Full Tilt Boogie .
New goals
Nov 11, 2007
I could not figure out how to change my goals so I am blogging to post them
Audition for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders (for Cara)
Audition for Coyote Ugly (for Cara)
Be on The Amazing Race
Sky dive, tandum only
Sing professionally
New veneers/whiten teeth
Lazar facial hair removal
Go to Indiana to see my kids
NYC
Ireland
Italy
France
Tahiti
Plastic surgery if needed
Every single one of these goals is do-able...The Cowboys and the Coyotes will not take me, I am too old, but I can audition for them and will. You'll notice there are no wls goals posted...as far as I am concerned...they are already done!
Audition for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders (for Cara)
Audition for Coyote Ugly (for Cara)
Be on The Amazing Race
Sky dive, tandum only
Sing professionally
New veneers/whiten teeth
Lazar facial hair removal
Go to Indiana to see my kids
NYC
Ireland
Italy
France
Tahiti
Plastic surgery if needed
Every single one of these goals is do-able...The Cowboys and the Coyotes will not take me, I am too old, but I can audition for them and will. You'll notice there are no wls goals posted...as far as I am concerned...they are already done!
Hang on!
Nov 10, 2007
I have not blogged for some time now. I was waiting to hear from the insurance and lose my needed 5% body weight. Both are done deals, and I lost 8% because I was scared spitless not to get then keep my wls.
One of the biggest things around here is that my dh is on board the wls train. I asked him to come see Thoman at my first appt and I asked Dr to tell Kim the Clift Note version of why I can't get or keep off the weight. Thoman told him there was zero % chance of me with my high bmi of doing both. Kim thought about it and a couple weeks and later told me he was cool with my wls.
Another biggy is that I am not afraid. Not just for wls, but in general less fearful. I am speaking my mind, with fore-thought and editing, more. I was pming Kaela, and she started wigging, guilt tripping, doing drama, and I stayed cool, asked her questions, appologized for my past wrong doings, encouraged her to be strong, shared my upbringing, and treated her lovingly. She still was furious, blaming me, bouncing off the walls from one side to the other, I never do anything for her, she has no family, her friends think we should support her, their families do, I focused on staying calm, asking for more clairfication, agreeing with her, reminding her she can make wise choices. This was instead of stunned silence from her wild statements, defending myself, hanging up, being sarcastic, lecturing, you get the drift. She still ended the im mad, I realized she will not be ok with anything I do until she grows up. This sounds like a pattern I have with my husbands, now with my daughter. I stayed in controll of me. That is big. I did not go into fear of losing her, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of not being in total controll of this insane situation.
Another crazy ass thing happened this am with my dh. He loves to have talks. These talks are him stating a fear or disapointment with me. He didn't trust me finacially and really didn't want to reconcil. I reminded him that I was about to go in for major surgery and that I already had heard this displeasure or lack of trust and this was not about him, this was time not to restate the obvious and this was his problem. He said I didn't hear him, and I assured him I did hear him, reapeatedly on this very same old subject. I gave him a word picture that involved him not being satisfied with his first wife, and now he is not satisfied with me as his second wife, and that maybe he was never going to be satisfied period with any gal. He agreed this might be true. I told him I adored him and wanted us to do better, then went to teach.Yes, he has to dump before I go to work. Note to self, don't talk with dh before work. On the way there, I called him and I asked him if he would like me to leave when the dust settled for me, he said no. He came home late and we made love. Wtf!
I was strong and unafraid today. I did not go into my usual freak out or respond to his or Kaela's crazy making. If for some odd reason, I cannot have wls, I am happy with this peace I have had today.
One of the biggest things around here is that my dh is on board the wls train. I asked him to come see Thoman at my first appt and I asked Dr to tell Kim the Clift Note version of why I can't get or keep off the weight. Thoman told him there was zero % chance of me with my high bmi of doing both. Kim thought about it and a couple weeks and later told me he was cool with my wls.
Another biggy is that I am not afraid. Not just for wls, but in general less fearful. I am speaking my mind, with fore-thought and editing, more. I was pming Kaela, and she started wigging, guilt tripping, doing drama, and I stayed cool, asked her questions, appologized for my past wrong doings, encouraged her to be strong, shared my upbringing, and treated her lovingly. She still was furious, blaming me, bouncing off the walls from one side to the other, I never do anything for her, she has no family, her friends think we should support her, their families do, I focused on staying calm, asking for more clairfication, agreeing with her, reminding her she can make wise choices. This was instead of stunned silence from her wild statements, defending myself, hanging up, being sarcastic, lecturing, you get the drift. She still ended the im mad, I realized she will not be ok with anything I do until she grows up. This sounds like a pattern I have with my husbands, now with my daughter. I stayed in controll of me. That is big. I did not go into fear of losing her, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of not being in total controll of this insane situation.
