Kim M.
Entry #12 - 07/24/2008
Jul 23, 2008
Happy Thursday OH friends!
Yesterday was a pretty good day for me. I went over on my calorie and fat goals, but I kicked booty on my fiber, protein, Diet MD, and water goals!
Calories - 1782 Fat - 53.5 Carbs - 218 Fiber - 26 Protein - 107
Diet MD / Pop - 24 oz. Water - 96 oz.
Also, there were several snacks (coffee cakes, mexican dips, etc.) sitting out at work all day yesterday and I didn't eat a bite! AND my employer had Dairy Queen ice cream brought in for everyone in the office yesterday afternoon and I didn't have any of it!
~ *WOOHOO - WAY TO GO ME!* ~I haven't weighed myself. I want to, but I don't want to. I don't want to take a chance on feeling discouraged. I went into this with the goals of losing 15 lbs in about 6 weeks, eating healthier, cutting my consumption of Diet MD (and pop in general) in half, and drinking at least 48 oz. of water per day. BUT I know myself well enough to know that I will expect more from the scale ... anyway, I'm gonna wait until Monday.
I have fallen asleep easily and slept fairly well the past couple of nights. I've gotten about 6 hours each night - a miracle for me! - but I am fighting sleepiness at work. I really, really, really don't want to, but I think I am going to have to get the CPAP out and start using it consistently again. Man, I hate that thing! But I do sleep deeper and feel more refreshed when I wear it. I wonder if I will have to wear a CPAP when I have the lapband surgery??? If anyone knows the answer to that question, drop me a quick message.
My Aunt Jo arrived from AZ with my little second cousin (her granddaughter) last night. They are here for about 2 weeks. She is my Mom's sister and a little (4'10") spitfire that is full of energy. When she visits, we tend to shop 'til we drop, enjoy many adult beverages, and eat out a lot. I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna partake - especially in the shopping, margaritas, and Pacifico (beer) - but I am gonna say that I will do so in moderation AND that I will do my best to keep track of whatever goes into my body!
Anyway, all is well in my world and I'm gonna get back to work!
Until tomorrow, TTFN!
Entry #11 - 07/23/2008
Jul 23, 2008
Unfortunately, I allowed hunger and emotions to guide a couple of my food choices yesterday afternoon and I ended up overdoing it ...
Est. Cal 2058 Fat 87.5 Carbs 184.5 Fiber 21 Protein 109
I surpassed my goals for calories and fat
BUT I also surpassed my goals for fiber and protein 
.And, I am very happy to say that I only had one 24oz. Diet MD the entire day AND I drank about 80 oz. of water!!!
About yesterday afternoon ... it was rough emotionally and I was stressed. Pat was texting me from the airport while waiting to board the plane to Chicago where he starts bootcamp today. Poor kid was sad, scared, worried
... I did the best I could to pump him up and to tell him how much we all love him and believe in him. I was upset that his mother wasn't there with him - though I can't be sure if that was by choice or due to a Navy rule - yet I was proud that he sought what I see as motherly comfort from me. I miss the kid already! ANYWAY, my concern for Pat plus being pissed off and stressed about shit going on around work plus freaking out inside about all the krap I need to get done at home so that my aunt that is arriving from AZ this evening doesn't think I live in a pig sty ...
UGH!!!
... all excuses that I used to allow myself to binge on several pieces of bread with peanut butter on them around 4PM! I totally need to find a new outlet for these situations!!!
I am feeling much more in control today. I just keep telling myself that it's not the end of the world, just a stumble on my path, and to stay the course!
It's all about taking one day at a time. And, damn it, today is gonna be an awesome day!
Entry #10 - 07/22/2008
Jul 21, 2008
"Fate knows where you are going, but it is up to you to drive there."
~*Michelle Keesling*~
I am estimating that I consumed the following yesterday:
1580 Calories 55 Fat 100 Carbs 14 Fiber 80 Protein
There is room for improvement. I estimated based upon info on the Internet for the chicken fajitas I had from a restaurant last night, and I know that I need to bring the fat down to around 40 and get the fiber up to around 20 to be well-balanced, BUT I only had 48 oz. of Diet MD the entire day PLUS I drank 56 oz. of water, so I did pretty damn good and I'm proud of myself! All I have left to say is ...
Yay ME!
Entry #9 - 07/21/2008 Again!
Jul 21, 2008
My oldest niece, CeCe (19), and I hung out on Friday night. We ate at Subway, chitchatted about her upcoming wedding (Dec. 20th), and then wandered around WalMart for a couple of hours. It was fun!
