever hired. I got another job. 

2 YO A new relationship and 2 more jobs. I'd never had a job for less than a year in my life. Now I'd done 4 jobs in 4 years. I had a nervous breakdown. I'd moved in with my love and put my place up for sale. The housing market crashed. The value of my place crashed. I let it go to live with my love. She couldn't deal with my nervous breakdown and told me to get out. I was homeless, then found a subsidized apartment. I applied for federal disability. I applied for state/county benefits.

3YO Massive depression and isolation. I couldn't take care of myself. I was nearly thrown out of my apartment because I was such a mess. I had $0 income. I got a part time job as a cashier and panic attacks were so bad I had to be drugged up to go to work. It was seasonal so I was let go. Because my employer didn't return paperwork to the county, all of my benefits were cut off and I had to reapply for them. No food stamps or medical for 3 months.

4YO I was approved for federal disability and got a lump sum to cover payments back to my initial date of application. I had to reimburse the county and state for the benefits they gave me. I paid my parents back for money they'd given me  while I was waiting, and I went on vacation. I spent $250 on an airline ticket (with FF miles) and went to Thailand. I had what seems to have been a seizure or blackout.

5YO Still depressed, still isolated I was less and less confident socially and I would get so tired that I used my new income to pay for services to come to me which ate up the rest of my lump sum over the next 16 months.

6YOA small ganglion cyst on my foot was removed via surgery in April. The wound wouldn't heal. When it finally healed closed, a massive infection developed. All told,  I was 5 months on bed rest with my right foot over my heart height. It changed the blood pressure in my legs to be different from each other. Still a problem.

7YO By September, I'd gotten up the nerve to ask my PCP for a referral, I met with a surgeon and had a panniculectomy. It was done badly and was a problem from the beginning. It would have to be repaired, but the surgeon wouldn't repair it. I lost 16 inches on my hips, but nothing from my waist. I became an upside down pear from being an apple. I started getting really tired. I started to trip and fall. Lots of memory problems. I struggled physically. I found out that I still qualified for some county/state benefits (I was tossed out automatically when I got SSDI) if I had a job. I tried to find work I could handle. I hit a lot of dead ends and people from the county/state who didn't really know how the programs worked until I got letters saying I didn't qualify.

8YO I got a job passing out samples at a grocery store on the weekends. I could work 1 or 2 days per month and qualify for a state/county program to get assistance at home - housekeeper, PCA, meals on wheels, etc. Benefits started. After years of sleep studies, failed CPAPs, and lots of frustration had me meeting with an ENT surgeon again. I was approved for a UPPP removing much of the soft tissue from my mouth.  I'd been tripping and falling for months. My PCP approved a wheelchair. I asked for an MS evaluation. I had the UPPP surgery in June. I was diagnosed with MS in August. I asked my job if I could please sit on a stool. No. I was given a loaner wheelchair while my order was bounced around insurance companies.

9YO Wheelchair came in March. Panniculectomy revision to fix the botched paniculectomy from 2 years earlier. Second surgery 6 weeks later to remove scars and necrotic fat from the first surgery. More necortic tissue developed. Waited 3 months. Since the pain was gone, the surgeon decided to skip a third surgery. I pressed my job for a wheelchair again. Instead of doing a review, they put me on medical leave. This meant I couldn't get any job assignments, so I lost my state/county benefits because I wasn't working. All of my services stopped. I'd been trying to get into a worker's program to help disabled people into the workplace. I finally got in. I got my employer to write a letter to the county/state saying it wasn't my fault I wasn't working, being in the job placement program got my benefits turned on, and while in it, I found a new job on my own.

With the new job, I'm working 3 days per week. I have to be dressed and presentable (scrubs, thank goodness! so comfy!) and I'm back to feeling confident and normal again. My attitude has changed dramatically. I still have panic attacks and depression, but it's much easier. The physical and mental energy I put into work means I don't have it for home so I need services now more than ever.  The rent on my apartment has gone from $4/month the first year to $894/month for the same apartment. My landlord miscalculated so it should be around $750 in a couple of days. My medical assistance premium doubled because of my new income. There is no free ride on isability benefits, kids. It's poor living and if you're not poor, you pay for those benefits!

IN weight, I've gone from 299 before surgery (size 26/28) to about 176 at my lowest (around size 12/14) up to 276 and now I'm around 225 (size XL, 16 pan, XXL 20 top).
I can't begin to compare life before WLS to now. There is nothing similar. I still can only eat about 2/3C food at a time while drinking. (I know, I know.) I'm constantly malnourished and have 3 different forms of anemia requiring one iron infusion so far. I'm on lots and lots of medication. Being out of work has given me time to get all kinds of medical diagnosis for problems I've had all my life that was at first really upsetting. Now it's just another thing for the list. My life is what it is. I can't refuse it's condition, I can only work with it.

I big part of me says often, and aloud that WLS ruined my life. 

