Erin L.

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Well I can't really believe I am 15 months out as of tomorrow!!  I started this process weighing it at 380 pounds in a size 28...sometimes bursting out of this size...  Now I weigh about 180!!!  And can comfortably buy clothes at junior clothing stores!!  My 11's are starting to fall off of me and I buy mostly larges in shirts.  I feel so great these days! 

I would feel much better if I didn't have any extra skin, but all of that can be taken care of later!!  For now I'm just trying to firm up and get as healthy and strong as possible!  I have lost 4 inches in my neck alone and about 20 inches in my waist!! 

My life is so different now than it was 15 months ago.  I met the man of my dreams and am engaged!  We are getting married July 4th in Vegas and happily and excitingly planning the rest of our lives together!!!  I went to David's Bridal and was so worried about trying on dresses... I started trying them on and fell in love with the biggest, girliest, most expensive dress there!  Haha!!  I coudln't believe that I could ever wear a dress!!  Now I stare at it in my closet and can't wait to walk down the aisle and see Jeff's face when he sees me!  The chapel is paid for, my dress is in my closet, the girls are ordering their dresses, the rings are in lay away and the trip is booked!  We now just have to make payments and just count down until we are married:)

I had to ahve my gall bladder removed in September, then there were some complications so i had to go back and have a second surgery the following week.  They told me that if your gall bladder is acting up that you could feel like crap when you eat...I had a lot of times before I had it removed where I just never felt good after eating.  I was disappointed after having it removed because I couldn't eat anything!!  Everything I ate went right through me, I was scared to even eat cause I was worried I would get sick.  But now that it was almost 3 months ago..I've been able to eat about anything that I want.  I even made my Mom's homemade brownies with real sugar and was able to enjoy a couple bites!  :)  BUT...on the downside, now that I am learning about what will and will not make me sick, I sometimes feel like I push it to see what I can get away with.  I am a major food junkie and have a horrible addiciton.  I thought I was doing pretty good with it, but recently, I started to feel like I was losing that control...Part of it I think was PMS and just that time of the month, but also I need to get back on that bandwagon of protein first and lots of water.  I have been working out again, (before GB Surgery I was finally in a routine, but that surgery threw me out of wack!   I would be so tired, I would cry and had to have this stupid tube sticking out of my stomach for about a month...)  I finally feel close to back to normal and have been doing my workouts and the eliptical every other day.  I'm trying to firm up as much as I can now!! 

I am seriously considering plastic surgery!  Whatever I can get covered I want done immediately.... I work in payroll so year end is out of the question because of year end, I was hoping to get some done before the wedding but I'm thinking now I will have to wait...  SO then the questions will be do I wait and have babies first, or do I get done what I can now???  I'd like to get some done next year close to after the wedding, so we shall see!

I'll try and post a couple new pics real quick too! 

Thought I would post real quick cause I have a lot of emails asking where I went....Sorry guys!  Been so busy I haven't written much!  So much has changed since my last post!!  VERY quick summary cause I don't have that much time to write!  ;)  

The 15th was my 10 month surgiversary...  I'm down 176 pounds as of today...  I'm 3.2 pounds away from breaking into the lovely one-derland!!  I can't wait!  Food finally taste good again!  I'm working out on the elliptical about 5 days a week about half hour a day.  It's crazy before I would die after like 3 minutes, and now I'm seriously contemplating taking up running/jogging cause I feel like the elliptical just isn't' intense or strong enough anymore...  I love all the extra energy! 

Back in March...I met up with Jeff, an old co-worker out at the bar one night.  It was just as friends...but we really hit it off and by the end of the night I knew I was in trouble... ;)  I fell for him so hard and so fast!  He's the nicest guy I've ever met and he cares so much for me.  It's kinda fast...  but we have known each other for like 3 1/2 years about...  We've been dating now over 4 months and I've NEVER been happy like this in my life!  I feel like he was the missing piece of our puzzle.  He fits in so well with me and Jayden and Jayden loves him to pieces.  Jeff loves him too and I just feel like the three of us are finally the family that me and Jayden were wanting our whole lives.  I'll try and post a couple pics of us real quick!  