I went to see Mamma Mia with CeCe and my daughters, Elyn (11) and Mackenzie (8). I can't say that the movie was a spectacular masterpiece, but the theatre was filled with ladies who brought along their girlfriends, daughters, nieces, etc. and that also knew all of the words to the songs ... We sang along, whooped, hollered - especially to DANCING QUEEN - and IT WAS A BLAST!!! After the movie, we went back to my house and played in my kraftroom for several hours. I skrapped piks of Maya Angelou, our puppy. It was a groovy day!
Then yesterday was an up and down day for me - and for my family. My oldest son, Chris (17), has been best friends with this kid named Pat (18) for about 4 years. Pat has spent pretty much all of the past year with us, and long weekends and summers in the previous years. He calls our house his home. He actually does have a home - with his mom, Dawn, and younger sister, Anna - but he just chooses not to go there unless Dawn needs him for something or begs him to, which isn't often. He checks in with her by phone about every day. Anyway, Pat is truly like a son to me. He's a great kid, he's upbeat and funny - I adore him, as does my entire family - including my extended family. Well, Pat graduated from high school this past May and then immediately joined the Navy Reserves and he is leaving for bootcamp tomorrow morning. We are going to miss Pat tons!!!
So, yesterday was all about Pat ... Dawn threw a going away BBQ for him. All of his friends and family were there and it was great. And then we ordered the WWE pay-per-view for him (the kid loves wrestling) and he, Chris, and a bunch of the morons came to our house to watch it.
The show ended around 9:45 and we told the morons it was time to head out as we were locking down at 10:00, which we do every Sunday - Thursday night. They headed out to the side of our house, where there is a deadend and they all park their cars. They were screwing around - wrestling, hugging Pat, stuff like that - being teenage boys as far as I am concerned - but then we heard a huge KABOOM. My hubby, Steve, and I knew they had to have lit a M95 or something and went outside to get on their asses. We found them out by their cars, arguing with three of our neighbors. One of the dudes was literally up in one of the morons' face - taunting him and trying to get the kid to hit him, in my opinion. Steve stepped in between the neighbor dudes and the morons and asked what the problem was. Dude #1 was pretty calm - just upset about the loud noises waking his kids and pissed off by the way the morons acted when he came out. Dude #2 wasn't saying anything - just nodding his head while Dude #3 ranted and raved about being tired of these idiots antics and they are a menace to the neighborhood and so on. We had heard that a couple of the neighbors had gotten on the morons for being loud in the past, but the boys said they quieted right down and no one had ever approached us with concerns. But, Steve cannot stand Dude #3. He's found him far too nosy and uppitty since the day we moved to PH. Unfortunately, Steve went from calm to pissed off within seconds. I tried to smooth it over - apologized for the morons' lighting the fireworks, especially so late at night, and then told the morons to get in their cars and go home, etc. But Dude #3 said he was going to stand in front of their cars until until the cops arrived! Then a couple of the morons starting carrying on about being held against their will - and it was going from bad to worse. I told the morons to just drive thru our yard to get around the neighbor dudes, and go home, and that is exactly what they did. But while I was orchestrating the exodus, Steve was continuing to argue with Dude #3. He said he was tired of kids going in and out of our house at all hours, squealing their tires, leaving garbage - including used condoms and liquor bottles - on the dead end street ... And then Dude #2 joined in saying that he was pretty sure our kids were dealing drugs and that they are ruining the peaceful neighborhood. I then walked over to Dude #2, recognized him as the father of his kid Brian that used to hang out with Chris a couple of years ago, and reminded him that his own son had actually dealt drugs and brought them into my house a couple of years ago (long story) so what right does he have to judge my kids. Then Dude #2 went ape shit yelling in my face and that sent Steve over the edge! I told the neighbor dudes to go home and mind their own damn business and ushered my husband to our house to avoid any potential violence cuz he was pissed. One of PH's finest pulled in our drive about 10 minutes later. I told him what had happened, he told us that Dude #3 is well known for complaining about all of the neighbors for one reason or another, said "no harm, no foul" and told us to have a good night. GEESH!
After all of the excitement, I went to bed. And then the storms started ... LOUD LOUD LOUD - especially the hail that began around 1:15. WOW! I finally fell asleep around 2:00 but was awoken at 3:15ish by Chris cuz the tornado sirens were going off. I looked out my window to the south and actually saw a huge funnel cloud! I got everyone up and outta bed and down into our basement. We all stayed down there until the sirens went off around 4:00 and then went back to bed. I fell back to sleep quickly and missed the electric going out a little later - which resulted in my alarm clock no longer being set, and my oversleeping about 1 1/2 hours!
