Blah Blues

May 14, 2009

Hey,

So I'm feeling kind of blah the last couple of days. I can always tell I'm falling into depression before I actually feel it, because my place gets very messy, like I just don't care. So sure enough... But maybe this time it's a bit of the chicken preceding the egg? I don't know.

I just kind of didn't feel like logging all the food and supplements yesterday, then I had (another) incredibly idiotic fight with my friend C, who is also an ex boyfriend (though we've been friends way way longer than we ever dated), and same as every time that happens, I ask myself why the heck we are still friends, when it's clearly such a dysfunctional kind of a relationship. I didn't exercise - I just had kind of a rotten off the wagon type of day yesterday. Somehow, I managed to eat an entire row of saltine crackers. How did that happen? Which brings me to another topic: I finally started to lose a little weight this week, after hitting a plateau since the surgery three weeks ago. But I'm a little concerned because I seem to still be able to eat way more than I was told I'd be able too. So if I watch it, and log everything, that's fine, I manage, and it's fine, but what happens when I don't? When I feel like pigging out? I mean... clearly, I cannot eat the same amounts that I used to, but still - I can definitely do more than the 4oz I was told would be my limit. Why is that? I hope it won't be a problem. I feel my relationship to eating and food is changing a great deal these days, but you know, old habits die hard, and when I am upset, or feel down, and feel like I just don't care, that's when I turn to self sabotage. I'm just saying... I think they made my pouch bigger than they said they would. But at least I'm not going through any complications, and am still able to eat really small meals and feel ok, so I should just be thankful I'm not throwing up daily or something like that.

I'm right now trying to push myself to go for a walk. I'm still upset about that fight, just needed to vent a little bit, I guess.
I'm glad I don't have to go back to work for another two weeks (I don't like my boss, and am trying to muster up the guts to quit that job), but I need to feel more useful, and get out of the house. Next week will be better, since a few friends will be done with school and have time to hang out and do stuff.

Anyway, just thinking on "paper"... Hope everybody's doing well.

K.

0 Comments