Twizzled D.

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Today was my nearly one-month post-op visit. My surgeon was very pleased with my progress and says I'm right on track - actually ahead of track - for a month out. I'm even cleared for the gym, although he told me not to over-do it. Start slowly. I cannot wait to get back! I'd love to get up there tonight but a wintry mix is coming, and I've got a car to put in the garage and rock salt to spread, plus some chicken and vegetables to cook to get me through the puree stage, which ends on Wednesday!!! I get to chew on Wednesday!!! I have turkey tenderloins ready to go, but how to prepare them...hmmm... might visit Eggface tonight. 

Felt great to get my first post-op visit in and hear that I'm on track - no pain, no nausea, diarrhea only the first few days on liquids. Getting my liquids and proteins in, taking my vitamins, beating the fatigue... it's amazing to think I'm just about a month out from a major surgery! 

My surgeon wanted to check my incisions today - I had to untuck my shirt and undo my belt so he could check, and I laughed. I told him I didn't remember the last time I had to wear a belt or tuck in a shirt. He said to get used to it, there were a lot more changes headed my way!  

My first NSVs:

-I have a box of clothing that is now too big on me, waiting for deposit at Goodwill. Usually when I lose weight, I hang on to old clothes, almost as if I know I'm going to need them again soon. Now, not so much, except for one pair of "before" pants.
-Related to this, I have tried on and fit into several old coats that I was never able to zip, thanks to my ample doupa/hips. I don't *see* that much of a change in me, but it has to be there. The coats haven't grown. 
-I did WiiFit for the first time in forever since my Wii is working (power cords are dumb). My balance skills are greatly improved, and I will be doing WiiFit tomorrow morning - less on balance, more on aerobics. 30 minutes.
-I had to put a belt on with my jeans today. I didn't even use the hole that I created for myself last time I wore a belt. I was on the second real notch. And I could still breathe with the belt.
-My face is thinner. I think this is where I see the biggest change. One of my co-workers picked up my ID badge from the lanyard around my neck last week. She held it up next to my face. That picture was taken just about exactly 4 years ago. She just shook her head, smiled, and said "wow." I actually look about 4 years younger. I'm ok with that, because I'm not thrilled about turning 32 this year (I know, beats the alternative. 32 just sounds so OLD - ask me about this in 20 years). 
-I went to Applebee's with my aunt today (special occasion lunch). I ordered off the WW menu, got the Fiesta Lime chicken with the cheese on the side...but it was soooooo dry I had to add on a dab of the spinach dip because I couldn't swallow it. I I eyeballed 2 oz - 2 cut strips from the chicken, and brought the rest home. I sent the rest of the spinach dip home with my aunt, I used 2 of the soup spoons total for my chicken, and I have Greek yogurt for my leftovers to lube it up. Didn't touch the chips that came with my meal, and have veggies to puree for food as well. 
-My knees don't hurt when I sit with one leg tucked under me. 
-I got in the booth at Applebee's without being pressed right against the table.
-I shaved my legs yesterday and managed to shave the backs of my knees without contorting and having to lift my knee fat around, only to find I had missed tons of spots. Shaving the upper legs was difficult...silly jiggly thighs.
 

This is my digital version, in case I ever do lose the card I plan on keeping forever. It's been rough in work lately, and I got flowers and a card from my dad today at work. (Yes, I'm his little girl). I bawled when I read the card, am bawling again reading it now, and will bawl every time I read it for the rest of my life.

"About 45 minutes after you were born, I held you, I smiled and got a baby type smile back. I knew that you were something special. And I was right!!! As you got older that smile and charm were always there. I was always proud of you, no matter how small the accomplishment was. Every accomplishment no matter how big or small always was accompanied by "that" special smile. Last Saturday when you and Mom came home from your shopping trip and you told me about your latest accomplishment, going down 2 sizes, "that" smile was there, bigger and better than ever. I'm proud and happy for you!! Not only for the weight loss but for everything you have accomplished so far. You are a beautiful, talented person. Don't ever let that smile fade." 