I'm running on less than 4 hours of sleep and I am, obviously, not focused on my work today. I am just waiting for 4:30 to get here so I go home and, hopefully, have an uneventful night and get to sleep at a decent time!
So, that was my weekend ... a little fun, a little sadness, a little konflikt! ROFLMAO! Such is my life ... TTFN!
Entry #8 - 07/21/2008
Jul 21, 2008
Today's Weight - 330.5 lbs
My goal is to weigh 315.5 lbs or less on the morning that we leave for DisneyWorld, which is Friday, 08/29/2008.
I am proud to say that I have followed through and began the carb exchange diet recommended to me. I intend to journal everything that I eat - everyday, to stay within the recommended daily exchanges, and stay around 1500 calories a day.
Oh, and something that I know will be a huge challenge for me ...
I have begun the process of weening myself off of Diet Mountain Dew. I am always thirsty and a Diet MD junkie. I drink Diet MD morning, noon, and night. I can very easily drink 96oz PLUS of it per day!
I am beginning by cutting my norm in half to no more than 48oz per day, for a month. Then, I'll cut even further to no more than 24oz per day for around a month. I plan to drink water - with sugar free flavorings like Crystal Light, Wylers, Energy Mix, etc. instead.
WISH ME LUCK!
Entry #7 - 07/18/2008
Jul 18, 2008
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne~
It's FRIDAY! Hip hip HOORAY!
I am emotionally FANTASTIC today. I feel positive, upbeat, groovy ... but I am in a lot of physical pain. Feet, ankles, knees, lower back - all of them are aching. UGH! I'm doing my best to ignore all of it and keep on keepin' on but, man, it totally SUCKS!
Anyway, I am so ready for the weekend. I don't have anywhere that I have to be or anything that I really have to do - which is so AWESOME.
So far, I know that I want to take our new puppy (MAYA ANGELOU) to the park to play with my sister's dog (PHOEBE) cuz, of course, they are gonna be BFFs!
And I know that I want to spend some time in my kraft room - sortin' out stacks of piks, going thru supplies, organizing and actually doing some skrapbookin'. It's been way too long!
And I would like to go see Mamma Mia - probably with my niece, CeCe, cuz she is a musical junkie and I know she will love it. I saw the broadway version of it last year and found it very enjoyable. 
DANCING QUEEN IS THE SHIZZZ
And, last but not least, I want to plan and shop for my meals for next week as I am going to begin a 1500 calorie diet that focuses on lowering my carbs on Monday. It is what the "health coach" went over with me at the PCP on Wednesday, and I really think it will help me to feel better on our DW vacation (6 weeks from today) and to adapt the eating habits that I absolutely need before, during, and after my lapband surgery.
That's probably more than I'll actually be able to do in one weekend, but I'm stoked about trying! LOL!
Totally unrelated but ... I saw something yesterday that said losing just 1 lb takes 4 lbs of pressure off of your knees. That is so unbelievable! I've gotta test this for myself! I've decided that my goal is to lose 15 lbs as of the day that we leave for DW (again, 6 weeks from today). If this 1 / 4 deal is real, that would take 60 lbs off of my knees and, WOW, that would make all of the walking at DW easier.
Well, I need to get back to work. WORKIN' FOR THE WEEKEND and it's only 2 hours away for me cuz I get off at 12:30 on Fridays! YIPPEE!!!
Have a groovy weekend!
Entry #6 - 07/16/2008
Jul 16, 2008
I'm feelin' way too damn good."
~~~ Nickelback~~~
The past week must have been "too damn good".
Actually, I am well. Great in fact! I've had a few slaps of reality to the face and a clothes dryer that decided it couldn't go on any longer occur so far today, but life really is good and I'm feelin' fairly groovy.
I'll start with the dryer ... I know it is ridiculous for me to whine about a freakin' dryer, but I have a family of 7+ (a couple of my oldest sons' friends rarely go to their real homes!), 3 cats and, as of this past weekend, a puppy. We really need fully functional machines cuz we have lots-n-lots of laundry to get done! One day without getting at least a load or two done seems to reek havoc in my household! But hey, it is what it is, and it costs what it costs, and a brand new dryer should be sitting in the laundry room when I get home from work this evening.
The thing that really sucks is the cost of the new dryer, as it is coming from the money I planned to take to DisneyWorld (in 6 weeks + 2 days). I just really want this trip to be AWESOME for Elyn, Jason, and Mackenzie, since it is their first time and the first time for the seven of us as a family. I guess I just wanted enough cash to do anything and everything there. But, the reality is that shit happens, things break, bills gotta get paid, and we take what we take and we make do. Again, it is what is is. It will be AWESOME regardless ... I gotta just allow myself to relax and enjoy.