Another crazy ass thing happened this am with my dh. He loves to have talks. These talks are him stating a fear or disapointment with me. He didn't trust me finacially and really didn't want to reconcil. I reminded him that I was about to go in for major surgery and that I already had heard this displeasure or lack of trust and this was not about him, this was time not to restate the obvious and this was his problem. He said I didn't hear him, and I assured him I did hear him, reapeatedly on this very same old subject. I gave him a word picture that involved him not being satisfied with his first wife, and now he is not satisfied with me as his second wife, and that maybe he was never going to be satisfied period with any gal. He agreed this might be true. I told him I adored him and wanted us to do better, then went to teach.Yes, he has to dump before I go to work. Note to self, don't talk with dh before work. On the way there, I called him and I asked him if he would like me to leave when the dust settled for me, he said no. He came home late and we made love. Wtf!
I was strong and unafraid today. I did not go into my usual freak out or respond to his or Kaela's crazy making. If for some odd reason, I cannot have wls, I am happy with this peace I have had today.
Attack of the Cool Aide drinkers!
Oct 11, 2007
ATTENTION: THESE ARE MY OPINIONS... TAKE THEM OR LEAVE THEM...THANK YOU!
I used to be in a cult. Nothing big, but a cult none the less...
What I leanrned in the cult:
Cults teach there is only one way, their way
Cults actively recruit new members
Cults often attract the weak, lonely, and needy
Cults teach their members what to believe
Cults are very defensive about what they believe
Cults shun you when you do not follow their teachings or leave the cult
Cults tell you that you are going to hell if you do not follow their teachings
In the cult I was in, there was a lot of gossiping, lies, and drama
I left
I was shunned
I lived
What I leaned post cult...
I was weak, lonely, and needy, still am sometimes, but now I research and discern everything
I am clear on what I believe and allow others their positions
Shun me, I won't die
I know my final destination, and it 'aint hell baby
We all have our own way...
I won't push mine on you
Don't push your's on me
I avoid gossip, lies, and drama
If I need a dose, remember I am still a little weak
I watch a soap opera
After suddenly losing my beautiful 21yr old daughter to a drunk driver (herself)
I have learned the hard way
There are worse things that can happen to me
Than not agreeing wlith others
It makes it easy to remember
There will always be the Cool Aide drinkers
Ignore them
And give them no power
I used to be in a cult. Nothing big, but a cult none the less...
What I leanrned in the cult:
Cults teach there is only one way, their way
Cults actively recruit new members
Cults often attract the weak, lonely, and needy
Cults teach their members what to believe
Cults are very defensive about what they believe
Cults shun you when you do not follow their teachings or leave the cult
Cults tell you that you are going to hell if you do not follow their teachings
In the cult I was in, there was a lot of gossiping, lies, and drama
I left
I was shunned
I lived
What I leaned post cult...
I was weak, lonely, and needy, still am sometimes, but now I research and discern everything
I am clear on what I believe and allow others their positions
Shun me, I won't die
I know my final destination, and it 'aint hell baby
We all have our own way...
I won't push mine on you
Don't push your's on me
I avoid gossip, lies, and drama
If I need a dose, remember I am still a little weak
I watch a soap opera
After suddenly losing my beautiful 21yr old daughter to a drunk driver (herself)
I have learned the hard way
There are worse things that can happen to me
Than not agreeing wlith others
It makes it easy to remember
There will always be the Cool Aide drinkers
Ignore them
And give them no power
start spreadin' the news...