Most of my health conditions had nothing to do with my weight, but I didn't know until I lost weight and kept my health conditions. WLS was never necessary. If doctors would have respected my health over the fact that I was an obese woman, we might have found other ways to help me without all of the tradgedy WLS has brought me. I can't even think of how many women I know who had WLS and found out later that they had hidden diseases that came out because they had surgery and weight was no longer a factor. I don't enjoy food, people get uncomfortable eating with me because I eat so little, malnourishment is constantly causing problems and food is more of a constant thought than it ever was when I was morbidly obese because I don't want to eat but I must so I need constant reminders. 

I used to be a really great cook! Being alone and eating alone means no cooking. Now that my physical health is so poor, I couldn't stand long enough to prepare a descent meal more than once every few months. I don't bother much with groceries. A take-away meal lasts me at least 2 meals, so that's how I get my food. My kitchen is where the cats eat and where I keep my wheelchair when I'm not in it.

WLS changed my life. That's what we all want, right? I really got change. Lots and lots of change and I'm a decade older. I think my current life would be much improved if I didn't have WLS, but I'd still be working full time and fat, I'd still have MS, but probably wouldn't have it diagnosed. And that's all I can guess at. WLS changed the details, not the big parts. The stroke from the WLS altered every sincle thing in my life.

I can't say I'd have been better without WLS with any confidence. I don't know. I know I don't like how it's gone, but I don't have say in that. I just have to keep living. 

More than ever, I acknowledge and recognize my weaknesses and I ask for help with confidence. I have people who help me with my weaknesses and help me figure out solutions. I think that's the best thing. I went from being a shirking fat chick that people rolled their eyes at because I never acted like a fat chick (and I should have?) who was told all problems were an atitude and fat problem, so I didn't do much more than suffer over them until I decided to take on WLS. Now my limitations are so aggregious that I don't put up with anyone giving me a hard time because I need help. 

#onward

Hey gang,
My 2 year surgiversary is approaching and I felt compelled to come visit the board I relied on SO MUCH when I was getting ready for surgery and going through all the weird stuff afterward.

On Friday, it will have been 2 years.  I'm within 10 pounds of my surgeon's goal.  For a while there, I set my sights on 20 or 30 pounds more, but that just didn't happen.  I feel pretty good about the way things have gone.

Here's my reality + my tips for anyone who's curious....
* I can drink soda now, but I waited a full year before I tried it again.  Still I try to keep in to 12 oz or less per day.  It took me almost 6 months of weaning off caffine before surgery.  In a few short months, I'm hooked again and get a headache if I don't have any.
* I have a hell of a time with ground beef.  Steak is fine, but ground beef causes problems every time.  Maybe it's the grissle.
* I didn't drink alcohol for the first year after surgery.  Started after that, experimenting and whatnot.  I've come to realize it's more trouble than it's worth, so I don't bother much anymore.
* I used to LOVE pasta.  All kinds, all shapes, all sauces.  Now, no matter what I do, I always get stuck.  Every couple of months I try again, but it just doesn't work.  It's an unhappy parting - a love affair that will never be...oh well.... Rice used to get stuck every time, but not anymore.  YAY!
* My portion size is still pretty small...maybe too small.  When I go out for dinner, I eat a bit and take the rest home.  Half of a grilled cheese sandwich is almost too much.  As such, I have to eat about 5 times a day to get enough in me to keep me going.  Lots of little meals.  Lots of leftovers.  Most of the time it's ok, but sometimes it's sad to know ordering a dinner at a restaurant is mostly a big waste and it will end up cold in styrofoam in my fridge and will take a week to finish. 
* Drink water and take your B12!  Dehydration SUCKS!  Pernicious aneamia (from missing B12) sucks even more.  For goodness sake, follow your doctor's orders and listen to your nut(ritionist).
*My skin did not shrink back to fit my new size.  Large parts of my skin (upper arms, upper legs, stomach area) look like pantyhose with runs in it.  My boobs are saggy.  The skin on my neck is loose and wrinkles vertically like an old lady.  I get more self-concious about that more than anything.  My partner (BLESS HER) said something to the affect of "I know you don't think it looks that great, but it all feels pretty good to me"  Love that woman.
*Exercise to make the pain go away.  Keep exercising. Start small, build up and keep going.  It took me a long time to get my butt in gear, but once I did, I realized it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I got past my fear of being made fun of by strangers (which comes back from time to time) and kept going.  Now I exercise just to prove I can.  I rode my bike about 20 miles today just running errands (south Minneapolis to Edina via Richfield, through Linden Hills past Lake Harriet and Lake Calhoun back to south Minneapolis)  Never thought I'd do that, but I do - 3 times a week.
*Take care of your mental health.  YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  How many amongst us have turned to drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, gambling, depression, self harm, and all other assorted distractions to run away from the pain that's still in there, even when your butt is the size of a teenagers?  Take your medication.  Have your medication checked if you haven't for a long time.  Go to group therapy and/or support groups.  Get a therapist.  Lean on your support network when you need it.  If nothing else, such radical changes in every bit of your life - internally and externally - require a lot of self reflection and a lot of support to talk it though, process it, and talk it through some more and process it some more.  IT'S HARD.  GET HELP!
* Take pictures, keep a journal, and be kind to yourself when weighing. Give this great big thing the attention it deserves, but don't let it be the one and only thing in your life.   Observe the changes, mark them down, but don't forget the rest of your life.  The short time after surgery is going to be nothing compared to the rest of your life.  Make yourself a little memory book can say "Back when I was fat, I had surgery, went through this really weird change, and became what I am now - look".  When you are ready, put the book away and just enjoy your life as it is.  Keep it as a momento like you might a high school yearbook or baby pictures, but remember, it's just part of your journey, not the whole thing.