Whoops, completely forgot today's date for a second.

Yesterday was a good day. It was the start of my first TOM since mid-November. I was supposed to start back on the pill yesterday, but the last time I skipped a cycle and did that with the pill, the next month was unbearable with flow and cramps, so tomorrow or Tuesday will be my start date. Let my body regulate a little! 

Yesterday was also my first post-op shopping trip. I had stopped at my parents' earlier this week and my mom took one look at my work clothes and said, "You need new pants." I told her I knew they were baggy but I didn't want to go blowing all my money on clothes right now. Some higher power felt the need to prove me wrong, because as I was leaving, the storm door closed fast and caught the back of my pants in the door. Had I moved faster, they would've ripped. So yesterday we went shopping, and I resolved to only buy things on clearance. We shopped at Avenue, TJ Maxx, and Dress Barn. Before surgery, I was wearing size 26 pants and a 22/24 top. TJ Maxx was a bust. I was very disappointed that they only had one double-sided rack of women's sizes. I picked a sweater and two pairs of pants - nothing fit. One pair of pants was too big (24w) and the other wouldn't even go up  my hips (22w). The sweater was very clingy and form fitting for a 2x (22/24). I think I am done with TJ Maxx - not impressed at all. At Avenue, they were having a store wide clearance. It's funny, the last time I was there was in summer with my mom, and it was a day I had decided I needed to be able to shop in other stores because everything they had for summer was tunic or shapeless and I felt like I was wearing a muumuu. My mom told me to try on 24s in the pants, so I found black and gray, and finally a pair of brown pants. I tried them all on - and I already had too much room in the backs of the legs!!! So I tried on 22's... a great fit, though way too long (Mom is hemming them today). I wound up getting 2 pairs of black and a pair of brown (no gray in the 22s). I also found 2 sweaters and a pretty top, and all cost me $50! 

Then we went to Dress Barn, because Mom was looking for courds. It's neat to see that when we used to shop, she'd be looking for anything from a 26-30 in tops, and 26/28 pants, and now she's in 14 pants and she was able to get into some 14/16 tops yesterday too! I have never owned a pair of DB pants because they only went up to 24. Imagine my surprise when the 24s were too big on me, and the 22s are borderline. I tried on a pair of 20s, which was an exercise routine getting them up my hips, and I got them, but I couldn't breathe. I'm not that far off from them though. I got all of my tops in an 18/20. I spent another $100 there (4 pairs of pants, 2 sweaters, and a top). That's my Christmas money gone, but well spent. :) 

Yesterday was, date wise, a month since starting the liquid pre-op diet (Dec 7 to Jan 7). In that time (I don't just count my surgery date weight, because I worked to get all of this stuff off!) I am down 2 sizes in my pants and 1 size in my top. I haven't weighed since Wednesday (I only go once a week on the scale, and I won't weigh during my TOM), but that day I was down to 274.8. Usually when I've dieted, 275 is the lowest I've gotten and then I go right back up. It feels nice to be even 0.2 below that. I also have started purees, which is an exercise in patience, because I am sticking to measuring and I don't always hit that "full" feeling so my brain is like "Keep going!" but I know I have to stop. It's amazing that I am eating 3 meals a day and barely hitting 500 calories but I am satisfied. My fluid intake hasn't been good the last day and a half now, but I am fully concentrating on that today. Especially with TOM, I need to get my fluids in. 

I did poorly planning my time/food yesterday too. I had breakfast and a protein snack (tuna) before leaving to go shopping, but we were out longer than expected. I started getting lightheaded and the closest food place was Panera. It was not my best option, but I got their chicken salad (bread on side) and broccoli cheese soup. I made sure I did not get any veggie chunks in my soup sips, and the chicken salad needed lots of extra chewing before I could swallow. I had to eyeball out 1/4 C and it was about a half-hour worth of eating. I have LOTS left over. I had it for dinner last night and I still have at least 5 servings of soup and maybe 3 servings of chicken left. I had pureed it when I got home, but added some Greek Yogurt to the chicken to make it more moist. Much better. 