Oct 10, 2007
I took the bull by the horns and called Thoman's office to see when I would be getting the call to come on down. They checked right then and there and all the tests were present so I will be coming down Oct 23 at 9:15am to weigh in and if I have made the grade, I will see the doc and get my date. I will lose 6 plus lbs before the appointment and that will be it. I am not out of the woods yet, at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnell so to speak.
tough day and I am tender
Oct 03, 2007
'woke from a dream 'bout Jonny Cash, 'guess he and I had a thing goin', not sure. Sad, 'cause I woke to the reality of living with a man who only tolerates me. This fact is not a new one, it just hit me today before my defenses were up, or I was too busy, or eating too much... Daugter emailed, fight with bro who said...she, dead sis, and I were all crazy...translation, like dad, no likie women...'pulled it together, went to work, had lunch, strolling the thrift store 'got call from creditor...long story short... caught off guard, again. strong armed, said ok, re-thunk, calling today. taking back ok. 'will not involve others in my troubles again. Big girls do cry and then they clean up their own messes...Late, wrote poems to kids, instead of nothing or lectures, new way to say....I am who I am and that's all that I'm Popeye the sailorman toot toot....God I'm lonely.
gettin' tru the tunnel
Oct 01, 2007
I finished all the pre op/ pre doc appt tests last week.I just heard from the gastro and my gerd came back great, I have only inflamation and the biopsy was negative for any problems. I will be faxing all the test results Tues to Thoman's office and they will set up my post weight loss appointment. As of today, I am down to 268 and one quarter. I began at 276, lost 2 before seeing the nut, 274 was my offical weight, 5% needs to come off prior to my offical wls doc's visit, and now 'am almost 268, needing to get to the goal weight of 260 pre doc appt.. 7 and three quarter lbs to go. I am pumped to get it off so I can see the doc and get my date. I am seeing the end of this tunnel, knowing there are more tunnels in the future. I have to get through this one first to get to the next one. I am cool with this process. I am glad it has taken some time. When I first called Thoman's, Karen said wls would not be able to happen in a snap and I now know why. I have gone the gammet of emotions during this qualification period. I have completed a long surgery info packet along with a full length photo, saw my pcp for the initial wls request, faxed request to wls doc's office, attending the doc's wls seminar, turning in info packet at the seminar in SB, had a private appointment with the nut in SB, viewed a wls video after seeing the nut and took a test on the video, went to a group nut class in SB, had a psch eval in AG, had a physical with my pcp and set up tests for pre op, fasting blood work, fasting braless treadmill with electrodes all over my torso wearing a paper gown while the doc told the tech to stop talking so much, a chest xray, an abdomonal ultrasound with the tech painfully pushing the thing repeatedly into my ribs and temporarally misplacing the views, had an appointment with my gastro, Dr Vashhani, to set up endoscope, had a endoscope at 6am, loved the drugs, hated the bm two days later, felt like I was giving birth from the wrong end, and attended two wls support groups one in Lompoc, in which I was asked not to speak in because I am pre op. I have stopped drinking all caffine and sodas, as well as began taking a daily chewable multivitamin for seniors. I have lost over 7 of the 14lbs requested. I have driven to Santa Barbara twice, once to see the nut, and once for the nut class. I have driven to AG once for the psych eval, and attended a support group in Lompoc. I have paid for..two $25 pcp copayments=$50-$25 for psyc eval $25 for gastro-$133.75 for the endo-appointment $88 for nut, $25 for first appt with Thoman, 15 for phen. another 15 for phen that I cannot use, note to self, read all no take pre op meds prior to buying them. 25$ last appt with Dr Henning, 3 hour round trip to SB for final final weigh in and pre admission, 1 hrs in Cottage hosital for pre admission. Two ua's and free antibiotics for stubborn bladder infection. Total copays so far 276.00 Total out of town driving time...13hrs. Total time in appointments, during, setting up, filling out paperwork and waiting...over 23hrs. I have had a few mild headachs from caffine withdrawls, yet feel great after going off sodas and caffine while drinking more water. I have gone on Oh and asked lots of questions... who to tell, which wls is best for me...all helping me make the decision to have rny rather than lap band. I have started blogging, told my kids and husband about my wls. Dh is not up for me having wls, kids didn't say much, typical college students, very self involved as they should be. My work will adjust time off for my wls. I have gone through excitement, denial, fear, numbness, frustration, and acceptance. What a trip. I first though of doing this last year in Dec '06...I asked too many uneducated people what they thought about me having wls and took their advice, stalling my life saving journey until July of '07. I came to the conclusion that I just could not continue to gain more weight and accumulate more comorbidities. The two main reasons for me having wls are, my feet hurting a lot from excess weight on my poor plantar faciitis feet and spending time with my obese, diabetic, incontinent, hobbling and demented dad. I will not do this to my husband, kids, or myself. Seven plus more lbs and I am on my way.