So I finally got my ex out of my house last Wednesday... Surprisingly he went maturely...got on the bus and went to Texas to live with his brother...  I was really surprised cause he is very stalkerish and just would never leave before...  But now I have met someone...I don't know if it is going to go anywhere?  It's way too early for that...but I do like him so far, and I told Paul that...He said that when he saw how my eyes lit up talking about another guy he realized I was over him.  He actually said to me, "I knew you hated me but I thought if I stayed around long enough than you would like me again one day"  Really?!?!?!?  That is so sad!  But that was how he thought!  He would just stay until he grew on me again??  That just wasn't an option anymore.  I feel bad for him cause he has no friends really except for me, he says I am his best friend and he wants to talk to me then about getting over me...  I have been ignoring his calls cause I just can't mentally help him anymore...I have been doing it for 10 PLUS YEARS!!!

Plus I like this new guy, I don't want him to think there is ANYTHING going on with Paul, cause there isn't!  The new guy is super sweet and nice, and mutual friends have told me he has never cheated adn doesn't have a malicious bone in his body.  He is really busy though, so that is a little frustrating since I am so high maintenance!  ;)  Haha!  No I just want to spend time with him...  I like him being around.  I'll keep you updated, for now...that's about it :)

I just posted the 5 month compare pics...  I feel like I am starting to look normal...  maybe not skinny obviously but now when I go out I don't feel like the fat girl anymore.  I know obviously I am chunky compared to the skinny girls when we are out, but I no longer feel like everyone is judging me on how big I am...for the most part!  ;)  

It's hard for me to compare though with other people...sometimes out with my girlfriends I will see another girl and point her out and say, am I that size??  My friends will say, no smaller...  It's great to hear, but I can't wrap my brain around it very well!

So today is my 5 month mark!  SOOOO many things have changed and my life just gets better and better all the time!  I found a diary that I wrote when I was 14 and I weighed 248.  Yes, my next goal was to be under 250 but even more than that, 248...I would be lighter than when I was 14!?!?  So this stepped on the scale and have beat both those goal!  247.6!!!!  I just can't beleive it!!  I'm so happy!!  That's a total of 132.4 pounds gone forever!! 

My hair is also not falling out as badly now... but I did get potassium vitamins today so that hopefully I won't be getting any more leg cramps!!!

I bought a pair of junior jeans from Target, size 17, a couple weeks ago they didn't fit...  I wore them out yesterday!!!  They were tight but they do fit!  AND I bought a tshirt at Lane Bryant that was a 14/16!!!  I used to buy the biggest size shirt they had and now I am wearing the smallest size!!!  :)  

Also I met this really great guy!  It is still way too early and I have no idea how it will turn out, but he is super sweet and doesn't seem to have a malicious bone in his body.  He knows alot of the same people I hang out and they all had good things to say about him...  I don't really get dating yet...Not sure how it works...  But so far so good, I'll keep you posted!  :)  

I'll add pics soon! :)

Well it's been a long few hard weeks since my last post...  I feel like tihngs are starting to come together and fall into place.  This morning I woke up with this calm inner peace I have not felt in a long time if ever!!  A couple weeks ago I decided mentally I just can't deal with all of this anymore...My hair is starting to fall out and lots at a time, I feel like I am losing my mind, the smallest background noises at my houses were starting to drive me nuts, and I hadn't lost anyweight for about 3 weeks!

Well I went in to see my primary dr. and she prescribed Zoloft for me.  I only started taking it yesterday.  We'll see how it goes...  I have been much calmer in general since last week when I went, but I definitely agree I need the zoloft for now.  It is supposed to treat everything fom anxiety, to depression, to ocd, and not having any weight gain issues or anthing like that...so we'll see!

My hair seems to not be falling out as badly now! I am still just hanging on and trying to get the protein in and all of that!  It's hard...really hard!  I only eat maybe 40 grams a day and that seems to be pushing it!  I just need to be more dedicated and work on this!  I thougth maybe I was eating too much food, so I started measuring and I am still only at about 1/4 cup at a time!  I was excited and releived to see this cause I thought maybe that was why I wasn't losing wieght cause I was eating too much...It would be 10 oclock and I was starting to get hungry!!!