Anyway, I had a follow-up visit with my PCP, Erin, this morning. My BP has been very good over the past few weeks but, of course, it was elevated when both the nurse and Erin checked it today. WTF?!? I showed Erin the records I have kept over the past month. She decided that she is NOT going to put me on BP pills - for now, and she stressed FOR NOW. We talked at length about my decision to pursue WLS and I shared that I have chosen the lapband over gastric bypass. She was very happy to hear that! She stressed the importance of my making lifestyle changes - not just having my insides altered to dump food and give me quick results. We talked about the pain in my lower back, legs, knees, calfs - everything from my boobins down basically - when I walk or stand or climb stairs. She wants me to get up and stretch my entire body at least once an hour at work and then to start walking every night - even if it's only a block or for 5 minutes. She gave me a muscle relaxer to take at night to help with some of the pain in my lower back, but she stressed NO PAIN, NO GAIN and how important it is for me to be active NOW. She pledged her support and said she would do anything she can to help me get approved by my insurance company quickly.
And last, but not least, since I am pre-diabetic, and since it is possible that my insurance company will require me to complete a 6-month doc supervised diet, Erin sent in a health coach to start me on a diabetic diet NOW.
So, I went through carb exchanges, caloric intake guidelines, portion control, yadda yadda yadda with the health coach, and she gave me lots of handouts, referred me to various websites, and invited me to attend a class for pre- and diabetics that is held on the first Wednesday of each month from 9:00 to 10:30AM. I told her that I am not sure that my employer will be really kewl with my attending that, but I'll think about it. I've missed so much time from work over the past month - BP checks twice a week, my visits with Dr. Eibes and Dr. Jenkins, headaches, sick kids, etc. My boss hasn't said anything, but I am feeling like it's getting excessive so I'm sure she is too.
Anyway, I don't really need to see Erin again until October-ish, but I do have to stop in the office once a month to be weighed, have my blood pressure checked, and have my blood sugar checked.
Before I left the office, I signed the paperwork for all of my records there to be copied and sent to Dr. Eibes. They said it will take a couple of weeks, which should be fine as I know that the records from my visits with Dr. Jenkins won't be headed there until mid-August and that Dr. Eibes staff is backlogged with insurance approvals. I'm betting my pre-approval packet doesn't go the BC/BS until maybe mid-September, and I'm kewl with that since I am shooting for surgery in November.
Well, I certainly have "blabbed" a lot today. LOL! Probably should end this entry and do what I'm supposed to be doing ... WORKING! Come in at 11:30 and then spend over an hour on my OH blog - probably won't make me EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH huh?!? Oh well, I'm sure I wasn't even close to being in the running anyway! TTFN!
Entry #5 - 07/09/2008
Jul 09, 2008
The past week has gone pretty well for me. I have had my down moments, but I haven't been nearly as emotional as I was the couple of weeks before ... THANK GOODNESS!
I had my initial consultation with Dr. Eibes on July 3rd, as well as a consultation with his dietician. I didn't feel like I was being talked down to or looked down upon at all. I have to admit that neither Dr. Eibes nor Janelle, the dietician, had a very good bedside manner. Definitely not what I am used to as my PCP always spends a lot of time with me and asks many questions designed to really know how I am doing, but I have decided to chalk it up to the fact this was an initial consultation and I assume they do tons of those day after day after day - and often without the patient following through to WLS.
Dr. Eibes believes me to be a viable candidate for either RnY or the lapband. For many reasons - particularly it being 10 times less risky and having a shorter recovery time - I have chosen to pursue the lapband.
I have a few things to complete on an official checklist before Dr. Eibes' staff can submit the documentation for approval to my insurance company:
(1) Consult with a Psychiatrist - I have seen various doctors in this field over the years, but I've decided to see Dr. Jenkins, which is the doctor referred to me that is one floor below Dr. Eibes' office. My first session is on July 11th and I already scheduled my second session for July 28th.
(2) Attend a WLS Support Group - I am planning to attend the session that is scheduled for this Saturday, July 11th, and I am going to ask my husband to come with me in hopes he will get an understanding of the disease of obesity and what I will be going through. I know that I am going to need his support, and I hope this will help him to truly realize it!
(3) Get Medical Records from Last 3 Yrs to Dr. Eibes - I am scheduled to see my PCP on July 16th for a follow-up on my blood pressure and will sign the papers to release those records at that visit.