Last night, my brother and I also went to my aunt's to set up the computer we had gotten her for Christmas. It took forever, because she's still on dial-up (her choice) and we had to get files off of her old computer and transfer them via flash drive. Her old computer has no virtual memory left and takes about 5 minutes from the time you click on an icon until something happens for each action. We were there nearly 5 hours. Then we had to download Yahoo messenger for her new computer. On broadband it says it takes 6 minutes. On dial-up...it takes 3 hours. LOL. I also set up my grandmother's new TracFone (which she calls "TraceOne" or "Traffone"), so she's thrilled to have it. She has a hard time dialing with her arthritis but I'm sure she'll get it. My gram and aunt both noticed immediately how much I've lost (I haven't seen them since Christmas), which felt good.

All in all, a great day.

Just a quick entry because I want to write down something that really touched me today.

My dad came to take me grocery shopping. I feel frustrated because I can't do that for myself yet and I'm not used to being this dependent on other people. My energy sucks, my tiredness is killing me, I am making myself go back to work tomorrow though because I need normalcy. I voiced all of this to my dad and thanked him for about the 50th time for everything in the last 2 weeks. He said to me... When you were born, I was the first one to hold you because your mother was groggy from the anesthesia. I've taken care of you from that moment on, and I always will. Even when I'm not physically here anymore, I'll still take care of you. 

I teared up immediately. I still tear up thinking about it. Don't know if it's the start of the emotions, the fact I've been off the hormone therapy for almost 3 months (I get to start back the first day of my next cycle, however I've skipped a month so I'm hoping it's not another 3 weeks), the hormones from the fat cells...but my god, I just needed to hear something like that today. 

just a break from packing up the last few things I need for staying at my parents' for about a week. OMG I'm such a girl. i'm going for a week - 3 days of which will be in a hospital, and I have a suitcase, an overnight bag, a messenger bag (for the kitties), 3 plastic shopping bags of food, my work bag with extra overnight stuff, and a pillow. Oh, and my purse. The guest room is like 10x12. God, I hope everything fits.

Nervous? Oh hell yeah. Hospital at 0600, surgery at 0900. i know in my heart of hearts this is the right decision for me. 

As of midnight tonight I will officially have made it through the entire pre-op diet without cheating and without the temptation to cheat, aside from the freakin' icing on a cupcake the other day. Resisted, it didn't kill me. It's so funny. I'm at the point where I look at something and think, "That looks good," but I don't TASTE it...like, I don't anticipate its taste and go all like OMG I WANT I WANT I WANT. I'm wondering if that's me learning to control my head hunger. 

Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, blessed Kwanzaa...whatever you celebrate, or whatever....I plan on having a fantastic week, so y'all do the same.  

Holy balls I'm starting to get really cold feet. Trying to distract myself with laundry. WTF am I about to do to myself? 

That's what keeps going through my head. I keep thinking, I'm losing weight on this liquid diet. I'm not hungry, I'm not really miserable, I'm almost 2 weeks in without a single temptation, so why can't I just keep on doing this?

Because that first slip up will snowball me again. I need this tool. I need the restriction to keep me from falling off this wagon. I admit it, I am a foodie. I've denied that I'm a volume eater, but I am. I don't eat much, but when I do...I eat to make sure I'm not hungry for awhile. 

This is not punishment. This is a consequence of a lifetime of poor choices. I am to the point I need this tool to help me change my life. 

I can do this. 