My plateu...is definitely over!!  For now,...thank god!!  I The 28th of January I was at about 268 and now I am 2 weeks past that and am at 253.8!!!  So 14 pounds or so in 14 days!! :) Awesome!

Yesterday I decided screw it...I am going tanning!  I signed up last night and it was so relaxing!  I was in the best mood ever!  I am going again tonight soon.  :)

Well obviously if it is my choice I would choose NOT to plateau...  But it seems that is where I am at!  Since my last blog on the 15th I have only lost 2 pounds... I was worried that maybe I was eating too much and that is why I wasn't losing so I started measuring out EVERYTHING and writing down every bite of food that I am putting in my mouth!  As I have been measuring foods since Sunday I am releived to see that I really am eating ok portions!  My nurse clinian said that I should be at 1/4 cup for a meal at 3 months and by 6 months I should be at 1/2 cup.  I am pretty much at 1/4 cup, but I have been getting hungrier lately.  So I think that is ok, but I am going to touch base with Darla to make sure!  

Also I can't get in enough protein!  I feel like I am shedding constantly!  Luckily I do have a really thick long hair...but if I lose hair like this continuously I won't forever!!!  I hear that it grows back too, so I am trying not to focus on that!  Every time I run my fingers through my hair ,I ALWAYS have a couple strands...but usually more than a few!!  For protein I am eating lots of albacore tuna lately and chicken and beef roast.  None of that really tastes very good to me.  I am still wanting to just eat veggies all the time!  Mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, carrots, cauliflower???  What's up with that?  I don' know!

I am thinking/hoping that my body just needs some time to catch up with the 115 pounds I have already lost and will be back to losing soon!  I upped the water and workouts so wish me luck!  If you have any tips let me know!!!  :)

So today I had a heck of a time updating my pics!!  I finally got them to go!  So at my 4 month mark I am now done 113 pounds!!!  As big of an accomplishment as this is, I am craiving more!  I know my weight it starting to slow down....In the past month I have only lost 16 pounds!  That is only 4 a week!!!  I figured at 4 months out I  should still be losing 20 pounds a month easily!  Am I over reacting??  I 'm hoping that just means that I lost a lot of inches this month...but I am too tired to dig out the measuring tape so I will do that tomorrow!

Food is starting to taste much better to me...It's still not the best or how I remember at all...but of course my tastes have changed!  I worry about trypical things that I think is the "fat girl" still hidden deep down inside pulling on my insecurities!!  I worry that I won't lose anymore weight, that I will stretch my pouch back out and gain all the weigh back...that kinda thing!  But then I usually calm down, and realize how it's just that...my insecurities!  That's it!  i am doing really well, I've lost over 100 pounds in four months!  I 'm just going to focus on taking my vitamins, upping the water intake, eating protein first, and using the elliptical everyday!  

I'm pretty tired tonight...I'll blog more soon!  Night!  :)

I wrote this today for myspace and thought I would post here too... I plan on writing more here and not filter as much either...I tend to filter things there for fear of hurting someone's feelings.  On here...I feel like you guys get it and just understand more what I am saying!  

So...Looks like I haven't blogged here in quite some time...  My friends and co-workers keep asking me all these questions and some of my friends keep telling me to blog...so here it goes...  ;)

Let's see, where to start, well, I am down about 105 pounds.  (As of this morning it was 104.6)  I still have another 120.4 to go...  But I have already accomplished so much and just excited and grateful to be on this path!!!

