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Talk about cutting it down to the wire.  Some of you may have seen my anxious post that the anesthesiologist had requested a cardiac clearance at the last minute, which required a mad scramble on my part to get that pulled together.  I am scheduled to be at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning, in Nashville, which is three hours away.  I just now got the call that they've gotten everything and that the surgery is on and we're good to go.  I have run the gamut of emotions today, back and forth from despair to relief.  I had just settled back into the idea that I didn't mind if they rescheduled my surgery because I would like to devour the entire contents of the nearest fast food restaurant right now.  My clear liquid only diet started yesterday, but because I had to do cardiac testing, I couldn't have anything but water until they'd done that, and as a result I only got one protein shake in yesterday.  It's hard to get ahead of that hunger on clear liquids and stave it off, but I'm trying as hard as I can not to think about it.   Now that it's set, and definitely happening, I am terrified all over again.  I tell you the truth, I am really mourning food.  I can't imagine life without the habits that I've formed around it.  That is the sign of a true addiction, and just another reason why I need this surgery.  I just wish it included removing the part of my brain that is behind it all.  I pray I won't feel like this for weeks or months after surgery.

Well, I'm officially on my two-day clear liquid only diet as of two hours ago.  I can actually only have water from now until tomorrow afternoon because I have to get some labs done at my cardiologist.  On the one hand, I was not terribly excited about that, but on the other, the clear protein shake will look like a feast by the time I get to it.  I can't believe this is it.  I have this slight panicky feeling that's trying to tell me that the dinner I had tonight was my last enjoyable meal ever.  I know that's not the case, and even if it was the case, I'd still know I had to do this surgery.  I feel the freak out creeping up on me a little at a time as I get closer to walking into that hospital Wednesday morning.  All I can do is take one breath at a time, and one step at a time, and just do this.  Okay, as I write this, I'm really feeling how terrified I am.  I need some words, please.   Some people to tell me how worth it this was to them, and how much better they felt in the weeks and months after surgery.

I just realized something astounding.  I am absolutely ready for this surgery.  Before this moment, I've been propelling myself along on the momentum of what ifs, being pretty sure I wanted this, and feeling like it was my my only hope.  I got brave tonight.  I looked through all of my photos from my last significant weight loss.  I was so happy.  My smile was genuine.  I realize now I was smaller than I thought I was.  I mean, by the world's standards, I was still a very big girl, but I had lost 120 pounds and by comparison, I was looking fantastic.  It's funny... the thing that hit me the hardest just now was looking at my skin in one of the photos.  The skin on my face was absolutely glowing and fresh looking.  I rarely look in the mirror anymore, and when I do, it's usually because I get stuck staring at my face in the bathroom mirror.  My skin is so dull.  It's aging.  I look twenty years older than I am.  I look tired.  I look... exactly how I feel.  Dead.  Seeing the flush of life and happiness and freedom in the picture solidified for me that this is absolutely what I want.  The fears will still be there, but I know for certain now that I am making the right decision.  I want my life back.  I want the life I've never even gotten to live.  It's sixteen days until my new birthday.  Let's do this!

I have done everything I can think to do.  This hurry up and wait business is the pits.  There are so many things that I'm on the verge of needing to do, but it's not time to do them yet.  I have my plan and my financial details squared away, but can't make hotel reservations until pay day.  My pre-op class isn't until the 28th.  I've ordered several different kinds of protein and plan to start a voluntary liquid diet early, as soon as it gets here.  I have an appointment set with my PCP to discuss my current medications post-op.  I know what vitamins I want to order and from where I will order them, but am waiting until after my pre-op class so I know exactly which ones they'll have me take.  I have a list of what I want to take to the hospital.  I've read my surgery guide book at least three times now.  I've posted endless questions, researched everything again to make sure this is the surgery I want, and told the friends I've decided I wanted to know what I'm doing.  I don't know what else to do!  There's still plenty to be done, I just can't do any of it yet until the time comes.  Come ON already February 6th!  Let's get this done!  I'm sick of worrying and waiting and being excited and waiting and worrying again and then being excited and waiting and... you get the idea.

