December 4, 2011

Dec 04, 2011

It's been a crazy week. I've been working doubly hard at work to make sure I leave on the 20th with a clean desk, meaning most of my paperwork is being done at home. There's some stressful stuff upcoming at work that has me very nervous and it's been hard to not focus on that. Friday was our work Christmas party, which was a lot of fun. I wound up staying much longer than I had planned, and officially had my last bits of alcohol for the next year. I was well beyond moderate, and it was nice to have a great time without worrying about driving. Not that I'd get blitzed, especially at a work function...but I didn't even have a buzz by the time I left - 'course, 2 beers over the course of 5 hours (with dinner) might have had something to do with that. I savored every sip of that #9. Saturday morning I took my grandmother to do her Christmas shopping. She is very very excited that I'm having surgery. I reflected on this a little yesterday. My grandmothers, and I don't know if it's that generation or not, have always been very critical of peoples' weights (not just mine). The gram I took yesterday, she was obese herself before health problems, and even now she'd be considered overweight. Her husband's non-ironic nickname was "Fat." My mother and aunts all struggled with their weights. Yet on Dancing with the Stars, my gram would call Nancy Grace "the fat blonde." Super critical. The other gram...yeah, she's always made comments, the backhanded kind - you'd be so pretty if you weren't so heavy. Great for a teenager's self esteem, wasn't it? Anyway, yesterday my Gram kept saying, "Oh I'm so excited for you, this is a good thing, you're going to be so happy." And it got me to thinking...in the most general, overall terms, I *am* happy now! I mean, yeah, there are things that I'm not happy with, but it's not like weight loss is going to magically cure those things. I know my self esteem isn't super, and I expect that to improve, but not going to super-confidence to the point of arrogance. I'm doing this so I'm healthy NOW and I don't have to go through the health problems my mom had - and because I've failed at losing weight without this surgery. It just made me think...jeez, just because I'm fat, doesn't mean I'm miserable....I already have a happy pill that I can't wait to start taking again after surgery - my birth control, for the hormone stabilization. Although I hear weight loss may help with balancing out the hormones that are outta whack anyway.

We went for lunch yesterday (of course) and it was at TGI Friday's. I had a craving for boneless bites, so I gave into that. I had a wedge salad with it, though, not a full lunch. My gram had some of the bites, and what's funny is, I paid attention to what my body was telling me and I could feel myself saying "Ok, that's enough, don't need anymore." And this is pre-op. Going into Friday's, I was thinking about their desserts...but when I looked at the menu, nothing really jumped out at me as something I wanted....so I didn't order dessert. I'm thinking it was more my head saying "dessert yes yes yes" and my body saying "meh, no thanks." It was an odd feeling. Even at the bar on Friday, a group of my friends decided to do shots, and I had them count me out. I just didn't feel like doing shots. Hmm, could it be my body's finally taking control over my brain? It's pretty cool. :) 

Thursday was our family Christmas meal...no, I don't always celebrate early, but my mom and brother had made a deal about something and the payoff was dinner at Ruth's Chris. My mom wanted to go before Christmas so that I could enjoy, and since I won't have food at Christmas and I may not be feeling well (who knows?), she wanted a family meal for Christmas. I mean, I get it... I'm still going to be at Christmas dinner, but since this was a big fancy meal she was paying for, she wanted to make sure I wasn't taking 4 bites of a $50 meal ;) I ate well, but I don't think I overate. Everything was delicious and I savored it all. I even won $60 at the casino that night, too!

Today I'm doing tons of paperwork. This is me procrastinating. I'll get it done, though.  

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