Food...
People ask me often what do I eat all day?!?  Well I don't eat much that is for sure!  For breakfast I usually eat 1-2 ounces of yogurt and am stuffed...That's right girls about 1/3 of yogurt or less. A lot of times I will eat half a grapefruit with Splenda.  I don't eat much of the pulp, it is mostly the juice I am craving.  For lunch (at work) I will eat either another bit of my yogurt, or crackers and cheese, or if I feel like going out to get a bite I will eat either Chicken noodle soup from panera (about 1/3 of the bowl) or a baked potato from Wendy's with a little sour cream and butter.  (I eat about 4 spoonfuls of this and am stuffed to quite uncomfortable!!)  By 6 months I should be getting 60-80 grams of protein in a day and right now it's not even close...  Dinner is easier to get some of the ptotein in, I have chicken or roast almost every night.  About an ounce worth and then a couple bites of carrots, mashed potatoes, or green beans. 

I mourn food...just this morning I was looking at a Pizza Hut ad and they have new toasted subs...I was almost crying wishing I could eat it!  I do that with Potbelly's too! I COULD eat some of it...but 1, it doesn't taste good to me anymore and 2 I would get SOOOO sick if I did!!  I can't really explain how I feel about this besides maybe saying that I am grieving the loss of unhealthy JUNK that I want to eat and poison my body with!  This surgery has changed my tastes and those junk food things don't even taste good anymore...but I miss them...maybe the grease and just guilty pleasure of eating whatever I want...  I can't even go to El Lorro anymore!  I can't eat a fucking fajita?!?  The tortilla shell makes me sick!  I know this is good, El Lorro is one of the reasons I needed this surgery...I guess I just thought I could still eat this stuff and it would taste good...I could just only eat 3 bites!  SO not the case!!! 

I have to make sure to get AT LEAST 64 ounces of water in, which before would have been accomplished before I left work!  Now...I can't gulp water, my stomach is so little that if I was to fill my mouth with water I would have to swallow about 3 times to get all of that in my stomach.  It takes all day and I don't get enough in.  Thank goodness for the magic bullet!!  I chop ice in there at least once a day and that helps me get the water in!!!  I take 2 childrens chewable multivitamins a day, 3 calcium citrate vitamins that I have to suck on and they take FOREVER to dissolve and a B12 pill that goes under my tongue.  I haven't been very good about taking them, but about a week ago or so, I realized that is why I must be so tired and have really dedicated myself to take them.

Exercise...
I make sure to be more active at least 30 minutes a day, wether that is walking around Target on my lunch break at work, walking the apartment when I get home, or battling the elliptical at night...  I also have 5 and 8 pound dumbbells and am pretty dedicated to my every other day arm workouts.  (Now I am thinking of adding an ab workout to that routine.)

Relationships...
I found a great website for WLS (weight loss surgery) patients.  It's pretty much just like myspace only for WLS.  It seems sometimes that there are just somethings that as hard as they try, they just can't understand some of the things I go thorugh since surgery, or living life morbidly obese before.  This website is a great place where I can go and blog and share my crazy thoughts about food or what have you.  Before surgery I read lots of blogs from there, and people on there were talking about how their relationships suffered and just flat broke up.  Friends, family, spouses, lots of them suffered.  At first when I started reading this, I thought, are you SERIOUS??  No way would I ever get this big head and quit talking to my friends anymore!  No way are my friends shallow enough to quit hanging out with me cause I will get skinny and gorgeous and be competition or something for them when we go out?!?  I STILL beleive this!  BUT...I am seeing signs of crap like this...not from my friends, not from my sisters.  They are ALL thrilled for me!  But from other people, co workers, distant family, acquaintances.  Screw em!  I don't care! 

I asked a gal that fits into this latter category what size clothes she wore because I have a ton of clothes taht I thought would fit her...  Mind you, she DOES NOT have any decent clothes, and I DO!  I worked at Lane Bryant as a manger for a year and a half!  Even in my largest size, I tried to always dress cute!  She did tell me what size she wore...but she was very weird about it and seemed put off that I would be giving HER clothes that are too SMALL for me...like now SHE is the FAT one?!?  So I changed my mind and haven't given the bitch anything!  She can just keep dressing like shit!  I know I blogged about this before, I said I am always the fat one, the fat sister, the fat cousin, the fat friend, the fat coworker.  Now that I am losing weight, other people will be taking this title as I so happily and proudly give it away!  They aren't as nice to me.  Some have said they are jealous of my accomplishments, some just flat out quit talking to me, and some of them try to FAKE that they are happy for me but with all their back handed compliments I see through them.  Which is fine, I don't have time to hang out with all my REAL friends, I don't need to waste any time on those people!