Well, I've babbled on enough.  You probably know I hardly ever come here any longer.  Many of you probably have no clue who I am (look at my profile if you like - CRAZY differences in my pictures). 

Know that even though I'm not here, I think of all the newbies fondly - I know how stressful the pre-approved, pre-scheduled and pre-surgery times can be.  Listen to your medical professionals and ask questions of them until you are comfortable.
All you post-ops - hang in there.  It's weird.  It's bizzare.  It's stressful as hell.  Take care of yourselves as best as you can.  Love you all too.

Old timers - you know who you are - I hope you're doing well and making it through the whole darn thing.  I know you're probably here to get support from the other old timers and to help the newbies and post-ops with thier stuff.  You're generous and lovely for that.  Love you lots.

Best wishes to all of you, whatever your path is.  I wish you happiness and good health whether you have surgery or not, whether you reach your goal or not.  You're lovely.  Your life can be lovely too.

XOXO
Jen

Me at Big Hair Mania '07
http://images.obesityhelp.com/uploads/profile/354652/albums/4176/bighair-188586264.jpg

I just realized I'm just a couple of pounds from having lost one third of my pre-surgery body weight.  That's hard to think about.  Makes my heart skip a beat.  It feels like it's happening without me.  I'm almost 9 months out.  I hope to lose 5 more pounds before my appointment.

Think good thoughts for me.

I'm just back from 5 days in Hawai'i and feeling refreshed for life going forward.

I weighed at PN today and I'm at 222.4, which puts me at 77 pounds down.

My hair is falling out, but I'm feeling good.  I think I've stopped dumping almost all together, so gotta watch the diet more closely now.  Depending on the retailer, I'm in a size XL in pants and Tshirts instead of a men's XXXL.

Mahalo!
J

The calendar says it's winter, but there's hardly any snow on the ground, so I'm not so sure. I need winter.  LET IT SNOW ALREADY, sheesh.

I'm still dropping weight like crazy, some days faster than other.  My frustration now is that my top and my legs are thinning, but I'm still thick around my middle with slower weight loss and accumlating skin.  I'm frustrated because I can't buy smaller pants because I have to accomodate my stomach, which means the butt and legs of my pants hang down all baggy.  I don't like it.  I've finally gotten to a place in my weight loss where I'm comfortable wearing my clothes that are fitted (and actually touching my body instread of bagging out), and now I can't.

I'm getting serious about an exercise program.  I've been in physical therapy for a couple of weeks to learn about taking care of my feet, knees and hips after years of accumulated damage.  I just got laid off my job and plan to use some of my severance package to get a gym membership.  I'm also hoping to take a quick vacation adventure while I'm unemployed.

Oh, my hair is falling out also.  Not as quickly as it was a couple of weeks ago, but it is still thinning.  I don't think anyone else has noticed yet, but I do.

Not much else to report.  My birthday is 3 days away.  In one month it will be the anniversary of my starting the weight loss surgery process.  Man, what a year.

Happy New Year everyone.  Best wishes to you.

I had my three month post-op appointment today.  It's a couple of days early, but it's the only appointment I could get. I'm down 59 pounds from my pre-surgery weight.  I've lost 11 inches on my waist and 8 inches on my hips from my pre-surgery stats.  I'm losing much faster in my waist than in my hips, but they say you lose weight from the top down.  We decided I am getting enough liquid and enough protein, so that's good.  My BP is good, all is well.  I'm healthy enough.  I asked Dorothy to take my picture.  She's going to email it to me with my old picture.  I'll post them so we can see the difference.  I'm looking forward to that. 
I'm now wearing a size 14/16 top and size 22 pants.  My mobility is much better than it was.  I don't get winded nearly as much as I did before.  My asthma has improved and my overall joint pain has improved.
I'm allowed to eat 1/4 C of food now, and I have to work on eating more solid foods.
My next nurse appointment is February 12.  I have to make an appointment with the dietician to get caught up on that.

All is well.  No regrets.  I really like my progress so far.