Ok, in less than 3 days I will be without 85% of my stomach, and I'm starting to get a little freaked out. I think I'm psyching myself out a little. The scales is still moving down little by little, I've beaten this cold, and I've got my energy back. Tonight was 'early Christmas' supper at my Grandmother's. Totally not the reaction I was expecting from her. I sat down at the table and told her I had to eat the yogurt I brought because I'm having "the surgery Mommy had" on Wednesday (not entirely true, she had RnY, I'm getting VSG, but it's easier to explain). My gram ran over and hugged me, she was so excited. Then she did the backhanded compliment thing: "Oh you're going to be so beautiful." Well damnit.....like I'm not now? I already struggle with self-image, and that did it again.

Dinner was ham, mashed potatoes, corn, scallop potatoes, and some sort of green beans and cheese casserole, with Christmas cookies and banana bread for dessert. I had 2 small containers of yogurt. I really wasn't temped by anything - a little by the dinner rolls, but as soon as I sat down I passed them to the other end of the table and I was over that. I know this control over my hunger is just temporary...and if I went off this liquid protein diet tomorrow I could probably talk myself into downing a whole pizza or something by myself. When I sit back down and really think about it, I've fought this battle for so long. Getting most of my stomach removed is drastic, yes.... but living with diabetes and heart disease and aching joints and everything else looming is a horrible thought. 

I get scared and I look at my mom. She's 2 years out and maintaining a 150 lb weight loss. Her doctor wants her to drop another 25, and she'd still technically be overweight there...but she's so much happier even if she isn't stick thin - she didn't want to be stick thin going into this. She eats what she wants now, still sticks to protein first most of the time...but she's got great self-control (except for wine, lol). Not saying at all 'if she can do it, I can do it.'...but it helps me refocus. I'm not going to be on this liquid thing forever. I'm going to be able to choose my foods someday. I just have to choose wisely, and when I make a mistake, I'm going to have something inside me physically preventing me from doing what I've done to myself for so many years already.

I keep telling myself....this is just jitters...you know what you want. Be like Nike and Just Do It....silly nerves. I can do this. 

I think I'm finally getting over that cold. The congestion is finally clearing, and my coughing is much more sporadic - now it's only when I take too much of a breath through my nose and I bring up whatever went from my nose to my throat. Thankfully it's all still clear. And lovely mental imagery to read back on there....haha!

My aunt (who is the nurse at my PCP's office) called me yesterday morning in a mini-panic. They got the results of my pre-op labs and she said it looked like I had a little bit of a UTI. She recommended I call the surgeon's office and ask them if my bloodwork was back and was it normal. So I called the bariatric coordinator and she said my creatine levels were a little high in the urine, but that's pretty typical when on a high protein diet. I think she said my normal should be 2.1 and I was at 2.2. So it's not like it was hugely high. She said all looks good for Wednesday! I called my aunt back and she said she had talked to the PCP and he said the same thing - false positive UTI. I'm glad I have someone monitoring my labs like that. :) 

It also reminded me that I hadn't heard from the pre admissions department, so I called again. I spoke to someone different who didn't sound as miserable as the first lady earlier this week, and she told me I could give them a call at a different number than what I had been given. So I called, and the lady said I was on her list to be called later in the afternoon, but if I had time, she could do it right then. It took about 15 minutes of my prep period, which is fine, and now all I have to do is show up Wednesday morning. They're going to call me with my time Tuesday night, but if I'm feeling antsy or I don't hear by 8PM, they gave me a number to call to find out. 

I've started tiring a bit of protein shakes, and I'm sure even soy milk isn't great for my congestion, so I've been adding the unflavored stuff (which is gross and I will never get again in such a huge container) to soups, G2, and Crystal Light just to mix things up a little. I still have an entire half-gallon of Silk Light to use by Tuesday...that should be fine for Monday and Tuesday.

