Holy Emotions Batman!

Aug 24, 2009

It's been a while since I've posted an update.  No more struggling to get in water and protein.  All is well in that area now.  Well actually I am struggling with it but it's because I keep forgetting to eat and drink because I'm never hungry.  But when I do eat I have no issues.  I can get in 64oz of water and all my protein and vitamins.  I just need to make sure I remember to eat!

I'm 2 days away from my 3 month surgiversary and I'm down 80lbs!  I'm completely amazed at how much weight Ive lost.  I didnt start actually feeling the changes in my body until about 20lbs ago.  It's the best feeling ever!  I'm happy and feeling so much better about myself.  I finally got my self esteem back and even if I were to not lose another pound I'd still be happy with the weight Ive lost so far.

Going into this I did years of research.  I knew that at some point I would hit an emotional rollercoaster.  Mentally and emotionally it's hard to deal with losing so much weight in such a little amount of time.  Your mind doesnt change or adjust as quickly as your body does.  I still feel like I'm as big as a house.  Even though now I dont ever have to worry about fitting into a booth or stress about breaking a chair (even though thats never happened).  I havent had any problems fitting my butt into anything with the weight I've lost so far.  Which is amazing. 

I didnt think I would actually be one of those people that couldnt handle it emotionally but I was wrong.  I am struggling with the changes.  Not too bad but I have noticed that lately I've become less tolerant of things that I dont like.  Before I just put up with crap and now Ive become more vocal when something happens that I'm not to happy with.  I guess I'm finding my inner voice and finally not scared to express myself but I'm not so sure I like that all too well.  This past weekend I overreacted to some things.  Things that never would have bothered me suddenly ticked me off and I said some things to someone very important to me and hurt his feelings.  I feel horrible about it.  I feel like such an aweful person.  I was told that this could happen.  That small things will turn into big things and to watch out for the signs of a break down.  I didnt see this one coming.  I hope that in the future I'll see the signs and keep myself from snapping but I'm only human and sometimes we cant control our emotions.  All I can do is learn from this, hope he will forgive me and try to stay focused on being healthy and working through the changes so that they dont overwhelm me again.

For some people food is an addiction.  Its a drug thats used to numb you from pain and anger.  I never thought this to be true about myself until recently.  When you take that drug away you are forced to face your fears.  Youre forced to face emotions you probably never allowed yourself to feel before.  Well that seems to be coming full circle for me right now.  I need to find away to deal with my frustrations and not hold them in because I no longer have a drug to numb it.  I'm learning that if something is bothering me I will need to find someone to talk to about it so that it doesnt get bottled up causing me to be a ticking time bomb and explode on someone that truly doesnt deserve it.

Life is changing so rapidly!  I nevetr thought I would be the type that went to a gym on a regular basis and read labels on everything I put into my body.  Ive never been this healthy and it feels great!  I no longer live for food!  Food is now fuel to live!

I'll be taking some new pics soon to show my progress.

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