Just in case my "voluntary liquid diet" raised any flags for anyone, I'll explain further, especially in case anyone has any input on it.  My surgeon didn't require me to do a two week liquid diet, only a two day one.  I was surprised that he didn't have me do it, so I spoke to someone at his office and found out why.  She said I could choose to do a week long one if I wanted to, but that he doesn't generally require it for several reasons.  He did advise me to try and lose some weight at my consultation, because anything I can lose will make his job that much easier.  I know I have failed this utterly.  In between is so hard for me.  It's like telling an alcoholic to just drink a little alcohol each day.  I feel pretty certain that I can, however, pull off the liquid diet, because it's not quite like cutting back.  It's cutting off completely and just sticking to liquids.  I have a huge concern about my liver, too, and I want to do anything I can right now to help that, and not wish I had later.  I'm afraid he's going to get in there and find that I have a fatty liver and have trouble working around it, which could extend my surgery by hours, and that makes me concerned about how long it could take my back to recover because I have a herniated disc and spinal stenosis.  If I can do liquids now and make my liver less "angry," then I am more than happy to do that.

At long last I too got to update my profile with my surgery date.  February 6th, 2013!  It took a tad longer to get there because I'm having a unique surgery.  I'll be having the VSG, and also be having a very large para-ovarian cyst removed at the same time.  I'm excited to have the VSG and relieved to be having the cyst removed.  It has been a source of pain and misery for a while now... as has my weight.   I have the heavy sense that February 6th will be the beginning of a completely new life for me.  A new birthday!

Hello, all!  I haven't been to the site in quite a while.  I had to wait months for the evaluation report from my psychologist, and in the process of waiting I just became so mired in despair and loss of hope.  I have no idea why it took her so long, especially since I've been seeing her since before I decided to pursue surgery.  I called multiple times a week, and finally had to lay the guilt on saying this was literally the only thing holding up the process, and then I finally got what I needed.  Once they had the letter, I was approved almost immediately (Medicare does not do pre-auths, so this was basically acceptance for surgery by the surgeon because I was deemed to meet the criteria set forth by Medicare.)

I'm super excited to say that Dr. Houston in Nashville will be my surgeon.  I had my first consultation with him this past Monday and I liked him very much.  He's very... serious, but not unfriendly.  It's easy to be confident in his abilities as a surgeon, and he took plenty of time with me.  The good news is, in the time that I spent waiting, Medicare has decided to cover VSG!  I honestly wonder if it was divine intervention, because I would have most likely had the surgery by now and had the DS had I not had to wait so long for the psych eval.  It's not that I'm opposed to the DS, and it is, in fact, a backup option for me.  However, if I can be successful with the VSG, then that is preferable because it is an easier surgery.

There is one little hiccup in the process, which is preventing me from having a surgery date yet.  Without going into boring details, I have an anomaly in my abdomen that may need to be addressed at the same time as my bariatric surgery, so I have to get another CT scan performed so that he can review the results and make a determination.  I was told that it wouldn't prevent me from having the surgery, it's just a matter of deciding if we need to remove this at the same time.

There have been endless question marks throughout the process for me, as I've had to jump over hurdle after hurdle.  When I first started, I was filled with such excitement and hope.  However, my physical state has declined so much in the last couple of months, that I teeter between a state of panicked hopelessness and a startling indifference.  I think once I finally have a surgery date, that I'll feel that forward momentum again.  At the very least, I absolutely know now that I need this surgery.  There's no more balancing on the fence of indecision.  I'm just grasping now for the hope that this will work for me, and that I will work what the surgery has to offer me.

I can't wait to post my surgery date to my profile!