opening up
Sep 24, 2007
I have always planned on keeping my wls close to my chest. Inky and I spoke about this the first time we met. I told her I was not going to tell my kids about my wls. She cautioned me to re-think that, wouldn't they want to be informed about such an important event in my life? I though hard about it and decided she was correct. I called them last week, speaking to Dante first, his only comments was, "Is that still considered a cosmetic proceedure?" What a sharp cookie. I called Kaela on her 20th birthday and she said, " Ok.", not missing a beat by continuing to tell me about her upcoming 80s birthday party and the hometown boy stationed a few hours away who is now her new beau. This was the first totally happy conversation we have had in years. I am thrilled I listened to Inky, and told my kids. I don't know why I was reluctant to tell them, protect them, fear of their disaapproval? I still pick and choose whom I share this wls with, I am glad I shared it with my kids.
less stuffin' more puffin'
Sep 11, 2007
This blog is all about not stuffing my emotions by overeating, I don't smoke anything. I am also off all antidepressants for a year now. Why am I telling you this? My fuse is short and lit, that's why! My crap-o-meter is broke, my mom used to say her coper was broke. I am not putting up with too much stuff from anyone these days. Drinking shakes all but one meal a day helps me to speak my mind. I have caught myself more than once having to backpeddle out of a heated discussion after someone said an inflamatory remark to me that in the past would not have caused me any pause. I am not freaking out, I am just not tolerating the guff I have tolerated in the past. One example is a micro-managing "friend" suggested to my stepdad that she and another friend include me in on a calling schedule to check in on him post op (cancer surgery). I am not a friend, I am his daughter and I am not going to be bullied around by this Nepoleonic control freak. I am also not rolling over when it comes to how my husband speaks to me. I am not getting caught up in anyone's drama. I am sure I will calm down soon, that this is a process in my personal growth... blah blah blah...I miss my food, I miss my false sense of serenity. Here's hoping that I am getting closer to true peace, whatever that looks like. I think I am on my way to becoming a recovering drama queen. Thank God for not so small favors.
Stay on a program
Sep 07, 2007
I have done everything I have been asked to do before seeing the wlsurgeon, except drink those damn shakes. I start and end up eating. This is a tough one for me. I have my tests to do and then lose my five percent body weight. When I go see the doc, I will be given my date for wls. Am I sabotoging my wls? This is the burning question. I must push through the pain of not eating my comfort foods, my de-streeser foods, my turn to when everyone else unavailable foods. My nut was right, how will I cope with my emotional eating issues postop? I am letting myself down everytime I go off program. This is why I am doing the rny and not the band. I know I would go off on the food without the rny. I know I need to come to grips with me dealing with my emotions and overeating. I will not screw up this chance to live. I think I need to see Dr Mary, the psch eval doc.
hiding
Sep 01, 2007
I have to say that pm'ing, posting and blogging have proven to be one of the most healing and powerful things I've done in a long time. With that said I emailed a friend about what I was doing this long weekend andI said I was cleaning. That got me going. I am noticing how messy my enviornment is. I can't blame anyone but me for the mess. I was raised like this, but I am now more than an adult so the buck stops here. I realize I am a carefree person, this is way past easy-going. I know that depression can play a part in the mess. I am not even close to being as depressed as I was in the past. So I have come to the conclusion that I am hiding. I am avoiding unpleasant aspects of my life. I know this for a fact because when I am on task and fired up about something, nothing can stop me. When I am done with it, boom, I could care less about it. To a certain extent, this is good, I used to fret about things that I had no contoll over, I now 'am able to let them go. This is not a good thing when it comes to order in my surrondings. Now here we go with the not so long jump to hiding behind my fat body. This is not a big "ah-ha " moment here. I have known I've used my fat to protect myself for years. Large and in charge has a dear place in my heart. I am not sure I saw my fat as keeping me hidden, or avoiding things. I also know that my weight or size keeps people at a distance in some cases, in others it allow them in. As a slender woman, I had people not like me because of my slenderness, go figure. My dh does not like my fat. He is not cool with me getting wls. He says he is concerned about the possible post op complications and I have noticed he gets weird when I have gone in for other proceedures. I think he's afraid of having no more excuses of getting closer to me when my fat is gone I think we are both fat, me in the body, him in the head.
About Me
none of your bee's wax, CA
Location
34.2
BMI
Surgery
11/12/2007
Surgery Date
Jul 15, 2007
Member Since