(4) Get Blood Work Records from Last 12 Mos to Dr. Eibes - See #3 - recent blood work records will be included in that release.
Once the "packet" is sent from Dr. Eibes' office to my insurance company, they anticipate it will take about 30 days to get a decision. I am confident that my various medical issues can be attributed to my obesity, but I am hoping that my PCP has documented my dieting attempts well enough in the past 3 years that I will not be expected to complete a 6 month doctor supervised diet prior to approval ... keeping my fingers crossed!
If - no WHEN - I am approved, I will return to Dr. Eibes office to schedule a surgery date and all of the pre-surgery gobbly-gook. Because of our impending trip to DW - and my lack of time off available as a result - I will probably have to wait until November to have the surgery. Before Thanksgiving would be good. But that does bum me out because I would really like to "get the show on the road", but my constant desire for instant gratification is what got me in this physical mess and I am learning that good things really do come to those who wait!
So, that's the state of the Kim-nation today! Until next time ....
She felt a flutter.
Small, but a flutter nonetheless.
Maybe her wings aren't broken beyond repair?
Perhaps the hope in her heart is mending them?
Possibly a flame of optimism has been lit inside?
Suppose this really could be "IT"?
She felt another flutter.
This time, she felt it in her heart.
And this time, it released a burst of happiness.
KLM 07/09/2008
Entry #4 - 07/02/2008
Jul 01, 2008
My ride on the E-COASTER continues.
A smidget of what has most recently spewed forth from the ride ...
Sinking into an abyss of darkness and pain.
Not fighting. Too tired. Too sore.
Want to accept. Allow. Rest. Sink.
Wishing it were different. Challenging. Fun.
Wondering what different could be.
Living as if the tomorrows never end.
Knowing the truth that there could be no tomorrow.
No tomorrow here. Not on this planet. Not in this life. Not as me.
No guarantees. No returns. One shot. Make or break.
Thirst for light. Happiness. Peace. Today. NOW.
I wrote it at work this morning. I don't really know where it comes from, but when it comes I feel compelled to write it down.
If I were about 16, had long stringy hair, dressed in all black, and wrote this kinda stuff, I would most certainly be labeled "EMO" and my parents might put me in a psych ward.
I am excited and anxious about my initial consult with the surgeon tomorrow. What if he is like the others I have talked to about my eating issues and lack of self-control? What if I just end up feeling more down on myself when I leave his office? That's been the case so many times before - doctors, therapists, shrinks. Not sure I can take another blow.
One minute I wish I could start over ... regrets, I've had a gazillion. The next minute I want to accept, forgive, and move on. It is what it is. I know the later is healtheir, more productive, possible - but I don't know HOW! Or HOW to find out HOW! I've read books, listened to messages intended to enlighten me and teach me HOW, yet I still haven't found HOW! If anyone out there has found HOW, please share HOW you found that HOW!
I'm all over the place with this post 
so it's probably best to finish it off now!
Toodles!
Entry #3 - 06/25/2008
Jun 24, 2008
The past week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.
I had a bit of a meltdown
on Saturday that wasted far too much of my weekend and got me absolutely nowhere and absolutely nothing! I admit, it was a huge pity party - UGH!
I started coming out of that fog on Sunday afternoon and have felt more stable each day since.
Thank goodness!
My sister and youngest niece left for a 2-week trip down south to visit my aunt yesterday. I really, really, really wish I could have gone with them! They wanted me to and I know some time away from home and work would do my soul a world of good ... BUT I gotta save my vacation time for our trip to Disney World at the end of August.
My hubby's parents have taken us to DW several times over the years, with the last time being 3 yrs ago. This time they will be treating their kids (6) and spouses (3) and grandkids(18) and great grandkids (2) to a 9-day trip. Pretty kewl huh?!?
My older sons are have been there several times - Chris at ages 18 mos, 6 yrs, 11 yrs, and 14 yrs and Cody at ages 4 yrs, 9 yrs, and 12 yrs - but my youngest three were adopted since the last time we went and have never been there so it will be fun to experience it with them...
BUT I have to admit that my anxiety about the trip seems to be overriding my excitement. I am anxious about ...
fitting in the plane and ride seats
... walking & walking & walking
... and the FL heat
...and wearing a bathing suit around my skinny sisters-in-law
...I honestly don't know if I can handle it all - physically or emotionally - and I'm so terrified that I will disappoint the hubby and kids if I can't keep up with them.
So, I guess that's where I'm at right now ...
Confused??? Yeah, me too!