This weekend I'm just concentrating on cleaning and packing. Tomorrow is pre-Christmas "dinner" at Grandma's...I have to tell her about the surgery there, and I'm taking my own broth. She'll probably be pissed I didn't tell her earlier, but oh well. I didn't want to tell her at all. She's the queen of backhanded compliments and I'm feeling a little cranky, so I hope she doesn't dish any out like she did at Thanksgiving. That was actually kind of funny, though. Over the summer, my brother and 2 of his friends were looking at getting an apartment, and since my grandmother couldn't fit her couch and loveseat from Florida in her new house, she gave them to my brother. My mom put the couch in her basement and the loveseat was in my garage, which upset my grandmother because she said it was going to get musty and be worthless. My brother wound up not moving out and I need my garage for the winter, so Dad and my brother moved the loveseat into my spare room. 

So on Thanksgiving, my grandmother started bitching that "oh, that couch is going to be so musty and you won't be able to use it" and my mom said, "Nope, it's in Kristi's spare room now until it's needed." At this point I think I was in the kitchen helping get dessert ready, and I heard my grandmother say, "Where's Kristi?" So I went out and said, "I'm here." She says, "Oh. Thank you Grandma for the couch. Nobody says thank you anymore." I really thought my mother's eyes were going to bug out of her head, and my aunt's jaw dropped that my grandmother could be that rude. I told her, "Maybe you should be asking my brother that, since you gave HIM the couch, and I'm storing a piece of furniture I don't want or have room for in my house, so thank you for that." Rude, I know, but I'm at the point with her that I'm going to be tit for tat.  (Yeah, I can tell I've been off the birth control for a month now and I'm due for my little friend... I'm snippy again). I'm not going up there tomorrow planning to be rude, but if the backhanded compliments start, I'm really not afraid to let my own comebacks fly anymore. Perhaps years and years of hearing how beautiful my naturally-thin cousin is and how smart she is and blah blah blah have gotten to me. You know what she says to me when she starts with that? "You have a good job." Yeah, apparently to her I'm not beautiful or smart because I've *only* got a Master's and my cousin is going for her Doctorate (in dance and theater...apples to oranges with our degrees there, because I'm not artistically inclined like that and I'm ok with that). 

I am really struggling to keep under 50g carbs now. I think it'll be easier when I get to real food. Protein drinks, eh, if I cut down on the milk, that'd save me 8g/serving...when I get to full liquids I'm going to have to watch that. 

Perhaps this is enough procrastinating, and it's time to tackle cleaning the bathroom.....joy...haha!

The holiday program dress rehearsal today was great as always - the kids all did a fantastic job. Tomorrow is the first of two days of the real deal. I'm thinking I'm on hall monitor duty both days but I have to check. It messes up my schedule but at least I've been busting my doupa to get everything done before surgery that I'm pretty well caught up!

I had a weird experience today. I'm not sure if it's from being sick or not, but because the program rehearsal ran 'til 11:30, I forgot about my morning snack. I was watching the program, and while they were going on/off stage, I typed up some reports. I got back to my room around 11:30 and felt incredibly lightheaded. Grabbed my SF pudding and life was good. Made me realize how important it is to keep my meals and snacks evenly spaced and not let anything get in the way of that. 

Still a little sick, but getting better. The cough is strong but not as frequent, and the congestion is starting to break up a little more. I have a decent appetite, but I'm starting to get a weeeeee bit bored with my food choices. Tomorrow I'm breaking up the monotony with some broth but adding the protein powder to my SF pudding instead, so I can have plain old normal beef broth. 

I have to remember to ask about acid reflux when I get to the hospital. I can't tell if I have a true sore throat or there's a little bit of acid that's starting to come up. It feels like there's something very small stuck in part of my throat, and gargling isn't dislodging it. I've heard that the sleeve can cause reflux, and that's not something I want (or want to leave untreated). 

Surgery. One week. One week tonight I'll be recuperating in the hospital. Wowsahs. I'm starting to wonder if my cats know something's up. My boy keeps crawling up on my lap and playing the game of "knead Mama's tummy," and my girl is extra cuddly today. She's even let me pick her up and hold her for about a minute at a time. I'm not nervous about the surgery so much as I am the recovery. One step at a time, though.