I've dropped off the forums the last couple of weeks after asking incessant questions about about a HIDA scan and endoscopy will be like.  I've had both of those tests now, and they went well.  Unfortunately, I'm a little disappointed they went well.  It's been the assumption that my constant symptoms were caused by my gallbladder, but the HIDA scan showed my EF was 60% (within normal range), and the endoscopy only showed some slight, non-bleeding erosion (due to constant taking of ibuprofen).  While the erosion is a concern, and I was started on Prevacid, it doesn't seem to be what's making me sick.  Day before yesterday, about 30 minutes after dinner, I was in my car and all of a sudden, this intense pain spread across the top of my abdomen.  It was like the weird, uncomfortable sensation I've had after every meal for the last 6 months, but times 1000.  It quickly went through me to my upper back, and felt kind of spasm-like, then I felt it around my sides, then up into my shoulders.  I nearly panicked, and by the time I got home, I was sobbing and told my mother I think I needed to go to the ER.  As quickly as it came on, about 20 minutes later, it subsided, and settled into the usual just uncomfortable feeling after meals, and then was gone all together about 20 minutes later.

Needless to say, I called my gastro doctor's nurse the next day to tell them about it and ask what I should do.  I had discussed the test results with my PCP the day before, and she said something I was already wondering, which was could it possibly be my pancreas.  I looked up the symptoms for an acute pancreatic attack, and it was like a play-by-play of what I had experienced.  It's only happened once, and I would be just fine with it if it never happened again, but at the same time, I'm deeply concerned that this will effect my candidacy for surgery, so I want it resolved NOW.  Gastro doc said if I had another attack, go ahead and make another appointment, and we'll do a CT scan with contrast, and something else I can't remember, to visualize the other organs.  In the mean time, she called me in a sub-lingual anti-spasmodic medication for when it happens again that's supposed to work fast.

On a side note, I have to share that the endoscopy was almost fun.    I've never been sedated before, other than a very brief and light sedation when I had a wisdom tooth pulled.  They put me out completely before it happened, and everyone was just so, so sweet where I had it done.  When I came out of sedation, several people were smiling at me and congratulating me on my upcoming surgery.  LOL.  Apparently they asked me about it while I was under, and I told them all about it.  I don't even have a consultation with the surgeon yet, but apparently my anesthetized self is all set.  :P

My doctor's office mailed my records and my physician's support letter to Centennial yesterday!  I didn't even have to bug them.  They mailed everything the day after they received the faxed request.  My psych eval should be finished up at the end of next week.  I've had two appointments, and now my psychiatrist is reviewing my records and writing a recommendation.  She even said I could take a look at it before she sends it, which is incredibly cool.  That's everything I can do on my end for now, so I just have to wait for that eval to be sent, and then wait for Centennial to review my records and make a decision of whether or not recommend me for surgery.  Please, God, let it continue to go this smoothly!

Oh!  One more thing.  I have a HIDA scan and an endoscopy scheduled in the next ten days.  I just happen to be having these done because my PCP and I both think something is up with my gallbladder due to various symptoms.  I haven't heard that Dr. Houston requires an endoscopy, but just in case he does, that'll another thing already checked off the list!

I began my psych eval today, so I guess I could really consider the process started now.  I say "began" because my psychologist wants to be really thorough.  On the one hand, I'm pretty sure all the clinic wants is a letter saying I'm stable, but I respect her desire to do this the right way, and I'm moderately comfortable with the process because I know she supports me having the surgery.  I wanted it to be easy, and just get the letter and be done with that step, but I'm still grateful because I know my journey so far has been much easier than others seeking surgery.  I'm going back in the morning to continue (or hopefully finish) my eval.

I've switched clinics once again.  I've now decided on Dr. Houston and Centennial, which is turning out to be a good choice.  It just feels right this time, like I've settled where I was meant to be.  Hopefully I won't eat those words.  Other than that, all I can do is hurry up and wait.  I'm so anxious for something to happen that says "Yes, you are definitely in the process and on your way to having weight loss surgery!"  Everything looks good, except I'm super anxious about copays to Dr. Houston.  Honestly, I really don't know how I'm going to afford that and the hotel stays.  With the consultation, surgery, and follow up appointments, I'm just overwhelmed.  The money just isn't there, but I'm trying to have faith that all will work out.  I have to remind myself every. single. day. to take this one step at a time and not to get mired in trying to have a solution for the entire big picture.  This will happen in God's time, not my own.