I do see why some people that have gone through surgery do lose relationships, either by their choice or the other persons... I think that everyone in life settles with something!  For me, I definitely settled for a life I didn't want, I am changing that now.  Every day I am more and more proud of myself and realize I am stronger than I thought!  My thoughts and views are changing.  I realize how unhealthy I was before and how disgusting I let myself get.  I can't imagine going back to that life and I don't want too.  Everyone has those poisonous people that bring you down, and as time goes by I have just realized it is better to let them go. 

Drinking and Going out...
I don't drink anymore...  Could I?  Yes...  Have I?  Yes...  But this was a really stupid decision...  My surgeon told me because of the surgery and the way my new stomach was, the alcohol would not sit in my stomach and digest and be soaked up by any food in there, it goes directly into my blood stream.  1 shot to me, would be like 5 before my surgery.  But I used t literally drink 30 shots when we would go out!!  Before surgery I would joke and say so that's like what...  a 6 shot limit then after surgery??  But I think it is true!  I have spped on vodka and rum on a few occasions and nothing happens, a couple times I got light headed for a moment but that was it!  This last time, I did drink about a shots worth...(the most I have had since surgery!) and nothing!  I know that the alcohol will slow my weight loss down and I don't want that!  So as of this point I am done, no more drinking for me!  The times that I have sipped on a shot since surgery was becuase I was bored and not having fun.  I felt like I needed the booze to have fun with my friends...  So for now, if I do feel that way, I need to do something else... not drink!  Maybe the environment I was in and used to have such a blast at...maybe it wasn't as fun as I remembered??  The booze had really clouded my judgement and priorities for quite some time!  I don't need that anymore, I was and am an alcoholic.  I can't have one drink, so since I have been pretty much sober since my surgery...why start now??

I have gone out several times since my surgery...a few times I have danced totally sober and I am fine!  I do have to be in the mood though.  (Good music, good bar, fun friends, and me in a goofy/party) mood.    Some of my friends have asked me if they embarass me now since I am sober and they are drunk.  Absolutely not!!!  I love my friends!  They loved me before surgery was even a thought in my mind, and they were all supportive and encouraged me to make this life changing decision, they came to the hospital with me, they visited there, they made house calls after, they listen to my rantings and emotional roller coasters and are totally supportive of me!!!  (I think Ang was more worried day of surgery than I was myself!!)  Thank you to all of my friends and family who have stood by me through thick and thin!

Since I have now written a novel...I should just end it even though I could write for hours more!  Thank you for taking the time to read! 

So I have been sticking at 286 for a little bit now...I was getting, not bummed, but something cause I wanted to lose 100 pounds by my 3 month mark...which is tomorrow!!  I see Darla, my nurse on the 17th and was hoping to be down 100 pounds total so I can earn my century club card!  I know it sounds cheesy...but how cool would that be to be able to say I have lost 100 pounds now at my 3 month mark!?!  I then decided, it was fine, cause realisticlly that is total lost, and  I lost some of that before surgery, maybe 20-25 pounds of it?  But still, it's TOTAL lost that I care about and I am so close to my second goal here!!!  This morning I was at 282.6!!  I couldn't beleive it to jump like that!   I only have, hence my title, 2.6 pounds to go to lose thta 100 pounds!!!  I am SOOOO excited, you have NO idea!!!  Next weekend when I go out to see some of my girlfriends and this good bar band that I like, I should be able to say, I have lost OVER 100 pounds!!!! 

So besides that, I think I am finally starting to get this...I am eating much better and not trying such nasty foods that aren't good for me!  Grapefruit has been tasting really great to me!  I don't eat much of the pulp, mostly just the juice and top it with splenda!  It taste so good!  I need to work on my protein still of course!!  I'm sure I'm not getting enough in, but nothing taste that good to me!  I'm trying though and moving along pretty well!